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Astador
14-04-2005, 01:54
Brother Astador
Brother Astador was recruited into the Dark Angel Scout Company many millennia ago. A young man then, he now had the appearance of an aged 50 year old, although he was much older than that. Battle scars lined his fairly young, for a space marine, face. He proved himself on an unnamed planet, fighting and capturing Fallen #1182. More than half his company was lost to Fallen #1182 and his forces. He quickly gained rank and was soon a prominent member of the 3rd Company. After a battle against ferocious Orks, he was promoted to Veteran Sergeant and inducted into the Inner Circle. He is a favorite of the Inner Circle, and they respect him for his bravery and determination to capture those who left the chapter and shamed their names. He has captured more than most of his fellow sergeants, and for that he was rewarded with leading the command squad of Interrogator Chaplain Bishop. Upon the dying planet of Cadia, the remaining forces of Bishops men, fortified themselves into a well-built Hive-wall. Bishop had died fighting against a swarm of Demons summoned by a group of cultist. Oh how those Cultists had paid. The squad was torn to rags by the furious Astador and Company Champion Westers. He led the remaining forces from their fortifications and into the oncoming horde of mutant, traitors, and demons. When the smoke cleared it was as if the Emperor had shown himself as a resurrection in Astador, for as accounts of many Imperial Guard nearby and in the fortifications say, “He glowed from within. Fighting with furious wrath, striding through the horde, with each step he killed a hundred traitors; the closest were turned to ash at his pure touch. He was walking through a river of waist deep blood and bodies. When he reached their leader he began a duel with him. Power Sword glinting in the light, steam rising up as the blood on the sacred blade boiled. He grabbed the Chaos Warlord by his rotten throat and lifted him up above all, so all could bear witness to the destruction of their lord or enemy. With divine furry he crushed the Warlords neck, severing his spinal cord, before slicing open his armor and flesh at the stomach level. The body fell away from the head, and the legs from the torso. He held the head up high and the demons vanished, just blew over the soldiers they were charging. The mouth hung wide open and the eyes were lolled back in their sockets. He was promoted to a Master and is in charge of the Strike Force Angels of Darkness. He is currently in orbit of Nagorynth.



Astador sat at the helm of Sorrowful Nightmare, Strike Cruiser of the 3rd Company, Angels of Darkness Strike Force; He would over view the maps one last time before making his way to the Chapel where he would brief his Brothers on their mission. He had received word from other Dark Angel Strike Forces that there was a Fallen on the planet. He would do whatever it took to be sure the Fallen did not escape his grasp here. The Battle Brothers would finish their prayers and prepare for drop.

Astador felt the screaming metal around him groan with tremendous forces exerted upon it as they entered Nagorynth’s atmosphere. This conveyance would not fail and would deliver him and his brothers into the midst of the Chaos forces on this planet. His body was tense and his body strained against the rail holding him in place. The drop pod slammed into the Spaceport, Nagorynth Prime. A sharp spear of pain was sent up his spine. The drop pods walls fell away with a loud hiss of hydraulics. His lips would curl into a snarl; they had arrived and where ready to deal out the Emperors wrath. He stepped off the ramp of the drop pod. Power Sword and Plasma/bolter combi-weapon in hand. Next to him was Company Champion Westers; his half bionic face gleamed in the sunlight. No Chaos forces could be seen, they must have retreated at the first sign of Imperial soldiers in the system. Weak cowards, it wouldn’t matter, they would all die soon enough. He began giving orders to fortify the area around the spaceport. He was the first of the Companies to land, and would stay in control of this spaceport until he was reinforced. Then he would track down the Fallen and capture him.

Abit of fluff. Going to go back over later, but want some other opinions besides those who already read it. I know it doesn't exactly line up with current GW-DA fluff, but this is specially designed for the Scourging of Nagorynth campaign on the B&C. So Comments and Crit. appriciated.
Cheers,
FLIP.

Sojourner
15-04-2005, 22:02
Too old. You say 'many millennia ago' - if you're trying to say he's still alive today, he's far, far too old unless he's in a dreadnought.

Otherwise it's all technically sound, nice narrative, but your presentation is a bit...clinical. There's a little too much technical detail to flow smoothly.

You also switch tone a little halfway through the passage, from an omnipotent 'far past' tense to a subjective and immediate past tense and it again doesn't flow too well.

Sounds very critical but I do like - good work!

anarchistica
21-04-2005, 22:46
Hmm, he's far too old, only CSM can reach live for millennia without being stuck in a dreadnought. The introduction i think is a bit useless. You just list up a bunch of things he's done to become who he is today, which does not work well for stories. Instead of doing it like that, either leave it out, write it in less chunky form or use it as memories. It's all a bit over the top too, with holding the Chaos Lord in the sky and the hordes of daemons. Space Marines are uberhumans, but reading this i get the feeling they're all from Krypton. ;) I also don't think someone would refer to his own weapon as a "plasma/bolter combi-weapon", more likely a bolter with underslung plasmagun or something like that.

Still, it's entertaining, don't let us get you down. :p