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kikkoman
07-10-2008, 17:27
Craftworlds are entirely self sufficient space faring worlds with access to warpgates to teleport around the galaxy. The static territories they protect though are the maiden worlds, bountiful garden planets tended by their country-mouse brethren, the exodites.

The CWE defend them viciously, destroying any imperial or ork or whatnot threats that get close.
They might say "well they'll be staging worlds for rebooting the old Empire", but y'know the CWE's just stay on their craftworlds. So why?

'Cause they produce meat, big juicy pieces of gigantosaurus meat. That's the only thing Craftworlders get from the exodites. They don't need raw materials, they don't recruit the natives, they don't build vacation homes, they get meat. This is the only thing ever mentioned in canon fluff.

Eating steaks is the primary motivation for the CWE to fight. If they ran away and abandoned the exodites, they wouldn't have any steaks and would be eating cup noodles for the rest of eternity.

So remember, the next time an ork waaagh is manipulated to ravage the Imperium rather than get to an exodite ranch world, those 100 billion guardsmen died so Eldrad could have his steak dinner.


Fun Fact:
Biel Tann eats more steak than Ulthwe and Alaitoc combined! Saim Hann comes a close second. Iyanden eats tofu.

Messiah
07-10-2008, 17:30
Iyanden eats tofu!? What are you on about? They are clearly sushi addicts.

Poseidal
07-10-2008, 17:59
I can see why Biel-Tan eat the most steaks. Do you know the numbers for the other craftworlds (Yme-Loc, Lugganath etc.)? Or only for the big 5?

Brother_Chaplian Raimo
07-10-2008, 19:00
I remember you- "Dakka comes outta my face", and all that. It's nice to have a bit of humor in Background, a forum that tends more towards copious amounts of NERD RAGE and a variety of pointless questions.

I, for one, nominate Kikkoman to replace C.S. Gotto as the dude who writes about Eldar.

Altansar, due to the unfortunate nature of recent events, is entirely vegetarian, with the majority of preserved meat having recently sprouted extra eyes and developed a pulse. Although many food plants exhibited similar mutation, most were deemed acceptable, with Farseer Iocoloin quoted as having said "If it's got a pulse, cut it out. Other than that it's fine, unless it's glowing and chanting." Reports of cucumbers chanting litanies to the Blood God saw sections of the Craftworld's gardens temporarily cordoned off, but production remains relatively stable.

Much of the tofu consumed by Iyanden is in fact grown in deep space somewhere within the Perdus Gulf. Exactly why this is is unknown, and Imperial Navy reconnaissance squadrons have so far been unable to locate the fabled Tofu Gardens.

Col. Tartleton
07-10-2008, 19:12
Why does everyone hate GOTO! WHY...?

Is it his complete disregard for standing fluff or his lack of creative story telling, or just his mediocre voice in his writing.

So Yeah Mr. Face O'Dakka is plenty qualified.

The brother chaplain is seconded.

JOBusse
07-10-2008, 20:41
Fun Fact:
Biel Tann eats more steak than Ulthwe and Alaitoc combined! Saim Hann comes a close second. Iyanden eats tofu.
I always kind of figured Iyanden for the "chocolate-covered grasshopper" types. Heck, it's plentiful.

Well, maybe not the chocolate.

FeetOfClay
07-10-2008, 20:51
So he's the face-dakka guy? Kikkoman, you *********** ROCK!!

Leonathion
07-10-2008, 21:03
Great laugh, I second the opinion of a change of writers ;)

Poseidal
07-10-2008, 21:04
There's actually good reason why Kikkoman (http://yoga.at.infoseek.co.jp/flash/kikkomaso_e.swf) should be the guy who writes about Eldar.

The Orky Eldar connection is actually pretty well backed up by fluff. There are stories and Eldar love to fight, and often would choose that option over a more peaceful one with the slightest excuse from the farseeing.

Consider this: an Eldar baker is braver than deathworld veterans who live in constant peril; and Eldar tailor has the same reactions as a genetically engineered super soldier. Eldar steak is made of dinosaur.

They were made to fight and love it, but would never admit do being so.

Back to the steaks: You can see from their behaviour of defending the maiden worlds and exodite settlements just how much Biel-Tan value their steaks.

Super Ninja
07-10-2008, 21:05
Kikkoma wins five internets, for his post and his sig:p.

Heru Talon
07-10-2008, 22:40
Kikkoma wins five internets, for his post and his SIG:p.

+10000000! :D

MrBigMr
07-10-2008, 22:43
Well, it's not like the Eldar have many pleasures in life anymore. Eating is one of those that won't get your soul raped (as fast). I'm just thinking that why don't the Eldar have ranches on their craftworlds? I mean, they have gardens and whole fields and stuff (seen pics), so certainly few lizards would fit in there. Or is it that they like to eat, but don't want to know where they meat comes from? Hell, exodites could feed them any crap they want.

As for Eldar loving fighting, isn't it obvious? I mean, they and the Orks where few of the Old Ones' warrior races. Fighting is in their genes.

Brother_Chaplian Raimo
07-10-2008, 23:36
I'm just thinking that why don't the Eldar have ranches on their craftworlds?

