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Adlan
07-06-2005, 17:14
Edit: updated version, with lots of thanks to anarchistica
Princess Iselle and her rise to Conquest
By her Sworn Guard Samuel Brahaha

First I must introduce my self, I am Samuel Brahaha, more commonly known now as One Eyed Sam. I am Princess Iselle’s chief bodyGuard and am now paymaster of her army.
I have know Princess Iselle ever since her father selected me from his own bodyGuard and was sworn into protect her and obey her. At this time she was six years old.
She was always a precocious child and showed magical talent early on. Her father, Prince Roderick of Apuccini, hired some of the finest magical Tutors from the Empire’s Collages. All of them stormed off after less than a year. Driven off by Iselle's refusal to learn anything other than spells to beautify her self and captivate audiences up to a mile away.
Iselle's real trouble began when she reached the age of 16, she was given 10 of the most experienced veterans from her Fathers Army, to be placed under her command and remain so until her wedding day. I had looked forward to years of quiet retirement in command of this troop of old men.
However after i had paraded her new troops, in shining armour and polished halberds for their swearing in ceremony she became infatuated with the joys of command. She scoured the library for all tomes on war, tactics and fighting. She commanded me to drill the troops and parade for her every verennas day. This went on for 2 years. I was quite happy to drill my troops into a fine rut and was contented with my life. Iselle wasn’t.
Her father was away, fighting a duke in the border princes. and on Iselle's 18th birthday our look outs received word that the prince had been crushed and his crown claimed. an invading army was on it’s way.

Iselle, wasn’t noticeably upset at this news.

We set off out of the City at dawn, with the city coffers in our packs. We were headed for pavona across The Apuccini mountain passes.

On the third day in the further foothills we were set apon. A score of pike men in furs blocked our path. And out of the scrub another score or so of armed pistollier men. We were trapped by this band of thuggery. The tallest one of them Stepped forward, he wore a mountain lion skin for a cloak and Getured with a Huge Sword. He demanded we join him for dinner. We sat down and ate with these men and Iselle hid with our baggage train. after the meal their leader spoke again.

“You have feasted well, but dinner here does not come cheaply. We charge you all your possessions for the privilege of dining with Jarl the lio.....”
He failed to finish for at this point he caught sight of my mistress and fell under her spell. He was struck dumb, and Iselle now spoke. and proposed that he should place his forces under her command. He instantly agreed and shouted out the proposal to his men. His men however were none to pleased about leaving their snug mountain home and going campaigning.
However when Iselle ordered that we should empty our packs and show them the gold and jewels of Apuccini’s coffers a resounding cheer sprang up as each man felt the pull of gold.
Iselle’s own and the new recruits diverted from pavona and instead of visiting Iselle's’ aunt we defeated a Beastmen band attacking a fortified Town. Iselle was keen to try out her new tactics and soon defeated the disorganised mob. Crushing them against the walls. We were welcomed as heroes in the town but upon discovering their poverty Iselle instead demand payment in flesh. A younger son from every household. We trained them for a mounth and the best were asked to volunteer into our ranks of Pikemen (although I suspect Jarl got several of them drunk before asking). The rest we required for our baggage train. The skilled apprentices we made into our own “Engineer Corps” a faniful idea of Iselles, but now we have only need for leather wood and iron, we can make everything we need for our army. The unskilled louts who we couldn’t even train to drive a horse we sent home. But we demanded their weight in supplies. Thus would Iselle expand her army.
We travelled across the Tilian side of the Apuccini mountains and in every village town and homestead we helped that could not pay one copper groat per fighting man, we demanded Men for our forces and goods for our upkeep.

Thus our army expanded to include Iselle’s 1st and 2nd of foot, the 1st and 2nd light companies and our casualties were replaced.
After a triumphant echo of ancient tactics up and down the eastern side of Tilea Iselle finally visited her aunt. Who happened to also have as a house guest her second cousin, on her mothers side by marriage to her fathers uncles step nephews brother, Bronzino The master Gunner, and his apprentice apprentice, Alfonse.
Iselle was fascinated by his magnificent firepower and Hired Alfonse and a galloper gun with a not to small proportion of the Fund (and in my opinion a large dose of magic to convince Bronzino to part with even one his cannon).
Iselle has now begun yet another campaign this time she wishes to try out her tactics against every race in the world Old and New.

This is the Story for a dogs of war army I am planning for myself. I plan to take it (once complete) to next years conflict Norwich.

anarchistica
08-06-2005, 01:19
This is actually pretty nice, but i do have some comments (of course).

Above all, you should remove the random capitals. Doesn't look good and it's confusing too. Sort of makes your story read like a chick tract (www.chick.com) or some other comic that emphasises the important words for retards.

