View Full Version : Comment my short story, please

31-10-2005, 19:01
I wrote a short story for my blog the other day, based loosely on a dream I've been having for the past six months or so.
My friends who read it seemed to like it quite a bit, but I'm not sure myself. I never considered myself close to 'gifted' when it comes to writing. My English vocabulary is also somewhat limited, I must admit.

Anyway, if you feel like it, do feel free to read and comment. Curious to see what you people have to say. :)

The Valley

Slowly, the boy opens his weary eyelids. The sun pierces his eyes as he swiftly rises to his feet. He realises he has no idea where he is, what is name is, why he is here. It’s like he’s slept for years on end. His body is young and fit, but his mind seems old and worn-out. Memories erased by some unknown cause.

He’s surprised at the sight of this wonderful landscape before him. What a beautiful place, something unlike anything he’s seen before. But somehow, the lush colours, sounds and smells his senses instantly absorb seem familiar. Like a distant memory that echoes in his thoughts. For a moment, a sense of unexplained fear creeps up the boy’s spine, but it quickly dissolves as he continues to scrutinise the fantastic sights around him.
The boy finds himself standing on large boulder in the middle of a lush valley. There are strolling hills all about, covered in moist grass and the occasional tree. Large patches of yellow and crimson flowers cover areas of land in a beautiful display of colour and sight.
Soft winds sweep across the hills, like waves rolling through a sea of bright green grass. The forests to the sides of the sunbathed valley also hum with life, treetops gently waving to the rhythm of the wind. In the distance, the soothing sound of a waterfall can be heard, an unseen ambient wonder.
In the skies above, milky white clouds fill the blue vastness for as far as the eye can see. Flocks of colourful birds swoop the heavens like swarms of angry hornets.
The valley is surrounded by vast mountains, their snowy peaks and crude bedrock sharply contrasting the moody valley they cradle.

Oh, the overwhelming beauty of this place could hardly be grasped in mere words.


The boy notices a blurred figure in the distance. For a moment he hesitates, but decides to make his way towards it. He walks slowly in it’s general direction, unexplainably feeling drawn towards it. He picks up his speed, jogging, then running, sprinting even. The boy’s curiosity reaches fever pitch as his bare feet leap yards with every stride, trampling grass and flowers as he goes.
The boy is now within two hundred yards of the figure, still sprinting towards it. He can somewhat recognise it’s features, and it suddenly becomes clear to him that it’s a woman, or girl, of roughly his age. She stands with her back towards him, uncaring or oblivious to the boy’s presence. Before he can get any closer, he suddenly trips on a small boulder and slams into the ground. He feels a sharp pain and his eyes go dark.

The gentle touch of her hands wakes him instantly. The girl has laid herself beside him, softly stroking over his painful chest. Her long black hair hangs in his face, smelling wonderfully of sweet amber. Like himself, the girl isn’t wearing any clothes. His eyes glide over her body; she’s like him, still young and unsoiled. His sight is eventually drawn to her eyes. Those stunning eyes... Dark, yet shining in the bright sunlight, the boy loses himself in them. He discovers entire worlds, galaxies in their dark eternity.
The girls looks back at him with a happy smile covering her face. The two don’t know any language to communicate in –or maybe they are both lost for words in the moment-, but the exchange of views spoke more then a thousand words. Entire libraries could be filled with the thoughts that raced through the boy’s mind in that instant. Everything around him fades, his gaze fixed on her perfect complexion, her stunning eyes.

Slowly the girl brings her mouth closer to his, a kiss that will bring ultimate elation to the confused boy.
A white flash suddenly covers the two, just in the moment they kiss. A deafening silence fills the air. For a moment their lips interact, and their tongues consume each other in a sweet instant of pure bliss. A conversation with God himself. The brightest bonfire that ever was. Chanting of the grandest choir ever assembled.
A feeling so intense, words could not possibly begin describing it.


The white flash instantly freezes time in the peaceful valley. An incredibly loud explosion is heard, the ground heaving and pulsating under it’s massive impact. An instant later the horizon is filled with a mushroom cloud, epic beyond proportion. The cloud is a roaring inferno, setting the air around it on fire, reaching to the highest echelons of the atmosphere. Mountains are cast aside by the epic impact, the grasslands and forests instantly turn to fire.
Then the blastwave hits. Mighty trees fall apart and scatter to ashes like leaves to the wind. The once lively hills are stripped from anything that gave them their graceful appearance. The valley is destroyed in the blink of an eye, nothing remaining alive to the destructive forces of this bomb.

The boy and girl remain locked in their moment of elation. It seems to last forever, a timeless second that stretches on for all eternity. Like a photograph, a moment captured in time forever.
In reality, their bodily forms are consumed by the explosion. Like the mountains and trees before them, they are destroyed by the apocalyptic blast. But the moment in which they found death, that moment of pure happiness, will somehow not be as easily erased. They are not ready yet to be consumed by the darkness.


Slowly, the boy opens his weary eyelids. The sun pierces his eyes as he swiftly rises to his feet. He realises he has no idea where he is, what is name is, why he is here. He finds himself in a stunningly beautiful valley, unknown yet somehow strangely familiar.
In the distance, he notices a blurred figure and decides to make his way towards it...


31-10-2005, 19:08
sorry, i dont have time to read it now, but this should probly be in stories and art thread

31-10-2005, 19:39
Great story! :)

And to all those who got scared by the length of it, read it. Now. You won't regret it.

31-10-2005, 19:52
Nice, very nice. Almost a positive version of Stephen King's short story 'That Feeling, You Can Only Say What It Is In French'.

31-10-2005, 20:59
Ah, thanks for moving it. I didn't originally post it here because it's not 40K related. It is truelly a Random Musing. :D

Ah well...

31-10-2005, 22:22

Very well written, and the way you have created it in really catched me only after a few sentences.

You seem to have an sleeping talent inside you Kaaijer!


02-11-2005, 18:56
Thanks for the comments so far. Vaya, I'm not familiar with that story. Care to write a short synopsis?