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nevermore
01-06-2005, 11:04
This essay is from the best page in the universe written by a pirate named maddox.


Star Wars Episode III: a steaming pile of Sith. :mad:




I didn't think it was possible to be more unimpressed with Star Wars. Today, I stand corrected. If you were unfortunate enough to hear your stupid co-workers yammering on about Lucas' latest **** burger, you might have heard them saying something like "I didn't like the first two, but this one was good!" When I ask why, these people have trouble responding because it's hard to talk with George Lucas' flaccid penis in their collective mouths. Perhaps the question I should be asking is "why didn't you like the other two movies if you liked this one?" Nothing has changed. You have the same vacant-looking actors running around, aimlessly bumping into things, an army of stupid, sensitive robots, and dialogue clumsy enough to warrant putting a handicap sticker on George Lucas' car.

To Lucas' credit, he was tacitly shamed into not giving Jar Jar any talking lines in this movie. With Jar Jar's character no longer speaking to annoy you, Lucas filled the void by giving every robot in the movie stupid toy noises. So instead of doing something cool like having the robots chase after screaming children, they bitch and moan and say things like "ow" when they get their prosthetic limbs chopped off. Even worse are the idiots who scarf down these sub-childish morsels of comedic relief, playing into Lucas' shallow theatrics so easily that you could sell these people hookers in a vagina storm.

Before I go on, I have to address something that all you stupid Star Wars nerds are probably thinking right about now: "But Maddox, it's a movie made for kids, what do you expect?!" Even Lucas stated in an interview with the BBC that:


"The movies are for children but [the fans] don't want to admit that."
Oh really? It just so happens that this "children's movie" has a scene where a guy gets his hands chopped off, a graphic decapitation, the wanton slaughter of children (the highlight of any movie), and the coolest scene in any space action movie starring Ewan McGregor: Anakin getting his legs chopped off as his stumps catch fire while his face melts. By the way, if you haven't seen this movie yet, don't read the previous sentence.

The most damning thing about this epic waste of time is the piecemeal plot thatched together with just enough good will and nostalgia to pacify the average idiot (i.e., you). Besides all the jedis in the movie being ****** who are unable to detect conspiracies involving the cooperation of thousands of soldiers, Lucas does his best to make this movie extra insulting to our intelligence:



Senator Palpatine seduces Anakin to the dark side in about as much time as it takes for you to finish reading this sentence. Nevermind the fact that Anakin knows Palpatine is a Sith lord before accepting his offer, or that Sith lords are known for doing things like, oh.. I don't know, KILLING MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. Anakin is on a mission to save his wife, Padme, from certain death! Or at least likely death. Okay, it was a dream. But it seemed pretty real during the flashback sequence, so Anakin has no reason not to believe this dream will come true, as is the tendency of dreams.

Near the end, Lucas takes a **** on the script and makes his crew translate it into an ending that putters across the finish line. The product is a scene where Anakin tries to literally choke Padme using the force:



Yes, that's right. The entire reason Anakin switched to the dark side becomes unraveled when he tries to kill Padme, who was the reason he switched to the dark side to begin with. Oops! Of course, Star Wars apologists will try to point out that Anakin was already under the influence of the "dark side" at this point. So that's why the first thing he asks as Darth Vader is whether Padme is safe, right you ******?

Even after pointing out these serious problems with the plot, Star Wars nerds will still try to get you to admit one thing: "you have to admit that the special effects were good, right?"

NEWS FLASH: Episode III had no special effects.

They're not "special effects" anymore when they're found in EVERY SCENE. Lucas has done the seemingly impossible: he has made something that was once so unique that people called it "special" by name, and turned it into something so ordinary that nobody raises an eyebrow during a scene where a guy is having a sword fight on the back of a giant beast. By the way, I have to admit that the creature design was very creative in this episode; modeled after frilled lizards and ticks, Lucas tapped the well of innovation dry on this one. Congratulations Lucas, we don't care about "special" effects anymore.

Speaking of, that reminds me of the character "General Grievous" a bad guy so sinister, his very name stands for PAIN AND SUFFERING. Nice job ********. Tired of thinking up awesome names like "Lord Dooku" and "Nute Gunray" for your bad guys? Why not just call all your characters "Evil" and "Bad" next time? All Grievous needed was a monacle, and a large black moustache that he could twirl as he cackled "I'll get you, if it's the last thing I do!" Ditch this ********. :p

Wraith
01-06-2005, 12:01
Most of it is spot on... one point though --

Anakin force chocked Padme because amongst other things partly he felt she had betrayed him bringing Mr Kenobi with her and then rejected him and his 'plans'. He didn't mean to kill Padme (IMHO) but was violent due to being angry and of course the dark side's influence. At the end he asks after her health because he really didn't know whether she had recovered.

