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SaschaKreiger
25-10-2011, 16:14
Topic changed.

SaschaKreiger
28-10-2011, 16:58
Is this funny at all or is it just dumb? Be honest, I'm starting to suspect.

Okuto
28-10-2011, 21:07
Here's my constructive advice,

It's very very very.....redundant.....and shallow. Should really just scape the idea....build up the basis of your fluff before you go on expanding.....your articles in general are very very slim and minimal, also major lacking in modesty which makes it a chore to read. Can't just go running off writing brand new stuff when the stuff prior to it isn't even fleshed out.

Reading this gave me the impression:

"Ok in order to make my guys special they need their own way of travelling as going through the warp is beneath us"

Work on one thing at a time.....flooding the board with your posts isn't going to get productive(esp. your last one, how did you expect anyone to give feedback to it when they had no idea who those two factions were without putting extra effort), let alone any feedback. You ought to read some other people's regimental fluff to get the creative juices flowing like the "tell us about your army" topic in the 40k general section.

SaschaKreiger
29-10-2011, 15:12
OK, yes.


"Ok in order to make my guys special they need their own way of travelling as going through the warp is beneath us"

Alright. I thought it would be interesting to make something new, but not really where there's no need for it.

I've actually found a lot of ideas reverting back to the original, default characteristics, such as the standard 40k religion, becoming a sector, that sort of thing. The current world count is 65 for Sturmkrieg and 35 for the Rotstein Sektor. I'm also going to make the Scharzenkommando be a part of the Inquisition rather then be its own separate things, and maybe require the founders of it to become inquisitors before being allowed to found it, and have an inquisitor lord at the head of it.

And I'll drop the idea I asked about here; the Volianvan Sector seems to have plenty of ships and would be able to handle long range transport, such as the attack on the Stardust Empire.


Work on one thing at a time

Always a very important point.

Thank you.

Okuto
29-10-2011, 18:43
no prob, slow and steady gives a solid well fleshed out piece, you just need to form the base prior to any sort of idea of branching out.

SaschaKreiger
29-10-2011, 19:19
no prob, slow and steady gives a solid well fleshed out piece, you just need to form the base prior to any sort of idea of branching out.

Sascha Krieger likes this :yes: (if there was a like button)

Good advice.

Main problem with this example I think is that it's one of those things that's sort of funny until you actually start making a part of your army history.

I will be working on the foundation elements of the sector story before getting more complicated.

Any thoughts on the inquisition idea BTW?

Okuto
30-10-2011, 02:24
I've not read it yet so I can't comment

You just seem to get too excited and way ahead of yourself.....national anthems.....drawings...etc without a firm gasp of who these things are for.....zeal is good but not if it's unfocused.

I still would highly highly suggest you drastically trim the "empire" down, in it's current state it really goes down the Ward path of "I'm super awesome" and generally stuff like that doesn't do you any favors.

It's very very common for us players(me esp when I started) to "overstate" our importance when we write homebrew fluff thus I'm suggesting you make some cutbacks as you really are pushing the norms......also I keep getting the feeling you aren't familiar enough with the universe at whole, your little necron mention for example...

If you aren't sure about something you're including in fluff it's better to just use something more familiar to you.

Okuto
30-10-2011, 02:59
For example

-You say SturmKrieg was founded in the M11 but humans didn't begin colonizing till M15...

-Also your "empire" is located in eastern fringe yet no humans had ever ventured there during Dark age of tech, it's not till M35 the Imperium even begin to navigate the eastern fringe....

-Your "empire" is already way too big during the Dark Age of Tech, no one...absolutely no one was that big during that time as everyone wasn't unified yet, only with the coming of the Emperor could humanity be united and the crusade could then take place.

by saying your planet already did what the emperor of mankind would do later really flys into the face of the canon

-2000 worlds claimed during your crusade....the Macharian Crusade(which is the benchmark) only brought in 1000 worlds....what makes your guys so special they conquer 2000 with just their own military forces....esp during the dark age of tech....

-necrons.....they were asleep till M41 and only the emperor actually had knowledge of them...why are your guys so special they know this already

-eldar....they never rule over mon-keigh, they were never interested in vassals

as you can see you already have wayyyy too many problems and holes......you need to scale down.....really down..as currently the fluff is full of wholes, blatant over hyping, delusional grandeur(tons of this), blatant lack of knowledge of universe and frankly juvenile writing.

I'm assuming rarely few people have told you this as they couldn't get past the first few lines without choking.

No offense as usual, I'm trying to be as constructive and un-sugarcoating as possible, when you sugarcoat people tend to think nothing is wrong

SaschaKreiger
30-10-2011, 06:02
That's all good advice; the kind that really helps. Thanks. Don't worry about it. If it's bad, I want to know.

I revised the planet list, dropping a lot of worlds, changing to a sector, and splitting it completely.

http://en.sturmkrieg.com/List_of_planets_in_the_Sturmkrieg_Sektor

I'm going to drop the 2,000 world idea because it's pretty dumb really and serves no function.

The dates can be changed and the Necrons will be dropped because they don't even have a purpose without the battle anyway.

Okuto
01-11-2011, 01:12
Works fine, just drop the idea of a powerful single ruler as sector governors never have the power to bring all of their sub sectors in line they just rely on the local rulers

But the first thing I'd suggest is pick one planet and build off that, once that's fleshed out and complete you can start expanding

SaschaKreiger
05-11-2011, 03:32
It's not an ordinary sector, but I'll keep that in mind though. There was a whole new government system that the Imperium helped put into power, but naturally there would be changes made.

For example, I was going to have the Imperium require that leaders of the Scharzenkommando join the Inquisition, and that it would be technically be placed over their command.

Okuto
05-11-2011, 04:47
The Imperium forcing them to join the Inquisition would be very counterproductive.......those leaders would have alot to gain from joining the inquisition(even as vassals)...and wouldn't be easy to keep accountable

It's kinda like saying......

The US government tells Mexican drug cartel leaders they now have to join the CIA as underlings.....but who's to say what those cartel leaders are doing under CIA employment.....certainly not government as there's little oversight in CIA.

inquisition really wouldn't work...also the Imperium cannot simply tell the Inquisition what to do as the Inquisition isn't in their jurisdiction(Inquisition only answers to the emperor and their own conclave)...only the Inquisition can decide whether they want "vassals" and even then they'd need powerful friends in conclave to get away with it.

You need to rethink it but don't drop the inquisition completely as they are the only thing that's gonna make your fluff believable......