View Full Version : Child of the Emperor - W40k Parody - Part One

20-03-2005, 01:12
Child of the Emperor
A parody in the far, war torn future of the 41st Millennium

Fit the First

Marlus sat in his command chair, people busying themselves with driving the ship around him. The Obliviscaris cruised along with 5 others, accompanied by a dozen escorts. He looked around himself, proud of what he was commanding. Of course, being a captain, he should expect nothing less. Each crew member was trained to his, or hers he added after a female marine of the navy walked by, greatest ability. The sheer greatness of the ship needed a five person team, sat in chairs in front of Marlus, to make sure the ship is going the right way. Matthew, the head of the team, turned to Marlus.
‘My Lord,’ He addressed Marlus. ‘The Battle Barge Obliviscaris is on its course to Istvaan III. We shall be there, to confront the heretic Horus, in 48 Hours.’

It was the 31st millennium; Marlus and much of the crew were Space Marines. Each ship belonged to the Emperor’s Children chapter, the chapter the Marines belonged to, and they were on their way to Isstvan III, to try and convince Horus, a self announced traitor of the Holy Emperor of Mankind, to give himself in. The Obliviscaris is a Battle Barge, as were the other five, a behemoth of a space-ship. The escorts were Strike Cruisers and, although smaller than the Battle Barges, were metal monstrosities themselves. Each Cruiser was over a mile in length, and each Battle Barge was at least twice that.

‘Urgh. Why does Warp travel take SO long?’ Marlus complained. He restlessly prodded some buttons on the control panel one the arm of his command chair. A foot rest rose out off a hole in the floor which Marlus put his power armoured feet on. He toyed with a joystick on the control panel. He looked up to his bodyguard and tapped one on the shoulder.
‘How about a game of limbless reptiles and ladders?’
The Marine thought.
‘Didn’t Memustithia lose the dice?’
‘Oh, yeah.’
Marlus leaned on his elbow.
‘How about a vid-pic recording?’ The Marine suggested.
‘Good idea!’ Marlus called for a tech-priest to activate the vid-pic projector. ‘Which one?’
‘“Imperial History for Dummies?”’
‘Good choice.’ He nodded at the tech-priest, who began his work.
He invoked the prayers of the Machine God, entered the activation code and offered sacrifices to Omnissiah.
After half an hour of watching the man kow-tow, input data into the vid-pic projecter and sometimes kicking and cursing at it, Marlus pushed him aside and inserted the vid-pic bar into the projector and pressed “Play”.
The screen flickered into light and a sudden fan fare played. In spidery, gothic letters, it said “Imperial History for dummies”. In the lower right hand corner it said “© 29M”.
The screen faded out, to reveal a Space Marine. Although the footage was in black and white, and black dots and scratches flickered across the screen, a large “U” on a shoulder plate revealed that he was of the Ultramarine chapter.
‘Pretty boy,’ Marlus mumbled, disgusted. It was in fact that the choice of the presenter for this educational video had been between a marine of the Emperor’s Children chapter and the marine on the screen but the ultramarine had won in the end.
‘Hi, I’m Gilmore McEarvin. You may have seen me in “Bolters – The Key to Victory” and “The Mechanicus Cult – Why we need those computer geeks, anyway?”.’
Several marines booed at the screen.
McEarvin started walking down a corridor, paintings of various events in history hanging behind him.
‘I’m here today to teach you about the glorious history of the Imperium and the most holy Emperor!
As you all know, the Emperor is the leader of mankind. He is the most physically and psychically strong being in the universe, and is practically worshipped as a god.
The Imperium is the vast area of space which Mankind owns, fighting heroically off the many, but weak, alien races who look at our territory with greed and jealousy.’
He stopped beside a poorly made dummy-replica of an Ork, a green skined and heavily muscled creature.
‘Of course, our answer to that is we make them eat .75 calibre bolts with diamantine core tips, depleted deuterium core and mass reactive detonators!’
He shot the “Ork” with his bolt pistol, sending feathers all over the room. McEarvin spat a few out. He carried on walking down the corridor, a couple of feathers still on his armour.
‘The early history of mankind is masked in mystery and any time before the dark age of technology is practically unknown. So we now go on to the mighty Warriors of the Imperium, the Adeptus Astartes! Also know as the Space Marines!’
He walked under a large painting of a Space Marine surrounded by Orks. It looks like he’s winning.
‘The Emperor first started this, one of the Emperor’s most incredible achievements, the creation of the Primarchs, Super-Men, with impossible strength and great cunning. The Emperor spent many years in the creation of these, changing genetic information to create them. Each one is a legend in himself. Not only are they extraordinary strong and smart but they can use powers of the Warp, a sub-corporal space where the souls of animals and plants are drawn into, to change the space around them.
‘From their genetic material he was able to create the organs and glands which are needed to make the heroic space marines. They can go with out sleep for weeks, eat parts of their enemies to get their memories and even spit acid!
‘The Primarchs and their Space Marine legions still fight to this day, fighting for the glory of the Emperor!’
McEarvin had by now walked up to some blinds over a window. When he opened them, there was a battle going on outside. It was poorly done CGI.
‘And for now, my young companions, I must go and fight the enemies of the Emperor and Mankind. Go and watch my next vid-pict, “Eldar – the pointy-eared snobs of the universe”!’
And with that he jumps out the window, breaking some pieces off the wall, shouting commands at the “battle”.
The screens turns to blank with “Filmed at Terra and on location. Made for the schools of the universe. Don’t do combat drugs.” written in the same gothic font as at the beginning.
As Marlus selected another pic-vid disk, he wondered what was happening at Istvaan III, at the moment...

