PDA

View Full Version : The Holaris Crusades



tau_caste
10-09-2009, 04:16
Hey all, im in the process of writing a major history for my Black Templars and thought here would be the ideal place to try bits out and see what people think.

im planning on doing a complete history of all wars thought in the system including any that dont have a direct connection with the Black Templars. and i also plan on writing (for my own enjoyment and possibly yours if you all like it) a short novel on specific events such as a main war that involves these Black Templars. ive already got most of the basics down (completely up for scrutiny) and i know that some characters and what not might not be accurate to GW's fluff.. but i dont care because im creating my own identity for my Black Templars (as well as a small amount for my Ultramarines).

heres the first part, which is the list of planets in the Holaris system. and also the short story of the first war for holaris.

Planets of Holaris:

1. Holarin Echo (Dead World)
2. Holarin Alpha
3. Holarin beta (Farm World, Destroyed)
4. Holarin Delta
5. Holarin Gamma
6. Holarin Prime (Flag World)
7. Holarin Lima
8. Holarin Zulu (Dead World)
9. Holarin Epsilon
10.Holarin Omega (Dead World)
11.Holarin Bravo (Dead World)
12.Holarin Sigma (Dead World)
13.Holarin Omikron (Dead World)
14.Holarin Lambda (Dead World)
15.Holarin Kappa (Dead World)
16.Holarin Iota (Dead World)





112-982. M32 –Founding of Holaris and the First Wars

The Holaris System was founded by a small Imperial force of around 3,000 looking for new planets to conquer in the name of the Emperor. The Holarins were brought under Imperial control with no bloodshed needed. A new Imperial Guard force was created tasked with the service of protecting the small system of planets and if needed, they would be called to war to help protect the vast Imperium of Man. The force was named The Holarin Guard 77th division, or as the locals preferred, the Protectors of Holaris. The force comprised of a group of officials from the home world of Terra chosen to create this new army of the Imperium. The army was trained for years before being sent into war for the first time.

The first war for Holaris began on Holarin Beta, the third planet in the system. This planet was sparsely populated by farmers that provide the rest of the system with food and other items of need. But the planet held a dark secret that was uncovered by a farmer on the western edge of the main continent. The book of Nurgle was found buried in a tomb that had lain dormant for millennia. The book spoke of Nurgle being the Grandfather of the universe and immortal power in the 7 universes. The farmers chose to take the words of the book to be true and they renounced their faith in the Emperor, choosing to instead worship the ruinous powers of Grandfather Nurgle.

They attacked several small Imperial outposts on the planet, stealing weapons, armour, and small starships. All Imperial shrines on the planet were burnt to the ground, and the mark of Nurgle was burnt into the ground so large that it could be seen from space. The Holarin Guard soon learned of this chaos and dispatched every man able to bear arms to rain down on the heretics on Holarin Beta. They amassed every man able to bare arms from the three main civilized planets, Holarin Prime, Holarin Alpha and Holarin Delta. The force numbered as one of the largest forces of Imperial Guard ever amassed at one time. The force of farmers was also of a large size. The entire planet had turned to Chaos, a population of over 730 million people and those that did not renounce their faith were brutally slaughtered.

Some heretics escaped to Holarin Delta and Holarin Alpha and began preaching their belief in Nurgle, aiming to bring about a civil war on the planets. Half the population of Holarin Alpha chose to believe the words of the heretics and rebelled against the Holarin Guard and slaughtered every creature that was not worthy. Holarin Delta could not be convinced as the planet was too faithful in the Emperor that the heretics were slaughtered before even hearing their words.

Soon the heretics held 3 of the 7 civilized planets and 4 of the 9 uncivilized planets. Holarin Gamma, the 5th planet in the system, was the third and final planet to fall under the heretic’s control. The heretics amassed a massive force of over 10 billion warriors to serve the forces of Chaos. They stole the dead worlds from the Imperial fleet and burnt the symbol of Nurgle throughout the 3 civilized worlds. They destroyed the large gas planet of Holarin Kappa, burning the gas causing the planet to turn into a giant fireball. This caused the two ice planets around Holarin Kappa to become arid deserts, unlivable environs, that were far to hot for any man to set foot. Soon the heretics had control of all the dead worlds and 3 civilized worlds. The Holarin Guard kept control of the 5 largest Imperial populations in the system, Holarin Delta, Holarin Gamma, Holarin Prime, Holarin Lima and Holarin Epsilon.

The Holarin Guard slowly reclaimed the civilized worlds using orbital bombardment to cleanse the worlds of the taint of Nurgle. Finally only the dead worlds had to be taken from the heretic fleet. But this served a problem as over half the Imperial Navy of Holaris had been taken by the heretics. The remaining loyalist’s fleets attacked with precision and care, making sure not to lose any ships to the heretic guns. During this long space battle, 3 loyalist ships were annihilated but the entire fleet of heretics was destroyed. The first wars for Holaris lasted a lengthy 233 years, and caused many Holarin lives. The first wars are noted as being one of the most lengthy and significant wars ever thought by the Imperial Guard and placed the Holarin guard 77 to be one of the most respected and powerful divisions of Imperial Guard. The planets of Holaris were rebuilt within a few short years due to many different divisions of Imperial guard helping to rebuild after the Holarin Guard 77 was proven to be one of the most faithful armies know to man. Holaris lived in peace until the 41st millennium

During the cleansing, the book of Nurgle was lost under an orbital bombardment and thought to be destroyed. No trace of it was found for almost 8 millennia.

