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AD YEAH
19-09-2010, 07:41
This story i wrote when i was bored and needed something to do instead of study and school work. My mates thought it alright, can you guys read it for me please (:
Copyright yeah (:
can you guys please read this and give me feedback
really really need it
Do read on ;)




Chapter 1
331961.M41
1450 -1520 hours, Cadia time
location: Phenosan airspace


The orbital artillery pounded away at the surface…
Force recon guardsmen grav-dropped onto the surface, right into the fight of their lives…
The main body of the landing crafts entered the atmosphere…
As hell broke loss around them…


THE IMPERIAL LANDING CRAFT KNOWN AS ‘CELTIC 5’ THUNDERED SLOWLY THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE of Phenosa. From above the clouds, the ground was a blur, except for the explosions erupting on the surface.
The large Mars pattern landing craft fired its anti-air guns into the sky, shooting down aerial threats that flew towards the Celtc, its sounds echoing within the ship, A ratat sound blasting loudly within the lower hanger bay.
The larger engines sparked, the thick admantium metal, dented and blistered, scratch marks and holes lined the irregular top, all over the high command bridge and the area around it, its naval cannons visibly, destroyed and burning, visibility from the bridge began disintegrating. The external communications with the rest of the naval fleet…Destroyed, a small gashing hole left at the Eastern end of the Bridge, Void shields…Completely Destroyed.
Valkyrie and Vendetta gunships shot past the Celtic 5 as large, blue acidic bolts fired away at them as they passed, the shots blasting two, sending them crashing and burning. The Valkyries stormed off towards sector Omega 3, where third battalion was being utterly whipped out.
The landing craft began to descend towards the ground, slowly.
“80 seconds” Shouted one of the pilots into the internal vox system,
The 2000 or so men seated in the hanger bay, prepared themselves for the worst, they checked there ammunition and began securing there flak armor. Others ate some of there rations whilst others smoked, trying to relax themselves. The three tank squadrons, each vehicle bolted down with heavy iron mechanical beams that held them in position until after landing. There crews sitting in their vehicles ready to go, its tank commanders discussing plans with each other over the Vox system.

2ND LIEUTENANT COLONEL BLACKSIRE SAT IN HIS SEAT FIDDLING WITH HIS BOLT PISTOL, AS HE heard the announcement, he rose to his feet and began giving orders, using the Vox system across all channels.
“Alpha Company, out first, group up, spread out and keep moving. Beta take the left flank, Charlie take right. Dog and echo companies, covering fire as soon as you guys get out. Heavy weapon units follow Alpha and set up taking major threats. 2nd battalion will be following Dog and echo, watch for friendly’s, over”
The Company captains replied and issued orders to the platoon lieutenants who then replied to them and began giving basic orders to the infantry squads under there command.

The men looked at each other, some were scared, others more nervous and the trigger-happy veterans were excited in a way, rather, wanting to see combat again.
“90 seconds!”
JULIAN LOOKED AROUND THE HUGE HANGER BAY, IT REEKED OF MAN STENCH AND OF VOMIT OF his nervous comrades. Everyone in the room was of the same race, all Cadians.
Some of them, the finest ever produced. Some were natural leaders, others the greatest snipers and others great soldiers. Others were the complete opposite and would et a lot of men killed. In the same regimental division, Julian had four brothers scattered throughout the large ship, it was impossible for him to find anyone besides the men in his company sitting next to him.
“Jul’s, you ready” asked his best mate Carl Kentucky.
“As ready as I’ll ever be” he replied nervously,
His hands were twitching away; he reached for his canteen and began sipping his water, his hands shaking continuously as he brought the canteen to his mouth. He breathed in and out heavily, his heart raced, his mind began to set.
His unit name raced through his head, ‘squad 703, 1st platoon, Charlie Company, 1st battalion, 501st Cadian death storm regiment.

“60 seconds” shouted the pilot
Julian looked to his left at the men seated around him; he looked right at the armored vehicles lined up on the far left end, the most devastating battle tanks he had ever seen.
He closed his eyes, breathing more and more, his heart racing like a steam train.
Suddenly…
BANG!
He opened his eyes as a siren sounded and the room suddenly flashed red.

THE MEN LOOKED AROUND, BLACKSIRE STOOD UP, HE BEGAN TO SMELL THE SCORCHED METAL, HE KNEW HOW…
The void shields began to shut down.
“What’s going on?” Shouted Blacksire into the vox caster next to him,
“Bio breach, bogies causing heavy damage, winged warrior’s incoming!” Shouted the reply from the bridge, everyone began to brace themselves, check there fire arms and prepare for an early fight.
Parts of the huge landing craft began smoking; technical systems had mechanical breakdowns causing haywire. Lascannons on the sides of the craft began to fire away, the sound echoed loudly, then the sound of flak fire from the large autocannon shots filled and lighted the sky, the shots hitting the flying targets in the sky.

All hell began to break loose; the men weren’t exactly ready to die. Most of them hadn’t seen combat yet, smoke began to leak into the hanger, transmissions filled the hanger from the bridge. The pilots and the crew began quickly, discussing about the damage, done to the Celtic 5’s armor, while others began to panic, slowly demolishing the moral of the infantry who could hear most of the discussions.
“We got to pull up” shouted one of the pilots
“I’m trying, system malfunction” shouted another
“Void shields are gone!” Shouted a shield officer
Then more voices shouted over the intercom about more systems going down, an engine at the rear shorting out. Then as the landing craft shook, someone shouted about the nose being hit, something had gotten inside…
The landing craft, approximately 800 metres in the air, with 20 seconds left in its decent, began to rise again; the heavy, damaged ship began to pick up speed, heading for the largest amount of free, open land provided.

FROM WITHIN THE HANGER, JULIAN KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, SO DID EVERYONE ELSE ESPECIALLY HIS BROTHER JACKSON. Jackson was an elite guardsmen; he had seen close arms combat against traitors on numerous operations. He had his trusty sniper rifle with him, always and caused catastrophic damage to his enemies moral. He is also the most accurate man in his unit, even with a lasgun.
“Jackson, you alright mate?” shouted his Sergeant John Miller over the sounds of gunfire and the echoing talk of the other men.
“I’m good, sir, Adrian’s not looking to good sir, looks a bit sick” he replied in a yell
“I think Tom, and Rieben are looking wheezy to, Tom better take that vox headset off” said Miller
“Reaching new destination in 6 minutes, 20 clicks from objective, we’re at 10000ft and ready, will be 50 second warning, be ready,” Said a voice over the intercom
Jackson looked at John Miller who had his helmet in his lap, rubbing his short brown hair
“This is freaking wonderful” he muttered to himself
“Sir, the 119th doesn’t even have control of dog 1 and Zebra 5, what did you expect” Said Evans, a man transferred from intelligence.
“I know, I know, we’re easily expandable men, that doesn’t mean we have to land in the most our right dangerous sector on the entire planet” Said Miller
“That’s not actually correct sir, the 168th was destroyed 3 hours ago 4000 clicks from omega 3, the 730th Cadian strike force is scattered on the other side of the planet, the 101st Elysian unit is at 20% strength and the rest of regiment has touched down in other sectors. Also, the 810th went AWOL; no one knows were they’ve gone or what they’re going to do.”
“Sir, just relax, we’ll be fine, pray that the emperor will be with us on hell, and that the humans here will help us” said Jackson as he breathed heavily pulling a chain to his lips from around his neck, kissing his dog tags.

14 ROWS BEHIND JULIAN, AND 13 ROWS AHEAD OF JACKSON, LORENZO SAT IN HIS CHAIR staring at the lights in the shaky ceiling, his sergeant slept two seats down, the men around him either sat quietly or tried to occupy themselves as explosions were going off outside. Lorenzo was the most obedient and one of the most obnoxious men in 2nd platoon, Delta Company, 1st division. He and his brothers Julian, Jackson, Maximum and Lucky were completely different in so many ways, his younger brothers Lucky and Maximum worked in different sections of Alpha company reconnaissance, whilst his older brother Julian worked in Charlie and his eldest brother Jackson worked in Delta.
Lorenzo hated being split up from his brothers, his mind still wondering into his past 4 years ago when he joined the force.
He regretted it greatly, he knew he wasn’t going to be going home again, it was the life of a guardsman, to serve the emperor and to die in the field of battle. Lorenzo didn’t have many mates in his unit, just two guys, Andrew and Luis, the only two guys he knew well.
Lorenzo breathed in lightly, his heart beated calmly when…
A terrifying roar echoed in the hanger, as explosions rung out in a large corridor near by. It was loud, painful, the sound of screaming guardsmen became clear. Lasguns began firing away within the transports, the crew began trying to hold off the invader.
Everything suddenly went to crap.