Now this is how I thought it happened but others may have other opinions.

The point about General Grievous's name is spot on.

first_founding
01-06-2005, 12:11
As some people would say: OMG lik pwnage@lukas LOLOLO.

But yeh, most of it is spot on. And you'd think the robot wouldn't have emotions and stuff. Heh, ohwell.

Cheesejoff
01-06-2005, 12:20
Well count Dooku isn't really a good name, it's Dutch for money and he's the head of the separtists, who include the trade federation.

I don't think the film was as bad as he made it out to be, although George has definately toned things down for the younger/stupider audience. The plot, the dialougue, the acting, it's just there to fill in for the lightsaber battles and special effects. It's basically been reduced to mindless entertainment to appease the punters.

athamas
01-06-2005, 13:02
all i wanted to do through that film was hit anakin... he was such an idiot!


for once maddoc has mad some good points!

nevermore
01-06-2005, 13:04
all i wanted to do through that film was hit anakin... he was such an idiot!


for once maddoc has mad some good points!

"for once?" maddox is a god and is always right, just ask him :p

athamas
01-06-2005, 13:08
lol... um.. no...he wont be getting me email addy!

he does say some very stupid things, but he is correct this time!

Kiro
01-06-2005, 16:53
Jesus Christ, what a misanthrope! :eyebrows: :wtf:


So instead of doing something cool like having the robots chase after screaming children

Cool? :eyebrows: I think someone needs to leave the house a little more. It's ******* star wars, not the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What the hell does he expect?


Before I go on, I have to address something that all you stupid Star Wars nerds are probably thinking right about now: "But Maddox, it's a movie made for kids, what do you expect?!"
Oh really? It just so happens that this "children's movie" has a scene where a guy gets his hands chopped off, a graphic decapitation, the wanton slaughter of children (the highlight of any movie), and the coolest scene in any space action movie starring Ewan McGregor: Anakin getting his legs chopped off as his stumps catch fire while his face melts

The original trilogy featured limbs being severed, heads being cut off, and torture. Kids still love them, and the certificates allow kids to see them :rolleyes:

I'm not a Lucas fanboy, and some of them are quite odious, but worse than the Lucas lovers are the self-hating naysayers who slag off anything to do with GL and the new movies. If you like the prequels, watch them whenever you want, if you don't like them, then don't bother. You don't have to go out and annoy the rest of us with your rabid bitching, whether you love the movies or not.

alterion
01-06-2005, 17:03
well that is genius and tripe in about equal measures.. for another insight into the film go http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/ep3spoilers.html

salty
01-06-2005, 17:21
hmm, if he was writing about a) The Phantom Menace, or b ) only Haydn Christensen's acting skills (in Ep II or III) I would agree.

However, he isn't and I don't. As a normal person, and not a fan boy, I can say that Ep III ranks at joint 2nd out of all 6, behind A New Hope, on a parity with Return of the Jedi and ahead of Episodes I, II and V.

The film was enjoyable, the CG effects cool enough, and tehre were some genuinely funny bits (like calling the children "younglings" :D)

Salty :)

Kelroth
01-06-2005, 17:31
He's spot on about those robots, though. Jesus, they all sounded like tacky kid's toys.

I loved the rest of the movie, though. :D

Tenoch
01-06-2005, 18:17
Yet again Maddox has proven himself to be a (insert expletive here)

I can't stand him or his so called "humour"

Although he did write one amusing article about how he can draw better than children.

However 99% of what he writes shows how petty, immature and socially inept he is.

Inquisitor Engel
01-06-2005, 18:32
Madox gets his rocks off by doing this.

He loves Star Wars, and he knows it.

nevermore
01-06-2005, 18:49
Yet again Maddox has proven himself to be a (insert expletive here)

I can't stand him or his so called "humour"

Although he did write one amusing article about how he can draw better than children.

However 99% of what he writes shows how petty, immature and socially inept he is.

Dont dis the pirate king of the world fool!

Maddox is a prophet! :mad:

Commander X
01-06-2005, 18:54
Well count Dooku isn't really a good name, it's Dutch for money *snip*

Just so you know, our word for money is 'geld', not even close to Dooku. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I'll make sure to watch out for funny-sounding droids and strange effects ;)

Kiro
01-06-2005, 19:13
On a pedantic note, I read in Empire magazine that Christopher Lee was told Dooku means poison, though he didn't say in which language...

