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Vberg
05-08-2005, 23:47
Im talking just a day after my 19th birthday and allready i have found out im offically deppresed. My familly have forced me to go to the doctors where ill expect to be put on anti deppresants just like my dad and my sister. Im yet another weak individual who now needs pills to get him through life. To think there's people all over the world who have suffered wars, famines, droughts, natural disasters and other various things and yet they still seem to manage. This makes me feel guilty, what possible reason do i have to be deppressed in the grand scheme of things?

I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and a family that is proud and loves me. I have just passed my first year at uni and will be moving into my first flat in september with some good friends.Yet still i find myself fed up of life, tired of living, drained of energy my passion for everything a shadow of its former self. I find myself questioning my right to live. Increasingly i have been having dark thoughts of ending it all.

My dreams of being in the armed forces i know will never come true as im to weak menatally and physically to do so. I can see my future working in a dead end office job, working to pay off my student loan. Ploughing a lonely furrow in the barren field that is my life.

I was once told these were the best years of my life. I am now at my peak. If that is the case what the hell will i feel like the rest of my life? On reflection my best days were at primary school where my only concern was getting outside for a game of football. Imagine that hitting your peak, having the best years of your life at the age of 11. Now my hobbies such as warhammer and music have become distractions from my deppressing thoughts. Im affraid to just sit on my own with nothing to destract me for i know if i do that i will get really low and perhaps cry.

I dont know why i have written this, maybe its just a form of catharsis. I appologise for bringing my gloom into your lives but i express my self better by writing things down rather than talking.If you have read this far i thank you from the bottom of my aching heart. :cries:

starlight
05-08-2005, 23:49
Welcome to the club of life! Things will get better.....or worse, likely both!

Life is 10% what happens, 90% what you do about what happens.

PS, yup read it through, you're welcome.

Nid
05-08-2005, 23:59
And another one joins the club! Feel good, man. Most people need to find drugs, you're getting them given to you!

Brother Frog
06-08-2005, 00:02
Firstly Vberg, you need to drop the guilt you are feeling about not having it as hard as some people. It is not at all healthy for you to be thinking like that.

What you are describing is basically, what happens when someone feels depressed; that is, you are feeling low, and that feeling makes you believe that potential futures are unachievable. The more you think about that, the worse it will get. So stop it.

Furthermore, having to go on pills does not mean you will be on them for any length of time. Sometimes, people just need a few months worth to put them back on track.


If you would like to talk to someone who has been there (and is still there) you can MSN me on frogpole70@hotmail.com

Xhalax
06-08-2005, 00:22
Thankfully....I've never felt myself that down that I've felt that maybe I need more professional help or to go to the doctors to see if I need medication.

I know I've felt like crap and I've felt much much worse. But I've been lucky in the fact I've managed to pull myself out of the worst of it. I'm hardly perfect in my mind state...but I have some excellent friends that have helped me out.

Plus I find the only way I can get through the day is by finding time and something to laugh about. Finding something to make me smile. It doesn't have to be anything big but I find it helps. Hugs too....one thing I will miss when I move out of my parents house.

But that's just me. As I said, I've felt worse than crap before so I have some idea (although probably not a big one) of what you guys are feeling and I hope and wish you only the best.
*hugs*
As I said, it always makes me feel better so I hope a cyber hug might help out too.

Snoozer
06-08-2005, 00:42
The more you think about that, the worse it will get. So stop it.

I think that is the best piece of advice here, just don't think about it too much...

I know, I've been in your shoes, well I probably still am, but it's will get better.

2 years ago I still worried over every single thing, I stayed up nights just worrying, but since I've gotten better at not worrying, not having depressive thoughts, so cheer up, lifes a rollercoster sometimes it just seems like it only goes down, but thats not the case now is it ;)

:D

nikolai7
06-08-2005, 00:47
It could be worse, I don't talk from experience or even pretend to know anything about what your going through, but i have a friend who has been a depressed recluse for over 6 years and ive been there for him the whole time now hes starting to get his confidence back. Have you tried learning an instrument? He says it helped him so much because it gave him something to take his mind off things and also the lessons gave him the chance to get out into different enviroments and meet new people.