THE REGIMENTAL COMMAND SECTION SAT READY FOR THE LANDING AS THEY WENT OVER THE ORDERS written on thin paper as an announcement boomed over the hangers vox system.
“Infestation, lower levels” shouted the comm’s officer over the intercom
“Crap” shouted 2nd lieutenant Blaksire, drawing his bolt pistol, getting his command unit to their feet.
A huge, blue biological blast hit the far wall of the hanger, skimming the top of one of the tanks, leaving a man size hole in the wall. The metal melted away, leaving a visible hole on the outside, air suddenly rushing of the hanger.
“Holy Crap!” Shouted Julian, as he turned and looked towards the rear.
Another shot was fired, hitting a whole bunch of men, the blast turning them to a mush on the floor, sending others to the ground.
“Warrior!” shouted a guardsman
The men around began to rise to their feet and began panicking. They began drawing their lasguns and the ones close enough began to fire, their shots tickling the creature as the shots bounced off its muscular carapace armor. The winged warrior fired again, blasting a compact power generator, causing the hanger to jitter and shake. Smoke began to fill the hanger as the power generator suddenly erupted with sparks. The white lighting began to flicker constantly as more explosions began to erupt.
The men around the tyranid were quickly and swiftly cut apart by it as it violently lashed out at the men. Its huge skeletal sword like arms cut through the men like a knife cutting through an orange, or like a disk breaking in half. One lieutenant bravely charged at it, his two handed power sword drawn, he sidestepped to the left as the tyranid swung its huge alien arm towards him like a wrecking ball, before he drove his chainsword into the body. The tyranid roared ferociously as it grabbed the man and through him into the side of a leman Russ. His body instantly breaking on impact as his body fell backwars against the mighty armor. Everything began to go wrong in seconds.

IN THE COMMAND BRIDGE, THE CELTIC 5’S ADMIRAL, MAXICUS LESLIE BARKED orders to the many crew men in the command bridge as systems began to shutdown. He turned over to one of the screens that communicated with the engine rooms. Inside the screen, the image of a gutted officer slumped over his station as blood lushed out of him, a huge slash mark across the systems in the background, covered in a mess of blood.
“There in the engine room, shut down all blast doors in the engine room, activate all internal defense systems, to shoot at all none humans.” Shouted Leslie
“Sir, auto defense systems not commuting” shouted Corporal Gilmore as he actively pushed numerous buttons.
“what about the guardsmen down there!” He shouted as he tried to work out the next order
“none responsive” Shouted another man
Then Suddenly the Celtic 5 began to shake as something exploded against the bridge, sending the standing men onto their knees, ofrcing them to grab onto something.
Leslie looked around at the men on the ground, then suddenly, there was a tremendous high pitched roar from out in the corridor, men jumped at the sudden freight as the screams of dying men suddenly echoed loudly.
“Check the manned weapon systems outside, make sure there still operational and taking down aerial threats” Shouted Leslie
“Sir, they’re low on ammunition on the left side and the right side just shut down” replied operator Henderson as he began to communicate with weapons command.
“Call up here our elite guard now” Shouted Leslie as he heard another explosion go off near by.
“Tyranids heading towards the bridge” Shouted a voice over the vox caster
“Shut those blast doors” Ordered Leslie, shouting at the top of his lungs, realizing this was going to be it, he drew his bolt pistol and grabbed 3 men to their feet, as they drew there lasguns and pointed them towards the big, metal closing doors.
The doors sealed shut as steam hissed out of the bottom as thumps suddenly echoed towards them.
“Captain Iram, get your forces out of this sector, repeat, we’re going down, over” Shouted Leslie into a vox caster headset.
“Copy, we’ve landed in gamma4, admiral Dover’s ship went down, we’re moving towards hive auxiliary.
“Copy, we’re going down, if we survive, the infantry will head your way, over and out” Shouted Leslie as he threw down the headset and watched as the pilots gained altitude.
BOOM!
Suddenly, the blast doors began to be cut open. A Claw like arm, poked a oval like hole right through, the metal began to melt as the acidic substance on the creature melted away the metal, causing the doors to destabilize. Few of the men fired at the arm as it appeared deeper and deeper inside.
“Sir, we’re going to lose everything” Shouted Baliox
“No we’re not” replied Leslie as he turned to the scared pilot
“600 crew, 2000 guardsmen and a 250 metre transport ship, sir, we weren’t meant to be out here! We’re going down” Shouted the scared man
Leslie realized that the man was right, everything had gone to gak and the spread out crew had been massacred in every department of the transport. Engines were failing, battles raging below, alien assassinations of the crew and worse of all, they had reached the bridge.
“Open fire” Shouted Leslie, his last and final order of the Celtic 5, as suddenly, the once thought ‘impenetrable’ blast doors were suddenly blown open as a tyranid warrior rushed out at the men.
“Incoming!” Shouted a pilot
“Brace yourselves” Shouted Gilmore into the ships vox system as he saw the radar flash with a medium sized dot on its screen.
Leslie quickly spun around to see what was happening, and as he did so, he saw the huge alien flying right towards the bridge. He saw its black hideous eyes, the sharp jiggered teeth and the wings the width of the bridge. It flew towards them… like a Kamikaze pilot…aimed at the bridge.


BLACKSIRE COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT WAS HAPPENING, HE MOVED QUICKLY TO THE INTERCOM. He pushed a black button and a 2D image of the Celtic 5 flashed open on the screen. It showed the Celtic 5’s damage status, with each different section of the ship a different colour. The engine rooms at the rear of the ship flashed a orange, the middle section flashed red and suddenly, so did the nose cone at the front of the ship. Then quickly, the bridge, shown by a mid height tower near the middle of the ship, suddenly flashed a dark red, blinking away, before it suddenly stopped.

The bridge was destroyed.
Other sections began to flash different colours as more heavy alien surface fire hit the ship as it slowly angled towards the planet.
The huge tyranid warrior in the hanger sliced apart a Leman russ battle tank’s turret, decapitating the commander inside, its ammunition exploding, but only tickling the Tyranid, as its rage grew even more. The infantry began to panic, and scatter to all ends of the hanger, as others tried to shoot at it with their pea shooter like lasguns. Blacksire moved towards the huge alien, he drew his plasma pistol and took aim.
He breathed in
Breathed out, and fired his plasma pistol, a blue gooey shot flew out over the madness. It hit the tyranid in the chest, melting away flesh and bits of bone and organic material. The Tyranid looked his way, roared a screeching, high pitched sound on a savage note, it slashed its claws towards Blacksire and his remaining regimental command unit.
Blacksire took a few steps backwards, but his reflexes weren’t up to standard. The huge claws impacted across Blacksires chest, only slightly cutting the flesh behind it. The toxic bacteria suddenly entering his system. There was a huge cut left across the commander’s carapace armor as put of his shirt underneath soaked up blood.
The impact through him viciously to the ground, as it turned its attension to the men around it.
Blacksire looked at the ugly tyranid, he pulled up his plasma pistol again and just as he pulled the trigger, a humongous explosion erupted shaking what remained of the Celtic 5. Blacksires shot spun upwards colliding with the solid metal hanger ceiling.

From approximately 200 feet in the air, the craft began to tragically come apart. It was a tremendous sight to witness as the it broke apart. But from within the it, it was horrifying, the crew were blown away and instantly killed as shards of metal ripped into them. The Celtic 5 began to be ripped in half. Literally. Cut and torn like a piece of cardboard. Parts of the ship fell away, weapons broke off, joints and entire floors began to collapse instantly.
Julian was thrown to the ground, pinned still, his brothers scared out of their pants. As for the Tyranids on board that survived, they began to make their ways out, looking for exits and holes.
The rear half of the ship completely broke away and suddenly fell away from front. It twisted and turned as the heavy piece of metal began to drop dramatically, little figures thrown out of it into the sky. The front half was in flight for a few seconds before it turned and dived towards the surface on a diagonal slope. Flames burst out of nearly every compartment. Entire sections burst away from the ship instantly following the burning trail.
Julian prayed to himself, asking for mercy from the emperor, he knew it was over. He closed his eyes, tightening them as much as possible. He prayed for a last few seconds and finally…
BOOOM!
Everything went dark; his mind went blank as the celtic 5 slid across the ground, imprinting itself along the surface. It began to spin a little onto its side, leaving a trail of wreckage.
It was dark inside the hanger.
What remained was a mess as dust began to float in and cover everything.
Dead littered everywhere, the wounded crushed; the living began to stumbled to their feet.
Third of the regiment shattered in moments.





