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Prince_Agraxor
04-01-2006, 00:40
I'm quite fond of the Eversor temple, in fact, I'd probably say it was my favourite, so I wrote this.


Eversor

The warning klaxon had been sounding since the first body was discovered, a junior savant with her neck broken and stuffed into the casing of a malfunctioning cogitator, that was two days ago. The wailing of the alarm systems had continued unabated as more freshly killed corpses were discovered by the hour, the death toll reaching over two hundred in that terrible forty-eight hours. The regional Viceroy raged uncontrollably at his aides, slaying one of them with a vicious blow to the throat as he ranted maniacally, vowing to do the same thing to the perpetrators of the murders. The deaths had been silent and undetected by the security systems and it seemed the killers, for there had to be a band of these fiends to work so quickly, had only begun their butchering shortly before the first body was discovered.

The palace guards patrolled in groups of two or more and slotted hotshot powercells in their lasguns, they jumped at every clatter and a large amount of collateral damage was caused by over-eager trigger fingers and frayed nerves. The Viceroy raged still, although would not, could not send to the planetary Governor for aid lest his plans be discovered. His new allies would help him, this he was sure of, if only the emissary had not been called away on his masters business, he would have been able to deal with these rebels.

On the third day the real killing began.

The Viceroy’s palace contained some fifteen-hundred staff, all sworn to the his service for life. Only one of them had not made the mistake of abasing himself before the emissary and he had died for his impudence, although not before he made his feelings clear to a friend in the planetary Governors' household. The information was quickly passed on through the ranks until it left the planet via Astropathic communication bound for the Inquisitorial fortress not two days warp travel away. The name of the emissary was known to certain members of the Inquisition operating out of the fortress, Verdranst of the Ravaging, an Eater of Worlds, a a bastard son of the corrupted Astartes, the death of his agent was planned swiftly.

A small ship entered orbit and broke atmosphere one week after the the message was received, it transmitted codes rendering it invisible to all but the Governors' most trusted aides, it landed silently and deployed its' horrifying cargo. The adepts of the Officio Assassinorum awoke him from his cryo-sleep and utilized the neural link of their ancient cogitative devices to implant the mission objectives into the assassins cerebellum directly. They cringed as he fully awoke, still programmed to operate in stealth mode until discovered at which point the Frenzon dispenser implanted in the base of his skull would discharge, sending him into an animalistic orgy of pain and death. It still chilled them to see their charge in full combat mode even to this day, having served the benevolent God-Emperor for over a century. The sight of a soldier of His Will who had been engineered to be greater than a normal man reduced to something so primal and bestial touched them on a level that could never be overcome by conditioning.

The assassin had slipped into the complex late that night and killed the savant withing minutes of arriving before moving on to the next living being he discovered, everything that breathed was to stop before his mission was complete. He slipped quietly through the shadows, snapping necks and cutting throats, his Neuro-Gauntlet tearing through flesh while its' archaic technologies obliterated the synaptic functions of his victims, most of them dying not of the wounds, but as a result of the cerebral haemorraging caused by the weapon. His Executioner pistol spat silent toxin coated needles into eyes and necks, the targets central nervous systems shutting down in seconds, like the bite of a Catachan Leaf snake amplified a thousand times. He was silent death incarnate until the augmetic arm of an unlucky lexmechanic exploded on contact with the Neuro-Gauntlet, sending a bio-feedback blast through it into the assassin, it was sheer agony for him and started his adrenaline flowing free.

It triggered the implant, it awakened the beast.

He tore the man apart in seconds as his throat unleashed an animalistic howl, ululating through the corridors and hallways of the complex, striking terror into the hearts of all who heard it. The first squad of guards that reached him was ten-strong, by the time even one of them had loosed a single las-bolt he had slaughtered seven of them. The las-fire never found its' mark, he simply was not there for it to hit and the remained three troopers were disemboweled from behind without even realizing he was no longer in front of them. He quickly began carving a bloody swathe through the complex, all thoughts of silence and hiding gone as the Frenzon dispenser drove him onwards, frothing at the mouth and screaming as he killed. The powerblade mounted on his wrist crackled into life as it parted flesh from bone with every deadly swipe, his pistol switched to Bolt mode and blasted open the carapace armour of the Viceroys' elite, pulverizing the soft heretical filth within.

