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traitor_dice
10-01-2011, 09:20
Just something I spent today writing, not sure whether its any good or worth continueing and wondered what everyone thought.

Chapter 1
Dirt. Dirt and blood, all he could taste.
As he opened his eyes he again found the two same things.
Dirt and blood.

Painfully he dragged himself upright into a kneeling position, planting one hand firmly on the cold, muddy ground. His ears were still ringing, but his vision was clearing. Ahead he could see a large rockcrete barricade, with dozens of men in flak uniforms cowering behind it. Beyond that was nothing but an eerie mist and a few scattered bodies spread through the bleak no-man's land.

"Trooper, you hurt?"

He turned his head to the side, discovering he was not the only one to have risen from the mud.
To his left was a gaunt looking man in fatigues and flak armour, with a red cross on the right shoulderguard of his armour, along with a collection of various medical paraphenalia on his backpack.

"no sir, just out of it. what happened?"

"Enemy started dropping shells on us, frakkers must have guns somewhere in the square further
up. only fired a few before they came up on foot, mostly human, ugliest bastards I ever saw, but a
few men reckon they saw something bigger just out of sight, hidin' in the fog."

The medic began moving to dress the wounds of a nearby guardsman who seemed to have taken a round to the shoulder. "You still got your weapon trooper? I'd bet it's gonna get loud again here real soon."

The trooper looked about, but couldn't seem to find his lasgun. it must have been hurled somewhere in the distance when the shell hit. "Don't worry, take his" said the medic, gesturing to a dead man at the edge of the crater. "He ain't gonna be needin' it. Get back to the barricade quick, or the sarge
will have you on frontline for the next push." Taking the Medic's advice, he hurried to the corpse, prying the lasgun from the dead man's grip before rushing back to the barricade, nearly slipping
over in the mud twice as he did.

Reaching the barriade, he got into position next to a rather grumpy looking man holding a plasma gun. "so, enjoy your nap?" Sneered the plasma gunner. "yeah, it was the longest time I've had
without listening to you complain in the last 3 weeks." Laughed the trooper as he checked the lasgun over. Realising the charge pack was fried, he pulled another from his webbing, jamming it into place before settling down on the hard ground. "Good to see your sense of humour isn't damaged Haxtes."
It was going to be a long day.


It had been around 7 terran hours since Haxtes had returned to the Barricade, and he'd been stuck in the same spot ever since. throughout the day he and Daniels had played a few games of heretic's
wake when the sarge wasn't looking, but even that hadn't stopped them almost wishing the enemy would do something.
It was getting late in the afternoon, about 15:00 terran when the were two sharp signals from the command chimera, followed by a voice backed with static. "Attention soldiers of the 3rd. We have orders from regimental command to advance 6.7 kilometres to establish a new position just outside the St Grisious square. It is expected that this is an enemy artillery
position, and will be defended accordingly. we are to then await further orders, pending preparations for a linked attack from multiple directions into the square."
As the transmission ended the guardsman began gathering various gear, stretching as they rose from firing positions long held behind the barricade.
The regular guardsman and veterans began boarding chimeras, but for conscripts like Haxtes, it meant a long and dangerous footslog to the next objective. since the regiment was somewhat under equipped, only the more experienced and valued squads got transports.

"I'll be thinking of ya while I'm riding in my nice warm chimera Haxtes." yelled Daniels over the roar of the chimeras as he headed to board. Haxtes groaned before heading over to the huddle of conscripts forming over on the side of the road.
Both sides were cluttered with bombed out buildings, some of which were completely unrecognisable. They walled the road into a sort of canyon, meaning anyone walking down the road was exposed and forced into one direction.
"Hey guys, I've got an idea" yelled Haxtes over the din of squabbling conscripts. various voices yelled out insults and a few even threatened him, but he ignored the undisciplined few and continued. "Rather than freeze our asses off walking through this wind, and walking down the road where emperor knows what is gonna shoot at us, maybe we should try heading through the hab blocks?"
For a moment the mob quietened as they breifly considered his proposal. "What'd sarge say?" called one of the conscripts. "Dunno, haven't seen him since this morning, has anyone else?"
again the mob descended into a mass of shouting and arguement over the sarge's whereabouts, and after a few minutes the general consensus was that he must have been killed in the first attack of the day and died an honourable death. After this the group began to head off toward the massive doorways, while hurriedly avoiding the chimeras speeding down the road, into the distant fog.

Haxtes was one of the first into the building. The doors had already been broken in by an unknown force, and the lobby was a mess of debris and administration paperwork. There was a row of elevators across the back wall of the room, with an office setup to the left. To the right was a broad stairwell that led upward into darkness, lit by the occasional patch of blue-grey light from the overcast sky outside. A few of the more naive soldiers headed to the elevators, expecting an easy ride upstairs. The more intelligent or experienced men headed for the stairs and began climbing.
It looked like the place had been abandoned for quite some time. there was occasionally a huddled figure found beneath an old dirty copy of Laud Hailler, but no one was sure whether they were alive, and for the most part no one was going to risk checking.
After climbing the first few floors they began moving horizontally through the hab blocks, careful to check for hostiles hidden in the many apartments as they passed. the only sounds were their footsteps and the sound of water running somewhere distant. every now and then they would reach a point where a corridor was impassable, such as where the floor above had caved in. since conscripts weren't issued any explosives, this meant they would have to backtrack to the last junction and find an alternative route, which was extremely time consuming.

