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Nid
03-05-2005, 09:06
Now, this is unsubstantiated so I've been asking around for more information. Nothing concrete that I've been able to find.

My friend told me Tool and APC are no more, because supposedly Maynard found God the day before they were set to record the new album for Tool. If thats true its a tragedy! :(

Anyone got any info?

Edit: It was his version of an April Fool's joke. I love him.

According to Toolband.com:


Quote: "Christians, huh? So forgive me." - Bill Hicks
Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynardís extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."

Delicious Soy
03-05-2005, 09:23
Damn it, I was all ready to put your fears to rest too.

Hopefully Tool release the album they're supposedly working on. Sometime this decade much preferred :p

Lord Balor
03-05-2005, 09:29
Dammit Nid, you freaked me out for a second...we already lost kurt and i don't plan on seeing Maynard go down that same path for quite some time...

:(

The Phoenix
03-05-2005, 10:03
Dammit Nid, you freaked me out for a second...we already lost kurt and i don't plan on seeing Maynard go down that same path for quite some time...In all fairness, finding God isn't exactly "the same road" as shooting one's self in the head. Prehaps you don't mean Kurt Cobain, but a different Kurt? If so, ignore this post...

Aurelien
03-05-2005, 10:08
First time I heard this, I figured it was ********. Thinking back to everything I ever read on Toolband I decided he was being funny.

Still, I'm pleased to see that they are back in the studio.

Lord Balor
03-05-2005, 10:11
In all fairness, finding God isn't exactly "the same road" as shooting one's self in the head. Prehaps you don't mean Kurt Cobain, but a different Kurt? If so, ignore this post...

Who else would i be ralking of :P
This brings up the old argument, did he die or was he murdered. Was someone as OD'd as Kurt able to pull a shotgun to his head or not. The point i was trying to make was loosing another legend...

Delicious Soy
03-05-2005, 10:30
Or was someone capable of shooting themself in the head, reloading and repeating the process?

m1s1n
03-05-2005, 17:45
When I first heard about Maynard's "Finding Jesus" thing I got a little nervous. I'm not a huge Tool/APC fan, but I do really enjoy their music. It seemed especially bizarre considering the chorus to "Judith" and "Eulogy". However, I realized the date of the post was too close to April Fools to be safe.

I think this was Maynard's outward assault on the guy who quit KoRn to become a religious advocate. It is somewhat clever in that you can make the connection without ever mentioning the man's name.

Lord Lucifer
04-05-2005, 01:58
Nid, don't you EVER do that again!
It gave me the same sick feeling in the stomach that I got when Portent went down in march.
Bad Nid!

And Soy, be fair, the only reason Lateralus was so late to be made was because they were in a nasty court battle with their label. This time it's because we got two APC albums... sweet :D

anarchistica
04-05-2005, 02:42
In all fairness, finding God isn't exactly "the same road" as shooting one's self in the head. Prehaps you don't mean Kurt Cobain, but a different Kurt? If so, ignore this post...
Of course he meant Cobain. And i think he result of both actions is quite similar. ;)

And pffft, you're not a real Maynard fan if you believed this, every real fan knows he loathes that nonsense. ;)

Kittah
04-05-2005, 05:28
Well if you want to get into the technicalities of it, shooting yourself won't result in you finding god, as I recall suicide is one of those unforgiveable sins.

fellows
04-05-2005, 21:07
Well if you want to get into the technicalities of it, shooting yourself won't result in you finding god, as I recall suicide is one of those unforgiveable sins.

Well technically IIRC "they" reworked that rule so it now states that suiciders, if suffering from severe, and extreme circumstances choose to kill themselves, but still maintain a love for God or something, will be placed in a Limbo of sorts.

So basically You (suicided) + Unbaptised babies + LOOOTS OF TIME = GOD ... Eventually

...On topic, it is preety intresting how one sentence can bring about disgust and a small amount of hatred. When I first read the subject of this thread, I almost immediatly deleted all my Tool Music, and was about to toss their CD's out the window. (Well I'd keep the artwork.)

I mean 4 years isnt the longest time, but its about time Tool released some new stuff. Clearly Maynard is a busy guy and all with APC and whatnot.

I thought 13th step was decent although at first I didnt like it at all. I was a little more disapointed by Emotive.

The news that Tool would be releasing an album... (and keeps fingers crossed, go on tour again made me punch my mom.) Maynard and myself have not been on the best terms since he cancelled their last Vancouver show.

BUT, all is well and that is one great April Fool's Joke. Although a better one would have been to be like "Hey we are releasing some new stuff today, instead of 7 months from now.... APRIL FOOLS"

Delicious Soy
05-05-2005, 00:36
Pffft. Emotive. I refuse to purchase flagrant anti war crap. Marginally less flagrant, maybe :p

New Cult King
05-05-2005, 09:24
I saw this horrid little rumour floating around a little while ago, and immediately discounted it... This is Maynard, fer cryin' out loud!

Can't wait for a new Tool album. The new Mudvayne album was not as great as I'd hoped... I need some new music!