View Full Version : My first new story

Lornak Bloodgreed
22-07-2011, 17:37
I've started working on this story just today and I've only gotten 3 paragraphs (or I would call them paragraphs) done but I'm excited and want some quick feedback on what I am doing right, wrong, and any questions on the story I'd be happy to answer.

The general idea behind my story is for my chaos space marine army in the making the Sons of Guilliman... and yes I have corrupted an entire chapter... muhahahaha

Since Constantius the Liberator fell to chaos, an entire company of the Sons of Guilliman have died fighting chaos, and the chapter I think is in quite a state of paranoia and disheartening grief, that the seeds have been sown to stage the fall of the Sons of Guilliman and make them into something loathing and egotistical. My plan is to concoct a fall to Slaanesh's favor because 1st Captain Dironicus has the seeds of pride, revenge, and compassion sewn in his mind because his brother, Constantius was his brother by blood and now he faces all the worst that the Imperium and the whispers of Slaanesh have to offer.

please bear in mind i did this on wordpad with RTF, so it probably does have some typos and such that this text box doesn't pick up, so please be gentle.

Without further ado, i present the beginnings of my story.

Brothers at War


Long ago when the Ultramarines Legion had conquered much of the Imperium we know today, they had crusaded far and long in the name of the Emperor. Roboute Guilliman, the Ultramarine's Primarch and master, had oversaw one of the most successful expansions of Imperial space of all time and his accomplishments are listed as some of the greatest in humanity's history. The Horus Heresy saw him tested beyond anything he had since been through and in the end, it was a single slash of a sword that sealed his fate. Fulgrim, the Primarch of the traitorous Emperor's Children, slashed the throat of the mighty Guilliman with the very sword Guilliman had crafted for him. Since the betrayal Guilliman has been locked away in a sacred chamber, within the time-stopping confines of a stasis field. There he sits eternal, undying yet in the throes of death. Since that time, there have been betrayals that have shadowed that great evil. Brothers of the same blood who betrayed their brothers, their primarch, and the Emperor, turning into the very thing they fought hardest to destroy. The darkest days come when battle brothers find themselves in the grip of terrible loss, in the throes of merciless hatred, or in the most sinister conflict of ideals. One such day came and would never be forgotten in the hearts of all who bore the blood of Guilliman. The day when his sons fell from grace.