Thanks for reading, hope you liked it, if you didnt im sorry....
feed back please
Written by Adrian S, Nsw, Australia

Kravunhive
19-09-2010, 20:35
Its good, but it could do with a bit of tweaking. I'll try to give you some pointers...

Firstly, when I write a story of the top of my head I'm pretty much laying the basic idea down, I go away and come back to it later, adding and changing things as I see fit. Editing is a good way of crafting your story especially the characters.

Secondly I would have liked a bit more description of Celtic 5 in terms of its size and interior etc, scale is everything when your describing the amounts of men involved in this story. Maybe it is clear and I'm being stupid.

Third, Names. Names are everything in 40k. They can usually tell us something about the character from the start. I thought yours were too 20th Century/Saving Private Ryan, they need to change, if only for credability.

I love the idea though, this massive drop ship en route being attacked by Tyranids, brilliant! Good idea for sure, give it another draft if you want. But a good effort and enjoyable to read.

Hope this helped.

AD YEAH
19-09-2010, 22:05
Alright, ill come up with a better description, ive also done a diagram of it to :P
yeah, im on to changing the names, just cant think of any brilliant 40k ones :L
I love that movie :L
Thanks man, i wasnt 100% sure what needed fixing, but thanks (:

kurisawa
06-10-2010, 03:26
OK. I'm going to take you seriously when you say you want some advice.

The orbital artillery pounded away at the surface…
Force recon guardsmen grav-dropped onto the surface, right into the fight of their lives…
The main body of the landing crafts entered the atmosphere…
As hell broke loss around them…

This serves no purpose to your story. I think you are trying to mimic some BL authors who do this. I'd drop this bit.


THE IMPERIAL LANDING CRAFT KNOWN AS ‘CELTIC 5’ THUNDERED SLOWLY THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE of Phenosa.

Only capitalise the first three words, if at all. Not a bad opening sentence otherwise, except that "thundering slowly" is slightly oxymoronic. I would drop the "slowly" - it's going very fast!

From above the clouds, the ground was a blur, except for the explosions erupting on the surface.

From above the clouds, anyone on the Celtic would not be able to see the ground.

The large Mars pattern landing craft fired its anti-air guns into the sky, shooting down aerial threats that flew towards the Celtc,

Why is it shooting up? Is not the enemy below them on the ground?

its sounds echoing within the ship,

"their sounds", if it refers to anti-aircraft guns. I would say "roaring" or some other more descriptive verb to describe their sound.

A ratat sound blasting loudly within the lower hanger bay.

This needs a full stop to signal the new sentence, or a change to make blasting an active verb. The sound effect "ratat" isn't too good either.

The larger engines sparked, the thick admantium metal, dented and blistered, scratch marks and holes lined the irregular top, all over the high command bridge and the area around it, its naval cannons visibly, destroyed and burning, visibility from the bridge began disintegrating.

This sentence is far too long and loses any meaning.

The external communications with the rest of the naval fleet…Destroyed, a small gashing hole left at the Eastern end of the Bridge, Void shields…Completely Destroyed.

OK. You're breaking beginner rule #1 by now: SHOW don't tell. You have yet to identify a protagonist, a character, who can observe these things. Someone should be doing or saying something by now.

“80 seconds” Shouted one of the pilots into the internal vox system,

This would have been a fine opening sentence for your story. Fill in the details afterwards, as characters talk and take actions.

The 2000 or so men seated in the hanger bay, prepared themselves for the worst,

No comma after hangar bay.

they checked there ammunition and began securing there flak armor.

New sentence and *their, on both occasions.

Others ate some of there rations whilst others smoked, trying to relax themselves.

That's completely ridiculous, considering the scene you have just set. With 80 seconds until impact, they will be hanging onto their seat harnesses, triple-checking the firing actions on their rifles, and praying to the Emperor.

The three tank squadrons, each vehicle bolted down with heavy iron mechanical beams that held them in position until after landing.

There is no active verb in this sentence.

There crews sitting in their vehicles ready to go, its tank commanders discussing plans with each other over the Vox system.

*their crews, *their tank commanders, still no active verb.

I think you have the imagination to picture a cool scene and perhaps a story set in the 40K universe. You just need to brush up on some basics in order to properly present these to a reader.

I have stopped here because sometimes people don't want to get better at writing, and actually resent being corrected or given suggestions designed to help them. I'll wait to see if you are one of these. If you want it, I can help you.

K.

AD YEAH
07-10-2010, 09:17
no keep going please...i need all the help i can get and im still quite young so i can only get better :D
i shall start editing and taking your advice in (:
but please continue

kurisawa
07-10-2010, 10:12
Yes! That's good. You definitely can get better as you have the passion and imagination which are the starting qualities. After that it's all about learning the tricks.

2ND LIEUTENANT COLONEL BLACKSIRE SAT IN HIS SEAT FIDDLING WITH HIS BOLT PISTOL, AS HE heard the announcement, he rose to his feet and began giving orders, using the Vox system across all channels.

Is this your main character? I'm sort of having a problem picturing idly fiddling with his boltpistol. What's his state of mind? I take it they are on a dropship, and this is plummeting at full speed towards the surface. You know that opening scene in Saving Private Ryan when the landing craft is heading towards shore and its all cannon blasts and people shouting at each other. Imagine being in that situation.

“Alpha Company, out first, group up, spread out and keep moving. Beta take the left flank, Charlie take right. Dog and echo companies, covering fire as soon as you guys get out. Heavy weapon units follow Alpha and set up taking major threats. 2nd battalion will be following Dog and echo, watch for friendly’s, over”

Ah, I recently read Band of Brothers, and these are exactly the same company names. I don't think you are far off, though, just make it more 40k. You can go the full Gothic Latin style with Primus, Secundus etc. but for something unique to your story how about Grox Company, Ambull Company, etc?

It's good that we have characters speaking now, by the way. You can start right into this and the reader will soon pick up what's going on.


The Company captains replied and issued orders to the platoon lieutenants who then replied to them and began giving basic orders to the infantry squads under there command.

How about... "Victory!" crackled the vox as captain banner used their unofficial acknowledgement signal. "Grox Company ready. Victory!" came another reply.

The men looked at each other, some were scared, others more nervous and the trigger-happy veterans were excited in a way, rather, wanting to see combat again.

You're telling me how they feel. Try showing.

"One of the rookies vomited. Others stared at the low metal ceiling above, reciting prayers to the Emperor, trying not to make eye contact with the men beside them, or Blacksire, as if afraid of his scrutiny.

Garren and Trask laughed, and some currency was passed between the two veterans. Clearly one had just won some private wager. Pocketing the Imperial note, Trask took out his long, curved blade and ran his finger along its edge just one more time. Blacksire had done a dozen drops with Trask, and every time he was the same; cool as a Cadian glacier."

“90 seconds!”

:wtf: Wasn't it 80 seconds just now?

AD YEAH
07-10-2010, 10:41
:D
Blacksire is one of the main characters for this chapter, although he is like a one hit wonder really :L
ambull company, nice (: i couldnt think of names at the time, so i went with the traditional names.

Sounds good (:
thanks for the examples i shall come up with my own to show it.
i think i should repost this thread cause i did a bit of fixing up the other day with alot of gramar mistakes and the 80 seconds up front was changed to 90. :P my bad :L

so far, what would you rate my story, 5/10? :L
and can you continue with critism :P thanks

kurisawa
12-10-2010, 01:24
Hi again.

I've read through completely now, and have an idea of where this is heading, so I want to change the way I've been commenting. Instead of going line-by-line, I think you ought to step back and look again at the whole story. You should keep this writing as your own reference, and indeed can copy and paste large chunks of it into a reduxed version.

For the new version, here are several tips:

1. Focus on one main character. I would choose Julian. Make him your POV (point of view) character, and stop switching to others. The reader then locks into this guy and sees the story through his eyes.

