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GraveHound
10-10-2010, 22:50
Hi dear readers,
on the next pages you'll find some of my short stories (If I make 'em to long you'll never read them anyway)

The stories will be about a Mercenary band called 'the straitjackets'
but before I'll post the stories I'll be posting my character Bio's. There will be a total of 10 main characters and the stories will be told from their point of view.

C&C is highly appreciated!
If I do something wrong, or you have questions feel free to post (but be polite)
enjoy;

GraveHound
10-10-2010, 22:54
Character BIO:
Sikruss - Straightjacket ONE

AGE: 35 standard Terran years
GENDER: Male
HOME PLANET: Gayla Majoris (Forge World)
PREVIOUS OCCUPATION: Imperial Storm Trooper
ROLE: Mercenary band leader, tactical specialist

INFO:
Sikruss grew up in the underhives of Gayla Majoris. To survive in the underhives one must become strong, cunning and ruthless. With life as a constant struggle to survive Sikruss had commited a number of murders in his childhood years.Knowing the only way out of the slums was to join the PDF Sikruss enlisted at age 16, then already and experienced brawler and marksman he only continued to hone his skills. His talent for warfare was so extreme that he was selected to join the Imperial Stormtroopers at the age of 26. Altough the storm troopers are the elite of the Imperial guard Sikruss felt that he couldn't yet reach his full potential. During a reconnaisance mission into enemy territory his squad got ambushed and he became injured by a gunshot to the head, after regaining consiousness he realised that he was alone, half the squad decimated the others had retreated from the enemy assault who had then chased the surviving squad members. Instead of returning to the Regiment he had feigned his death, fleeing the planet in an citizen transport. After meeting Vétie one year later the two of them created the mercenary band 'the Straightjackets' in an ultimate effort of discovering his abilities.

PERSONALITY:
Most of the time Sikruss is a cheerful person but at times he can be melancholic. Always deadly serious when in battle he refuses arguments to his descissions and expects his commands to be obeyed to the letter. Altough the 'leader' he sees every member of the team as his friend. He likes women a lot and always tries to hit on the female members of the team, altough it seems that none of them are interested in his advances he doesn't give up hope and keeps trying to get them into his bed. He doesn't like bringing up his past.

LOOKS & GEAR:
A rather handsome looking man of average size with ash blonde hair, usually gelled back. Always clean shaven except for his sideburns. Sikruss has a small scar above his left eye in the shape of a vertical cut, the wound has never healed completely and sometimes begins to bleed without apparent cause. He received this injury from fighting his childhood friend after a silly argument about a girl. His best friend drew a knife and unfortunatly Sikruss had to kill him, a feat wich he has never forgiven himself for. It was after this situation that Sikruss had decided to join the PDF. When deployed on a mission he wears his unique 'Straitjacket' pattern armour just like all the other members of the mercenary band. The obsidian black battle suit is even more high tech. than his former storm troopers carapace armour and much lighter to wear, it gives superior manouvrability but can still deflect all but the most high calibre rounds. Completed with a full series of tools, knives, grenades and ammo clips, the battle suit is designed to feel as a second skin (such as astartes power armour) the suit becomes part of the body and is on some levels meshed with the brain. The Suit is coded with the users DNA and it can only be used by that person alone, should the suit become damaged and the wielder dies then it becomes useless. Sikruss always goes to battle wielding his trusty Hellpistol wich he uses with superb marksmanship. When up an personal with his enemies Sikruss often relies on his force-daggers to get the job done, Sikruss is an experienced knife fighter and his daggers can pierce even the thickest of armour.








Character BIO:
Vétie - Straightjacket TWO

AGE: 54 standard Terran years
GENDER: Male
HOME PLANET: Terra
PREVIOUS OCCUPATION: Merchant
ROLE: Sponsor