Chapter 1: Sons of Guilliman

The air was thick with tension and the entire hall was almost silent, only the low thrum of the chapter flagship and fortress-monastery, the Legacy could be heard. The master of the vessle and all who served aboard it sat upon a regal throne of pure white marble and blue satin cloth draped over the backing of the royal edifice. The warrior-lord who sat there looked like a king from ancient stories told long ago. His armor was quartered blue and white, adorned with hardened crenallations like castle scoots and studded with brass rivets. His helmet, like his armor, was of an ancient pattern of power armor known as the Mark 3 or "Iron" pattern and it lay comfortably at his side on top of a brass stand. It's mouth grille and brow were studded like his plated chest, shoulders and greaves and was angular as well. The warrior's face was uncharacteristically grim, his brow forced low into a scowl stretching the skin around 3 small brass rivets bolted to his skull. His light blue eyes were illuminated by the glow-globes that lined the vaulted walls and ceiling of the ship's Chapter hall. Banners nearly 10 metres in height hung from silver eagle gargoyles that displayed the greatest victories and the mightiest champions who came before him in the chapter's long history. At the base of the stoop that surrounded the Chapter Master's throne, blue carpeting lined in brass tassles made a path around the chapter's long-table where 6 of the 10 Captains sat with the same discomfort written on their faces. The silence was broken by the Chapter Master himself, his voice was deep and resonated throught the chamber so that all could hear his words. "I have called this gathering to address what has has become of our chapter." His demeanor suggested anger but he was relatively calm as if this issue was soon to be resolved. "Former Brother-Sergeant Constantius of 6th Company and his squad, the "Judicators" have been reported to have overthrown the rebellion and taken leadership of the planet. What is being done about it, must be done and we are not permitted to enter the system or interfere in any way. How can this be possible? Brother-Captain Telusius and the 6th Company are being held by the Inquisition and we are to play host to every manner of Inquisitorial investigator imaginable. How did this happen?"
The Chapter Master stared about at his Captains present as a quartet chapter serfs brought forth a pallet stacked nearly a metre high of all manner of Inquisitional documents stating collectively the situation and how it shall be handled. The Chapter Master's scowl darkened further to disgust as he glanced around the room and took in the reaction from his seasoned Captains. Of the 6 that were present, 4 of the 10 were either detained by duties elsewhere too far to make it to the meeting or in the case of 6th Captain Telusius, detained by the Inquisition along with the 100 battle-brothers under his command. The Captains present had not the will to speak before the Chapter Master who was in such a state. Dishonor, threats of search and seizure, and even threats of Excommunication arose from such a momentus failure on the part of the Chapter. 1st Captain Dironicus stood from his seat resplendent in his own suit of artificed power armor quartered in white and blue like all brothers of the Sons of Guillliman. His two brass studs shined in the light of the hall like the Chapter Master's and his tanned leathery skin shown scars of his triumphs past. Looking the Chapter Master in his eye reflecting the same light blue glow he had, First Captain Dironicus bowed before speaking. "Lord Acresius, it humbles as well as horrifies us all that one of Brother-Captain Helectus' finest sergeants could possibly have fallen to the taint of the Ruinous Powers but I do not believe it was entirely under his control. Couldn't it have possibly been the treachery of the rebels or some form of Chaos trickery that forced his undoing?" Looking away from Lord Acresius' scrutinizing gaze, he put his gauntleted hand upon his chest in the salute to Guilliman. "I have known Constantius personally for decades and he was not a man to break easily, if at all. If his will was broken, than it must have been by some force beyond the mortal plane. This does not change the fact that he must be brought to justice, but I believe the circumstances must be examined thoroughly before we are branded as degenerates." Finishing his piece, Captain Dironicus sat down again in his brazen seat of the First Company. Chapter Master Acresius stood and immediately descended the stoop of his throne and hammered his fist resoundedly on the steel longtable denting it slightly with his blow. Rare have been the times in which any in the chapter have seen Acresius enraged apart from battle and now unfamiliar feeling of unease descended into the ocean of tension surrounding the lords of the chapter.
Acresius had always been a fair man, a warrior borne of combat and educated by the greatest teachers of war and politics but now he seemed to have momentarily thrown off all vestiges of reason and thought, for pure anger. He spoke again with almost venomous contempt; "How do any of us know that you are not tainted by your relation to Constantius. I know he was your brother by blood Dironicus and now that we face a full Inquisitorial investigation, my most senior Captain, my greatest friend, and most trusted advisor is directly related to the fallen son Constantius." Captain Dironicus was nearly stupified by what his Chapter Master threw at him. His Brother-Captains all looked equally stunned and instinctually withdrew from their seats. Not allowing for any further questioning of his loyalty and purity, Dironicus stood and immediately fell to one knee before Master Acresius. "By the oaths I have taken and by the blood that flows within my veins, I swear on the pain of eternal dishonor and damnation, that I have not faultered a step in my eternal march towards victory. My life is in the hands of the Emperor and he shall not see me wanting Chapter Master." Acresius hefted his fist from the table and eased his rigid form, relenting his scowl by a fraction. "We shall see Brother Dironicus." With that, the Chapter Master turned to the huge ornate Imperial Aquila hanging steady over his throne and saluted the double headed Eagle with a thunderous clank of armored fist and armored breastplate, his other Captains following suit. He turned again and spoke one last time before departing to his chambers for daily meditation. "Know this, all who call themselves Sons of Guilliman, shall not faulter so long as I am Master of this Chapter. Constantius shall be stricken from every place of honor and thrown into the pit of the forgotten, all those who ever doubt, who ever taint their souls with sin, I will personally do justice to all those you dishonor by it." Leaving the room, he never once looked back at the kneeling Captain Dironicus who shed but a single tear in shame for his brother...

Lornak Bloodgreed
22-07-2011, 22:03
no replies after 3 hours? sad face

Magos Errant
22-07-2011, 22:07
It is not a bad work by any means. Generally taking a canon chapter and completely ******* it up is frowned upon, but I like every once and a while. :D However, the only real complaints I have are that dialogue should be broken into new paragraphs every time there is a change of speaker. For example:

1) Bob was happy. "I am happy," Bob said to Jim. "I am glad you are happy," Jim said. This is what you did (granted much more elegantly, but it gets the job done. :p). However it should be like this:

2) Bob was happy. "I am happy,' Bob said to Jim.
"I am glad you are happy," Jim said.
This is the correct way to write dialogue. It also helps the work look like less of a wall of text.

Also, faultered is spelled faltered. ;)

Overall: 8/10 for an interesting enough story with a good style but the occasional bad formatting and misspelled word.