2. Develop the character. People say "flesh him out", which is apt as at the moment he seems like just another grunt - a skeleton rather than a rounded character. He needs flesh. Don't write this into the story, but think about his background, his childhood, but most importantly his motivation. There is a battle going on, fine. That is your "overall" story arc. To add depth to the writing, you need a "personal" story arc for this guy. He has four brothers on the ship (a bit Saving Private Ryan, that). You could have just one, an elder brother, who he has always felt jealous of and wants to prove himself better than. Or maybe a younger one who he feels he needs to protect. Is there someone on the planet he is in love with, and has a personal mission to find her (maybe even disobeying orders to do so?).

And, very importantly, he needs a flaw. You may have heard of "Mary Sues" which are perfect, boring, all-too-goody characters. By flaw, I don't mean bad eyesight or a fear of snakes (which are physical flaws, and not so bad either), but something in his character. Something human. We all have them (truly altruistic, selfless people like Mother Theresa are in reality very rare: We are all basically selfish). Maybe he is greedy, or jealous, or lazy, or suffers from pride or wrath: Something that makes him do the wrong thing on occasion. Think of Han Solo - he was a jerk most of the time, never listening to others, only in it for the money. But he, and your character, can then overcome their personal flaw to make the right decision in the end to be a hero, and complete their own personal story arc.

3. Plot through character actions. At the moment you have what is called an "And-plot": This happens, and then that happens, and then something else happens, and the characters just react to everything and try and survive. For each scene, try to have an important and tough decision for the main character to make. Then his decisions drive the story. Star Wars IV would have been pretty boring had Luke decided to just stay on Tattooine and be a moisture farmer, but he makes a decision based (initially) on revenge for his murdered aunt & uncle.

4. Have tension with other characters. The Cadians are all on the same side, but an important element of drama is conflict - not just the physical kind, but actual characters clashing and disagreeing. A captain may want personal glory and order a crazy charge, but others in his unit may know a better way to defeat the enemy. Is there an old enemy in the unit that Julian wants to kill/better? Han and Luke and Leia argue all the time, even though they are on the same side, and it is through these arguments that decisions are made and the plot driven.

5. Avoid "infodumping". You are actually pretty good at this already. Infodumping is cold lumps of explanatory text about "what's going on". It is like the intro to Star Wars, with the scrolling text giving the current situation. Imagine if the whole film had been like that, instead of C3PO saying "Did you hear that? They destroyed the main reactor! The Princess won't escape this time." We've talked about this before, but the point is you don't need to "tell" the reader that C3PO is on a rebel starship and is a droid who serves under Captain Antilles and the princess has escaped many times before but now a Star Destroyer has disabled the ship's engines and they are about to be boarded: We "see" it happen. The reader likes this, too. I think your Vox announcements about the 'nids boarding the ship do this well, so keep at it.

6. Finally, story planning. I'm not sure how long you want to make this or if you have already thought about the ending, but if not, you should. Editors keep annoyingly saying a story always needs a "beginning, middle, and ending". Of course they do! But what does this mean?

The beginning of a story should be an "out-of-whack" event, or as my friend likes to say, something "surprising and unexpected". This sets up the problem or mission that the character has to complete. It's not just "one day, like any other day in his ongoing life...". You're joining the character at the start of a planetary drop - a fine beginning!

Your "middle" will see your character think and fight and work his through all sorts of problems and decisions trying to get his life back into "whack".

The ending is where all the story arcs come together. The battle finishes, but what do the characters learn? Do they change? Do you have sub-arcs, with other characters that Julian know also solving their own personal problems?

Han decides to do something noble and becomes a hero, Luke learns to trust his feelings instead of computers, Obiwan delivers the New Hope to the rebellion at the cost of his life, and maybe Leia falls just a little bit in love.

And finally... do something different.

I feel like I've read a thousand IG fanfic pieces just like yours. I'd love something different. I had an idea for my own story, a little like yours, but what the heck, I'll share the catch for you: My main character was to be a self-serving git, who was only interested in surviving, and only signed up because he was forced into it after being caught for a crime. He hated the Emperor and had no interest in nobly saving others. But he gets thrown into a command role after all the officers are killed after a FUBAR drop goes wrong, and gradually finds himself making decisions that are in the interests of his unit and the army, even though he would rather desert and hide. In the end, he turns out to be a real hero. Ha.

Another thing I'd suggest is reversing cliche characters: What if a new green recruit is the calm, confident one (maybe because he hasn't really seen combat before), and the old grizzled vets are the ones vomiting and praying, earning Julian's scorn and emboldening his own proud view of himself? That would be different. And how about, just for once, a captain who isn't a cold-hearted bar-steward?

Hope some of this might help. :eyebrows:

K.

AD YEAH
13-10-2010, 08:11
each point is numbered yeah:

1. okay, i was thinking about doing one character, except like in my story, most of it is set in two completely different locations on the same battlefield, and both locations are both fairly important to how the story runs. eg. In one part, Julian and his unit hold an important river which is a vital source of water and cover. Later at this scene, a commissar's escort is shot down and Julian's unit has to go and find him across the river in a dense forest. THe other scene is at the actual outpost which is viewed by Lorenzo. Lorenzo's story shows the repairing of the outpost and the uncovering of deep Space Marine and PDF secrets.

2.Alright, i've thought of this. I'm thinking of making Julian a man who questions things and is someone who is just there. He isnt a heroic figure but someone who does his duty for his emperor without all the crazy charges and the ordering around. He also loves his younger brother and has a tendensy to ignore things just to look out for him. Lorenzo is a figure like Julian, except he looks up to his brother and wants to be like him, has something to prove. More leadership and a bit lught headed.

3.Alright. I understand what you mean, im replanning and starting to fix things up again.

4. I've planned that, i just don't know where i'm going to slot it in yet. My tension was going to be that in Julian's company, a lieutanent has convinced some of his men that the mission is pointless. He tries to convince Julian's Lieutantent and a massive arguement breaks out before it is broken up by the troops. This Lieutanent desides to lead his men astray in the later chapters.
Also another one is that a man in Julian's squad is trying to take control of Julian's squad after his sergeant is KIA. Everyone believes that he is unfit and disloyal, and a whole lot of tension builds up in the squadron. Julians friend Carl will take over the squad.

5.Thanks for that (: that means thats one skill that i dont have to improve overlly much. i think :L

6.ill take that into mind yeah (:
i think ive got the out of wack bit, i just need the other bits aye :L

I really can't take your idea, even if i wanted too. it sounds good but (: you should start it, will really be an impressive piece of work, if you can put your advice into it ;)
can you show me some of your stories... if you have any :L


Dude you were a great help, thanks man!!! (: wish others could give me just as good advice :L

but yeah:
question: Should i focus it on both Julian (older brother) and Lorenzo (younger) as the two main characters. Then maybe have sub characters who make appearences in their point of view? because like some bits need to be viewed by different characters, not just the main ones :L i feel that it makes the reader understand more if something happens to another character at his point of view, then the main character has to solve the situation and follow his point of view :/
not sure if you get what i mean, but yeah, maybe, do you think itll work?

kurisawa
13-10-2010, 23:09
question: Should i focus it on both Julian (older brother) and Lorenzo (younger) as the two main characters. Then maybe have sub characters who make appearences in their point of view? because like some bits need to be viewed by different characters, not just the main ones :L i feel that it makes the reader understand more if something happens to another character at his point of view, then the main character has to solve the situation and follow his point of view :/
not sure if you get what i mean, but yeah, maybe, do you think itll work?

I would seriously think about doing the story from two different character POVs, and then still not do it. ;)

It's up to you, and there are plenty of successful stories from dual/multiple perspectives out there. However, you can make the reader understand non-pov characters from the things they say and do. You don't need to get inside everyone's head. For example, the Sherlock Holmes stories are all told from the POV of Watson - but Sherlock is the main character and very vividly portrayed without the author ever reporting his thoughts.

Yeah, things happen around the battlefield, but your story is about Lorenzo and Julian; not Fred in artillery, Tommy the radio-man, or even Archibald the clerk back on Terra who ordered their uniforms. Your character(s) witness the results of other things happening around the battlefield (artillery shells landing, orders given, wearing uniforms), you don't need to zoom in on every event separately.

I know what your problem is because I had exactly the same one for a long time, and maybe still do. You want to report a battle on a tabletop. Real stories are a far different beast to batreps.

K.

