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Ranger S2H
08-04-2009, 22:14
this is the story of my inquisitor but Im still working on it.
I still have to add the parts where he meets an adamas ranger (WIP)
where he attacks an ordo xenos scientist messing with nid DNA,
and the background of the other members of his warband.
When thats done, ill start posting the stats, equipment and special rules.

I wanted to wait untill it was complete before posting this, but it turns out
I simply dont have the patience for that.;)

I'd like questions and comments, and I wondered if you could warn me of
major plot- and fluffholes I might have missed.

note: theres a pretty clear referance to a certain movie in there;)

kaled
09-04-2009, 18:28
I read it, and although it started okay, it's all a bit Mary-Sue (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue) - Stahl is just so great at everything he does that it just seems utterly unrealistic and cliched. Then the more it goes on, the more it sounds like a bad joke - a Necron version of Arnie and the 'schwarzenator'?! It even has a deathbed promotion...

Personally I never bought the whole Adamas thing the last time you posted it - it still doesn't really seem to fit in the 41st millenium. I suggest you start with a slightly more conventional character - maybe read a few more 40k novels, perhaps starting with Eisenhorn, and definitely download the Thorian Sourcebook from the Inquisitor section of the GW site to get a better grounding in how the Inquisition operates.

Your characters show some promise, they just need to fit into the gritty 40k universe a bit more.

Ranger S2H
09-04-2009, 18:57
when I reread my story, I suppose you're right.
I know I tend to go over the top, but I guess I start big and then tone it down. thats how I write my armylists too.

The Necron schwarzenegger was intended to be a joke, I am working on some apocalyse datasheets with 40k referances to famous movies and characters. sly marbo style.

Adamas is something personal, I am writing a history and a list of famous characters, but that has probably more mary sue in it than is physically possible. I see it as a history book, with celebrated victories and forgotten failures. for example: in my history book the piece on D-day has a lot of details, and all it says on operation market garden is the fact it failed.

The idea is an indepent human federation, who just reestablished contact with the rest of the galaxy after being seperated for ages of fighting its own wars, and finds all other human worlds under "imperial oppression".
now i need to think of what they would do. I know the imperium has a huge bureaucracy, and I figured an organisation with the right agents on the right places can manipulate it, as they would be destroyed if the imperium launches a crusade. the goal of the agents is to make sure they stall it for as long as possible, by manipulating the flow of information, and sabotaging where neccesary. in the mean time, the adamas people are being educated about the evil imperium and the heroic deeds of the adamas rangers. of course 75% of all operations will end in failure and death, but the civilians dont need to know, right? as a democracy (or at least the people think it is), any leak on failed operations has the potential of shutting down the place and dooming adamas to the imperium.

This is why I think the inquisitor game is a better start than 40k: secret operations behind the scenes. in the end of the story, all effort was made to buy time, as imperial attack is inevitable. buy time to find a defence that might hold off an all-out crusade.

I am going to take your advice and read the torian sourcebook, and I will try to get a copy of eisenhorn