View Full Version : What do you think

28-05-2005, 05:49
Thriven awoke with a sudden shock from the impact of the last shell. They had been stationed to hold this hill for five days. There wasn’t much left of his company of men and it looked as if the Eldar where going to mount another attack at dawn. They had been stuck in their trenches they had dug a month ago for those five days. The dead littered the trenches. Men who five days ago had never seen combat where sleeping in dugouts on the line. They had yet to get any reinforcements and they where in dire need. Then there was the familiar sound of a Leman russ thundering toward the line. He risked his neck by sticking his head to see if these sounds rang true. Their they where standing many times larger than any man. Firing their hull mounted heavy bolters and spreading the emperors wraith to the unclean xenos. Smiling at the power of these machines ,he was startled when someone grabbed him on the shoulder and pulled him back into the trench before a shot rang out right where his head was three heartbeats earlier.
“Sargent, your no good to me dead.” A man yelled at him not because he was mad but because the tanks where getting closer.
“ Yes sir. I was just watc......” His sentence was cut short by the main battle cannon of the leman russ’s. As the ringing in his ears subsided he could see the lieutenant smiling and he could feel himself smiling also.
“ Sargent take all that’s left of your squad and we need to take that building. Comm me if anything goes astray.” As he points to an old Manufactrum building.
“ But sir, I lost my comms man three days ago”
“ I know that is why I came down here. There is a replacement about 700 meters down the line.”
“Yes sir, may I ask what my squad are doing sir?”Thriven said with a quick salute.
“ When you get down there talk to the comms Private, Tell him to radio me for further instructions. It that clear Sargent?”
“Yes sir.” Thriven Risked another glance to down the way and saw that the eldar where preparing an attack.
“ Boys wake up.” Thriven shouted in to the dugout where his 6 men where laying clutching their lasguns as they sleep.
“ Stout shut up. Were trying to sleep with this damn war going on.” A voice called from the back. As the young man sat up he had a blindfold on over his eyes. Even though it was pitch black in the hole he could still see his bright red hair.
“Shifty what did I tell you about calling me Stout? Now get up we got a job to do.” .
“And what did I say about calling me Shifty. Sarge.”
“I know Thomas but its so darn adorable.” Stout said as he walked over and pinched his cheek.

They finally got up and started moving around when a man in a dark Trench coat walked past. Thriven caught a glimpse of his bolt pistol holstered on his side. He also had a chainsword. He must be a replacement commissar for First platoon. The squad must have been reading his expression as he tried to think how he had heard about the death of the old commissar.
Shifty was the first to speak. “ The ol' commisar died when he jumped on a grenade thrown by a replacement. Not really thrown but dropped. Save the ‘hole command squad.”
That was right. Word travels fast about heroism when your waiting for the attack of an enemy. “All right lets move out” he bellowed.

The Comms man was a replacement alright. Pants all pressed out name tag still on his blouse. He looked scared and young. ‘Were going to have to save the pack when he dies’ Thriven thought to himself.
“What’s your name man?” Thriven said with a easy going hint in his voice.
“Uhh J...j....Jennings, Sir” Jennings said
“Jennings contact command and ask them for Data transfer.”
“Yes Sir. Radar one this is Hammer two requesting follow up commands. Over”
Sir they said move south along the ridge way untill we get to the Refinery.”
“Oh is that so, ok Jennings you stick near that big oaf over there and you’ll be fine. Ok?”
“Ye..ssss. Yes sir.” He said with a quick salute.
“Alright back to hikin’ Lets move out”

They had been on sound discipline for about an hour when they saw the building loom in front of them. Shifty was reading a tattered old book that looked older than the Emperor himself. Strater was a big muscle bound oaf who was as comfortable carrying the heavy stubber as the other men carrying their lasguns. His brother Hands who could unstick a jammed heavy stubber faster that you know what was carrying the ammo. Jennings was neveosly looking around and griping the grip of his lasgun way to hard. Buck was always talking about his home back on Veng IV and how you could live you whole life on a few mountain goat bucks was sharping his knives and Duke who was a draftee was cleaning his sights. Leroy was the company sharpshooter but was assigned to this squad before the eldar invaded was the last and was walking as if he was in a park with his woman. Suddenly he heard a sound like a large fan just turned on. He quickly gave a gesture to his men to halt and take cover. He then peeked his head through a broken window and saw a squad of xenos walk past followed by their heavy weapon floating platform. He knew what it was because he had seen the destruction it had done before. He watched Jennings ready his lasgun and grabbed a grenade off his belt when Thriven put a hand on his hand to stop him from readying the grenade. He then ordered Strater and Hands to to assemble the heavy stubber and go to the window just above where they where. They where going to ambush them when they came down the street. The rest of them where in charge of taking care of the Platform.