AD YEAH
17-11-2010, 07:32
This is the edited version with multiple views
Chapter 1 Breaking Day
331961.M41
1420-1400 hours, Cadia time
Location: Phenosian Airspace





"Big daddy this is Eagle 1, approaching LZ now, heavy infestations, prepare for tough landing" Said Vanco Cyclo into the mouth piece of his pilots headgear as his Vulture assault aircraft rose back into formation with the big imperial naval craft
"Victory! Escorts take down all aerial threats, don't let them any closer otherwise we're going to break up even more. Lowering thrusters, cover us for one hundred seconds, then divert escort force to take down bogies in Omega 5 sector, over" Replied Admiral Leslie over the naval Vox system that communicated with all imperial aircraft on the same frequency.
"Copy that, Eagle 5 and Eagle 6 take point and hold all forces back, Eagle 2 and 3 stay in formation and Eagle 7 cover the bridge"
"Over" Came the reply over Vanco's headset as he diverted his Vulture to the Crafts right flank, preparing to pick off the scraps.

The imperial landing craft known as 'Celtic 5' thundered through the atmosphere of Phenosa at a steady pace as its escorts fired missiles into swarms of winged creatures in the distance. From above the clouds, Vulture pilots saw the ground as a blur, except for the shapes of the larger creatures that were seen manoeuvring across the baron surface, killing anything in their path. Then sudden explosions that erupted on the surface as orbital artillery fired devastating amounts of firepower to the surface, eradicating anything in its path.
Vanco and his co-pilot Tonta watched as the large Mars pattern landing craft as it fired its heavy anti air guns in all directions, trying to hit the numerous winged creatures as they came into range. The sound of shells firing echoed loudly as it easily attracted the attention of the unwanted.
Vanco's attention turned to the Celtic's large cylinder like engines that sparked ferociously at the ships rear. Its dark grey colour shining brightly as it absorbed the light from space. The five engines looked ready to explode at any moment as they exerted huge amounts of dense nuclear fusion heat energy. The pair than scanned the Celtic five's huge bodily features, its thick admantium metal armour that lined just about the entire ship was covered with dents and blisters as if it had been worn out from numerous landings and heavy combat training. It was the colour of greyish silver that coated it, but most of it had faded away and was left with numerous marks. Scratch marks and holes lined the irregular roof of the Craft as sparks detonated into the air from where its old naval cannons had sat moments earlier. Its remains burned and twisted to the side of the ships roof, practically hanging for its life.
They could suddenly see smoke rising out of the roof that blocked out the visibility of the 25 metre tall command bridge that stood on the flattened roof closer to the rear in the middle of the ship, they could see a two man high gashing hole in the side of the bridge just as a large winged creature landed next to it. The landing craft began to lower itself down to the surface, slowly as the ship took more fire. More than 3 kilometres till ground level, the ship lowered out of the cloud line. Vanco focused away from the landing craft as a red dot beeped at him on his radar screen. He tapped at it, and then looked ahead. His eyes widened as he saw a large winged creature in the distance. Approximately 25 kilometres away, it was huge, bigger than that of mythical dragons. They were at least four metres high and much, much longer, flapping its wings slowly, as if it had all the time in the world.
"Tanta, report to Celtic's bridge about that thing, and then prep all multi lasers to maximum power, it’s gonna be a tough few moments" Said Vanco to his co-pilot
"Already on it"
Vanco turned to look at the front of the Celtic five, he gulped as he realised how many men were in the ship that had suddenly become the main attention of the enemy. 'They got to land now' he thought to himself as he thumbed open the triggers on his control stick. He knew the structure of the Celtic 5 well. He knew where the location of the infantry hanger was and how many men were inside. He could only scrape the surface of how they were feeling...


"90 seconds!" delivered a voice over the speaker system that was connected to the Celtic 5's internal vox communication system throughout the ship. "Emperors speed! May he be with you always"
Everyone in the large hanger bay prepared themselves for the worst. two thousand, five hundred men seated in a long hanger bay that was over twelve metres high and originally built for assault aircraft and larger troop carriers. But today it was one of the largest transports being used in the planetary campaign of Phenosa, carrying thousands of men as well as a company of virtually indestructible battle tanks and scout vehicles.



1ST LIEUTANENT COLONEL Tolkien Blacksire sat in his green metallic seat in the middle of the huge hanger bay, his regimental command squad made up of 10 officers sat on a platform that was slightly higher off the metallic ground. He clenched the handgrip of his silver bolt pistol, putting in his first clip of ammunition, then sheathing it back into its holster.
"Sir, companies are issuing in asking for the finalised of orders. We've only got a few seconds before we touchdown, what do you want us to do?" Asked Blacksire's Vox Sergeant looking directly at him waiting for a reply
Blacksire stared blankly at the front of the landing craft over the heads of the numerous soldiers as various thoughts and ideas rushed through his very mind. Then using the base of his chair for support, he rose to his feet and looked at all the men around him. He tapped Vox sergeant Haos on the head, "Haos, give me the external headset" He said to him with his hand out. Haos gave to him a small black handset, and Blacksire started relaying orders as he pressed it against his ear.
"Alpha company out first, group up and keep moving, clear a path for the armour to move through. Beta follow Alpha out and hold the left flank, nothing gets through to the armour, Charlie take right and don't let them out flank us. Heavy weapons units follow up behind, move in with Alpha Company and provide evasive fire. Delta move in behind the armour, echo through to half companies follow same plans and exit rear ramp, make sure we aren't encircled, otherwise we're doomed. May the Emperors mercy lie on our shoulders!" He said into the headset.
He put the earpiece to his ear and he could hear the company Captains replying using the unofficial regimental reply call "Emperors storm!" The first man to reply back was Captain Basilone of Charlie Company, one of the most veteran men in the 1st Battalion of the 501st death storm regiment.
Blacksire reacted with a slight smile, before changing to a serious face as the Celtic 5 shook as it was pounded by the surface.



PRIVATE Julian Von Burren looked around the large hanger bay through his sea blue eyes. He could smell man stench, and it reeked of onion sweet and of private Stevous Walters dirty, green vomit that spread across the floor next to him. He saw that almost everyone in the hanger was of the same race. Most of them pure breed Cadians from the planet Cadia whilst a few others were replacement troops from the planet Corrosia and Phentasa.
Some of the men were the finest of warriors ever trained with natural instincts that helped them in combat. Some were natural leaders like Lieutenant Walker, Julian's platoon officer. Some others were the complete opposite and were likely to get a lot of men killed in the heat of battle. Some men were the greatest of warriors like veteran trooper Jackson 'Metallica' Connors. Others were the greatest Marksmen like the legendary brothers Brandon and Jordan Santosagara. Julian was only looking for one man as he scanned the faces of the men behind him.
Julian wanted to be like them, wanted to be the best. He wanted to prove something to the veterans of his unit. That he wasn't the same weak boy who joined up two years previous. He wanted to be able to protect those that he loved. Especially his little brother. But he knew it wasn't the way. Not to keep the ones you love close, keep the Emperors mercy closer. Julian lost his train of thought just as a hand hit the back of his dark green combat helmet. Julian turned and looked to his left with his sea blue eyes. He saw his crazed war monger mate, staring at him.
"Jul'z bro, you right?" Asked Trooper Carl Censorus in a deep alto tone. A faint smile spread across his face hidden behind prickly stubble of a beard that made him seem a few years older.
"Yeah I think I’m good, just nervous as man" Julian replied clenching his hands together between his legs
"How can you be nervous? I'm feeling a bit excited, it’s our first day in actual combat" Said Carl in a Joyous tone as a happy expression spread across his face.
"I know right, but I’m just feeling worried but, can’t help thinking about dying here. Man, all I want is to see tomorrow.”
"Dude, don't think about tomorrow, think about today, and think about now, just act as if there was no tomorrow and work your way on from there. Trust me, it works, back home thats the way I lived "
"Didn't think you'd be the one giving the advice" Replied Julian as he reached for his water canteen on his black belt. He lifted it to his mouth and sipped it before closing it again and attaching it back onto his waist.
"Carl, Julian, we have received our orders, when we land, we'll be the 2nd squad in the company out." Said Sergeant McPix
"Got it" replied Carl enthusiastically as he picked his black M 4-lasgun from between his legs and quickly put his power pack in its chamber and locked it in.
"Julian, I want you to stay with Felix, if we lose the vox caster on his back, we're totally screwed, and Onix, Reiben and kynox will be behind me with Carl at the rear."
"Ahuh, Sir, do you think we'll make it out of here" Asked Julian as he prepped himself
"Pray that the emperor will help us" Said McPix before he turned away from Julian and mumbled to himself "Emperors a load of crap"
Julian checked his armour quickly, he secured his Green combat helmet, fascine his two black shoulder pads, shook his green coloured flak armour that spread across his chest and upper back and folded down his grey and yellow coloured Khaki fatigues. He looked to either side of him, breathed in and out slowly so that he was able to hear himself exhale. His mind tried to set in and to get all the nerves of his head. It's time for the training to kick in.