Soon he tore his way into the inner sanctum of his target to fulfill the only objective he had, to kill everything that walked or crawled in the complex, only the Viceroy and his hand-picked bodyguards were left. They were waiting for him in the sanctum, armed for battle, the Viceroy clad in a suit of power armour that had at one point been the legacy of a crusading warrior-priest but was now daubed in the vile sigils of the Lord of Skulls and all their faces scarred and tattooed in like fashion, truely the Viceroy was beyond redemption. No words were spoken, the servants of the Blood God giving in to their psychotic need for battle with bellows of hate and rage, although nothing that could match the deep roar the erupted from the assassin as he emptied the bolt clip into the bodyguards. The two leading traitors erupted as the bolt rounds detonated inside them, the deutrium cores exploding them like so much shredded meat. He threw the empty pistol with force enough to shatter the skull of the third bodyguard, leaving only two between him and the Viceroy, two who fell like corn before a threshser as he barreled through them at the perpetrator of this sickness. He swung his arms wide, powerblade to the right and Neuro-Gauntlet to the left as he passed between them, and somersaulted as he felt the weapons enter flesh. The result was horrendous as he tore through them, them blades twisting and rending the men to shreds, he landed in front of the Viceroy with his arms up in a cross-block, catching a whirling chainaxe as it flew towards his face.

Through the drug induced insanity he spat into the Viceroy's face, "In the name of the Immortal God-Emperor you have been declared Heretic and Traitor to the Imperium of Mankind, you will find no rest in his arms."

The Viceroy screamed all the louder and renewed his attack, a chainaxe in one hand and power-axe in the other each swipe intended to eviscerate the assassin, to claim his skull for the throne of his Lord and to spill the blood the Viceroy craved to feel washing over him. A sweeping blow of the chainaxe was deflected by the gauntletand the assassin quickly swung his powerblade around to hack off the hand wielding it but the Viceroy was quick as well, planting a vicious boot into the assassins ribs and sending him crashing into a cabinet full of awards and trophies. As he stood, the assassin hurled a long shard of glass snatched up from the wreckage in a lightning fast swing of his arm, the Viceroy not even realizing what had occured until pain blossomed in his left eye as the glass tore into it. He grunted in pain as he pulled it from his face, his eyeball still impaled on it as it slipped out, he licked the blood from it and laughed.

"You are no match for me, I serve the Lords of Skulls, the Bringer of War, I shall carve through you like blade though cloth."

The Viceroy threw himself at the assassin, the chainaxe ripping a bloody gash across his left shoulder, spraying blood across walls and floor and he stumbled back a step. It was all the opening the Viceroy needed and he brought the chainaxe round in a mighty arc, fully ready to strike the servant of the Inquisition down with the poweraxe when he doged the blow. What he wasn't ready for was the ferocity incited as the shoulder injury increased the flow of Frenzon into the assassins bloodstream almost tenfold, the room became as an abbatoir and the Viceroy was the livestock ready for the butchers knife. The assassin came on too fast for the Viceroy to actually see his movements, he merely felt the powerblade severing his arms at the elbows and stab into each of thighs seven or eight times before he hit the floor. To his credit, he actually managed to roll over onto his back before he saw the assassin standing over him, powerblade pressed to the base of his chin.

"His Will be Done." the assassin said, driving the Neuro-Gauntlet into the Viceroys' lungs, drowning him in his own blood and destroying his mind.

It was some hours later when the adepts arrived to find the assassin lying unconcious like a sleeping child as the drugs wore off, and it was times like this when they truely understood the temple masters reason for not supplying this operative with a ritual face mask. He couldn't have been more than seventeen years old, chronologicaly, and he had what they could only describe as the face of an angel. It occured to them the terror that must be instilled in the hearts of the damned, to see this bestial angel, this heavenly monster, as it turned them into mounds of torn flesh and shattered bone.

