View Full Version : my first short story.. review plz

Colonel Walker
01-10-2005, 23:47
My first one.. i know i need to improve alot, but tell me what u like/don't like:)

Mvoll’s life
By: Andy M.

‘Go go go!’ yelled Sergeant Vixen. Lasfire from the building about 30 meters from the squad was starting to pick up. Squad two, platoon three, company one, 612th Cadian regiment started to run where Sergeant Vixen had pointed. They pulled themselves from the crater hole they were in and ran like madmen. Lasfire peppered them, and with a horrible scream Trooper Mvoll went down. Assistant Sergeant Mcdavis ran to him, braving the lasfire the heretic scum were firing at him. He looked at him, and turned him over from his back. His chest was a bloody mess, blood was flowing freely. Doc Gordon, the platoon’s medic, called to him.
‘How bad is he hurt Mcdavis?’ shouted Gordon over the lasfire.
‘Gak, doc, he is pretty messed up’ answered Mcdavis.
‘Well, get him over here!’
‘I can’t I’m pinned!’ the lasfire had picked up considerably since he had ran over to Mvoll.
Gordon now went over to Vixen’s position just a few meters down from the wall the squad had ran to.
‘Sergeant Vixen, Trooper Mvoll is down and Mcdavis is pinned with him.’
‘Well okay, covering fire in ten.’ Said Vixen
He called for covering fire, and the men put their las rifles on full auto, and began hosing the enemy position. It was enough; Mcdavis was able to drag Mvoll to Doc Gordon’s position. Gordon quickly examined his wounds, the lasbolt has incinerated his upper ribs and collarbone, and it had blown most of his right chest cavity away. He was losing a lot of blood very fast. Gordon got out surgical tape and started to wrap it around the wound. Mcdavis got up and ran to a postion and begun to fire upon the enemy, still heavily entrenched in the building. Doc Gordon was able to patch Mvoll up, and give him blood transfusions, but he needed to be evacuated or he would die. Unfortunately, he and his squad were hopelessly pinned down. ‘Sergeant Vixen time to call in the fire support’ said Gordon.

‘This is hammer to resource officer three’ Sergeant Vixen said loudly into his vox set.
‘I read you hammer, how may I help you today?’
Vixen chuckled, this officer had a baby voice and always said it as if you were purchasing food or something, as if he wasn’t about to order the death of quite a few people.
‘Roger, we have a group of heretics holed up in a bulding, pretty well entrenched, so I think we will need something heavy, position is thirty meters ahead’
‘Alright hammer, one shake and bake comin’ up.’
Vixen grinned, shake and bake was the codeword for a basilisk artillery strike. ‘Alright everyone we got a shake-and bake coming’ up’ His squad couldn’t help but grin, these bastards had had them pinned or the better part of the day. The artillery strike came thirty seconds later and after three rounds had knocked the building down. ‘Move Move’ screamed Vixen he seriously doubted all the heretics were dead. His men moved very quickly up the block they had to cover. They came up to a low wall, just six feet high, and rested their lasguns on it. A heretic rised and before he could point his lasgun, a lasbolt from Mcdavis’s lasgun blew his brains out. They ran up more, and surveyed the rubble. Aside from the one heretic that had risen no other seemed to be alive. Second squad grinned, and they prepared to move out.

07-10-2005, 00:51
pretty good except in some parts the guardsmen dont seem concerend at all.

10-10-2005, 16:50
I'd suggest maybe you tone down the extent of Mvoll's injuries. If he's really had half of his chest blown away, then no question, he's going to die, in fact he's probably dead already, and there's no amount of surgical tape you can throw at him to make it better (and really you're better saving the tape and transfusions in case you need them later).

Also, 'Vixen' is a bit of a girly name for a male soldier. Apart from that, decent.