INFO:
Vétie grew up as the first son of a senior member of one of the most notable merchant houses on Terra, Being groomed for making business and engaging in politics Vétie had always viewed his life as boring job he couldn't get out of. Despite all the power and innumerable amounts of money he gained he could never find any thrills in the holy city, no mater how much he spent. Then one day he became the target of an assassination attempt by one of the other merchant houses. Vétie survived and discovered that he had rather enjoyed the life or death situation. But what he had enjoyed even more was the plotting of the assassination of the noble lord who had tried to kill him first. Having finally found his thrill he intended to set up a clandestine operation; a mercenary band wich he would Sponsor. The mercenaries would engage in assassinations, kidnapping, warfare, grand theft, espionage, and much more in exchange for heap loads of money (he was a merchant after all). But before organising this band he had to find someone who had experience in such matters to lead the mercenaries in the field. After searching for over three years he finally came into contact with Sikruss Who was by far the best candidate for the job. Although Sikruss leads the mercs in battle Vétie is the financial leader of the straightjackets; He makes good use of his connections and money to gain forbidden weapons and information. The 'straitjacket' pattern battle suit was financed by him also and had cost a massive amount of cash. Vétie had contacted a forge master of Mars he knew from his trade and had requested him to design the armour in secret. The adept had agreed to the deal to test his knowledge in creating a suit to rival even the famed astartes power armour. Aside from obtaining the weapons Vétie is also responsible for the assignment of the other mercenary members. All persons who wish to hire the straitjackets have to deal with informants who are trusted by Vétie himself, The contractors are severly observed to make sure that it is not a set up to arrest the merecenaries. After the contractor has been proven honest they are contacted by Vétie himself to discuss the mission details and payment issues. It is not uncommon for Vétie himself to join the mission, in his younger years he had joined the house guard as a ranking officer for a while and thus had been trained for war. Although not as adept at fighting as the other mercenaries, Vétie is a well trained soldier who is often deployed at the rearguard for the ability of covering his squad members.

PERSONALITY:
A very ambitious and powerful man, he will do anything to obtain his goals. Not considered arrogant but still keen in showing off his knowledge. With a good sense of humour, he often shares in small talk with people he trusts and likes. A connaisseur of fine arts, foods and alcohol he spares no expense in obtaining the most precious and extravagant objects and finest cuisine.

LOOKS & GEAR:
An 'elderly' man with short grey hair, despite his age and wealth he is still very muscular. Having two different eyes (right eye grey and left eye blue) he was originally viewed as mutated at birth but it was later classified as a gene defect. When performing his merchant duties he is often found in elaborate robes fitting of an ancient diety, this is in stark contrast with his straitjacket when undergoing a mission. When going to battle Vétie mostly carries his boltgun but is also know to carry a heavy bolter when the mission asks for it.










C&C appreciated!