Such were the ways of the Eversor.

vforvenator
05-01-2006, 17:38
Cracking. A brilliant piece of fluff, and extremely well written - volkking marvellous.
:skull:

Hideous Loon
05-01-2006, 21:11
Wow. Truly, God-awfully smashing. One of the best stories ever. Totally.

StugMeister
05-01-2006, 22:11
Yes, that indeed sir is a wonderful yarn.

Good stuff!

Izram
05-01-2006, 22:50
I liked it, a little overdescriptive at some parts; there is only so many times we can hear how his claw kills someone.

Some things I didn't like:
1. 200 people in 48 hours?! It is unrealistic and overly "keanu reeves" to have one man avoid all detection and kill 200 people. The viceroy would cut his losses and quarintine areas and purge them, or at the very least, leave the planet/station within the first couple hours. And at the end are to belive that he killed all 1500 people there as the viceroy and his gaurds were the only ones left? That would be more than 60 kills an hour, for a straight day, assuming he started at 12:01 in the morning and killed the viceroy at 11:59 that night. How was he not caught, or not die of overexposure to toxins, or somehow die in those 3 days! he isn't the 'one', he isn't goku or something, he is an assassin. It seemed like a peice by an eversor fanboy (no offense meant at all).

2. 10 times the frenzon and his heart doesn't explode? He is still of mind to let his victim know "his will be done"? Can't have your cake and eat it too; He is either a beast or a cool-headed assassin, going back and forth almost ruined the story for me.

3. Endline "Such were the ways of the Eversor". The first time I saw the post I saw the endline and didn't even bother reading it. I saw some positive feedback and figured I would give it a read, and Im glad, because it was interesting, but it is a cheesy (IMO) way to end it. I think it would have been better to end it with the eversor on the floor with his mask off (I.E. he had it on before) and they looked upon his face, as he self-destructed. At least, thats what I was expecting (Hoping for:D) .

Some things I DID like:
1. The original announcment "In the name of the Immortal God-Emperor you have been declared Heretic and Traitor to the Imperium of Mankind, you will find no rest in his arms." Very classy.

2. The first paragraph, minus the death-toll part.

3."To his credit, he actually managed to roll over onto his back " Nice:).

Things it could have used:
1. More description of the surrounding, some more setting and mood. I couldn't put the whole picture together in my head, it just seemed like it was a claw floating through space killing people.

2. A little more dialogue? I know it is hard in a short story to change perspective, but it seemed a bit dry. lots of killing, not much else (Its not a movie its a short story!)

In conclusion: I liked it, a lot more than most GW fanfiction actually. I think it was also lacking in story and had an overabundance of killing people. In the movies, thats all we want to see; but some more storytelling would have been nice. You described what things were, but not what they were like. What I mean is, You described who the viceroy was, but not what he looked like, not what he really looked like (you gave us power armor, but I would have liked a bit more). Keep up the good work.

Prince_Agraxor
06-01-2006, 00:28
Thanks, that's the best critique I've ever had of anything I've written.

1 - The more I look at it, the more I see that the kill count is rather OTT. I wrote the piece at work, looks like the maths got the better of me there, I think I'll amend it to make it a shade more realistic, although as it's 1 AM, I think that can wait until the morrow.

2 - I figured that the Eversor would be engeineered to cope with vast amounts of combat drugs pumping trhough his system, tenfold just sounds impressive.

3 - Cheesy yes, clichéd no. I desperately wanted to avoid the usual "Assassin goes boom" ending, hence the ever so cryptic cheese at the end.

Improvements

1 - Something to consider for my next piece, "Vindicare"

2 - Dialogue would have been nice, but I didn't feel that a stealthy/drugged up assassin would have much to say to a berserk Khorne worshipper. I'f I ever get around to finishing my rather lengthy Eldar story "The Reason" It'll have a better mix of killing and talking.

I'll pop my Wood Elf stuff up just now though.