Little-known fact- Eldar are afraid of cows. The famed Slicing Orbs of Xandros were created specifically to counter the bovine menace, but have so far met with limited success.

MrBigMr
07-10-2008, 23:43
Except that the Eldar probably eat lizard meat. If they're willing to ride the damn things, eating shouldn't cause much trouble.

Brother_Chaplian Raimo
07-10-2008, 23:56
Do humans ride cows? They probably eat Void Whale steak. Mmmmm...

kishvier
08-10-2008, 00:00
Why does everyone hate GOTO! WHY...?

Is it his complete disregard for standing fluff or his lack of creative story telling, or just his mediocre voice in his writing.

So Yeah Mr. Face O'Dakka is plenty qualified.

The brother chaplain is seconded.


Yeah, pretty much. Goto sucks at writing and doesn't seem to research it at all. My first 40k book I ever read was Eldar prophecy and it nearly ended me reading 40k books.

I agree, voidwhale steaks would be delicious, tasting faintly of pork.

Battle-Brother Wags
08-10-2008, 02:45
I just have to say that this is my all time favorite thread original post on warseer . . .

Lamhirh
08-10-2008, 03:08
It's not just a rumor either: PROOF (http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/aimelek/Lugganathff.jpg)

Craftworlders also drink milk from the elusive Space Cows (http://www.spottheafro.co.uk/gallery/space_cows.jpg) for strong wraithbones :p. How else do you think they grow so damn tall? (http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/aimelek/friends.jpg)

Imperialis_Dominatus
08-10-2008, 05:02
The brother chaplain is seconded.

Thirded. Kikkoman's Eldar stuff is full of kickass and win, and distinctively bereft of braying-multilaser-fail.

Helsing
08-10-2008, 07:08
If this post is intended to be serious then you need to re-read Codex Eldar. The Eldar protect Maiden Worlds because aside from their Craftworlds they are all they have left, but then again who does not like a good steak, eh?

Taipan
08-10-2008, 07:24
Yeah, I also vote for C.S. Goto's demotion. Don't know how or why they employed that retard to write about the Deathwatch (yay, only canon piece for them is epic fail) AND Eldar (you'd think his obsession with them would mean greater accuracy, but no...).
Oh, and mess up the tie-in with the Dawn of War game series (Blood Ravens weren't total fail until I picked up the Omnibus by Goto, I rather liked the Index Astartes PDF file GW did for them). Nice work GW.


Kikkoman, this is the funniest stuff I have seen online in a while. Kudos to you.

Now, about these Eldar steaks, how do you think they like them? I'm sure the different Aspect temples like it differently;

Fire Dragons; Burned twice, more carbon than meat, Australian BBQ style

Striking Scorpions; Raw and bloody, rough cuts, thicker the better

Swooping Hawks; Fragged, then seared, probably about medium rare

Shining Spears; Skewered (forgot what they are called, when they cut them into cubes and put them on wooden skewers)

Warp Spiders; Thinly sliced (like, to the point where the edge of the meat cuts you, so you have to fold it to avoid abrasions)

Dire Avengers; Soft and mushy (remember kids, remove the shurikens first, otherwise you'll cut your face in half ;) )


i just had a though; what happens to the cow/dinosaur spirits when they die? Given how desperate Eldar are for soldiers (or an angry psychic teapot, given the rate at which they are dying out), do you think they would ever be reduced to using Wraithcows or Wraithosaurs? "Heh, first we eat them, then they eat the enemy, genius!" GW could do a supplement for them, tacked on and half-baked (call them "Eldar Wraith-zombies"), and then totally ignore them forever more!


If this post is intended to be serious then you need to re-read Codex Eldar. The Eldar protect Maiden Worlds because aside from their Craftworlds they are all they have left, but then again who does not like a good steak, eh?

:wtf: Yes dude, we're being totally serious

Poseidal
08-10-2008, 07:44
Well, it's not like the Eldar have many pleasures in life anymore. Eating is one of those that won't get your soul raped (as fast). I'm just thinking that why don't the Eldar have ranches on their craftworlds? I mean, they have gardens and whole fields and stuff (seen pics), so certainly few lizards would fit in there. Or is it that they like to eat, but don't want to know where they meat comes from? Hell, exodites could feed them any crap they want.

As for Eldar loving fighting, isn't it obvious? I mean, they and the Orks where few of the Old Ones' warrior races. Fighting is in their genes.

With ranches they aren't as 'free range' so wouldn't have the perfection and experience of eating a beast raised in the wild.

MrBigMr
08-10-2008, 08:44
Do humans ride cows? They probably eat Void Whale steak. Mmmmm...
No, but we eat horses, Ostrichs (http://farm1.static.flickr.com/203/495943664_715d13a9ca.jpg?v=0), Water Buffalos (http://www.hanie.com/images/7th-RRFS-Sam-on-Water-Buffalo.jpg), Pigs 'n Boars (http://uk.games-workshop.com/orcsandgoblins/miniature-gallery/images/orcboarboyzregiment.jpg) and Dogs (http://www.enworld.org/Pozas/Pictures/Illustration/halfling_rider.jpg). And Bears (http://www.russian-victories.ru/bear_cavalry.jpg).