Cheesejoff
01-06-2005, 19:31
Just so you know, our word for money is 'geld', not even close to Dooku. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I'll make sure to watch out for funny-sounding droids and strange effects ;)

Well ok I was misinformed then. APparently it was a name Georege Luas' kids made up :P

Verergoca
01-06-2005, 19:38
Well ok I was misinformed then. APparently it was a name Georege Luas' kids made up :P

Nope you werent misinformed, Dooku, or Doekoe is dutch slang for money...

The Judge
01-06-2005, 20:04
I'm sorry to say this, but Jar jar did get a line in the final film, and in the extended version of script (that they cut) he has quite lot of dialogue.

Hlokk
01-06-2005, 20:22
I think the guy highlights something though. No matter how good the new films were, they would never be as good at the original trilogy, like how all the new crappy re-makes of things like transformers and inspector gadget never measure up to the originals.

Maddox does talk a lot of crap sometimes, but most of his views on things like feminism, dawn of the dead, immigration, compUSA and killing babies are all spot on. We all know babies are evil ;)

I did find myself hoping 20000 wookies would gun down anakin, and that jar jar binks would get a nice messy ending, but you cant have everything can you?

Arnizipal
01-06-2005, 22:48
http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/ep3spoilers.html
That link is hilarious! :D

"In fact, some believe that the Battle Droids were never intended for combat and are in fact named after their creator, Dr. Sivor Battle, who intended the droids to be purely decorative. "

How very true...

Arnizipal
01-06-2005, 22:50
Nope you werent misinformed, Dooku, or Doekoe is dutch slang for money...
Don't you mean "Dokken" which is slang for "pay up!"?
I've never heard of doekoe before and Dutch is my mother tongue (Hah! Trump that :D )

Kohhna
02-06-2005, 01:28
Don't you mean "Dokken" which is slang for "pay up!"?
I've never heard of doekoe before and Dutch is my mother tongue (Hah! Trump that :D )

I heard he was named after the popular Japanese number puzzle Su Doku, which translates as 'Poisonous evil batchelor', which sums the charachter up to an extent.

Apparantly Lucas agonised for hours in the editing suite over wether to cut or keep Dooku's mysterious last words, rumoured to be add libbed by Lee on set; "OK I was only in it for 2 and a half minutes but at least I got to die on screen in this one and didn't wind up as a bloody DVD extra. See Pete, was that so hard? "

arxhon
02-06-2005, 01:34
"The expression on Heyden Christiansen's face bears all of the anguish of a thousand galaxies. "

LMAO! :D

Kiro
02-06-2005, 01:54
I heard he was named after the popular Japanese number puzzle Su Doku, which translates as 'Poisonous evil batchelor', which sums the charachter up to an extent.


I guess that explains why Lucas pronounces Dooku as Doh-koo on the AOTC commentary...

Ethereal Alpaca
02-06-2005, 11:30
Maddox may be an immature little ****, with the same amount of brain cells as most people have pubic hair, but he got the battle droids right anyway...

Eldacar
02-06-2005, 11:59
While Maddox on occasion turns out something interesting, his opinions mean absolutely nothing to me. I really couldn't care less what he thinks, I don't want his opinions. I'll formulate my own.

Sai-Lauren
02-06-2005, 12:35
"The expression on Heyden Christiansen's face bears all of the anguish of a thousand galaxies. "

LMAO! :D

Rumour has it he didn't have a make up artist, he had a carpenter. :D

Kohhna
02-06-2005, 12:41
Can I just add; to paraphrase roy chubby brown:

Maddox Maddox :wtf: is Maddox?

Arnizipal
02-06-2005, 12:43
Maddox may be an immature little ****, with the same amount of brain cells as most people have pubic hair, but he got the battle droids right anyway...
My quote wasn't from Maddox, it was from the Pointlesswasteoftime-link posted by Alterion.

glimli
02-06-2005, 12:48
it was enjoyable. sure annikin displayed the will power of a starving child faced with ice cream and the wisdom of a gold fish. but it was still all cool.

the jaded people getting all btichy are expecting too much, it isnt mean to ne high art, its entretainemnt for the masses. anywayi f the criteria for a good film franchise is making billions then theyre good films. well at least all us common people who havent read all the variouis books and learnt fluent wooki think so!