"50 seconds!"

Julian's heart raced quicker, he put one hand onto his seat to hold him down, and gripped his gun with the other. He looked to his left at the men of his squad and of the men in his company. He turned to his right, over the heads of the other seated men. He could see the turrets and the top of the angled hull of the most devastating battle tanks he'd ever seen. He looked back, he counted 10 of them. He turned back and looked ahead, he closed his eyes, breathing more and more as his heart pounded like a steam train.
"Alpha through to Echo companies, grab your weapons and stand to your feet," Shouted a deep voice over the speaker in the hanger bay.
All the men did as they were ordered and rose up. Julian stood and looked around quickly as his seat suddenly lowered into the base of the hanger. A Mechanical clanking sound echoed throughout the hanger as rows and columns of seats folded downwards to create a flat surface as small poles lifted upwards. The silver aluminium poles were no less than two metres tall, one lifted out of the ground between each individual soldier. Each guardsman grabbed on tight with one hand including Julian and Carl. Julian pulled up his bag onto his back and slung his lasgun onto his shoulder and then pulled a chain out from around his neck and kissed his round curve ended dog tags, ready to go.
BANG!!!!!
The Celtic 5 suddenly shook as if an earthquake had erupted aboard the ship. Men were thrown around and shaken frantically as a red siren sounded off in the hanger bay. The room flashed red as men began to panic. Julian stood up again, helping Carl to his feet; he gulped as the first fearful feeling of being attacked hit him.

AD YEAH
17-11-2010, 07:35
BLACKSIRE GOT off the ground, he could smell something. Something like the burning sensation of scorched metal mixed with a touch of boiling hot acid that smelt like gone off cheese. He watched one of the corridors that led into the hanger bay. Smoke began to pour in from it and then float up towards the high roof.
He knew why...
The void shields had begun to shut down.
"Harnzer, find out what the hell is going on" Shouted Blacksire to his secondary vox operator.
"What in Emperors name is going on up there?" Shouted Harnzer into the metallic mouth piece strapped around his mouth and attached to his helmet.
"We got major system shut downs! Bio breach, bogies causing heavy damage, Winged Warriors incoming, Impact in 5 seconds!" shouted the blurred reply from the command bridge. People began to get back to their feet and then grabbed their weapons and held them tight, hoping not to lose them.
"Harnzer, report across all vox systems to prepare the men for an onboard invasion" Shouted Blacksire to Harnzer as he pulled out his bolt pistol and gripped it tightly, some with a lot of the others as situation reports reached all the squads in the hanger bay. Blacksire could see that numerous men in the hanger began to panic. Sergeants and lieutenants tried to calm down the worried troopers but it wasn't effective amongst the weaker links. Even some of the leading elements began to freeze and panic.


Escort pilots could only watch as parts of the huge landing craft began to smoke, technical systems throughout the ship began breaking down and falling apart, causing haywire. Lascannons on the side of the ship suddenly burst to life as they fired red hot bursts of energy at creatures that came in close, and then the sound of heavy flak fire from autocannon shots filled the sky, the shots hitting numerous winged creatures. Those that were hit had gory holes ripped through them before they plummeted straight back to the hard ground. Everything was Chaotic outside whilst small jaggered, hanging pieces of metal fell desperately off the ship as flames slowly began to engulf the rear.



BLACKSIRE watched as hell began to erupt; the men weren't exactly ready to die. Most of the men hadn't seen combat yet, smoke leaked in more, as transmissions filled the hanger over the Vox speaker system from the bridge. The pilots and the crew began to quickly discuss the damage done to the Celtic 5's armour, whilst others began to panic slowly demolishing the moral of the infantry stationed in the hanger bay.
"We got to pull up!" Shouted the pilots
"I'm trying, systems are shutting down" Shouted another
"Void shields are gone sir!" Shouted a blurred officer
"We got a hot L.Z, gotta land somewhere else, Over" Shouted what seemed to be an escort
"Sir Lieutenant Marshal Graham is KIA, infestations rising by the second!"
"Eagle 7 behind you!" shouted another voice then quickly shouting louder than before, "MIKE!!!"
"Eagle 1, we got forces coming behind, cover the fugging rear!"
"Fah, someone fuggin seal off that bloody engine room"

Then more voices suddenly broke out over the intercom shouting loudly and directly at each other as explosions could be heard erupting more and more.
"Sir, something just crashed into the nose"
"Get the 23rd over there now!"
"600 metres to the surface. 30 seconds!"
Then the ship suddenly shook in mid air as one of the thrusters in the engines shot to life and a loud boom sounded as the ship slowly began to rise again. Julian lost his balance as the sudden change in the landing process dramatically affected his balance. He grabbed tightly onto the pole next to him as his knee hit the base of the hanger ever so lightly that he just felt it. He swallowed deeply, his mind blinked quickly as he felt his heart rate pound at 100 beats per minute.
"Landing sequence reboot, landing in 100 seconds!"


Troopers around the hanger bay gulped as nervous feeling and sweet took over their bodies. A lot of the men were worried but in one Company in particular, barely any faces of the soldiers dropped with fear. Delta Company. Trooper Lorenzo Von Burren held tightly onto the pole next to him as the sound of sirens and intercom talk blasted in his ears. His sergeant smoked and spoke to two of the men to his right, his head down as he tried to keep the nerves out of him. Others stood strong, many of the new guys had smiles and excitement spread across their faces but then slowly began to change to expressions of shock and fear. The familiar face of his brother flashed through his mind as he quickly remembered things from his past. He thought about his main role in his unit, 1st platoon, Delta Company, ‘the runner’.
Lorenzo's mind slipped back to when he joined the force of the 52nd replacement division where he had taken a hard course of harsh training. He remembered being assigned to the 501st regiment and slipped his way into the lower ranks of Delta Company of the 1st battalion.
He thought it was a great choice. How wrong he thought he was. He missed how the hive Cyrus on Cadia. It was the life of a guardsman, never to see their home again, serve the emperor the best they could and if they were lucky, die on the battlefield in a quick millisecond.
He set his lasgun to automatic and slung it onto his back next to his heavy 30kg backpack. Lorenzo didn't have many close mates, just Lucky and Majentus, the only two guys he knew well.
Lorenzo looked around and breathed in lightly, his heart bate just over 80 per minute just as he heard a deafening roar echoing through into the hanger bay over the sound of sirens and explosions. It was loud and deafening, painful and what was even worse was that the sound of dying guardsmen screaming echoed loudly as lasgun shots echoed as they fired in sync.
Lorenzo looked back. So did everyone else.
Everything suddenly went to crap.



THE REGIMENTAL COMMAND section jumped to their feet with a sudden freight as the roar caught them off guard completely. Blacksire turned and looked at his two vox operators, eying both of them. They both had looks of freight as messages were being relayed into their ears. Harnzer looked up at Blacksire and grabbed his lasgun off of his shoulder.
"Sir, infestations lower levels, warriors identified, 3 of them" He said
"Craps" Shouted Blacksire to himself, drowning his bolt pistol, getting his command unit ready for a close confined battle.

An explosion erupted on the hanger, it skimmed over the top of one of the tanks, impacting into the wall, suddenly turning the spot into a devastating mould of melting scrap as it slowly began to fall away as the acidic substance attacked it. One of the tank commanders grabbed his mounted heavy stubber and turned it to face one of the corridors at the other end of the room, pulling back the lever on the right side of the gun, ready to fire its long magazine of silver bullets.


"Holy crap," Shouted Julian as he and many other troops turned and looked to the rear. Another blast suddenly went off irradiating a group of men from Echo Company, turning them into a mess of broken bloody parts.
"Warriors" Shouted panicked guardsmen
Julian looked around; he watched as men gathered their weapons and as manly suddenly broke into a panicked state. He looked to the rear just as the sight of a 5 metre tall Tyranid appeared out of a corridor. He watched as red hot laser shots went off hitting the beast. Its long bat like wings covered in small holes as its outer skeletal structure was tickled as it bounced off him. Julian's hands began to shake as he gripped the hand grip of his lasgun and the fore-hold at the front of the gun as it ran across on an angle across his body. Another warrior appeared out of a corridor towards the front of the ship where Alpha Company was. It roared as men turned their attention to it. Many troops charged and lunged at it but its sword like arms, more like sharp bladed talons drove into them, decapitating their bodies, like a knife cutting through butter. One lieutenant led a desperate charge, the warrior cut towards him, only to miss the man’s body. The man lunged at the beast’s lower body with his fixed bayonet on his lasgun and drove it into the creature. It yelped, and reacted ferociously, cutting into the man’s body. It lifted him up and then in one vicious swoop, through him into a crowd of men.
Julian could only watch as the brave lieutenant was thrown into the ranks of Charlie Company. Everything began to go wrong before Julian's eyes...within seconds.