GraveHound
11-10-2010, 22:08
The Interrogation




Sikruss entered the room, well... not really a room it was. More like a cell. Square and moist, with a few condensed drops of water losing the fight against gravity and plummeting to their end from upon the cell's ceiling. It was dark inside the chamber with the only source of illumination coming from the street's lumi-globes, entering the cell through a dirty glass window situated near the south wall ceiling. Despite the gloom, Sikruss could still make out the rough stone structure of the chamber walls, upon one of them there was a huge rack and a massive blood-soaked wooden workbench stood in front of it. Upon the rack there hung a number of dangerous looking tools than one would expect to find in a chamber such as this one.Aside from the rack and the bench there was one other piece of furniture present. Sikruss turned his gaze upon his comrade and the half naked fat man (wich was a severe understatement) who sat bounded and blindfolded upon a chair in the middle of the cell which looked liked it could barely contain the weight wich rested atop it.
'Ah... The life of a corrupted merchant can do wonders to one's physical state, or so it seems.' Sikruss stated while walking over towards the immensely obese person.The fat guy spasmed involuntarily with fear upon hearing Sikruss's steel hard voice;
'W-what, what, ... what do y-you want from me?!' the fat man gasped in between breaths.
'In-for-mation...' the other person whispered into the man's ear with a wicked grin upon his face.
Sikruss could clearly see the anticipation written on his companions face and body language.
'G-get this Fraggin' m-madman away from ME!' the fat guy cried; 'Don't you people know who I am?!'
'Oh rest assured my friend, we know EXACTLY who you are.' Sikruss chuckeled; 'It seems you have already made our new friend feel comfortable.'
'Oh indeed.' His companion agreed
'T-this m-mad beast has Fraggin' p-pissed on me! You-you'll be sorry for what you've done after t-this is over, you'll be begging me for-'
'ENOUGH!' Sikruss interrupted; 'Time to explain to you the situation. You see, you're our prisoner now and we want information. And just so you know, we don't give a kroot's ass about how long the reach of your arm is. Now... we'll be asking you several questions about your little on the side clandestine operations and everytime you won't anwser, or I feel you are lying, I'll let Chiaro here gets his way with you. And believe-U-me... You are not going to like it. ...Take his blindfold off.' Sikruss commanded.
Chiairo moved behind the fatso and untied the dirty rag that was painfully pinching his eyes shut. Even in the dark gloom the fat man squinted against the light, cold sweat rested upon his wrinkeled forehead. The man had a look of utter hatred in his eyes but Sikruss could also see defeat. It seemd the man understood the perilous perdicament he was in.In the meanwile Chiaro had walked over to the workbench and had picked up a nasty looking item with wich he was making practising swings in mid-air.
'Tell me your name...'
The fat guy had also noticed the practising swings and decided it was best to coöperate as best as possible; 'Ilanji... Ilanji Deiit. But I guess you already knew that didn't you...'
'Correct, how clever of you.' Sikruss moked; 'But that was an easy question, so you know. Now, tell me all about your illegal weapon business, you know, the one where you sell it all to the Fharid rebels.'
Ilanji thrusted his head towards the ceiling bobbing his head back and forth with tears in his eyes.
'I don't know what you are talking about.' He whispered in a voice that sounded as if he couldn't believe what he had just said.
Chiairo started to chuckle as Sikruss nodded to him. Ilanji started to moan as the mad man advanced upon him. Chiaro momentarilly covered Sikruss's view and he heard an awful muffled scream. When Chiaro moved away from the fat guy Sikruss could clearly see the the blood running from some wound on his body that was hidden by all the rolls of his fat.
'Well then, let's try that again shall we?' Sikruss said as Ilanji kept moaning; 'Tell me where I can find Djiani, the rebel leader!' he demanded.
'Frag you!' the fat man screamed with a mad gleam in his eyes. 'Frag yourself in hell!'
'Hard learner this one.' Chiairo grinned.
'He'll learn eventually... they all do'



The 'interrogation' continued for several hours, to his credit, Ilanji proved a tough nut to crack wich was in contrast with the lifestyle he had led before. It was early morning now and the first rays of the planet's star began to slowly sneak it's way into the prison cell. Before Sikruss there sat a whimpering piece of filth, a bloody puppet wich was now only a former shadow of himself. He had refused to talk for quite a while but he had finally given way under the pressure, if only he had done so sooner there would have been so much more of him left. The man in front of Sikruss could hardly be recognised as the man he had kidnapped a day earlier. Ilanji was a bloody mess, there was not a piece of flesh on his body that wasn't covered in blood and grime. He had endured much; lost an eye and several of his fingers along with both his ears. A number of bones were broken and not one of his ribs was unfractured. Dozens of cuts and wound covered his body and it seemed unbelievable that the man's body had contained so much blood. The floor was littered with blood-clotted tools and pieces of flesh. In the corner of the room stood Chiairo; exhausted but seemingly satisfied. Sikruss had fetched a stool during the torture and was now sitting on it backwards with his arms crossed atop the back and his head resting atop his arms. The fat man had adverted his gaze and the little patches of flesh still visible through the blood on his forehead looked pale indeed. The only sound audible in the room was the constant muffled weeping and moaning of Ilanji and the sharp intakes of breath by a tired Chiairo who also seemed to be covered entirely in blood.
'I've told you everything...' The sound was barely audible.
Sikruss nodded; 'Indeed you did, don't you feel relieved now to have gotten it off your chest?'
'Let me go... PLEASE!' Ilanji wheezed through a blood soaked orifice that used to be his mouth.
'All right, that seems only fair.' he consented.
Lightning fast Sikruss stood up, drew his hellpistol and shot the fatso point blank in the face. With a sizzle and a pop the las round eviscerated the man's head leaving behind a boiling stump of lower jaw loosely attached to the body's neck. The movement was so fast that Ilanji didn't even had the time to flinch.
'Dispose of the body.' Sikruss stated while holstering his still smoking pistol.
'My pleasure boss.'
'We'll assault the rebel's hideout within three hours, be ready.' Sikruss said while leaving the charnel pit that used to be an interrogation chamber. Chiairo had taken a hacksaw from the rack and now stood lumbering in front of the decimated body. The last thing Sikruss heard before closing the metal doors behind him was Chiaro saying;
'And the job continues...'