Freak Ona Leash
06-08-2005, 00:49
You CANNOT feel guilty about not having a hard life. Just becuase you are clinicaslly depresse does not make you phyisically or mentally. If you feel guilty about having an "easy" life(if ther is such a thing) then you will make life harder for yourself on purpose, either konwlingly or subconciously. This could lead to horrible things. I dont know how many things have gone wrong in Freak's life, but just because my life has been worse than others, does that make me strong? Should I feel proud that things have sucked for Freak? No, and you should not feel guilty that your life has been, at least in your opinion, easier than others. There will always be people with a worse lot in life than you, dont feel guilty about it. You cant help it and neither can they. Try to make the best of the blessings God gives you. Dont destroy yourself man. Freak, and a few of his friends always think of killing themsleves, its always there, like someone whispering. I dont know if it is some mental condition or not, but dont listen. It is the most permanant end to a problem. And believe Freak, you will be missed. Your family, your friends, hell, even us at Warseer will all miss you. Just the fact that you can talk about these difficulties already makes you mentally stronger than Freak and almost everyone he knows. That is something to be proud of. I hope I made sense and helped. :(

EDIT:Er, I made it worse didnt I?

Captain Brown
06-08-2005, 01:06
Vberg,

Do not stay depressed, you have 4,490 (WarSeer Members) friends here and they are all pulling for you (OK maybe one or two are not but they are just mean normally and don't play so well with others).

Feel you are too weak for the military, change and make yourself someone they want. I have seen hundreds of young men and women who thought they were going no where join and find out that there is an awful lot of things they can accomplish that they thought they could never do. Start small and big things will happen.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and remember most of us did not figure out what we wanted to do until later in life (in fact some of us are still changing our minds).

Freak Ona Leash
06-08-2005, 01:15
If you arent an atheist, you could apply for Chaplain. Thats what Freak plans to do(unless they find them mentally and/or phyiscally unsound. Freak is banking for mentally) Or even Chaplain's assistant. You are still in the military and you would be making others feel beetr and more confident. By making others feel beeter, you could make yourself feel better. But there are plenty of jobs in the military for you. And all of them are important.

Crazy Harborc
06-08-2005, 01:21
Vberg..........you have gotten some darn good advice. I've been there and done that too. It's a good thing that the drugs (legit ones okay) with counciling are developed and work too :D

IMHO, (for whatever their reasons) the people who don't seek help are the weak ones. That's after they admit/realize something is wrong and that they need help.
Be glad you've people who care enough to help you to get help.

Shuya
06-08-2005, 03:04
Well I don’t know if this will help but….

Do as I do, being an really emotional type I get depressed a lot (for example going on msn at 2’0 clock in the morning when the girl ive been after for years comes online, she usually doesn’t come on at night at all let alone 2’0 clock, but she came on, because she was at her boyfriends house. And she would probably be drunk and try to describe it all to me just to hurt me, I like her but she torments me but I think we’ve all been there)

Now this event made me tearful, as did yours but I'm ‘girly’ so don’t feel too bad


When I get depressed (and if you’ve read my other threads about family issues I believe you will agree that we all have stuff to be depressed about 90% of us have probably been depressed) I just socialize and but on a brave face if you feel depressed because others are suffering realise that your sorrow helps no one,


But I feel that I'm not one to tell you what to do. I see old people’s homes and just get horrifically depressed and cry for hours. (Christ I'm feeling bad for them again).

Wraith
06-08-2005, 09:28
I see it as clinical depression is when something goes wrong with your brain either structurally or chemically trying to suggest you are depressed simply by life is doing yourself a diservice -- that's only half the story, there are factors out of your control within your skull which are the real reason for your feelings.

I'm not sure what to say -- currently I've refused to go to the doctors despite my parents wanting me to because I don't want anything on my medical record, indeed I don't want any drugs either.

There's still a massive stigma and misunderstanding about mental illness and I can feel it every day. I know when I fill in an application form for a job (I'm interested in the police) and it asks "Have you ever recieved medical treatement for a mental illness?" if I say 'yes' then I've had it...

The pestilent 1
06-08-2005, 09:43
i myself am manichly depressed, shame is; i seem to have adapted to every damn drug they have.
no pills for moe :(

Wiseman
06-08-2005, 10:41
would you feel better if we got rid of souness;)

dont worry mate, we all have times like this, and go through stages, just forgetting about it is the best way, not easy, but nothing is

Vberg
06-08-2005, 13:39
Thank you, your kindness and more importantly your advice is very much appreciated.