IN THE COMMAND BRIDGE, the Celtic 5's admiral Maxicus Leslie barked orders to the many pilots and staff in the command bridge as systems began to shut down, he turned over to one of the screens that communicated with the engine rooms. The screen flashed to life as it changed locations, on the image. Leslie’s jaw dropped as the body of a dead guardsmen laid bent over at his communications past as blood gauzed out of his back. The men hadn't stood a chance. There was a massive cut mark that ran along the systems in the background causing haywire. Blood was smeared along the walls in fire random artistic patterns.
"They’re in the engine room’s sir; we just lost the crew back there" Shouted Corporal Luckstar
"Activate all internal defence systems, targeting anything non-human" Ordered Leslie
"Sir, auto defences are not commuting, systems in the area have failed" Shouted Corporal Gilmore as he actively pushed numerous buttons on the flat top screen in front of him searching through the details as he tried to get systems working.
"What about our defence forces around there?"
"None responsive, sir I think we've lost about 60% of the crew”
Suddenly the Celtic 5 shook violently as a flash of bright yellow caught Leslie's eye to the right of the bridge. The Celtic shook violently again, men were thrown to the ground as the aftershock hit them hard. Those that sat in seats were hit as their necks suddenly jerked forward just missing their consoles. Leslie looked around at the men on the ground, then his head snapped to the side as he hear a tremendous alien roar from out in the corridor, men jumped at the sudden freight as the screams of dying men suddenly blasted over the sound of explosions.
"Check all mounted weapon systems, make sure aerial threats are being taken down" Shouted Leslie
"Sir they're low on ammunition on the left side and the right side ain't responding" Replied operator Henderson as he tried to reach numerous gun officers.
"Call up the elite guard" Ordered Leslie as he heard another explosion out in the corridor
"Nid's are heading for the bri-" Shouted a voice over the vox system before the man was cut down where he stood, and a death defying roar echoed through it.
"Shut those blast doors" Leslie shouting of the top of his lungs, realising that this was going to be it. He drew his two bolt pistols and grabbed three men to their feet, as they swung around their shotguns and painted them towards the metallic closing doors.
The doors met in the middle of the doorway and as they met, a large blast door fell vertically down from the roof covering the entrance with another thick layer. Steam hissed out from the bottom as banging sounds pounded on it from the other end. Then the scary death screams of guardsmen as they hit on the other side of the door trying to escape the threat.

"Captain Iram, get your forces away from sector Fox 5, we're going down, over"
Shouted Leslie into a vox caster handset, he realised a black button that allowed him to talk into it.
"Copy, we're landing in Gamma 4, Admiral Dover's landing craft Erica 7 went down, lieutenant Colonel has ordered his battalion to defend Hive Auxillery" Came the blurred reply in Leslie's headset
"Over, if we survive the landing, this unit will be moving towards the outpost, rendezvous in a week"
"Copy that. May the emperor protect you today Leslie. I'll send a supply drop to the outpost"
"Thanks Iram, may the Emperor bless you and your crew, over and out" Said Leslie into the handset as he put it down.

BOOM!!!

Something pounded against the sealed blast doors. Pounding heavily against it. It was as if a heavy rock was being thrown at a thin piece of paper. Dents suddenly began to appear on the side of the blast-door; the metal was turned and suddenly became blistered as a huge purple and white claw breached the thick, grey blast doors, cutting diagonally down it from the corner. When it got half way through the men opened fire with their automatic shotguns, its shots scattering around the creatures curved talon like claws, the shots practically bouncing off it.
"Arm weapons" said Leslie as he looked at Baliox "here’s a bolt pistol" Throwing his second bolt pistol to him as he pulled a power sword out from its holder and powered it up.
"We're screwed" Shouted Baliox
"No we're not!" Replied Leslie as he turned and stared down the scared operator.
"600 crew, 3000 man cargo, an armoured company and a 250 metre long transport ship. Sir we're made for space transport not bloody planetary invasions!" Shouted Bialiox.
"Calm down! You’d be shot on the spot if that commissar was up here." Said Leslie, then he shouted at the men
"Prepare to fire" He shouted
Leslie realised that the scared man was right, everything had gone to **** and the spread out crew had been massacred to near extinction. Engines were failing, battles were raging, worst off was the failing void shields that once protected the battered ship. Now they were about to breach the main room of the bridge.
"Fire!" He called out just as a burst of shooting took place from lasguns.

The creature’s ugly alien like head appeared slightly through the gap in the blast doors. Its hideous bony structure was intimidating the men instantly, causing more panic for those who were holding their weapons. Its red eyes burning with rage as it scanned the room through the small gap. Its head lined with a thick layer of bone like skin as stretch marks lined around its sides. Its teeth sharp like a vicious White Shark as slime and human blood slithered out of the creature’s dinosaur like mouth down its long reptile like tongue oozing onto the floor of the room. Its layers of Carapace overlapped each other along the top of its head just like an insects stained a bluish purple colour with spots of red stained in random places. Its talons attached to its higher forearms continued to cut through the metal doors as for some strange reason, a black acid slowly began to form. Like the metal was melting!
The creature’s mouth opened as it released a loud, almost deafening roar that sent some of the men clutching their helmets, trying to cover their ears in a failed attempt.
Leslie looked at its head, and for a split second the two locked each other’s gazes. For only a split second was all it took for Leslie want to crawl into a shell.
His head raced but his limbs stood frozen as if they had been glued down. Negative thoughts rushed through his mind as he began to shake. How could we win? They're on board, outside this very Command Bridge. Who’s going to walk away from this?
Then to his surprise, the creature withdrew its talons from the metal blast doors, just before its cutting path met in the middle.
The men stopped shooting, looking away from their scopes, puzzled by the creature’s sudden disappearance.
A gun suddenly appeared through a hole, its black, bacteria like features showed through. Suddenly there was a green flash as a single plasma like bolt was fired out. The shot hit a guardsmen in the head with such a force that it through the man’s dead body across the room into the large bullet proof glass of the front of the bridge. His head missing as blood squirted out of the joints while his body fell to the ground. The men fired quickly, everything they had. Leslie only watched as everything went crazy around him. It was as if he was in slow motion.
He looked down at the wrist watch around his wrist. It had been in stopwatch mood, counting how many seconds since the decent had begun.
150 seconds.
50 seconds over the designated landing time.
He realised how quickly they had been overrun just as an explosion erupted next to him in Bailiox's body killing him instantly.

AD YEAH
17-11-2010, 07:35
"Incoming!" Shouted one of the pilots
"Brace yourselves!" Shouted Gilmore into the ships vox system as he grabbed his lasgun and began to shoot at the blast door.
The blast doors suddenly erupted open as the creature rammed it. Hard. The door exploded open, sending chunks of it into the open room. Men around Leslie quickly found themselves with massive pieces of twisted metal flying at their faces. The metal scattered into the men, hitting them hard. Leslie stared at the creature, its large bat like wings intimidating him, its exo skeleton body practically covered in streaks of red blood not belonging to itself. The creature standing on two hind legs up right like a human. It looked like a giant insect. As well as its two legs, it had two upper arms and in between its legs and upper hands was another set of arms! The creature’s upper arms bent upwards at a strange angle like a prey mantas, its red stained talons positioned ready to strike its enemy if they got too close. The arms in the middle held a long grey barrelled gun that was connected to a small egg like pouch in its other available arm. It was armed to the max, for a non human, non metallic species.
The creature’s talons drove into a body in front of it as the man struggled to get up, killing him instantly.

