View Full Version : Space Jaws! *They're gonna need a bigger starship*

21-04-2011, 21:03
Inspiration hits at odd times and in odd ways, but hey, I just go with the creative flow... This is a short story inspired mostly by SNL's Land Shark series, ie the first and best skit of it. With a check on info from IA 10, and a sideways reference to an old war joke, and I'm done!

Now, I've never tried writing fanfic before, and apologies to all the Ork fans for not knowing how to write Orks' speech too well. This is my best, and first attempt, so I hope everyone enjoys! If not, C&C welcome too!


BTW, how do I go about linking to this in my sig with the link title being 'Space Jaws! They're gonna need a bigger starship...' ?

*** Space Shark! ***

Story Setting: Interior of an Ork Terror Ship, name unkown

*** Part One. ***
Location: An Ork is kicking Grots at an airlock door...

Ork: Hur Hur Hur. [goes to kick another Grot when there's a series of bangs from the other side of the airlock]

Ork: Hur? [eyes airlock door for a moment. Soon, another series of bangs issues from the airlock door on it's own]

Ork: Oi! 'ooz there?

[from behind door] Metallic voice: Space Shark.

Ork: [scratches head] Space Shark? Hur?

Metallic Voice: Galactic Postal Service.

Ork: [surprised, then suspicious] 'ey now. I didn't order nuthin offa Orkbay...

Metallic Voice: Flowers.

Ork: [yells at door] We don't want no flowers, ya stupid git! [Kicks a grot at the door] Yooz gotz the wrong ship! Take 'em to that blue beaky ship a sector back we just stomped good! Hur hur hur!

Metallic voice: Pizza.

Ork: [stops kicking grots and eyes the door] Hmmmm. Pizza? What kind o' pizza?

Metallic voice: Pepperoni and squig.

Ork: [claps his hands and heads to door] Alright! Now yer talkin. 'bout time, too.

The ork opens the door, at which point he gets eaten by what looks suspiciously like an angry and impatient Space Marine Terminator...

*** Part Two. ***
Location: An ork pain-dok's 'medical bay', where a pain-dok is standing over the remains of an Ork.

The Ork Warboss enters, and stomps over to the Pain-Dok...

Warboss: [glares at Pain-Dok] This better be good, I was lookin' at Orkbay...

Dok: [pulls hisself straight and still can't look the 'boss in iz eye] Wez got a problem, boss.

Warboss: Ya, I figurred that. [looms over Dok] Now, wot iz it??

Dok: [tries to remain calm] This boy got himself killed eatin' a pizza!

Warboss: [glare now gets a bit murderous] and wotz that got to do with me?

Dok: [fidgets] Well, look for your self, Boss... [points to dead Ork on table, which is missing from the belly up]

Warboss: [looks at Ork for a few moments, then back at Dok] Pizza, huh? [the Dok nods frantically]

Warboss: Yellin' at the toppa 'iz lungs] You stupid git! You can't tell me he got hisself eaten by a pizza!

Dok: [cowering] Umm... no?

Warboss: [picks up the Dok by the neck, brings him up close to 'iz eye, and yelling even louder] NO! He musta been hit by one o' dem Space Sharks...

Dok: [shaking] Uh... Space Shark??

Warboss: [nods and continues with an evil grin] Yeah... they're a legend among some o' da 'oomies, like ghosts that murder and all that's left is a pool of deyz enemies blood... [laughs] almost as much as us! They think they're kunnin' too, but I don't think they can out smart us Blood Axes...

Dok: [relaxes a bit] So... uh, you gonna go stomp 'em? Cuz.. uh, I got.. uh, work...

Warboss: [looks at Dok, drops him to the floor, kicks him across the bay and laughs] Oh yeah, it's stompin' time, alright...!

Warboss exits, still laughin'. The Dok sighs with relief....

*** Part Three, Finale. ***
Location: Command Deck of the Ork Terror Ship, Warboss getting the boyz worked up for a good fight...

Warboss: ...and let's show these dumb Sharks what they can do with they're stupid 'oomie pizza, too!

Boyz: [all but one cheers and fire their guns into the ceiling for a couple o' minutes]

Boy: But, Boss, I can't swim... 'ow am I gonna fight these Sharks?

Warboss: [Yells] WOT! Haven't yooz been listenin'??? [walks over to Boy and yells in 'iz face] You don't gotta swim yoo stupid git! They're walkin around our stinkin ship right now! [at which point he takes his Slugga and puts some dakka into the Boy until he falls in a heap]

The Warboss and the boyz have a good laugh, which gets cut off by a series of bangs on the door. The boyz fall silent, and as one turn to watch the Warboss, some with big toothy grins. The Warboss has the biggest grin of all, though, as he walks over to the door.

Warboss: [speaking to door] Oi, hooz there?

Metallic Voice: Space Shark.

Warboss: Space Shark, eh? You the only one out there, Shark-boy?

Metallic Voice: Pizza. And yes, I'm all alone out here with your pizza...

Warboss: No, I think you're a Space Shark, 'pizza-boy'.

Metallic Voice: Orkbay delivery.

Warboss: Yeah right! [Warboss starts laughin, at which point the boyz join in] You're just one of them Space Sharks. You really think one o' yooz has a chance?

Metallic Voice: If I were a Space Shark, yes.

Warboss: [holds his gut as he roars with more laughter] Oh ho! So one Space Shark could take me an' my Boyz, eh? [grins at boyz, and puts his hand on the door release button, at which point the Boyz tense up for a fight] And if you aren't really a Space Shark, what would ya be?

Metallic Voice: Actually, sir... I'm more of a beaknose-dolphin.

Warboss: Dead, too ya stupid dolphin!

The Warboss releases the door, the Boyz charge in, but not in time to save the Warboss as he gets chomped on by a big, grey Space Shark...

*** Epilogue. ***
Location: Some random hiding place in the Ork Terror Ship.

Two Orks, one of them a Nob from the Warboss's bodyguard, are looking out for Space Sharks, very nervously...

Boy: So then he ate the Boss?

Nob: Yeah! [disgusted look] Never thought he'd o' gone down that easy. If I had, I woulda been Warboss!

Boy: [Shakes his head in disbelief] All of us dyin' to just one of these Space Sharks??

Nob: No, that git was lyin'... there's two of 'em.

*** END. ***

21-04-2011, 21:09
Haha, quite amusing, anyways go to User CP, click on edit Signature, type the title, highlight it and click on the little icon above the text box looks like a segment of chain... That's the link button ;)

21-04-2011, 21:38
Glad you got a laugh out of it Castellan Ash, and thank you for the info, too! As you can see, I put it to good use!


EDIT- I'll proofread after I finish my pizza. I was hungry while writing it, and the pizza lines ironically made my mind up as to what I was going to make. Fiction begets truth? Oh well, I won't die to this pizza... ;)

21-04-2011, 21:40
yeah it was great