20-03-2005, 01:12
Second part...

“Pretty, pretty please?’ Horus begged, kneeling with the palms of his hands placed together. ‘Join me with the Chaos Gods?’
‘For the last time, Brother, no!’ answered Fulgrim, angry. ‘We’re going to go back to Terra and you’re going to apolgise to Father.’
Horus stood up, crossed his arms, which is very hard to do in Terminator Armour, and pouted.
‘No.’ he said, sulkily. ‘Don’t wanna, not gonna.’
‘Look, I know you and Father have had problems lately, put it’s nothing a bit of timeshare can’t solve and think of what this is doing to poor Alpharius.’ He pointed towards the only other Space Marine in the room, Alpharius who was waiting for Horus to resume the game of Risk they were playing. He was sucking a lollypop.
‘This isn’t the best example for him.’ Fulgrim pointed out. Horus looked down, crest fallen.
‘I don’t want to go back. Rogal is his favourite and he pays more attention to Roboute than me...’ Horus broke out crying.
‘Oh, there, there.’ Fulgrim comforted Horus, patting him on the back. ‘Let it all out. I’ll talk to Father about this, and I’ll make sure he knows.’
Alpharius looked up at them.
‘So are we going back, Uncle Horus?’ He asked.
Horus sniffed.
‘Yeah, I guess so...’

Khorne stared at the room from the Warp. The Chaos god of war turned towards Nurgle, the Chaos god of pestilence. ‘WHAT IN THE NAMES OF HELL IS HAPPENING?’ He bellowed. Being a god of War, he was naturally loud, angry and bemused. His form in the Warp was that of a Brooding King, sitting on a throne of skulls, a board sword in his hands.
‘I’m am not sure, Khorne...’ Nurgle turned his form towards the portal which was allowing sight into the real world. Since he was a god of pestilence his current from was an E. Coli bacterium. ‘He is caving in!’
‘What’s *********** happening, brothers?’ Hissed Slaneesh, the Chaos god of pleasure. He was basically the Chaos god of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll so had taken the form of a rock star, wasted from drugs. ‘What the **** is it?’
‘We did.’ Nurgle said, turning to Slanesh and giving him as much as a glare that E. Coli can.
‘Alright, I’m *********** sorry- Oh, ****, I said ****- ****!’
Khorne and Nurgle moved away from Slaneesh, or as much as you could in a place which technically had no space, and went to find Tzeentch.
‘Oh, hello!’ Tzeentch said, when he saw them. He was the Chaos god of Change and to represent this, his form merged and changed with other ones. In the conversation his form changed from a burning tree, a talking snake and a bucket and spade set.
‘HORUS IS GIVING UP!’ Khorne said.
‘He has just started crying and agreed to go back to Terra with that Fulgrim.’ Nurgle said grimly. He had now change his form to a Streptococcus.
‘Nothing is hopeless. Just take Fulgrim, and Horus shall fall next.’
With the new found information they went back to the portal. Slaneesh was still swearing violently.
‘Which of us would Fulgrim fall to?’ He asked. ‘He’s too clean for me...’
‘AND HE IS TOO PEACE-LOVING FOR ME!’ Khorne declared, thrusting his sword into the air.
‘Don’t do that.’
‘It makes you look like a idiot.’
‘Not much difference, then... he, he he.’ Said Tzeentch, his voice echoing.
Nurgle and Khorne turned towards Tzeentch. He took the form of something with an eyebrow and raised it.
‘I’ve already done Magnus.’
They all turned towards the convulsing Slaneesh.
‘No, but let’s try anyway.’

Fulgrim sat in Horus’ room. It was ok... if you ignored the horrid décor, the clashing colours and the Chaos Symbols. The symbols didn’t bother Fulgrim much, but red with black and grey? Ugh.
‘Is any-***********-one there?’ Asked a voice.
‘Who is that?’
‘****... I’m... umm.... ****... ah, your conscience!’ Slaneesh said, triumphal.
‘I thought it wouldn’t swear so much... and is that Black Sabbath in the background?’

‘IT’S LOOKING GOOD!’ Said Khorne.

‘Lord Marlus, we are nearly there.’ A Navy Officer confirmed .

‘Argh, they’ll ruin everything! Do something, Tzeentch!’
Tzeentch sighed.
‘Do this, Tzeentch, do that...’ Said the Bucket and Spade, as it changed and disappeared.

In the Warp, clouds appeared and formed sinister shapes.
An officer looked at a screen and saw the form of the cloud which was going to encircle the fleet.
‘Argh!’ He screamed and ran towards the door. The Space Marine in there grabbed him and head butted him.
‘Make evasive procedures!’ The Power-armoured giant demanded.
All the ships had seen it, but panic struck Obliviscaris and was slow to make action.
Marlus stood up from his seat, staring into the screen.
‘This can’t be good.’ He said, shaking his head.
Much of the normal human crew had fled for the escape pods in terror. Many of them had got away before the massive cloud, shaped like a rubber duck, had swallowed the Obliviscaris and half a dozen escorts.

‘Don’t do that, either.’
Tzeentch reappeared, haven taken the same shape as the cloud and watched Slaneesh corrupt Fulgrim.

23-04-2005, 09:01
ROTFL!!!! Great work.Write more! please? *insert excessive punctuation here*

25-04-2005, 04:48

29-05-2005, 17:45
sceond one is better.. rofl

Yin - Yang
30-05-2005, 22:24
Rofl! Very, very, very funny. Especially the Chaos Gods, they were some of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Can't wait for the next part, and keep up the good work!