They readied their grenades and prepared to fight until the last man. The group on xenos came around the Stubber wasn’t firing. ‘I wonder why they aren’t firing?’ He asked himself but then he heard it. He pushed his guys out of the way so that he could see. Then he saw them. Dressed in black with a White shoulder pad with a black cross on it
He knew who they where. They where the Adeptdus Astartes. The Space Marines, the Emperors finest. They where waiting beside the building that Strater and Hands where in. There was one on the end who wasn’t wearing a helmet like the others where. His face looked old and scared. He had one of those swords that the commissar was holding earlier in the trenches. He then Mouthed something and all seven of them charged the Eldar. It was carnage. Thriven realized that they where out numbered and out gunned. So he yelled and charged out into the fray. There was already two space marines dead one was just legs and the other was missing his head. Firing his laspistol at the first enemy he saw then slashing his sword over to meet contact with the aliens neck.
“Ahhhhhh!!!!” He heard Hands yell. He risked a glance over to where the scream come from. There Hands was in single combat with an elaborately dressed alien. The xenos was wielding a spear that shined like Empa III’s twin moons as they rose. Then he felt a sharp pain in his left leg. The xenos had realized that he wasn’t paying attention to him and he struck out with his rifle. The blow sent him to the ground. He knew that that was the killing blow. He was now on the ground with Space marines, eldar, and his own troopers stomping around. He whispered a silent prayer to the Emperor to spare his soul. He felt the splatter of blood get on his face. He opened his eyes to see the bald space marine standing above him with an outstretched hand.
“Get up and show the emperor what your made of!” the giant seemed to shout. He reached up and grabbed a hold of his hand and gave thanks to the emperor, pulled his sword out of the torso the went to fighting. ‘No Pity , No Remorse, No Fear.’ the Space Marine yelled as he charged back in to the fray. Stout was close behind him telling himself that he was going to repay the marine for giving him his life back. The next alien he saw was the Elaborate one. He reared back as if he was to throw the shining spear at the marine that saved his life.
“Sir look out!” he bellowed as he threw himself at the alien. He swung his sword with all his might and he felt it make contact. The ringing of the spear as it hit the ground was a relief to his ears. But the guardian wasn’t out of tricks yet. The eldar caught him in the gut with an upper cut with his nub arm. The wind was instantly knocked out of him and he started to throw up.
“No one does that to my friend!!” Shouted Shifty as he jabbed his bayonet in to the back of the aliens head. The Eldar fell limp to the ground with a sickeningly thump. Then Stout blacked out.

Its a work in progress and I want to know what you guys think. I dont get on here much so could you send responses to Captamericafan@hotmail.com it would be greatly apprecatied.

29-05-2005, 03:25
Its a work in progress and I want to know what you guys think. I dont get on here much so could you send responses to Captamericafan@hotmail.com it would be greatly apprecatied.
I could, but i'm way too lazy. :p Just subscribe to this thread and activate notification so you get a mail to notify you when someone's posted here.

Alright, now your story is ok, but there are a bunch of editorial, style and, what would i call it, "realism" errors.

First of all, sentences like this: "Strater was a Big Muscle bound oaf who was great at being a heavy weapons guy was carrying his Heavy stubber chamber." really don't help. They're hard to read and the misuse of capitals can throw people off as well. It'd be more easily read if it was written along the lines of: "Strater was a big, muscle bound oaf, and a great heavy weapons guy. As always, he lugged around his heavy stubber [chamber?]". If i would write such a sentence (that's just me though), i would probably do it like this: "Seemingly like all heavy gunners, Strater was a big, muscle bound oaf, who carried his appropriately named heavy stubber effortlessly, probably even more comfortable with it than any lasgun-lugging soldier." What i'm trying to make clear here is that it helps if you get into these people's skins. They would likely refer to Eldar only as foul/unclean/another word for dirty xenos, as you've done here too. There are ofen stereotypical people in the army, like the obsessive-compulsive sniper, the herculian heavy gunner and the twitchy newbie. People who've been in the army will be familiar with it and thus likely refer to it in ways that show they're familiar with it. You've used it very well when the sergeant thinks about having to salvage the comm-link, try to keep that in your writing all across the story.

