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Bmaxwell
01-06-2005, 00:14
this is the start of a story that is a prequel to a much large movie script I am wirteing called "Faith" haven't figured out what to call this so if you guys have suggestions and comments please put them

The wind blows, tree’s move, leaves fall

And I see the pattern.

I have found him

The ascendant

The record screams like the vinyl is being torn apart. Lance goes to the player and takes what’s left form the record player and holds it in his hands. The room is moist and dark and warms much like a vital organ. He looks ate the candles. He realizes that he has been in the room for days maybe a week the wax has dripped to the floor and has made mounds of red wax he looks at the candles with a strong glare and a slight sparkle of white light in his mind and the candle goes out he shuts the door.

Walking to the edge of the window he looks out. He woke up just in time the demolitions are just about to take place he grabs his cane. While having a strong physique the strain on his mind comes out and toils on him like a slow dripping faucet. He looks out and sees that no one can see him. Time to go

“All right you can hit it”
the foremen says to the demolitions squad the explosions start to rock the building imploding form the inside out no one sees the man in the window that stands there while the building crumbles

Just as soon the explosion’s come to the room next to lance all that is left is the imprint in the dust form his feet and cane.

He must be found

I know

He’s near you find him then tell me what you find out

Yes mentor.

anarchistica
02-06-2005, 00:18
Worst speller on Portent indeed. :p

Seriously, fix your spelling and punctuation mate, it helps. Even adding a handful of comma's will help alot. I would also 'stretch' the record part:

"The wind blows,

trees move,

leaves fall,

and I,

i see the pattern,

i have found him

the ascendant..."

Sort of like that.

And demolition-teams count down from 10, perhaps you could use that too? Like this:

Ten.

The wind blows, tree’s move, leaves fall

And I see the pattern.

Nine

I have found him

The ascendant

Eight

The record screams like the vinyl is being torn apart.

Seven

Lance goes to the player and takes what’s left form the record player and holds it in his hands.

Six

Etc.

Just a suggestion. Another suggestion would be changing the name of the character. Lance is so corny. :p

Aside from that, i'm very much interested in reading more. :)

Bmaxwell
02-06-2005, 04:49
yea i know my spellings really bad this was a spur of the moment story i've been wanting to do thuis stroy for ever and i know what i want to happen but i am really bad at beginings cause i want them to draw the read in. so this was justa brain stronm and i let my fingers dance across the keyboard (as you could tell).

that was my biggest proplem im not sure what to name that guy lance was just a short term name

I want a name that is strong and noble but at the same time old and smooth any idea's?

anarchistica
02-06-2005, 13:55
that was my biggest proplem im not sure what to name that guy lance was just a short term name

I want a name that is strong and noble but at the same time old and smooth any idea's?
Ignore the Kabalarian nonsense and you'll have a very useful listing of 346,860 male names (http://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/surf-by.cfm). I'm sure you can find something there. ;)

Bmaxwell
02-06-2005, 14:40
thank you next section will inculed michelaglo(sp?) or mike as he preferrs to be called