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FrankieKhainor
11-07-2010, 21:00
Hi, I thought I could make some sort of story about the eldar fighting guard, since the scenes in path of the warrior are so epic. It'll be from both the eldar and guard point of view. Guard will be in this font(fixedsys)

eldar will be in this font(verdana)

Grane ran along the trench, lugging the assault cannon stolen from a destroyed land raider. It whirred and spat as he sprayed fire into the group of eldar guardians climbing nimbly into the trench.
"Die! Xenos scum!"
Soon enough, the guardians were reduced to sprays of blood. Grane was quickly followed by the remainder of his platoon - 18 men holding lasguns, 6 men in pairs with autocannon slung across their backs, a man with a vox-pack and aerial on his back, and Commissar Malin. They were the 3rd platoon of the Vitrian dragoons 12th company, all wearing armour of non-reflective beads, which was currently in stealth mode, concealing them from the eagle eyes of the eldar.

"Commissar! I'm picking up a message from the commanders on the vox sir! They say we must advance to the xeno constructions!But we must not destroy it! We need to take it from the xenos!", Shouted the vox-operator.
"What eldar construction?" The commissar barked.
"That one, sir." Said Nain, pointing at a huge wraithbone construct that was camouflaged in blue against the sky. It was a huge arch with a glowing blue light revolving in the centre, surrounded with smaller versions of it and other buildings, all with the blue light. But, there were no eldar warriors there. It looked deserted.

"Up and over, boys!" The commissar called, gesturing with his power glove to the trench wall. The platoon climbed up, to find themselves next to an eldar construct that was turning towards them.
"A Weapon Platform! Grane, destroy it!" The commissar commanded urgently.
Grane obliged, firing a quick burst onto the charging eldar d-cannon. It flew apart in fragments of wraithbone.

They advanced on towards the base, Grane spewing bullets at any weapon platforms. Eventually they arrived at a camouflaged hide set up near the eldar constructs. There were two other platoons there, lying undiscovered, surrounding the base. The commissar talked with the two squad leaders in the hide, and they determined that a strategy of stealth would work better than running in, guns blazing.

The 3rd platoon were to make the first strikes. Grane, an immensely strong and tough soldier, who had a surprising affinity for stealth work, would sneak in with a select few and make some strikes against the smaller eldar buildings.

Grane shuffled forward, the assault cannon on the ground beside him. They were currently lying between two glowing portals, which pulsed and vibrated randomly. Grane, along with Regne, Morne and Dren, sprung up from the ground, the assault cannon whirring and firing at the portals, lasguns shooting at shining stones embedded in them. Meanwhile, three snipers who lay under eldar weapons platforms shot at any weapons that turned towards the warriors. This was where it all went wrong.

[FONT="Verdana"]Danayah, a warrior of the shrine of Death from Above, swooped down from above, dropping grenades from her leg - mounted grenade launchers onto the human troops below. They looked up, and noticed the squad of Swooping Hawks flying above them. The trooper with the heavy weapon turned it up towards them, sending a wedge of bullets speeding towards them. Whilst their attention was turned, a troop of Harlequins jumped from a nearby webway portal, flipping around and confusing the troops. A human cried out, “Backup! Backup!!!” On cue, masses more humans appeared from around the base, their armour suddenly reflective, blinding the sensitive eyes of the eldar.
[FONT]

Sorry about the Vinyaya for those who noticed, but I just had to. It's an awesome elf name and a really awesome eldar name. Even though these are 2 fictional worlds (probably) that are 38000 years apart. If you don't know what I'm talking about go and read the entire artemis fowl series

That's all I have so far, Constructive critiscism appreciated

Askil the Undecided
12-07-2010, 08:39
Rewrite this, and do it well. You have written something in which everything is transparently taken from Gaunt's Ghosts or Dawn of War.

Grane ran along the trench, lugging the assault cannon stolen from a destroyed land raider.
Assault cannons are not man portable. Land raiders are property of SM (by order of the Emperor himself) and are recovered by SM forces at great cost, looting a LR is a crime, (the sort a Commissar would shoot you for) twin linked weapons (like those on the LR) don't have individual firing mechanisms. (Or manually operable ones either at that.) It whirred and spat as he sprayed fire into the group of eldar guardians climbing nimbly into the trench. Climbing into a trench? Eldar? Jumping, somersaulting or elaborately flipping maybe.
"Die! Xenos scum!"
Soon enough, the guardians were reduced to sprays of blood. Grane was quickly followed by the remainder of his platoon - 18 men holding lasguns, 6 men in pairs with autocannon slung across their backs, Autocannons are carried by the team make it clearer. That's rather the point of having two guys operate a gun with a drum magazine, sharing the weight. a man with a vox-pack and aerial on his back, and Commissar Malin. They were the 3rd platoon of the Vitrian dragoons 12th company, Really? The Vitrians? You couldn't stretch imagination enough to not write about a Dan Abnett invention? all wearing armour of non-reflective beads, which was currently in stealth mode, Vitrian Glass Armour is made of tessalating shapes, (probably squares or rectangles) not beads and has no "stealth mode" (that's just how Gaunt describes it) it's just a non-reflective mode for night manuvers. (that partially compromises the suit's overall effectiveness as an armour by removing it's reflective benefits against lasers.) concealing them from the eagle eyes of the eldar. It would do nothing but make them a little less shiny.