Also, you write stuff like “Sargent" and are not consistent when using capitals (Leman Russ/russ). Try to pay attention to this, a neat story will be easier to read and thus more likely to be (well-)recieved.

Another something i noticed, is how the Commissar is addressed: "Shifty was the first to speak.“ Good ol’ commissar Jenkins dived on a grenade thrown by a replacement. Not really thrown but dropped. Save the ‘hole command squad.” a bit too familiar don't you think? It's surprising to see soldiers being attached to a Commissar (there aren't alot of Ibram Gaunts out there!), but even if that was the case no soldier would speak before his superior, especially not if the addressed person is an agent of the feared Commissariat. It's especially awkward here, as it seems that the soldier is expecting the same from this new Commissar.

Names. The former Commissar was called Jenkins, the new comm Jennings. Coincidence? :p Also, lame name alert: "Lookout was the company sharpshooter". Seriously dude, a normal name would suffice.

And this: "Shifty was reading a tattered old book that looked older than the Emperor himself."? He's reading a book while attacking? :/

Apparently, Strater and "His brother Hands who could unstick a jammed heavy stubber faster that you know what was carrying the ammo and the barrel." are so fast that they even messed up that sentence. :p

These guys are Imperial Guard cannon-fodder, not some learnt Inquisitor who knows his aliens. "saw a squad of Guardians walk past followed by their Star cannon floating platform". No common soldier would refer to the Guardians as Guardians, the Starcannon as Starcannon and indeed don't call the Grav-platform that. Making up other names helps, like different names for tanks and such too (Abnett does it alot too, it helps add to the realism-soldiers always have nicknames and are not gonna refer to say, the A-10 Thunderbolt II as that but as the Warthog).

It gets even worse: "He also had a big sword resting on his shoulder with huge gaping teeth on it." Wtf? They know what Eldar are, what Guardians are and what a Starcannon is but a chainsword is something alien (pun semi-intended) to them?

“MARINE LOOK OUT” is not something i'd see one of them shout, leave out the "Marine" part or make the Adept in question introduce himself, or refer to his Chapter. I guess, the classic "Look out, Sir" might work too. ;)

"The guardian was wielding a spear that shined like Empa III’s twin moons as they rose.": Love it! Awesome reference, really helps the text get some flavour.

You story does have potential. Clean it up, make it make some more sense, maybe take some of my comments to heart, perhaps add some more background to the members of the squad and it'll be just fine. Oh, and definitely a couple more references that work as well as the one about the spear and the moons.

I'd probably just give you a 3, but in it's unclean version...

Rating: 2,5/5

29-05-2005, 22:35
Thanks for the help. Im working on a second chapter right now and it follows the space marines all the way up to the fight with the guardians. I made the changes . If youd look over it I would apreciate it.

05-06-2005, 21:35
Ok, still some bitching. :p

"Stout caught a glimpse of a pistol holstered on his side. It was bigger that any laspistol so it must have been a boltpistol. He also had a Chain Sword."

Personally, i'd make him recognize the bolt pistol right away. He's a sergeant (it's still speeled wrong a couple of times ;)) so he's been in the army for quite some time right? He'd surely recognize it.

Also, i'd write chainsword without capital, that makes it look plastic, fake. It makes you remember this is all just fiction. Oh, and when you talk about him from the storyteller point of view, you should refer to him as Thriven, not Stout. Stout is his nickname, it should only be used when others are talking to him or as a characteristic reference.

Calling Eldar Guardians 'grunts' doesn't work, you'd think they were human. Xenos, Eldar or whatever else would be better and clearer.

And don't you spell it Leeroy instead of Leroy? The latter sounds like French for 'The King' (Le Roi).

I still like it though, do post more.