Secondly, numbers. A soldier would consider the numbers of certain units standard and wouldn't actually mention them. They would refer to it as "couple of dozen", "minimal", "five score" or whatever. Saying someone gets a squad of 10 men just looks odd too. Rather say that she got a personal guard, consisting of a dozen men or a minimaly sized personal guard. Then stepping out of the person, as storyteller you can inform the reader of the exact number: "Ten hand-picked men". Or the person could give his opinion: "Ten of the finest of her father's guard, nothing seemed to good for her".

Another thing you do is exactly listing the enemy numbers. Anything beyond 10, 15 would be refered to as "nearly two dozen" or something like that. In my mind's eye i saw One Eyed Sam take his time to count the duellists, who neatly lined up so he could do so. ;) :p

The "biggest cloak" thing struck me as weird too. Made me think of a wedding gown with a long tail. Rather refer to the form of the man being big, or his cloak making him look like a great shadow cast by a cloud passing by or whatever.

The 'younger son' thing is a very cool idea, but perhaps you should flesh it out more because now it'd seem that the parents give away their kids without the slightest protest. Perhaps Sam and Iselle promise to train them? Perhaps they only have to serve for a year? Do they even pay them?

Finally, the Bronzino thing. You already make fun of him happening to be related in a far degree, but you do have him show his head. Could it not just be someone who works for him or someone who has a similar unit? They already hand with Leopold, another celebrity seems a tad overdone. ;)

It's entertaining though, with some nice ideas.

Rating: 3/5

Adlan
08-06-2005, 07:28
Thanks, the random caps is the product of my warped dyslexic writing and typeing (but it means i get extra time in exams, yay!)
So i'll fixthose as soon as i get back from school.
I'll see what i can do to improve it along your suggestions, Thanks anarchistica

(And anyone else with comments, just sling them this way)

anarchistica
08-06-2005, 22:58
Much better, still have 3 things to bitch about:

"hired the finest magical trainers from the Empire’s Collages"

-Trainers? You make it sounds like he hires guys to get her into shape. Tutors would be better, and i think he could only afford some of the finest too. ;)

"wearing the head of a lion as a helm"

-Erm, isn't there a helm underneath? Sure hope so! :eek:

"We made each man train for 30 days, and asked for volunteers (although I suspect Jarl got several of them drunk before asking) The 20 best were recruited. Thus was Iselle's first of foot created.
We travelled across the Tilian side of the Apuccini mountains and in every village town and homestead we helped that could not pay one copper groat per fighting man, we demanded Men for our forces.

Thus our army expanded to include Iselle’s second of foot, the 1st and 2nd light companies and our casualties were replaced."

I would have them train for a month. And you contradict yourself, sort of. They recruit the best 20, but later on they replace the casualties. The casualties always number 20? If not, will they make them number 20? ;) And they recruit 20 of them even if half of them are no good at all? It would make more sense if they made them train for a month and either took all of them with them (training them along the way) or only the best. They will need more than just soldiers, they need to feed, transport and keep an entire army going. The best recruits get to fight, the other ones get to cook and be in reserve. This would also encourage them to want to be good, because now they can decide to suck on purpose so they don't get recruited. ;)

"Iselle was fascinated by his magnificent firepower and Hired alfonse and a galloper gun with a not to small proportion of the Fund (and in my opinion a large dose of magic to convince Bronzino to part with his cannon)."

To convince him to part with one of his cannons. He has more than one cannon!

Beastmen & Bronzino were misspelled, alfonse wants to be Alfonse.

You'd better replace verson of the story in the first post with the edited one, and edit the post that now has the story to say you edited your first.

I wonder if anyone else will comment too...

Adlan
09-06-2005, 16:22
I hope i get lots of replies, yours have been most useful.
The update is there now.

anarchistica
09-06-2005, 23:57
Try putting a link to this thread in your sig, it helps alot.

Adlan
10-06-2005, 07:33
There y'are, hows that.
Thanks for all the advice.

EvilIncarnate
11-06-2005, 04:35
Yeah, it very good for a short summary of your army. Just a few questions.

1 Iselles just up and left her home when the invading army came?

2 How old is One Eyed Sam?

Anarchistica pointed out a lot of the things but overall I like it. Very good.

Adlan
11-06-2005, 09:46
He started out at late 20's, now he is nearly 50.

Yup Iselle just left town with her household and bodyguards. And the contents of the treasury.

Thanks for reading, i think the read for read exchange works well.

Astador
26-04-2006, 00:12
I have the Chick Tract thing on the home page on my desk! lol, I like it.
Cheers,
MCA.