"Commissar! I'm picking up a message from the commanders on the vox sir! They say we must advance to the xeno constructions!But we must not destroy it! We need to take it from the xenos!", Shouted the vox-operator.
"What eldar construction?" The commissar barked.
"That one, sir." Said Nain, pointing at a huge wraithbone construct that was camouflaged in blue against the sky. It was a huge arch with a glowing blue light revolving in the centre, surrounded with smaller versions of it and other buildings, all with the blue light. But, there were no eldar warriors there. It looked deserted.

"Up and over, boys!" The commissar called, gesturing with his power glove to the trench wall. The platoon climbed up, to find themselves next to an eldar construct that was turning towards them.
"A Weapon Platform! Grane, destroy it!" The commissar commanded urgently.
Grane obliged, firing a quick burst onto the charging eldar d-cannon. It flew apart in fragments of wraithbone. Assault cannons making steel hard plastic gun platforms explode with a "quick burst" eh? Not a chance. Also eldar weapon platforms are manned.

They advanced on towards the base, Grane spewing bullets at any weapon platforms. Eventually they arrived at a camouflaged hide set up near the eldar constructs. There were two other platoons there, lying undiscovered, surrounding the base. The commissar talked with the two squad leaders in the hide, and they determined that a strategy of stealth would work better than running in, guns blazing. Don't you think the running about shredding things with a minigun's bigger brother earlier this paragraph blew the "strategy of stealth" plan out of the water?


The 3rd platoon were to make the first strikes. Grane, an immensely strong and tough soldier, who had a surprising affinity for stealth work, Vitrians are wiry well toned chaps, not hulking Bragg/Mkolls who can carry assault cannons about and sneak around. They are also medium armoured assault troops not stealthers. would sneak in with a select few and make some strikes against the smaller eldar buildings. Eldar don't build bases anywher but in DOW

Grane shuffled forward, the assault cannon on the ground beside him. Seriously WTF? They were currently lying between two glowing portals, which pulsed and vibrated randomly. Admiral Ackbar has a phrase for what this "base" is, all too obviously. Why have these Eldar built so many hard-to-make portals so close together? It's absurdly obvious you based this on DOW. There's also the point that Eldar don't build bases. Grane, along with Regne, Morne and Dren, sprung up from the ground, the assault cannon whirring and firing at the portals, lasguns shooting at shining stones embedded in them. Meanwhile, three snipers who lay under eldar weapons platforms shot at any weapons that turned towards the warriors. A stealthy approach followed by opening fire on buildings (in the absence of the enemy) with anti-personnel weapons? That sounds much more effective than using those autocannons from earlier and far more stealthy. Also, snipers shooting at gun emplacments? Clever. This was where it all went wrong. I also have to disagree with this last Imperial line. It went wrong long before this.

Danayah, a warrior of the shrine of Death from Above, swooped down from above, dropping grenades from her leg - mounted grenade launchers onto the human troops below. They looked up, and noticed the squad of Swooping Hawks flying above them. The trooper with the heavy weapon turned it up towards them, sending a wedge of bullets speeding towards them. Whilst their attention was turned, a troop of Harlequins jumped from a nearby webway portal, flipping around and confusing the troops. A human cried out, “Backup! Backup!!!” On cue, masses more humans appeared from around the base, Eldar don't generally understand human languages. Some learn, mostly farseers, warlocks and harlequins, but they don't really see any more need to communicate with humans than the average human does with a rat or a tapeworm. their armour suddenly reflective, blinding the sensitive eyes of the eldar.
Eldar got over getting blinded by quick changes in light intensity while the creature that evolved into humans were mastering having eyes, they are sickeningly perfectly evolved beings.

That's all I have so far, Constructive critiscism appreciated[/QUOTE]

FrankieKhainor
12-07-2010, 16:26
Ok sorry... :(

I know it's a copy of gaunt's ghosts. But I read it and I can't think of anything else. And why can't I have the vitrian dragoons or a man carrying an assault cannon. The autocannon were slung over 3 of the mens backs, and the other three had laspistols, but it's too long winded to say that.
I know the eldar eyes are perfect, but the reflectiveness and the sunlight still blinded them. And the backup bit is just narrative. It's in 3rd person.
It went wrong because the eldar appeared duh.
Ok, he found the assault cannon on the ground. Where did bragg get it in First and Only?
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISCISM APPRECIATED. CONSTRUCTIVE

Idaan
12-07-2010, 17:09
I'd say that the visors in the more advanced races helmets would be anti-reflective, making them immune to flashbangs etc. I even think back in 2e the Eldar were just that, along with the Marines.

