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Mr.terminatorbob
13-07-2005, 02:26
Telan tensed as he and his squad of scouts got closer to the Tau camp they needed to gather intel on the Tau army and if possable sabotooge the Devilfish transports. He ordered one of his scouts to get a bomb and rig it to explode in 5 minutes. "Ok plant that bomb near the hangar and get back here" " Yes sir" the scout replied , but as fortune has it a squad of Tau spoted the space marine scouts and fired of a shot missed and started to raise the alarm when Telan fired his bolt pistol and and hit both of them and they dropped down. " Fall back !" he shouted and they almost made back to base when a Broad side unit had them cornerd and was about to kill them when a Space marine unit saw them and distracted them well Telan and his scouts made a hasty counter attack and blew the Broadsides apart.

" By the throne that was close " he said "We better get back to base for debrifeing and you need to tell us what your unit discovered". Back at base Telan told the chapter master and in Telans case his older brother who was 20 years older then him what had happened. "

Thats it for tonight I will continue this later.

Hideous Loon
13-07-2005, 12:42
A good story, if you ignore the speeling mistakes (but mebbe I'm the only one who bothers to make his spelling and grammar correct, I am a Grammar Nazi after all). The only thing is...well, it doesn't have a plot. It's only...Scouts bashing Tau, which in itself can be good, but I believe every good story should, if it's not inconvenient, have a, well, story to tell.

Also, how does the Space Marines know that the 'Tau battlesuits with railguns' are known as Broadsides? One could understand that if they'd have some peaceful contact with them, but somehow I doubt that, since they are at war with the foul Xenos (MAY THE EMPEROR'S LIGHT BURN THEM ALL!). Just my 2 cents, reply if you disagree.

Mr.terminatorbob
13-07-2005, 21:29
maby they had enough intel to know what they are.

Hideous Loon
14-07-2005, 18:17
True. Didn't think of that. (Shame on you, Jocke.)

Mr.terminatorbob
19-07-2005, 19:17
also please rate my story I know it is horriabl but I want to see how bad it is

TheSonOfAbbadon
02-08-2005, 14:12
Well, Spelling is ok, 4/5. Grammar is rubbish 2/5. Story is rubbish 2/5. Characters are total rubbish 1/5. Action is total rubbish 1/5.

Overall, 2/5. Try writing a longer part, introducing your characters first and describe the action better, I'm not quite sure what happened but it looks like 2 tau firewarriors shot at them when they were wandering within 25 metres of them, they both got shot to pieces by bolt fire, then a Broadside unit followed them back to their base and was about to blow them to pieces when a space marine unit appeared and attacked the broadsides, as did the scouts.

I could easily lengthen this passage to 2 A4 pages long, the first page being about describing the mission and the situation, then the marines being found by the firewarriors and the battle that ensued. Then the second page would be the fight against the broadsides and the debreifing to their commander.

Now, Broadside is the Imperiums word for the battle suit, all names of units are given the Imperium's name for them, Firewarriors, Carnifexes, Hive Tyrants, etc. etc.

Now, this marine is he:
A. A scout,
B. A marine in scout armour especially for this mission,
or,
C. A marine in scout armour because he's the sergeant?

Mr.terminatorbob
06-08-2005, 03:20
I know it sucked! yes! I was right people hate it I should never right storys.