Firaxin
10-09-2009, 20:39
My opinions, if I may:

First, it's too extreme. That the Holarin Guard was "one of the largest forces of imperial guard ever amassed at one time" and "one of the most faithful armies known to man," not to mention that the war for this random recently founded system was one of the "most significant wars ever fought by the Imperial Guard" is ridiculous and borders on mary-sueish. That the heretics could steal "small" starships and keep them hidden on an agriworld is even worse, as is the notion that the entire planet would fall before the rest of the system begins reacting to these thefts and raids.

Second, everything happens too fast, or is at least presented to happen too fast. You say the war lasted 233 years but it doesn't read that way. If you hadn't given me a date I would've said the whole thing lasted no more than 10 years.

Finally, you can't exactly 'set fire' to a gas planet, unless you set off a never-ending nuclear reaction at its heart (which would make it a star. which you don't want to do, because the new gravity well would likely destabilize and destroy your system). Even if you could set it on fire (not turn it into a star, because radiation is a different matter from heat), space, being a vacuum, would not be able to transfer enough heat to turn the 'nearby' iceworlds into water-less deserts.

canucklhead
10-09-2009, 20:47
While I'm not going to argue Firaxin's points about the Science behind your ideas, (what the heck, it's just a story), I do agree that making the entire crusade larger than life and the biggest thing ever is a little much.

This is a common trap that writers fall into, myself included. Try instead to make individual moments during the campaign into something memorable, praise valiant last stands, heroic charges by knife wielding IG commandos, Suicidal rammings by burning hulks of ships. While not every campaign can be the greatest and most historically significant event in the history of the universe, every battle can have moments and people that make a lasting impression. What's really cool is that you will find they make a greater impression on the people who read your fluff as well.

tau_caste
11-09-2009, 00:53
ok first its wrong i know that, i actually copy and pasted it from my old version (just realised it when i read through it) which i wrote with a friend about 5 years ago. the other version i only just started re-writing and is a bit different.

1. so basically it says that its not the largest guard force ever, it was the largest guard force ever assembled in Holaris. ie it was more than the 3000 strong that found it.

2. they are faithful because prior to having been found by the empire, they were in an on-going fight against space pirates, and ork raiding parties. and well the empire saved them from that by giving them weapons etc.

3. and its also the most siginificant in the holaris system. if you read the title it says that its the 'first wars' not just one war. so there are other that played out after this, just minor inssurrections brought under control quickly.

4. the heretics stole ships going in and out of this planet through supply runs and kept them hidden from guard patrols, thats all it means. pretty basically this world didnt have many inhabitants so it fell under the heretic control really fast. and the guard didnt find out until they mounted the attack (this was also poor action by the leaders)

5. and yeah ive changed it now that the first wars all in all last that long, not just the first one. the first one as you say should be put down in about ten months. my idea was around 3 years.

6. and yeah as ive said above, i was alot younger when i wrote this, but the ice worlds would be consider dead worlds anyway coz noone could live on them regardless.

7. so basically that should change all your concerns. ill make sure i check which one im posting from in future :)

also @canucklhead its just an introduction backstory on the planet its not going to be my main storyline :) thats still to come

Firaxin
11-09-2009, 01:31
2. they are faithful because prior to having been found by the empire, they were in an on-going fight against space pirates, and ork raiding parties. and well the empire saved them from that by giving them weapons etc.
That doesn't make them one of the most faithful in the Imperium, though...


4. the heretics stole ships going in and out of this planet through supply runs and kept them hidden from guard patrols, thats all it means.
I still don't understand. You talking about like starfighters/bombers? Or frigates/escorts/etc? Because an individual system is not going to have very many ships, and the loss of even 1 is a huge deal ******** deal that would warrant an immediate response. No way for a 'surprise attack' later on, let alone even being able to hide such a ship, especially on a planet with no major heat/electrical sources (like a city).


and the guard didnt find out until they mounted the attack (this was also poor action by the leaders)
They would know. The best solution is probably to say that the other planets start conscripting regiments, but can't mobilize them before the agriworld is overrun.

canucklhead
12-09-2009, 00:36
I'm sure you are going to make a fine background story. Go to it and good luck. And don't concern yourself over much with the 'reality' of the science. Lucas made billions trading on the concept of a finite length blade of laser energy.:wtf:

tau_caste
15-09-2009, 06:44
@ firaxn

the comment about being faithful, why is it so unbelieveable? who says anyone else is more faithful, its my own backstory so why cant they be extremely faithful after 8 thousand years of protection from the emperor? i think id be pretty grateful!

the ships are just small planet to planet cargo ships which go around the system all the time, so its not completely noticed if one or two go missing here and there. it didnt mean they took a long time to figure it out, it just took them longer than to mount an attack.