FrankieKhainor
12-07-2010, 17:38
Ok thanks Idaan. I was sort of making it up as I went along so I wasn't thinking about it, although now it's pretty obvious! I'll get rid of that and perhaps change some other stuff and then re-post

Raggydoll1979
13-07-2010, 12:17
Idaan - in second ed only the aspect warriors had anti reactive thingies on their helmets that were on par with space marines, and even those didn't completely guarantee they weren't dazzled.

The guardians (and imperial guard, marine scouts and squats) had some protection, and orks and chaos cultists had none.

FrankieKhainor - eldar players are extremely precious about having their favourite army's butt kicked, more so than marine players I think. Be warned that you will receive a lot of hate if you kill them off in droves in your fiction. Just ask any Eldar player's opinion on what C.S. Goto. Though to be fair there are a lot of 40k players who will pick you up on the slightest deviation to the background fluff, it is absolutely not acceptable to stray from the established background in any way whatsoever. Even then people's opinion on fluff varies wildly so I would just accept you won't please everybody and take the criticisms on the chin and concentrate on writing entertaining fiction!

Good luck!

P.S. while you quite clearly took some "inspiration" from other authors I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing for the novice writer, you probably should include some acknowledgement of this.

FrankieKhainor
13-07-2010, 15:00
The eldar won't die! They get dazzled, but they get a cover save! Sorry, straying from story mode. There are more guard, so they'll probably die off en masse, but they'll be replaced by some more guard since there are infinite numbers of them. I said it in my tau story thread too, I'm 12, so don't expect incredible stuff.

MOMUS
13-07-2010, 15:54
Nice start. Rather than have the guard stealthy, why not switch the focus onto the eldar? You could have the eldar constructs protected by warp spiders, the guard could think the buildings haunted due to the high number of scouts going missing.
Im thinking something along the lines of the scene in 'stargate' (film)when the goa'uld first turn up.

EDIT: Or just a lone warp spider exarch would be cool, prehaps seeking vengence for the death of his/her team?

FrankieKhainor
13-07-2010, 20:08
That sounds cool - the constructs aren't protected by the warp spiders, but they're in the woods nearby, and they phase in to defend. Unfortunately, all but the exarch gets assault cannoned, so she seeks revenge like you said!
Sorry - it looks guard based because I haven't written as much eldar stuff!

Iuris
13-07-2010, 21:22
Frankie, first - full points for effort. Your enthusiasm is commendable.

Unfortunately, your work leaves much to be desired. First, if you really must write a fan fic within a universe, it would really be advisable to learn much more about the universe first, before you start writing. Everyone can see you are very new to the background, so, how about first reading more actual GW works to gain a better understanding of the universe.

Second, you are a new writer, not a known name. People will take a quick look at your stories, and likely won't be back. A great writer can attract a reader and make him want more - but you're not there. So, if you write, avoid long term plans and so on - make the story a self contained whole. Keep the great reveals for much later.

In short: lots of work needs to be done first.

Askil the Undecided
13-07-2010, 21:53
Ok sorry... :(

I know it's a copy of gaunt's ghosts. But I read it and I can't think of anything else. And why can't I have the vitrian dragoons or a man carrying an assault cannon. The autocannon were slung over 3 of the mens backs, and the other three had laspistols, but it's too long winded to say that.
I know the eldar eyes are perfect, but the reflectiveness and the sunlight still blinded them. And the backup bit is just narrative. It's in 3rd person.
It went wrong because the eldar appeared duh.
Ok, he found the assault cannon on the ground. Where did bragg get it in First and Only?
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISCISM APPRECIATED. CONSTRUCTIVE


Exactly what part of mentioning the things that are outright wrong, flimsily written or poorly communicated isn't constructive?

It went wrong because you had wiry little men in crystal scalemail sneaking about carrying heavy weapons solo and waving around an assualt cannon, a weapon that only Bragg (who draws particular comment for doing so) has done before wit the exception of one current IG special character (Harker) and one defunct (the last chancer, Ox) doing similar, also the Vitrian arts of war make them light assault troops not stealth skimishers and finally snipers shooting at buildings and constructs is just stupid.

Why not come up with something original, make it based on something more authoritive that Dan Abnett and THQ's versions of 40k (possibly venture into what might be construed as your own version) and while having over the top or even sterotypical characters is fine. Ensure you make them characters, not just names with guns/skillsets.

Also my previous criticisms still apply.

I echo Iuris in his judgement. There's some serious work that needs to be done, but keep on trying.

FrankieKhainor
16-07-2010, 06:05
It isn't constructive. You're just telling me I'm wrong, not telling me what's right.

I can't be bothered to write any more, so I'll close the thread.