Warp Spiders; Thinly sliced (like, to the point where the edge of the meat cuts you, so you have to fold it to avoid abrasions)
How about minced?


Dire Avengers; Soft and mushy (remember kids, remove the shurikens first, otherwise you'll cut your face in half ;) )
Maybe shredded?


With ranches they aren't as 'free range' so wouldn't have the perfection and experience of eating a beast raised in the wild.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_beef

Besides, why can't the lizards live free range aboard the craftworld, like Hindu cows? Just going here and there as they will and no one giving them trouble.
http://www.terragalleria.com/images/india/indi39240.jpeg
Imagine all the people with pointy ears and jewelry.
...
There's a craftworld idea: Hindu Eldar. At least their headgear would get an improvement.

Brucopeloso
08-10-2008, 08:55
Well, it's not like the Eldar have many pleasures in life anymore. Eating is one of those that won't get your soul raped (as fast). I'm just thinking that why don't the Eldar have ranches on their craftworlds? I mean, they have gardens and whole fields and stuff (seen pics), so certainly few lizards would fit in there. Or is it that they like to eat, but don't want to know where they meat comes from? Hell, exodites could feed them any crap they want.

As for Eldar loving fighting, isn't it obvious? I mean, they and the Orks where few of the Old Ones' warrior races. Fighting is in their genes.

You crazy?!?!?!?! You have any idea how much dung a dinosaur produces? Plus all the methane!!!! No, no, ranches are better off on maiden worlds! No cowpats (saur pats?) in the craftword, better free range meat and abundant excuses to fight! Steak for the fillet god! :)

MrBigMr
08-10-2008, 09:15
You crazy?!?!?!?! You have any idea how much dung a dinosaur produces?
At least then the Eldar would literally be neck deep in it.

Eulenspiegel
08-10-2008, 09:19
You´re all on the right track, but didn´t go all the way:
Exodites ride the dinosaurs to make their meat tender!

I imagine that those become Lords (and thusly the right to ride really big beasts) who have the most muscular thigh and leg muscles. When riding they actually massage the meat on the dino´s back and shoulders with their legs ...

uhm...

Curses for my graphic imagination, I´m off to look at jpgs of naked women for a while, until the pictures in my head go away.

Imperialis_Dominatus
08-10-2008, 10:09
If this post is intended to be serious

That's where I stopped reading. :p

Taipan
08-10-2008, 10:36
How about minced?

It's not really a steak anymore...although I did bring up skewers for Shining Spears, so meh. Mince is nice though...


Maybe shredded?

Yeah, like in Asian cooking where they have strips of beef in the dish. Good idea.


I imagine that those become Lords (and thusly the right to ride really big beasts) who have the most muscular thigh and leg muscles. When riding they actually massage the meat on the dino´s back and shoulders with their legs ...

uhm...

Curses for my graphic imagination, I´m off to look at jpgs of naked women for a while, until the pictures in my head go away.

If you want really soft meat, you have to let them roam around freely and not stress them out. Then, make sure you kill them quickly, so they don't tense up and make the meat tough. Apparently, mixing a bit of marijuana into their feed helps the process heaps....not that I know any such farmers :rolleyes:

Eldar must have some kinda narcotics for getting their farm animals high...I know Craftworlds are full of stuffy puritanical types, but deep down they all wanna chill and party. It's the 'saving the universe from those silly apes' and 'those party people who took it too far created Slannesh' problem that means they can't just cruise around, maybe raiding if they feel like it. Biel Tan needs to chill the most...poor Eldar.

Brucopeloso
08-10-2008, 11:21
If you want really soft meat, you have to let them roam around freely and not stress them out. Then, make sure you kill them quickly, so they don't tense up and make the meat tough. .

Yup, that's where rangers come handy. Sneak in, select your steak and sniper rifle it..... farseer will help with guide and doom if you promise him some of those tasty chops ;)

MrBigMr
08-10-2008, 11:37
*Imagines a ranger sneeking with a boom-catapult*
"Shh... Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm huntin' lizawds."

But would make a nice use of the creature feature rules. Killteam mission, but the sentries are lizards (via creture feature rules). Herbivores run off the board when frightened, carnivores attack. You only hunt herbivores for points. Carnivores are a just pain in the butt. Add a game warden Exodite to try and stop you as well.

Taipan
08-10-2008, 11:40
But would make a nice use of the creature feature rules. Killteam mission, but the sentries are lizards (via creture feature rules). Herbivores run off the board when frightened, carnivores attack. You only hunt herbivores for points. Carnivores are a just pain in the butt. Add a game warden Exodite to try and stop you as well.

That would be sick. We could make a whole little mini-campaign, with the prissy Exodites on the one hand, and the meat-loving Craftworld guys trying to steal their prime beef.

How powerful should we make the Predators?

Brucopeloso
08-10-2008, 12:40
Hur hur, game wardens and eldar poachers, sounds like fun! : ))

Guys keep it coming, this is the best eldar fluff ever!

MrBigMr
08-10-2008, 14:32
I don't know. Predators at least T4 S4/5, no armour, maybe 1-2 wounds. Herbivores could be S4 T4, 1 wound. S5 T5/6 for big prey, like elephants scale.

