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FrankieKhainor
13-07-2010, 08:20
I can't find many novels about the tau anywhere, so I decided to write my own. Here's the start:

Shas’saal Bor’kan Or’es’ro (Fire warrior cadet, from Bor’kan, powerful-mind) ran into the Ork base, blasting some Gretchin that had spun round towards him. He gestured for the others to follow him.
“Advance!” He waved them forward with his pulse rifle. The shield drone hovering over his shoulder pulsed and a glowing blue bubble surrounded the squad. Why did it turn on? Thought Shas’ro, then he saw why.
A group of Orks holding huge machine guns had appeared from a hut, and were sliding and clicking the guns ostentatiously. Then, they opened fire. The rat-a-tatta of the bullets flying from the crude weapons was deafening, although Shas’ro had his helmet on, which filtered out the sound. Most of the bullets were stopped by the shield drone, creating ripples in the force field. Only one or two of the bullets that came in hit, but those were slowed by the field, and sluggishly hit the fire warriors, not even bruising them.
Suddenly, an Ork vehicle, cobbled together with parts from all races in the universe – there was even a railgun on top.
“Cover! They have a railgun!” Shas’ro shouted out, and the team scattered moments before the railgun blasted a powerful shot at the shield drone. It ignored the force field, and the drone exploded in a shower of sparks.
That’s our advantage gone… Shas’ro thought, sending a message to his team for them to move to into the formation of Mont’ka Kunas (The Agile killing blow), so they split up, each moving between the Ork constructions, destroying the crudely bolted on Ork weapons with blasts from their pulse rifles. They advanced on towards the main Ork base, blasting the groups of Orks with their powerful Pulse weapons before they knew they were there.
Something soared overhead, blue light streaking from it.
“Battlesuits!” Shas’ro shouted in relief, “Allow them to destroy the primary target – we will provide covering fire!”
The primary target was the Ork Warboss, a huge green-skinned creature that could no doubt withstand the shots from a pulse rifle and destroy fire warriors in combat instantly. This was why the Battlesuits had arrived.
They saw the Warboss, easily twice their height, and then he suddenly spun around with a scorched shoulder as a fusion blaster clipped him.

My standards are obviously nowhere near those of Dan Abnett etc, but I hope this bit's ok!

Thanks to this website for names etc:
Tau Glossary (http://www.minivault.com/Tauglossary.htm)

DoombringerATT
13-07-2010, 08:30
If you're looking for Tau reading, look no further than the ATT Card Catalog (http://www.advancedtautactica.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=12186).

In regard to your writing, you really need to keep practicing... It could benefit from more descriptive text and deeper dialogue, but there are some glaring canon errors in there too that, to be frank (no pun intended), can be resolved only if you actually read as much as you attempt to write...

For example, Shas'saal are just that; cadets. They would never see real combat outside their battle domes when training for the first seventeen tau'cyrs of their lives. Upon graduation from training, they are promoted to Shas'la - the first and lowest "fleet" rank - where they serve four tau'cyrs "on the line" before being eligible for the next rank; Shas'ui.

Like I said, you could benefit more from reading than writing at this point. Research, research, research, before writing on any topic.

deacon52
13-07-2010, 09:11
yep, keep trying youngblood.

read your other story(eldar/ig) to. your going to get harsh revues for a while. like "Doombringer" said you have to know your topic. so get researching.

i am looking forward to a better more factual(based on current fluff) story next time.

madd0ct0r
13-07-2010, 13:05
this is eerily familiar to the other piece of fic...

ok. ignoring fluff issues, and focusing purely on writing style.

too many adjectives and adverbs. Stephen king once claimed to never use any word for speech except 'said'.
'If you needed anything else,' he said, 'then you haven't set the scene properly.'

Think about the rhythm of the sentence, the order in which things will impact upon the listener, not the order in which you thought of them.
eg.

"The rat-a-tatta of the bullets flying from the crude weapons was deafening, although Shas’ro had his helmet on, which filtered out the sound"

is far too much exposition. how about:

"The noise of the crude weapons was deafening, and Shas'ro was grateful to his helmet filters."

or, better yet,

"The noise of the guns was deafening."

Does the reader need to know that the Tau helmets will automatically block loud noises?
Does it help the story in pacing, in flow or is it a distraction?



"They saw the Warboss, easily twice their height, and then he suddenly spun around with a scorched shoulder as a fusion blaster clipped him."

don't switch the target of a pronoun halfway through a sentence. It's confusing.
Likewise, although you are paragraphing, do a little research on how it interacts with dialogue. Too spaced out is better then not.

finally, clichés became clichés for a reason. They are fantastically useful and common constructions, but terrible in writing because they distract from the flow of the story. Avoid at all costs.
heh. irony.

there is also a story and art section on the forums.

FrankieKhainor
13-07-2010, 14:43
@doombringerATT: ah, but are they out in the field? It isn't finished yet
@madd0ct0r: yeah, I did think that bit sounded a bit long winded, and I agree with the thing about the warboss.

@everyone:I'm only 12(I hope I'm allowed to say that) so please don't think of me as stupid!

DoombringerATT
13-07-2010, 17:20
...

If they aren't out in the field, then you are implying the Orks have either successfully landed in invasion of Bork'an, or that this is all one big training exercise?

Either way, the presence of a Shas'saal is a signifier that something isn't right - watering down whatever surprises you have in store later...

SeaSwift
13-07-2010, 18:16
This thread should be here (http://www.warseer.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=19), I believe.

Otherwise, good work!

What is a powerful-mind?

FrankieKhainor
13-07-2010, 20:02
@Seaswift: OK, I'll move it once I find out how! The powerful mind is just a name - I found powerful and mind in tau, so I put them together. It means he's clever basically.

@DoombringerATT: All will be revealed when I get enough ideas to write some more.

deacon52
13-07-2010, 21:36
we dont think your stupid mate. keep it up. it shows good strength of character if you can take a knock and jump back up. im sure their has been plenty of successful writers who have received criticism.

i gathered you were young, didnt realize you were still at intermediate school. i was still writing about how i went to my granma's place when i was that age:). so you are leaps and bounds ahead of me.