"8 seconds to impact" Shouted the pilot again in a more frightful voice as he swallowed his breath.
Leslie fired off a round from his bolt pistol into the creatures head at the exact same time; he spun around, pivoting on his heels to see what the pilots were talking about. He stared out the bridge. His eyes widened. His jaw dropped. His mind and body froze for a split second.
He saw it gliding towards them. A large, black, winged Tyranid. It was scarier than the creature in the room behind him. Small creatures violently pushed off its underbelly falling to the Celtic 5's roof top preparing to land. The black creatures large out stretched wings flapped slowly pushing it forward. They were the width of the bridge! It was bigger than that of the largest mythical dragons that once roamed the airspace of numerous planets. Its sharp jaggered teeth intimidating, its head lined with holes and along the top of its head all the way down to the tip of its tail was covered in layers of carapace plates that over lapped each other. A Valkyrie shot past it, blasts of missiles and of red beamed lasers pounded at its side causing barely any damage, not distracting the creature from its goal. That was all Leslie.
Leslie snapped back into action, men were scattering, pilots tried to manoeuvre the Celtic, and the Tyranid in the bridge lashed out around Leslie. Leslie running on pure instinct fired his entire clip in a second, all its rounds pounding into the creature’s body, causing it for the first time to bleed. Without missing a heartbeat, Leslie spun around to look out of the large windows; the creature was almost on top of them.
"OUT OF THE BRIDGE!" He shouted.
He could only watch as it flew towards them...Like a Kamikaze pilot...Aimed right at the bridge...Only metres away.


BLACKSIRE COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT WAS HAPPENING, HE MOVED QUICKLY TO THE INTERCOM. He pushed a black button and a 2D image of the Celtic 5 flashed open on the screen. It showed the Celtic 5’s damage status, with each different section of the ship a different colour. The engine rooms at the rear of the ship flashed a orange, the middle section flashed red and suddenly, so did the nose cone at the front of the ship. Then quickly, the bridge, shown by a mid height tower near the middle of the ship, suddenly flashed a dark red, blinking away, before it suddenly stopped.
The bridge was destroyed.
Other sections began to flash different colors as more heavy alien surface fire hit the ship as it slowly angled towards the planet.
The huge Tyranid warrior in the hanger sliced apart a Leman Russ battle tank’s turret, decapitating the commander inside, its ammunition exploding, but only tickling the Tyranid, as its rage grew even more. The infantry began to panic, and scatter to all ends of the hanger, as others tried to shoot at it with their pea shooter like lasguns. Blacksire moved towards the huge alien, he drew his plasma pistol and took aim.
He breathed in
Breathed out, and fired his plasma pistol, a blue gooey shot flew out over the madness. It hit the Tyranid in the chest, melting away flesh and bits of bone and organic material. The Tyranid looked his way, roared a screeching, high pitched sound on a savage note, it slashed its claws towards Blacksire and his remaining regimental command unit.
Blacksire took a few steps backwards, but his reflexes weren’t up to standard. The huge claws impacted across Blacksires chest, only slightly cutting the flesh behind it. The toxic bacteria that covered the creature’s talons suddenly entered his system. There was a huge cut left across the commander’s carapace armor as part of his shirt underneath soaked up blood.
The impact through him viciously to the ground, as it turned its attention to the men around it.
Blacksire looked at the ugly Tyranid, he pulled up his plasma pistol again and just as he pulled the trigger, a humongous explosion erupted shaking what remained of the Celtic 5. Blacksires shot spun upwards colliding with the solid metal hanger ceiling.


VANCO couldn’t believe what was happening. He could only watch as the creature plunged its way into the Bridge. It was impossible to stop it. Even with dozens of red hot laser rounds pounding at it and the waves of white missiles that were shot at it. It just kept flying. The impact was devastating, the creature crashed right through just before an explosion erupted pulling the bridge from where it previously once sat. Vanco watched as the explosion sent the bridge off the top of the ship.
It flew for the first time in its awkward shape. Then it plunged to the ground like a burning fireball. The creature was burned to mere ashes and chunks that were sent across the length of the ship and down its sides heading towards the surface. It was unbelievable. The Celtic 5’s bridge was made to be unbreakable by a suicide crash or even a multiple hail of missiles. That was proven wrong. Maybe it was the void shields, or maybe the structures or the ships age that had caused the incident.
Vanco spun his Vulture gunship past a flock of hideous Gargoyles that descended on the Celtic. Red lasers shot out from the weapon on the right hand side of the cockpit. The shots flew into the flock, dropping multiple targets, sending them to hell if there was such a place for the hideous aliens.
Voices blasted away in Vanco’s ear-piece, his men were taking heavy casualties. He looked in the top left hand corner of his cockpit from the corner of his eye. His escort units were flashing to life, the status of each ship showed via different colours. Eagle 2 and 3 flashed green meaning that they were okay. Eagle 5 and 6 flashed yellow meaning that it had sustained damage. Eagle 4 and 7 flashed red meaning that they were KIA. “Dam” mumbled Vanco under his breath realising that his men weren’t going to last too long.
“I got 4 on my back! I can’t shake them” Shouted the pilot of Eagle 5
“Eagle 5, there’s three in front of you!” Shouted the pilot of Eagle 3
“I’ve got you covered” Shouted the pilot of Eagle 2
Vanco looked outside of his cockpit; they were in so much crap. He thought hard about what to do. “I could divert my escorts to take out ground objects...Or I could make them stay here and be pounded by constant waves of aerial threats.” ‘Screw it’
“All escorts prepare to disband escort duty, take out major ground targets, dive down, got yous covered.”
“Copy that...But what about our mission?” said Eagle 2’s pilot into his headset.
“Are you blind?!” harshly stated Vanco, “The Celtic is going to crash, they’re going to be over run if we don’t take out those ground forces! GO!”
“Copy that” Replied Eagle 3
Vanco turned his Vulture harshly to the left, dodging past a passing beast. He let loose a heavy wave of hell fire missiles into a nearby flock just as his units dived towards the surface. He tilted his craft vertically on an angle and glided it down. He watched a turn of events take place. His men dived quickly, heavy laser fire raced out of its Multi-lasers hammering targets from above. Then a heavy swarm of missiles were let loose from each aircraft, blasting into major swarms of creatures, throwing limps and body parts in all directions. A thick layer of white smoke formed on the surface as the 4 ships dived back up towards Eagle 1. Suddenly, without warning, a creature lurched out of the thick smoke, its wings high, its teeth and talons bared. It lunged at the rear Vulture, snagging it on its tail fin. Without warning, the Vulture was pulled to the surface back through the smoke, only to not be heard again. Vanco’s jaw dropped, he watched as his unit flew back towards him.
CRACK! CREAK!
Vanco looked behind him. He turned his Vulture to. It came from the Celtic. He could see something odd forming at the top of the Celtic. Then he heard another creaking sound. His jaw dropped behind his breathing mask at the tremendous sight.


From approximately 500 metres in the air, the Celtic began to tragically come apart. It was a tremendous sight to witness as it broke apart. But from within the Celtic, it was horrifying; the crew were blown away and instantly killed as shards of metal ripped into them. The Celtic 5 began to be ripped in half. Literally. Cut and torn like a piece of cardboard. Parts of the ship fell away, weapons broke off, joints and entire floors began to collapse instantly. Entire areas burst to life as bright orange flames burst out of it causing more damage and huge amounts of panic. A large flame burst through the top levels of the Celtic. Its flames erupting out of the gasping marks where the bridge had once been.

Julian was thrown to the ground, pinned still against the floor. As for the Tyranids on board that survived, they began to make their ways out, looking for exits and holes.
The rear half of the ship completely broke away and suddenly fell away from front. It twisted and turned as the heavy piece of metal began to drop dramatically, little figures thrown out of it into the sky. The front half was in flight for a few seconds before it turned and dived towards the surface on a diagonal slope. Flames burst out of nearly every compartment. Entire sections burst away from the ship instantly following the burning trail.


JULIAN prayed to himself, asking for mercy from the emperor, he knew it was over. He closed his eyes, tightening them as much as possible. He prayed for a last few seconds and finally…
BOOOM! CRACK! BANG! CRUNCH!
Everything went dark; his mind went blank as the Celtic 5 slid across the ground, imprinting itself along the surface. It began to spin onto its side, leaving a trail of wreckage behind it as it slowed to a hault 500 metres from where they crashed.
It was dark inside the hanger.
What remained was a mess as dust began to float in and cover everything.
Fires that engulfed entire sections slowly died down as dust began to cover them and the fires fuel burned away. The living waited for the bang. They waited for the orange flames to engulf them or an explosion that would rip right through killing everything.
It never came.
Dead littered everywhere. The wounded crushed. The living began to stumble to their feet.
Third of the regiment shattered in moments.


Thats it for now.
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.
please give advice, definetly need it
AD YEAH