By the way, lets not forget the happy little meat eaters of the galaxy, Kroot. I mean, they have a weapon called "hunting rifle." There's a scenario, Kroot hunters vs. Eldar rangers vs. Nature vs. trigger happy redneck Exodite Game Warden.

"Git off me land, dang kids!"

Unclejo
08-10-2008, 15:23
This thread gives me a mental image of Exodites with grizzly beards and cowboy hats herding the Tyranid Hive Fleets a la Lonesome Dove.

Dominus_Serui
08-10-2008, 16:46
And yet all I can now think of is Eldar Brokeback Mountain

Lamhirh
08-10-2008, 16:48
This thread gives me a mental image of Exodites with grizzly beards and cowboy hats herding the Tyranid Hive Fleets a la Lonesome Dove.

Nothing stands between hungry Craftworlders and their dinner...not even armed Exodites. (http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/aimelek/CWRUSTLERS.jpg)

MrBigMr
08-10-2008, 16:49
And yet all I can now think of is Eldar Brokeback Mountain
Aka. relationship between an Eldar man and an Eldar woman.

spetswalshe
08-10-2008, 17:01
The Eldar protect Maiden Worlds because aside from their Craftworlds they are all they have left, but then again who does not like a good steak, eh?

If the last human settlement was a steakhouse and you set up gun turrets on the roof, you'd still be protecting a steakhouse.

The Eldar seem to be treating their Maiden Worlds like a kind of fair-trade supermarket. Whereas the Tyranids are more of a Tesco/Walmart kind of deal.

How come we're assuming our fancy friends eat lizards? I'd say a stable population of feral humans would be much less hassle. Human flesh is the sweetest delicacy of them all - countless generations of aliens can't be wrong.

Unclejo
08-10-2008, 20:20
Nothing stands between hungry Craftworlders and their dinner...not even armed Exodites. (http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b362/aimelek/CWRUSTLERS.jpg)

The real reason that Iyanden has a lot of Wraithguard is that all the Eldar are recovering from the biggest barbecue in the history of the Universe.

Brother_Chaplian Raimo
08-10-2008, 20:53
The above depends on your definition of "barbecue'. Hmmmm...kinky.

Messiah
08-10-2008, 20:58
Shining Spears; Skewered (forgot what they are called, when they cut them into cubes and put them on wooden skewers)

Kebab/kabob, depending on where youre from?

Taipan
08-10-2008, 21:25
I don't know. Predators at least T4 S4/5, no armour, maybe 1-2 wounds. Herbivores could be S4 T4, 1 wound. S5 T5/6 for big prey, like elephants scale.

By the way, lets not forget the happy little meat eaters of the galaxy, Kroot. I mean, they have a weapon called "hunting rifle." There's a scenario, Kroot hunters vs. Eldar rangers vs. Nature vs. trigger happy redneck Exodite Game Warden.

"Git off me land, dang kids!"

Excellent stuff. Kroot also have punji traps, for snaring those annoying Eldar in, while they snipe the delicious dinosarus.
Oh, and don't forget eviserators. They eat their meat raw, so a quick chainsaw to the neck then they dig in.


How come we're assuming our fancy friends eat lizards? I'd say a stable population of feral humans would be much less hassle. Human flesh is the sweetest delicacy of them all - countless generations of aliens can't be wrong.

Nah, it's like a religious thing. Y'know, how some groups don't eat pigs cos they are a dirty animal. Well, humans are pretty low-brow and filthy by Eldar standards, and we're all dense and stringy from self-inflicted degradation and warfare. Other alien races aren't that picky, so we're fair game to them (like I'm pretty sure Orks don't bother to check what animal, or even what part of the animal, their steaks are made of).


The real reason that Iyanden has a lot of Wraithguard is that all the Eldar are recovering from the biggest barbecue in the history of the Universe.

Farseer; Yriel, are you sure we need that much lighter fluid?
Prince; You think you can do it better? If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Now stand back, I'm going to use my crazy eye on the steaks. They'll be cooked in no time.


The above depends on your definition of "barbecue'. Hmmmm...kinky.

:wtf:


Kebab/kabob, depending on where youre from?

Ah, kebab, couldn't remember it. Ok, so Shining Spears like kebabs.

sydbridges
08-10-2008, 21:44
Do humans ride cows? They probably eat Void Whale steak. Mmmmm...

I believe you meant to type, "Void Whales probably eat Eldar steak."

kishvier
08-10-2008, 21:47
No, no I disagree! They get eaten by the void whale and make steaks out of it's stomach before they're digested! DUH!:D

luchog
08-10-2008, 23:20
IMuch of the tofu consumed by Iyanden is in fact grown in deep space somewhere within the Perdus Gulf. Exactly why this is is unknown, and Imperial Navy reconnaissance squadrons have so far been unable to locate the fabled Tofu Gardens.
That's because they've been looking in the wrong places, for the wrong things; due to woefully outdated information.

The Eldar have in fact rediscovered rudimentary forms of the lost genetic manipulation technology developed by the Old Ones. They long ago determined that the vast, nearly world-sized gardens and astronomical numbers of tofu presses needed produce the volumes of tofu required were simply too labour-intensive and difficult to defend. So they abandoned their Perdus Gulf plantations; and solved their tofu supply problem in a somewhat different way.