As they rounded a corner at one of the junctions just after having exited from a narrow maintenance corridor, everything went oddly quiet, and all Haxtes could hear was his own breathing. Instantly everywhere lasguns were shouldered and chargepacks checked, each man looking to either side of him nervously.
A conscript from the back of the group called out "Hey, anyone else notice that?" Before anyone could even answer there was a hellish screaming noise and the head of the man who had spoken exploded in a shower of skull fragments and gore. Already some were turning and fleeing back into the corridor. They couldn't get through the narrow space fast enough however, and they began to drop as even more exploded in various ways.
"Bolt shells! Get in cover you frakkin' idiots!" Cried one conscript as he ran toward an apartment door. Haxtes followed, glancing up the corridor as he did. Further up the corridor he saw a large figure. He wasn't sure what it was, but it was damn big, and had an odd, elongated head. It walked oddly, legs bent with a hump on its back. Haxtes looked around the apartment he was in. The room was pretty much just an average hab with a sleeper and small storage space, with various clutter around the floor. Haxtes was alone in the room, aside from one other guardsman, who was looking around the room wildly for cover or any other useful items.
Haxtes peered out the doorway. to his left was the remaining guardsmen, who were being mown down by the bolter fire. Across the hall a small group of guardsmen were hiding in the opposite apartment, adopting a similar strategy to Haxtes.
Looking to his right he froze. The thing at the end of the corridor was advancing. As it passed into a pool of light from a nearby illuminator he saw Dark brown plates of power armour. it may once have been black, but blood and other filth seemed to cover the surface. The armour itself was covered with tattered scraps of cloth and paper covered in unholy symbols and scriptures and had various faces and sigils carved into it. The helmet was a single flat plate with horns protruding both sides and a fanged maw where the air intake should have been.

Haxtes ducked back into the apartment, calling to the other guardsman "Its a frakking astartes! a frakking traitor astartes!" The other guardsman looked at him coldly, before returning to his search of the apartment. "I know. Tell me, is it a walker or a jumper?" Replied the man cooly, pulling books from a nearby shelf. "A what?" cried Haxtes, unsure whether the man knew what was going on. "Does it have a big humped back, or just a small backpack?" The guardsman rephrased calmly.
"A hump I think." answered haxtes."Ok, do me a favour and wave this out the door" Said the guardsman as he passed Haxtes a piece of cloth. "why?" "Just do it"
Haxtes took the cloth in one hand, looping it over the barrel of his lasgun and waved it out the door.
Haxtes cringed back, expecting the lasgun to be knocked from his hands by a bolt shell, but nothing happened. Haxtes looked at the other man, puzzled. "See, the Jumper ones sometimes go blind, not sure why. Thats why that other guy took a round to the head as soon as he started yelling." explained the other man. "what I say we do, is stay here real quiet, then once it passes try attacking it from behind." "but how do we kill it? lasguns aren't gonna get through that."
"Easy, with this" The man grinned, holding up a detpack. " My name is Forbes by the way, who the frak are you?" "Ixion Haxtes, and Forbes, your plan is great and all, but where'd you get that?" Said Haxtes, gesturing to the detpack. "I "borrowed" it from the command chimera. Now that we're clear on that, lets see what our friend is up to."
Peering out the door Haxtes and Forbes could see the traitor marine was nearly even with their doorway. Across the hall the surviving guardsman were all taking aim at it. Haxtes desperately mouthed to them "hold fire." But they looked at him confused for a moment before shaking their heads and opening fire, full auto on the marine's flank. It spun to it's right and it's chainsword buzzed to life. Before Haxtes could move Forbes flung the detpack through the door after it and was dragging him down the corridor by his collar. They rounded the next corner and slumped to the floor as they heard a dull thump and felt the building around them shake.

C&C appreciated :)

eyescrossed
10-01-2011, 11:22
I'm liking the imagery that comes with the writing. There's a few niggling spelling and grammar issues, specifically with the dialogue (oh, and how does Haxtes know about Traitor Marines? If it's not a plot device, then it doesn't make too much sense) but other than that it's quite good!

I'm looking forward to the next chapter :)

Jaraknarn
11-01-2011, 08:25
Yes, looking forward to more, but do try and remember that although we know everything about chaos and traitors and ruinous powers, the general population is in the dark. Thats where a lot of fan fictioners fall down, having conscripts and civilians knowing the difference between slaaneshi and khorne cultists. But ur guy hasn't shown too much forbidden knowledge just yet. If its not a pllot device just consider toning back his info.

Other than that, brill, great writing, but just just remember, u start a new line when a new person speaks, ei

"hi" said blahblah
"hello" said blehbleah
"wats up?" said blahblah.