Ethereal Alpaca
02-06-2005, 13:22
My quote wasn't from Maddox, it was from the Pointlesswasteoftime-link posted by Alterion.

In Maddox's rant he had a go at the battle droids too-a slightly less good-humoured one, as you might expect.

fracas
02-06-2005, 13:49
pointlesswasteoftime's version of the movie was much better than the actual.

wanderingblade
02-06-2005, 19:20
Shock horror news, man who hated the last five Star Wars films hates the sixth one as well :p

Fairly good article for Maddox, he's more or lost it completely recently, becoming a particularly unfunny self-parody. Still prefer the ruthless review of RotS (http://ruthlessreviews.com/movies/s/sith.html), despite the fact that imo the reviewer's normal ability it lessened by the coursing rage he feels.

The pointlesswasteoftime one is the funniest yet, like it a lot. And someday soon I'll even see if the movie lives up to the entertainment value of its bad reviews :D

Kiro
02-06-2005, 20:45
Still prefer the ruthless review of RotS (http://ruthlessreviews.com/movies/s/sith.html)

Man, what a ******* psycho, this guy has lost the plot.


And if you like it, you deserve a bolt through the head. If you don't like it, then you are with the other 0.04% of the population with a functioning noodle

Ah yes, what brilliant logic :rolleyes:


Like all religions, the Star Wars universe promised nothing more than escapism from the everyday dread of our existence. And, like all religions, it fails, fails miserably as soon as it is called upon to deliver the goods

Yep, I knew it, I just knew it. As I was reading through this I thought to myself, "he's probably one of those self-hating, misanthropic, computer nerds who spend all day online, cursing religion and everyone else not supporting their elitist opinions"
Typical, but still sad.

DisruptorX
02-06-2005, 20:48
it was enjoyable. sure annikin displayed the will power of a starving child faced with ice cream and the wisdom of a gold fish. but it was still all cool.

the jaded people getting all btichy are expecting too much, it isnt mean to ne high art, its entretainemnt for the masses. anywayi f the criteria for a good film franchise is making billions then theyre good films. well at least all us common people who havent read all the variouis books and learnt fluent wooki think so!

:rolleyes:

The fact is that Lucas is selling these movies entirely based on the name recognition of previous movies, that were actually really, really good. The entire point of this recent trilogy was to make as much cash on whoring the star wars franchise everywhere possible.

And no, I do not speak Wookie, and have read a grand total of one star wars book.

wanderingblade
02-06-2005, 20:56
Man, what a ******* psycho, this guy has lost the plot.



Ah yes, what brilliant logic :rolleyes:



Yep, I knew it, I just knew it. As I was reading through this I thought to myself, "he's probably one of those self-hating, misanthropic, computer nerds who spend all day online, cursing religion and everyone else not supporting their elitist opinions"
Typical, but still sad.

Thats ok, I doubt he likes you either. :p

That said, I thought it was fairly evident from my post what sort of humour would be present, why bother clicking?

The pestilent 1
02-06-2005, 21:09
i always found cursing rage kinda funny myself.
maybe thats because ive been there myself, and know what its like or somthing?

Kiro
02-06-2005, 21:15
That said, I thought it was fairly evident from my post what sort of humour would be present, why bother clicking?

Like with Diet Coke, just for the taste of it :p

Ass Goblin
02-06-2005, 23:44
"Oh, wait, no. It appears Obi-Wan has reduced this enemy to a ballerina clothed in a tutu made of its own groinfire"

That site rocks :)

Kohhna
03-06-2005, 00:07
Fairly good article for Maddox, he's more or lost it completely recently, becoming a particularly unfunny self-parody. Still prefer the ruthless review of RotS (http://ruthlessreviews.com/movies/s/sith.html), despite the fact that imo the reviewer's normal ability it lessened by the coursing rage he feels.

Yeah that was pretty funny. This is pure gold;


The only good part of the film was that I saw it at the Arclight in Hollywood and before all their movies they make one of the ushers come out and announce the film you're about to watch. Seriously, they make some poor, underpaid kid get up in front of five hundred strangers and announce, "You're about to watch Blah Blah Blah. Directed by Some Hack and starring....." At the end of their speech, the ushers let us know that if we have any problems with the sound or picture or anything else, to let them know. One from the throngs of deep geekdom that was with me in the theater yelled out, "where do we put our light sabers?" To which my friend answered, loudly, "Up your asses." That was by far the most enjoyable part of the film. By far.