They engineered the great herds of tofudebeests. A gigantic, slow-moving creature, it was created with the appearance and size of a somewhat gelatinous, many-legged whale; while remaining a purely vegetable life form. The Exodite Eldar of many worlds oversee great herds of semi-domesticated tofudebeests, along with their usual reptilian mounts and work-lizards; and wild herds have been seeded on all Maiden Worlds capable of sustaining them. They are nourished by a combination of photosynthesis and consumption of algae, plankton, and primitive, prolific plant-forms similar to Terran mosses, and are therefor fully self-sufficient. There are several different varieties of tofudebeest, inhabiting varied terrain -- from the semi-aquatic soft-bodied tofudebeests of the great swamps and sheltered seas, to their firm-textured, terrestrial cousins inhabiting the temperate rain forests and tropical jungles.

They reproduce slowly, sporulating only once every few cycles; but are not killed for their tofu. Rather, great quantities of their tofu-flesh is harvested in a process much the same as whales being flensed for their blubber. As they are true plants, and not the animals they appear to be, this does not kill them, nor cause them pain -- any more than shearing a sheep or picking fruit off a tree -- and their tofu-flesh is quickly regrown. They have no natural predators, partly because they're an engineered species that fits into no natural ecological niche; and partly because no self-respecting predator species would even think of consuming the squishy, tasteless things. There is some danger from the larger herbivores; but the use of gigantic predatory reptiles to guard them has generally kept the herds safe from being grazed upon.

In an extremely rare display of diplomatic generosity, the Eldar have tentatively offered to provide tofudebeests to other races; but no one, aside from a few Tau Ethereals, has ever shown the slightest interest.

Brother_Chaplian Raimo
09-10-2008, 00:57
Responding, in a sense, to the Eldar offer, rogue Tau geneticists supported and housed by Farsight engineered their own tofu-creature program, built around several carefully captured and preserved tofudebeast specimens and a rather popular cookbook recently authored by the retired Shas'o K'yr O'lan.

Unfortunately for the budding research program, the only animal deemed to be of proper size, mass, and genetic pliability was the common Krootox, Kroot Sigmius Primus. This rapidly spiraled into disaster- the Krootofuox proved large, strong, rapidly regenerative and uniformly aggressive.

Due to their regenerative properties, sturdy and nutritious flesh, and lack of a centralized organ system, the Krootofuoxen proved extremely difficult to kill, and reports continue to filter out of the Enclaves telling of rogue Krootofuoxen escaping and wreaking havoc on isolated research stations and testing worlds.

Points for Red Wombat Tea Company, too.

Taipan
09-10-2008, 01:09
Unfortunately for the budding research program, the only animal deemed to be of proper size, mass, and genetic pliability was the common Krootox, Kroot Sigmius Primus. This rapidly spiraled into disaster- the Krootofuox proved large, strong, rapidly regenerative and uniformly aggressive.

Due to their regenerative properties, sturdy and nutritious flesh, and lack of a centralized organ system, the Krootofuoxen proved extremely difficult to kill, and reports continue to filter out of the Enclaves telling of rogue Krootofuoxen escaping and wreaking havoc on isolated research stations and testing worlds.

These need to be in the next Tau Codex, Krootox still = suckage.

Octavius_Maximus
09-10-2008, 02:12
Responding, in a sense, to the Eldar offer, rogue Tau geneticists supported and housed by Farsight engineered their own tofu-creature program, built around several carefully captured and preserved tofudebeast specimens and a rather popular cookbook recently authored by the retired Shas'o K'yr O'lan.


The Plastic Chef?

"Sooyllllleeeeeeeeennn GREEENELEEEEEEE!!!!"

Taipan
09-10-2008, 06:04
The Plastic Chef?

"Sooyllllleeeeeeeeennn GREEENELEEEEEEE!!!!"

I love that show. The presenter smiles like a deranged psychopath :p and you cannot replicate that enthusiasm. It's like he was created artificially to host Iron Chef.

"Which cuisine reigns supreme? Who rules the Iron Chef kitchens?"

Heh heh, we have the Exarchs in a cook-off.

English Voice-over 1; "The Challenger, Exarch Pyro of the Fire Dragon temple, using his patented 'burn till black' technique, really mixing in the flavors there too"
English Voice-over 2; "Yes John, but will it be enough to beat Exarch Mc'Stabby of the Striking Scorpion temple, with his well-known 'bloodied uneven chunks' approach? He's already halfway through his second dish, and there's no stopping him. He just gutted one of his assistants for slowing him down!"
Token Female Voice-over; "Wait, I think I see Pryo adding some salsa to the pot, do you think that will help?"
Voice-over 1; "It might just tip the balance in his favor, Jill. But we'll have to wait and see if style wins over speed, in this epic battle of wills in the Craftworld kitchen!"

Who do you think will be judging their dishes? I reckon they'll get Eldrad (older guy), Karandras (the younger guy) and possibly Jain Zar (token woman). Remember, one the guys has to love it, one has to be unenthusastic, and the woman has to like everything ;) .