-----------------------------------------------------------------

C&C appreciated, give it to me straight!

GraveHound
12-10-2010, 21:51
Running Fire





Faso advanced up the corridor. tracer fire suddenly bursted all around him, fired from his adversaries up in the gantries above. As bolt shells chipped huge chunks of rock from the plascrete hallway and las blasts reduced parts of the wall to a molten slag giving it the look of candle wax, Faso was sprinting towards a cross section in the corridor. Although he was receiving covering fire, it seemed that there were just to many rebels trying to pin him and his companions down. It didn't matter much to Faso, His speed of movement was so fast that by the time most of the bullets had reached their goal he was already gone. It was only normal that the rebels had so much trouble getting a clear bead on him, in their eyes he probably looked like a blur. It had taken him a while but Faso had finally gotten the hang of this 'straitjacket' battle armour and he liked it! For the most part of his life he had always trusted upon his astartes power armour and altough he missed it's massive protection capabilities the straitjacket was much lighter allowing him to be much more dextrous. His already gene-enhanced god-like speed was only being improved, bringing his agility to a whole other level. Upon reaching his destination he slided about 5 meters across the floor, throwing himself into cover. He hid safely behind a giant plasteel collumn, temporarily out of view from his enemies above. Poking his head around the edge of the pillar he quickly obsereved his three other companions as they retreated back from view after giving him covering fire; Chayelle's body language spoke of her usual overconfidence in her abilities. Altough he didn't like her smug attitude he had to admit that she was one of the most dangerous persons he had ever met, and that was saying a lot! Almost as fast as him, the former rogue assassin was like a deamonette in battle, he had never even seen a sister of the adeptus sorroritas come even near her level of skill. Next to her crouched on the floor was Eljin, looking attentive as always he had replaced his trademark 'hailstorm' pattern sniperrifle for a weapon more usefull in enclosed locations. the muzzle of his fully-automated 'Enforcer' gun was pointed at a point towards the end of the corridor. Another sweet invention beside the straitjacket, the enforcer gun was basically an upgraded version of the boltgun but with a higher rate of fire, more accurate, increased reach and with a laser-pointed crosshair visible up to 55 meters.
'Tess has really outshone herself with this one.' Faso though when thinking back on all the hours Tess had tinkered with the weapons.
The last of his companions made several hand signals towards him wich he returned with the signal of agreement. Chiaro was the leader of the demi-squad by Sikruss's orders. It didn't really bother Faso taking orders from a human. He had known worse squad leaders than the interrogator, besides all his bad humour and his craggy looks, Chiairo was quite intelligent. Faso could already picture him now, grinning ear to ear inside his battle helmet. Time to start the next phase of the operation; Faso would acces the building's maintenance tunnels and advance towards the rebel leaders's position. In the meanwhile his comrades would lure away the rebels towards the ammo depot, making them think they were trying to blow it up. Without wasting anymore time Faso stood ran down the side corridor, rounding a corner he came upon five enemy guards obviously coming from the gantries above trying to stop the intruder. Before they could even react to Faso's presence he had already loosened two shots from his enforcer pistol; splattering the brains of one of the soldiers all across the hallway wall. The other got shot in the chest, the enforcer's round had little trouble piercing the regulation guard flak armour the rebel carried. Before the 2 casualties had even fallen halfway towards the floor Faso had already advanced upon the other three. Smashing his full weight against a rather frightened looking man he dashed him into the floor, dazing him for several heartbeats. Faso kicked out, Sweeping away the legs of the rebel to his right. Falling badly he could hear the rebel's neck snap. The last remaining soldier still had the guts to fire of a round from his lasgun wich Faso easily avoided. Reaching out with his arm his hand entirely enclosed the rebels head. After applying a little pressure he could feel the skull giving way like an eggshell. With all his contacts eliminated Faso once again started running towards the maintenance hatch. While doing so he made no effort at all to avoid the still dazed rebel lying on the floor. By simply stomping on the rebels midsection, Faso succeeded in pulverizing the man's internal organs. After another thirty seconds worth of sprint through the maze-like passages he finally reached the maintenance hatch. Using his strength he easily pulled the hatch clear, breaking off the locking system. Jumping down onto the ladder he reached out and placed the hatch tightly back into place. Sliding all the way down the ladder, he came down upon the tunnel floor with a light flex of his knee's.
'Jacket one, this is jacket four. I've gained acces to the tunnels.' Faso spoke into his comm.
'Understood jacket four. Proceed with the pick-up plan, you've got about twelve more minutes left I reckon.' came the familiar voice of Sikruss back.
Sikruss and three others were now stealthily breaking into the building's generatorium room, by effectively shutting down the complex's power feed the rebels would be in total disarray. In twelve minutes the power would go off and at that moment he would have to assault the enemy's command post, taking out the leaders body guard and capturing him for questioning. Smiling as he advanced down the cramped tunnel passage Faso thought back about the time he was still a battle brother of the adeptus astartes
'good times... good times...'

