View Full Version : The New Commissar

01-08-2010, 22:04
This is my first attempt at this - any feedback is appreciated.

Operation Gryphon: Day 5

Schwartz yelled diving behind a boulder himself, flames roared around the outcrop. The Sergeant had been in command for 3 days now, after a command bunker had been incinerated by some of the cultists foul magicks, cutting off all communication to the rest of the units, and leaving him in charge of the 150 new bloods out on the edge of nowhere.
The thirty men he had left poured fire at the advancing shapes which looked vaguely human, they retreated back into the mist, the Conscripts stopped firing. They may be a little wet behind the ears but if they can survive this they'll be as tough as me thought Schwartz as he saw them calmly going back to their duties, He was in the worst possible position a soldier could be, trapped without proper supplies, in hostile territory with no hopes of escape and no back up, to top it off they were out-manned out-gunned and out-classed. There were only two things stopping desertion:
1. There was nowhere to run
2. The Commissar

Commissar Rotheim was a living legend - veteran of the Tryde Wars, he single handedly stopped the Vermillion uprising, and Schwartzs only hope. He had been the only survivor of a failed attack into enemy territory, and was now injured, Schwartz entered the only tent in the camp and saw the commissar sitting at a table surveying a map.

'ah Schwartz, good - prepare the men'
'What for Sir?'
'To win this world of course'

Here Endeth The Chapter

Son of Sanguinius
02-08-2010, 01:23
Interesting situation you've described. :) The writing itself needs a thorough working over. The lack of proper punctuation and slightly awkward spacing make it more difficult to read, which is a hindrance to keeping readers.

Brother Alexos
02-08-2010, 02:55
This bit right here could be alot longer. I think you should try and flesh out a few details, such as where they are, who they're fighting, and what they're defending. You do list them here, but you do so in an already-fact kind of manner. You need to explain what's going on, and what the basis of the story is.

That, and the tidbit on Rotheim in the tent should be revised as well. It feels as if the sergeant simply teleported himself to a week earlier and is just starting the work on the camp's defenses.

Try and start with the commissar. When I read the title, I imagined an Imperial Gaurd regiment that just made landfall, they are still erecting tents, and a commissare comes in to the picture via a Bulk-Lander that was bringing supplies to the Guard. Your story centers around the sergeant Schwartz a little too much. Try and take this in from a Trooper's perspective. This will actually show how the commissar affect's the fighting formation as a whole, instead of just being a small, unspecial part of the story.

That's just some constructive critisism.

One last thing, Chapters are longer.

02-08-2010, 13:01
Thanks for the feedback guys. I'll Try to improve, but while i'm here

Cadet Van Drake

'Cadet Van Drake to the administrators office'
The Academy was a queer place, unlike others stationed at strategic points throughout the Imperium it was on a backwater planet in the middle of nowhere.

The reasoning behind this was unfathomable, and although every generation suggested moving location no one had the heart to move. It had stood in the same place for over 3 centuries, and like other institutes of that age had 'a rich and intriguing history' - whatever that meant but quite frankly nowhere else was better, the small allotment of space they had to cover contained no places of religious interest, no shipping or trading ports and no real interesting places at all, this contributed to the reason they only had 9 students, and why no one ever used the vox speaker system unless it was an emergency.

This was why a tall gangly 17 year old was practically sprinting through antiquated halls filled with portraits and the like, until roughly five minutes after he was called, he arrived panting like a groxhound.
He walked smartly into the office, successfully hiding his shortness of breath.

Lesson 1:NEVER SHOW FEAR - appearances are everything when you are commissar! Crap yourself as many times as you want - just don't show the men your underwear after.

The office itself was what you would expect when you think of a study, wall to wall leather bound books, posh red carpets and a comfy chair behind an oak desk.
The Administrator himself was sat behind the desk with a file in front of him, he was an old army type, straight to business.

'Van Drake, this is an unusual circumstance I must say, your a bit young for this I must say but well congratulations are in order, commissar'

In his head Van Drake was absolutely amazed - this was breaking at least 17 protocols what could possibly have caused him to do this?

'However I am afraid I have some bad news also - you heard your mentor was involved in Operation Gryphon?'

'Yes Sir'

'you are aware how the operation ended?'

'The world was reclaimed in less than a week sir'

'indeed thanks to Commissar Rotheim and his Glacier Hunters, as they've become nicknamed the enemy warlord died, causing his forces to turn on each other. But i have just received word from his vessel that he died of his wounds - '

Van Drake was in shock, he always assumed that Rotheim would outlive the emperor himself. Yet outwardly his expression remained unchanged.

Lesson 2: Never Assume, everything goes down hill afterwards.

' - however his final wish was for you to take his position, and in light of him being one of the greatest leaders and commissars of all time, well, congratulations!'

A week later Commissar Van Drake, stepped out of a transport ship to be greeted by the first glacial hunter he would ever meet.

'Commissar!' Schwartz saluted in true parade ground fashion

'Sergeant' Van Drake nodded

'I thought I was being met by the entire command structure'

Lesson 7: Never ask questions - if people think you know everything they're less likely to shoot you in the back

'You are sir!'

'Well, looks like we have some work to do then.'

And most importantly - take everything in your stride, don't let anything phase you and nothing will phase your command either

What have I got myself into?