Imperialis_Dominatus
09-10-2008, 08:59
Farseer; Yriel, are you sure we need that much lighter fluid?
Prince; You think you can do it better? If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Now stand back, I'm going to use my crazy eye on the steaks. They'll be cooked in no time.

Haha. I lol'd.

MrBigMr
09-10-2008, 09:43
Responding, in a sense, to the Eldar offer, rogue Tau geneticists supported and housed by Farsight engineered their own tofu-creature program, built around several carefully captured and preserved tofudebeast specimens and a rather popular cookbook recently authored by the retired Shas'o K'yr O'lan.
“We cannot afford a tofu gap!"

But tofu might be a change to the usual stuff Tau eat (http://www.eastern-empire.com/images/cartoons/tau_sushi.html).

Unclejo
09-10-2008, 10:03
The above depends on your definition of "barbecue'. Hmmmm...kinky.

NEVER go to a party at Raimos house.

Brucopeloso
09-10-2008, 12:58
Eldar eat steak and Iyanden are fond of tofu but we all know what eldar like most: Cheeeeeese Gromit! ;->

MrBigMr
09-10-2008, 13:27
NEVER go to a party at Raimos house.
Speak for yourself. I've never been to a non-kinky BBQ.

luchog
09-10-2008, 21:58
Due to their regenerative properties, sturdy and nutritious flesh, and lack of a centralized organ system, the Krootofuoxen proved extremely difficult to kill, and reports continue to filter out of the Enclaves telling of rogue Krootofuoxen escaping and wreaking havoc on isolated research stations and testing worlds.

Proving once again that you definitely do NOT want to be around when tofu goes bad. (Ask me how I know this. :D )


Points for Red Wombat Tea Company, too.
Ursula Vernon is several different kinds of awesome.

kishvier
09-10-2008, 22:16
Okay, Ian (Raimo) quit the random refrences to tofu! I come on today to find 3 messages labled "Iz Tofu" telling me to check this thread out! What do I find? Kinky BBQ's??? WTF is this! Where are the mods!

Brother_Chaplian Raimo
09-10-2008, 22:48
Probably the best thread this week. Don't exaggerate- that was only one pm, and I only mentioned the thread in passing. You're just jealous of my awesome fluff. Tofu is fun, anyway.
Now, let's keep this thread on (questionably random) topic.


NEVER go to a party at Raimo's house.

;)

spetswalshe
09-10-2008, 23:59
No, no I disagree! They get eaten by the void whale and make steaks out of it's stomach before they're digested! DUH!:D

I read somewhere that a void whale's stomach is made of mouths.

Brucopeloso
10-10-2008, 07:44
I read somewhere that a void whale's stomach is made of mouths.

Weird! So where do the mouth end up? Back into the stomach? So chaotic! :D

Frankye
10-10-2008, 08:01
Altansar, due to the unfortunate nature of recent events, is entirely vegetarian, with the majority of preserved meat having recently sprouted extra eyes and developed a pulse. Although many food plants exhibited similar mutation, most were deemed acceptable, with Farseer Iocoloin quoted as having said "If it's got a pulse, cut it out. Other than that it's fine, unless it's glowing and chanting." Reports of cucumbers chanting litanies to the Blood God saw sections of the Craftworld's gardens temporarily cordoned off, but production remains relatively stable.
That explains why maugan ra is big as an ork, he's probably eating all the meat directed to alantsar by himself to prevent daemon steak possession.

MrBigMr
10-10-2008, 09:50
Weird! So where do the mouth end up? Back into the stomach? So chaotic! :D
Well, when a whale says it has a lot of little mouths to feed, it ain't lyin'.

Ganymene
10-10-2008, 14:03
So remember, the next time an ork waaagh is manipulated to ravage the Imperium rather than get to an exodite ranch world, those 100 billion guardsmen died so Eldrad could have his steak dinner.


The legend of kikkoman continues...


The above depends on your definition of "barbecue'. Hmmmm...kinky.

The American dream. :D



I can't decide If I should be laughing or pretending I never wandered in here.



P.S. - Steak Rules!


P.P.S. - Dinosaur Steak Rules Harder! :evilgrin:

ThunderShrike.
10-10-2008, 22:12
Craftworlds are entirely self sufficient space faring worlds with access to warpgates to teleport around the galaxy. The static territories they protect though are the maiden worlds, bountiful garden planets tended by their country-mouse brethren, the exodites.

The CWE defend them viciously, destroying any imperial or ork or whatnot threats that get close.
They might say "well they'll be staging worlds for rebooting the old Empire", but y'know the CWE's just stay on their craftworlds. So why?

'Cause they produce meat, big juicy pieces of gigantosaurus meat. That's the only thing Craftworlders get from the exodites. They don't need raw materials, they don't recruit the natives, they don't build vacation homes, they get meat. This is the only thing ever mentioned in canon fluff.

Eating steaks is the primary motivation for the CWE to fight. If they ran away and abandoned the exodites, they wouldn't have any steaks and would be eating cup noodles for the rest of eternity.

So remember, the next time an ork waaagh is manipulated to ravage the Imperium rather than get to an exodite ranch world, those 100 billion guardsmen died so Eldrad could have his steak dinner.