kurisawa
14-10-2010, 04:25
Hi GraveHound. I got your PM, and had a bit of time so read through this.

I want to start off by saying that I'm still constantly surprised and impressed with how well non-native speakers can write in English (haha, I hope I haven't just insulted you - you are Belgian, right?). I did notice you spelt "which" wrong a couple of times though. Also, you are getting some past tenses of verbs wrong. Actually, you are doing it right (we call it a "good error") by adding -ed for past tense, as that is the standard rule in English. The problem is our stupid language has loads of irregular verbs which don't follow that rule. :eyebrows:

I don't want to go nit-picking on grammar errors though. You can go through it with a spell-checker later.

For the content, I'm still a bit mystified by your gang. It seems they are mercs, and the first short piece shows that they are pretty nasty mercs - willing to do anything for a buck. However, you have an ex-marine AND an ex-assassin with them? :confused:

For one thing, I don't think you can retire from either the marines or the collegia assassinorium (or whatever it's called). Second, they seem to be the last kind of people to join up with nasty mercs. Assassins join up with inquisitors, and I remember in the (now ancient) Inquisitor War books a marine who has lost his battle-brothers temporarily joins a retinue, so maybe you want to make your paymaster character an inquisitor instead? I don't know how this will affect your plans for plot.

Alternatively, you can still have badass characters but just don't make them marines and assassins - who are kind of the ultimate warriors of ALL humanity :eek:. There are all sorts of martial training programmes, and I expect your paymaster can get access to certain bio-enhancement tech. Also, there are lots of death cult "ninja" style sects in the Imperium.

This goes for the special armour, too. It's a bit hard to buy that it is better than astartes power armour, which is supposed to be the best the Imperium can make.

By the way, you do know that a straightjacket is one of those things patients in mental hospitals are forced to wear, with the arms that tie up round the back, right? :confused:

I guess with the bios, too, there is a bit of "Mary Sue" creeping in. I am always on alert for this when I read something like, "He graduated youngest in his unit with the best scores". So, my advice is to tone all the super-powers down a bit and focus more on their personal characteristics.

As for the stories, there's not much to go on yet. I'd say you have a nice, fast style, some nice description and can build a scene ok. I'm not sure why you put the speech in different colours, though. Also, I'd review your paragraphing.

That's all for now. Hope it helps. As ever, it is just one reader's opinion, so feel free to take or leave any or none of it. :)

K.

GraveHound
14-10-2010, 18:19
Hi GraveHound. I got your PM, and had a bit of time so read through this.

I want to start off by saying that I'm still constantly surprised and impressed with how well non-native speakers can write in English (haha, I hope I haven't just insulted you - you are Belgian, right?). I did notice you spelt "which" wrong a couple of times though. Also, you are getting some past tenses of verbs wrong. Actually, you are doing it right (we call it a "good error") by adding -ed for past tense, as that is the standard rule in English. The problem is our stupid language has loads of irregular verbs which don't follow that rule. :eyebrows:

I don't want to go nit-picking on grammar errors though. You can go through it with a spell-checker later.

For the content, I'm still a bit mystified by your gang. It seems they are mercs, and the first short piece shows that they are pretty nasty mercs - willing to do anything for a buck. However, you have an ex-marine AND an ex-assassin with them? :confused:

For one thing, I don't think you can retire from either the marines or the collegia assassinorium (or whatever it's called). Second, they seem to be the last kind of people to join up with nasty mercs. Assassins join up with inquisitors, and I remember in the (now ancient) Inquisitor War books a marine who has lost his battle-brothers temporarily joins a retinue, so maybe you want to make your paymaster character an inquisitor instead? I don't know how this will affect your plans for plot.