Yer u get the idea. Lets see more, i wanna know wats goin on

traitor_dice
11-01-2011, 14:57
thanks for the feedback.

without going into too much depth, bolt weapons are a reasonably common sight in the imperium, definitely not as common as a lasgun, but they're used by arbites, which are found on most settled imperial worlds. hence i think its acceptable for a guardsman to recognise them. also, covering both bolt weapon recognition and recognising/knowledge of traitor marines, these characters have been fighting chaos for the past 3 weeks, and could easily have seen traitor marines and bolt weapons in action.

next chapter probably once I get back from my holiday on the 20th.

eyescrossed
11-01-2011, 15:17
But will they know what Chaos Space Marines are? The officers won't tell them (they probably don't have contact with officers anyway), and they aren't going to hear about it from other regiments (since their officers won't tell them and so on), and even if they have seen Space Marine propaganda before... Well...

Unless they're recent Renegades, it might take some thinking. Different marks of armour and such.

The main thing is that they might think that they're Space Marines, but they'll be having doubts. I mean, Space Marines are the holy angels of death, their amazing power harnessed by the Imperium against the heretics and xenos that would try to take their freedom away.


TL;DR: To them, Space Marines are uncorruptable.

traitor_dice
11-01-2011, 15:28
so what? command says "see these funny looking marines? they're bad, so kill them, even though they're marines."

your own point about them having doubts further compacts this, since if they doubt the angels of death are trying to kill them, or are traitor, it means that command would have to give an even better explanation for why they're fighting them, and if they're fighting the marines that are supposed to be on their side, the obvious conclusion is that the marines are traitors, since they're unlikely to conclude that they themselves are traitors. the very fact that they're fighting marines disproves their belief that they're uncorruptable. as for how much they know about chaos marines, afaik there isn't actually any hard and fast rule about how much, if anything imperial citizens and guardsman are told about events such as the heresy, and how much they're told may even vary depending on where they're from and whether they've served elsewhere or fought them previously, thoughof course that aspect is invalid when concerning most conscripts.

sure, they aren't gonna know who nurgle is, but they can probably tell what a traitor marine is, especially if they've been fighting them already, especially since most citizens are warned by the imperial ecclesiarchy of the dangers ofchaos, at least to some degree but again varying depending on homeworld, location etc.

eyescrossed
11-01-2011, 15:35
Command won't tell them that. They don't need to. The Guard die either way if they don't fight, either being shot by the higher-ups or shot by the enemy. It was the same in the world wars; some of the battles had troops on one or both sides deliberately missing, because they knew they had to fight or be executed, even if they didn't want to fight or had doubts. That's the whole point of the army; following orders unquestioningly.

Also, sources. AFAIK your average Imperial citizen doesn't know anything about Chaos.

traitor_dice
11-01-2011, 15:49
yeah, but regardless eventually they're gonna have to tell them why the hell they're fighting space marines

Jaraknarn
11-01-2011, 16:27
yes, i think this is key, if u explain y they know, and or if theyve worked it out for themselves, it will be ok. Just dont leave it un-addressed as, as u can see, people feel really strongly about this.

But just to add another point regardless of the unquestion troops and just following orders. The imperial ecclesiarchy would do everything in its power to suppress any wide spread knowledge of chaos. The surests way to cement loyalty to any cause or religion is to remove all other options. If the gen pop knows about chaos and false gods, then the chance of them getting curious is increased one hundred fold. If they've never known anything other than their glorious god emperor resplendant on his holy golden throne with his mighty shiney angels of destruction holding back a nebulos evil, then of course they worship the emperor, what else is there? Why would u not?

traitor_dice
20-01-2011, 12:38
...maybe because they'd get just a bit suspiscious when said angels of destruction tried to kill them.....

Jaraknarn
20-01-2011, 12:50
My point exactly, they could only make that leap if they experienced enough to generate some reasonable doubt.

eyescrossed
20-01-2011, 14:13
My thoughts exactly.

Disregarding that tiny issue, it's a good story so far.

Inquisitor Kallus
20-01-2011, 19:14
Nice work Traitor Dice. Few little spelling mistakes, nothing that cant be easily fixed with a simple pass through spell check. Also the use of numbers in speech instead of words stating what the number is such as 'six point seven kilometres' instead of ' 6.7 kilometres',...I dont know, maybe thats just me as I don't read enough to make an 'educated opinion'. Theres an awful lot of Fraks, althought this does lend slightly to its almost commonplace soldier/Band of Brothers like feel. And the Band of Brothers feel is in no way a bad thing in itself. Can't wait to see more

eyescrossed
21-01-2011, 03:35
Warseer really needs a Like button.

Jaraknarn
21-01-2011, 04:38
nah, we had a whole thread about it, there was a collective decision that it would add very little and not encourage people to post meaningful things, the whole point of a forum is discussion, haha, i cant remember which thread it was in, but it wasn't too long ago, maybe the future of warseer? Or something similar?

eyescrossed
21-01-2011, 04:50
Oh, okay. I'll go check that out.

Kinda-not-really on topic, this thread has convinced me to write my own fanfiction.

Jaraknarn
21-01-2011, 05:01
sweet, go for it!

eyescrossed
21-01-2011, 05:16
Thanks for the encouragement :)