Fun Fact:
Biel Tann eats more steak than Ulthwe and Alaitoc combined! Saim Hann comes a close second. Iyanden eats tofu.




How do you think the Eldar like their steaks?


Many people prefer their's medium rare.

Poseidal
10-10-2008, 22:21
Eldar prefer their steak cooked with...

Kikkoman (http://www.kikkoman.com/index.shtml).

ThunderShrike.
10-10-2008, 22:27
Soy sauce with steaks. That is kind of like "fusion" cuisine.

MrBigMr
10-10-2008, 22:39
Soy makes a good marinade for chiken and salmon. I don't know about stakes though. Might have to try it.

DapperAnarchist
11-10-2008, 03:58
Oh, its a great marinade for stakes. Vampires hate the stuff.

Coasty
11-10-2008, 11:05
Oh, the humanity! The terrible punnage!

Steaks should be nicely seasoned with ground herbs and that stuff that comes in a jar marked 'steak seasoning'.
How d'you think Dark Eldar like theirs?

Unclejo
11-10-2008, 11:06
How do you think the Eldar like their steaks?


Many people prefer their's medium rare.

People who order steak medium-rare deserve to be taken out and shot. There, I said it.

Rockerfella
11-10-2008, 12:47
What? I'm a rare, meduim are man. I like some blood on my meat. I want it to dissolve. I don't want a charred husk of black filth sat there next to my chips.

Screw that!

*waves arms* Ok... is this where I get taken outside and shot? :P

MrBigMr
11-10-2008, 13:30
"Shot", as in "injection." Or lethal injection in this case. Now drop your pants. You may feel a small prick.

I myself am more of a well done man, but I'm not too picky.

Rockerfella
11-10-2008, 13:44
I may feel a small prick? I'm sure i've heard that somewhere before....*ponders*

I'm going out for a meal tonight too. So, I can see this thread having some influence on my choice tonight.

Steak, with either blue cheese esauce, or red wine and musroom sauce always works for me.

I'll get me coat....

luchog
12-10-2008, 06:19
How d'you think Dark Eldar like theirs?
Alive and screaming.

luchog
12-10-2008, 06:20
Now drop your pants. You may feel a small prick.

Very small!


Wooooooo!

DapperAnarchist
12-10-2008, 13:08
I'm so glad I didn't make that joke... You know whats odd? The most "redblooded" army, in fact mostly each mushroom burgers. Made from mobile mushrooms, but still, Orks are nearly vegetarian.

luchog
12-10-2008, 19:21
I'm so glad I didn't make that joke... You know whats odd? The most "redblooded" army, in fact mostly each mushroom burgers. Made from mobile mushrooms, but still, Orks are nearly vegetarian.

Hrm...

Is it possible to be a cannabalistic vegetarian?

Food for thought...






Please don't hit me.

kikkoman
12-10-2008, 19:44
I'm so glad I didn't make that joke... You know whats odd? The most "redblooded" army, in fact mostly each mushroom burgers. Made from mobile mushrooms, but still, Orks are nearly vegetarian.

hmmm. Orks are fungus. Truffle is a fungus, truffles are highly sought after by those with a refined pallet. Eldar qualify as those. Perhaps there is a sect of Eldar ork hunters, after the elusive Black Périgord Summer Ork.


Yeah, I also vote for C.S. Goto's demotion.

Then I shall take his place!!

Altharius, which meant in the ancient inscrutible eldar tongue THe Most Elegant of Nobility in The Arts of Graceful Warfare and Majestic Pottery pointed his elegant weapon at the apish space marines, the squad ripped apart by a graceful hail of deadly shuriken fire, the advanced psycho reactive monomolecular wraithbone edges ripped apart their crude armor like a swarm of vengeful wraithbees defending their spirithoney from the starbears of ancient eldar mythology.

Still for every crudely clad clunky stupid clumsy monkey marine killed, a dozen swarmed in to take its place. Their clumsy boxcars puttered slowly towards the elegant firing lines of the most ancient eldritch elegant Eldar, blown away by graceful deadly brilliant lances of energy from the vengeful lances of the glorious guardian squad Thethaliusomis which meant in the ancient Eldar tongue The Squad of Most Righteous Invincible Unwavering Noble Craftsmen Who Craft Death as Elegantly As Their Earthenware.

Altharius danced gracefully through the clumsy bolts belched by the marine's crude gun, if such a clumsy device could even be called a weapon, dispatching one after another with elegant sweeps of his monomolecular finely crafted gem encrusted graceful blade made from the psychoreactive wraithbone, testament to the Eldar psychic and technological mastery.

A stray bolt shell farted through the air and struck Altharius upon his noble chest, but the amazing psycho reactive wraithbone armor of the Eldar which was as flexible as the most sheer silk elegantly shifted and hardened harder than the hardest of hardturtles of ancient Eldar mythology to deflect the crude monkeyshot, veering it into the face of another clumsy marine standing beside him.