Alternatively, you can still have badass characters but just don't make them marines and assassins - who are kind of the ultimate warriors of ALL humanity :eek:. There are all sorts of martial training programmes, and I expect your paymaster can get access to certain bio-enhancement tech. Also, there are lots of death cult "ninja" style sects in the Imperium.

This goes for the special armour, too. It's a bit hard to buy that it is better than astartes power armour, which is supposed to be the best the Imperium can make.

By the way, you do know that a straightjacket is one of those things patients in mental hospitals are forced to wear, with the arms that tie up round the back, right? :confused:

I guess with the bios, too, there is a bit of "Mary Sue" creeping in. I am always on alert for this when I read something like, "He graduated youngest in his unit with the best scores". So, my advice is to tone all the super-powers down a bit and focus more on their personal characteristics.

As for the stories, there's not much to go on yet. I'd say you have a nice, fast style, some nice description and can build a scene ok. I'm not sure why you put the speech in different colours, though. Also, I'd review your paragraphing.

That's all for now. Hope it helps. As ever, it is just one reader's opinion, so feel free to take or leave any or none of it. :)

K.


thnx for the info man! appreciate it a lot, now I know what to change and such but just a few things I want to clarify;

- No I have not been insulted (I see it as a compliment ^^ )

- secondly I must say that the ex-assassin part wasn't entirely thought through but I really want the astartes to be in it. Still have to write the bio but basically he's from a chapter that has turned chaos while wanted to stay loyal and so he escaped. But maybe I still have to work things out...

- Also never said the armour was better than power armour, just better better carapace armour and lighter than power armour, the marine recently got used to it and likes it, but it's not really better of course

- Yes I do know what a straitjacket is but that didn't stop me to use the term, I think it sounds awesome (personal opinion of course)

- Don't worry, main characters BIO is the only one so elaborate, the other characters will have lives that were totally 'Fragged' up

- I agree the paraphrasing could do better and I have absolutely no idea why the speech is in different colours (to indentify the speaker? maybe) does it bother you to read it like that?

So thanks again for the usefull info, I'll try to work on my spelling
laterzzz

(PS Maybe I'm asking for a lot here but I also have another fluff thread, maybe you could have a quick look? just so you know, it's a bit longer
-> http://www.warseer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274984 )

kurisawa
18-10-2010, 00:31
thnx for the info man! appreciate it a lot, now I know what to change and such but just a few things I want to clarify;

It's really my pleasure.

- secondly I must say that the ex-assassin part wasn't entirely thought through but I really want the astartes to be in it. Still have to write the bio but basically he's from a chapter that has turned chaos while wanted to stay loyal and so he escaped. But maybe I still have to work things out...

Well, that's possible. There are the Red Corsairs, who are marines that have basically gone pirate but not entirely Chaos. There was one ex-wolf marine in the Ultramarines novel Black Sun, Dead Sky. I think you'll have to lose the "wanted to stay loyal" bit if he is going to join nasty mercs, though. Also, be aware it will upset the power-balance in your team. Marines are basically super-human in every way. This astartes will probably be able to achieve more than your whole team put together. Think of a psychopathic ogre helping out some halflings :eek:.

- Also never said the armour was better than power armour, just better better carapace armour and lighter than power armour, the marine recently got used to it and likes it, but it's not really better of course

Ok. Seemed superior to power armour from the description.

- Yes I do know what a straitjacket is but that didn't stop me to use the term, I think it sounds awesome (personal opinion of course)

Cool. As long as you know what image the reader will thinking of.

- I agree the paraphrasing could do better and I have absolutely no idea why the speech is in different colours (to indentify the speaker? maybe) does it bother you to read it like that?

It's just not normal, so stands out and distracted me. The goal of great writing is to draw the reader into "suspension of disbelief" - basically get them to forget that they are reading a story written by someone, and just fall right into the story. Anything that distracts the reader and reminds them they are looking at words on a website is not helpful for this. Quotation marks (",") are the normal way to show speech. You can have your own convention if you like, though.

So thanks again for the usefull info, I'll try to work on my spelling
laterzzz

Heh. :p