Allen
15-09-2009, 09:27
Planets of Holaris:

1. Holarin Echo (Dead World)
2. Holarin Alpha
3. Holarin beta (Farm World, Destroyed)
4. Holarin Delta
5. Holarin Gamma
6. Holarin Prime (Flag World)
7. Holarin Lima
8. Holarin Zulu (Dead World)
9. Holarin Epsilon
10.Holarin Omega (Dead World)
11.Holarin Bravo (Dead World)
12.Holarin Sigma (Dead World)
13.Holarin Omikron (Dead World)
14.Holarin Lambda (Dead World)
15.Holarin Kappa (Dead World)
16.Holarin Iota (Dead World)


A suggestion: if the planet is populated, name it.
"Holaris" followed by a greek letter and/or a numeral (Holaris Primus/Prime or such) is good for one of the inhabited planet in the system. Unique names assigned to populated planets help building the sensation of looking at a "real" planetarian system.





The Holaris System was founded by a small Imperial force of around 3,000 looking for new planets to conquer in the name of the Emperor

Too few. Even with space, air and technological superiority 3000 soldiers are not enough to control an European-sized continet...conquering worlds is not an option with what is essentialy a small-sized single regiment of IG.


A new Imperial Guard force was created tasked with the service of protecting the small system of planets and if needed, they would be called to war to help protect the vast Imperium of Man

That's what the Planetarian Defence Forces do. Maybe you can create an intra-system joint command for the PDFs of the various populated worlds.



The force comprised of a group of officials from the home world of Terra chosen to create this new army of the Imperium. The army was trained for years before being sent into war for the first time

Officers from Holy Terra used to train newly recruited guardsmen/PDF troopers on a newly conquered system? Why not using the troopers that discovered the Holaris System instead? Terran-born officers are nobles...and nobles coming from the birthworld of Mankind are probably two hundred times more important than "normal" imperial nobles.
Surely it's a flattering honour being commanded by such important people...why the Holaris defence forces deserved such an honour? And where's Holaris, near Holy Terra?





They attacked several small Imperial outposts on the planet, stealing weapons, armour, and small starships

Imperial military-grade starships does not dock planetside. They're too big.



The force numbered as one of the largest forces of Imperial Guard ever amassed at one time

I suggest to tone down a bit this part


The force of farmers was also of a large size. The entire planet had turned to Chaos, a population of over 730 million people and those that did not renounce their faith were brutally slaughtered

You stated that the agri-world was sparsely populated. Now the chaos-turned population (after the slaughter of the Imperial loyalist) is of "large size"?



Half the population of Holarin Alpha chose to believe the words of the heretics and rebelled against the Holarin Guard and slaughtered every creature that was not worthy. Holarin Delta could not be convinced as the planet was too faithful in the Emperor that the heretics were slaughtered before even hearing their words

More detail, please. It's all too rushed.



They stole the dead worlds from the Imperial fleet and burnt the symbol of Nurgle throughout the 3 civilized worlds

Why the Imperial Navy was holding the dead worlds? Why there's no mention of naval engagements when you speak of traitors ammassing billions of troops around the system?


They destroyed the large gas planet of Holarin Kappa, burning the gas causing the planet to turn into a giant fireball. This caused the two ice planets around Holarin Kappa to become arid deserts, unlivable environs, that were far to hot for any man to set foot

This is scientifically unbelievable, even for GW standards.



Finally only the dead worlds had to be taken from the heretic fleet. But this served a problem as over half the Imperial Navy of Holaris had been taken by the heretics

The Imperial Navy presence in a planetarian system is usually neglegible, if present. Planets and systems does not "own" Imperial Navy fleets, just (if they're rich and technological advanced) defensive ships.



The first wars are noted as being one of the most lengthy and significant wars ever thought by the Imperial Guard and placed the Holarin guard 77 to be one of the most respected and powerful divisions of Imperial Guard

I suggest to tone down a bit this part


The planets of Holaris were rebuilt within a few short years due to many different divisions of Imperial guard helping to rebuild after the Holarin Guard 77 was proven to be one of the most faithful armies know to man

I suggest to tone down a bit this part

Firaxin
15-09-2009, 20:41
You spelled my name wrong.


the comment about being faithful, why is it so unbelieveable? who says anyone else is more faithful, its my own backstory so why cant they be extremely faithful after 8 thousand years of protection from the emperor? i think id be pretty grateful!
It hasn't been 8 thousand years. As you said a couple posts ago, the very first war you described lasted 10 months, and the system was rebuilt within a few short years, but the Holarin Guard were already proven to be the most faithful at that time.

Which is stupid.


the ships are just small planet to planet cargo ships which go around the system all the time, so its not completely noticed if one or two go missing here and there. it didnt mean they took a long time to figure it out, it just took them longer than to mount an attack.
You're missing the point. How could one go missing in the first place at all?