Altharius then somersaulted through the air dancing across the sky like the great elegant hunting falcons of Eldar mythology and in his descent his elegant heel caved in the helmet of one of the crude armor clad monkeys and used the building momentum to spin cartwheeling towards the leader of the marines, a great ugly brute with crooked teeth and a lazy eye and ruddy wrinkly skin his crude armor garishly covered in seals and with the crudely banged out symbol of his clumsy god emperor scrawled upon his crude armor. The simple creature's dumb farm animal eyes widened in fear as the spinning whirlwind of eldritch ancient elegant destruction spun towards him and in a graceful flash of majestic advanced wraithbone he was cut cleanly in two by the elegant gem encrusted monomolecular edge. Its kidneys, backup kidneys, secondary kidneys, and delux double black kidneys all fell out of his body with a disgusting ploop.

Their leader dead, the marines hopped back into their boxes and puttered away, but there would be no escape for the crude monkeys as their clumsy retreat was cut apart by an elegant hail of deadly monomolecular shuriken discs and graceful lances of light that cut through the air like the legendary glowwyrms of eldar mythology which once aided The Ancient Mythological Eldar God Vaul as he got lost in the spiritwoods in the legendary mythologies of the eldar's ancient past.

Altharius was glad the war was over and looked forward to returning to walking the graceful path of the potter which staved off the temptations of slaanesh but he walked a razor's edge between indulgence and the trappings of the path which the brilliant eldar mind could fall to such was the tragedy of his people.

Harwammer
12-10-2008, 21:26
Kikkoman, that was beautiful!

Beautiful and hillarious :D

madd0ct0r
12-10-2008, 21:35
print it off and stick it to your local GW shop's window...


@Kikkoman - do you mind if I steal that idea with the truffle orks?
it'd fit nicely with the rest of my armies fluff.

Brucopeloso
13-10-2008, 10:41
How do you think the Eldar like their steaks?


Many people prefer their's medium rare.

I would say very rare...... they are a dwindling race after all ;)

BrotherOfBrass
13-10-2008, 11:18
This thread has single-handedly revived my love for Eldar. I will not abandon them to a meat-free diet on my shelf. Once more unto the ranch, warriors of Siam-Hann, for barbeques and stir-fry, kebabs and steak dinners!

Saul T
13-10-2008, 12:04
When's the book coming out Kikkoman?

How to Cook Steak and Mass Slaughter, an introduction. Including chapters How to kebab dinos in battle and Marine offal the hidden delights

I feel there has been some sillyness on this thread.

MrBigMr
13-10-2008, 12:10
Wonder if the Emperor ever worked as a kebab vender.

DapperAnarchist
13-10-2008, 17:47
Yes. In Iskander's Kebab House, Dublin. Those things must be the product of a divine power...

MrBigMr
13-10-2008, 18:11
You haven't had kebab unless you had kebab in Turkey. Man, that stuff is like... Take an average burker and compared it to the best dish of kebab you have ever had. Now image that kebab dish is the averabe burger and real Turkish kebab is the best dish ever. It's that good.

Frankye
13-10-2008, 19:27
Well, the kebab you get in the rest of europe is mainly made out of cow and chicken, real kebab's mutton...

Umh... dinosaur kebab... now that would be something...

kikkoman
14-10-2008, 01:26
print it off and stick it to your local GW shop's window...


@Kikkoman - do you mind if I steal that idea with the truffle orks?
it'd fit nicely with the rest of my armies fluff.

go ahead, though what are you going to do with them?

I've always liked the imagery of Eldar eating other races... 'cause they really don't care (meat is meat, and most of their weapons safely chop things up into bite size pieces, instead of burning or exploding with un-tasty chemicals)



Wonder if the Emperor ever worked as a kebab vender.
yes, and he was so good, Eldrad himself came to visit him

it was over a kebab, so delicious it was, that Eldrad for free scry'd his future and told the vendor "hey your kid's gonna try to kill out, watch out for space demons"

Imperialis_Dominatus
14-10-2008, 07:59
People who order steak medium-rare deserve to be taken out and shot. There, I said it.

Mmmm, delicious medium-rare steak. What were you saying again?


"Shot", as in "injection." Or lethal injection in this case. Now drop your pants. You may feel a small prick.

No! Bad MrBigMr! No!

...

I really should know better than to bother by now, shouldn't I?

MrBigMr
14-10-2008, 08:54
I've always liked the imagery of Eldar eating other races... 'cause they really don't care (meat is meat, and most of their weapons safely chop things up into bite size pieces, instead of burning or exploding with un-tasty chemicals)
Imagine a craftworld of Hannibals. 'Nids may hunger, but these guys have a real appetite. Reminds me of the picture I saw once of a cooked Emperor with an apple in his mouth and some Marines looking quite troubled. The Marine bringing him in say "You told me to serve the Emperor."

Naturally Hannibal's wraithguards and lords should be dressed as waiters. Even in death they still serve. Avatar should have an apron that says "Kiss the cook" and his spear should be a skewer. Preferably with stuff on it, like people and such. Storm Guardians should be armed with forks.

Nothing like a 120 Eldar Storm Guardians with Warlocks and an Avatar to make them Fearless to make even the Orks shake in their boots.


I really should know better than to bother by now, shouldn't I?
Might as well try to hold the rain or stop the sun from going down.