Ive been feeling like this for six years now. But id always put that down to not liking school. But always the thought of going to university and being able to be this wonderful person i believed i could be kept me going. Once i went their everything would be fine, life would be good. But that hasent happened and now i find myself at my lowest ebb. Nothing has been solved and life is far from better. I think it this dashing of my hopes that has led me to feel like this and for me now to be diagnosed with depression. My friends will be shocked. Im normally the strong unflapable, unemotional one now they will find out it has all been an act. :( My dry wit, my assuredness, my stoic reserve is all just a mask i wear.

All of your advice is appreciated but a few things i particular struck a chord.

@Brother Frog. I try not to think about it but i cant. Everything and everyone around me reminds me of my state of mind. Everyone at university seems full of vigor, full of life laughing and joking, their young, their having the time of their lives they have the invicibility of youth. They are everything id like to be but i cant. And i think i maybe will MSN you. Thanks.

@Xhalax. Yes i do try to find something to smile about. Your avatar made me smile, and even seeing the word hug typed out made me smile, dont know why its just one of those words.Thank you for the cyber hug *hugs Xhalax back* Youve managed to put a smile on a very miserable face, thank you.

@nikolai7.Im right ahead of you on that one. I do play guitar but its just another way to make me feel inadiquate. Though at lonely times it has proved a god send. Perhaps if i stumped up for some guitar lessons might help

@Freak Ona Leash. No you havent made it worse. What you say is true, feeling guilty about having an easy life is stupid. Perhaps i need to make my life tougher and if i could get my confidence back i could do that. I could take on a challange, getting myself fit is something i feel i need to do. Perhaps after a few months on the anti deppresants ill have the energy and confidence to do so. And yes i am an atheist im affraid. I did think perhaps religion could give my life meaning however i just dont have the faith.

@Crazy Harbroc yes i have gotten a lot of damn good advice here. And its much appreciated. Yes i think you may be right seeking help perhaps is a sign of strengh even though i had to reduce my whole family to tears to do so.

@Shuya dont feel girly because you have an emotional side. I wish perhaps i was more like you instead of bottling things up. And i to have a funny thing about old folks homes (my mum works in one) so much so old age is my one true fear.

@Wraith wanting to go into the air force is one of the reasons i wanted to avoid going on anti deppresants. I know i may get refused entry if i have such a thing on my record (though i can see many other reasons why they would not want me :( ). But the way i see it id be even less use to them if i end my life swinging from the lamp shade if you get my meaning.

@diddimiz (thats one very good memory youve got) yes perhaps Souness's letter of resignation, Owen agreeing to sign for us along with Christiano Ronaldo, Tiery Henry,Nesta and Ferdinand and a season ticket for ST James's park might prove more effective than any anti depressants.

Thanks again guys (and girls) you have been a great help, and Warseer in general has made my life a bit easier over the past month thank you.

The boyz
06-08-2005, 14:06
My dreams of being in the armed forces i know will never come true as im to weak menatally and physically to do so.


Do what I do and start training I have another thew years before I can join the Royal Artillery, what with doing my foundation degree and the going on to Uni and doing my full degree. But I am not very physically fit but I have started trainning. You just have to say to yourself that I can do it, thats the trick really. Think positivley, and it will happen.

Wraith
06-08-2005, 14:56
@Wraith wanting to go into the air force is one of the reasons i wanted to avoid going on anti deppresants. I know i may get refused entry if i have such a thing on my record (though i can see many other reasons why they would not want me ). But the way i see it id be even less use to them if i end my life swining from the lamp shade if you get my meaning.

Hey man, I agree, perhaps if you get a clean bill of health from the doc you can use it as proof that you are 'better' as it were when it comes to an interview?

Not perfect circumstances I agree, but you may as well make it work for you -- talk to your GP about it.


Perhaps i need to make my life tougher and if i could get my confidence back i could do that. I could take on a challange, getting myself fit is something i feel i need to do.

I go to the gym three times a week, it's hard but you do feel good once you get home after a session. Indeed, nothing's better than having a really good slog at the gym coming home having a shower then going straight back out into town socialising.

My friend swears by what he calls 'spining' which is basically group exercise biking but he admits you get out what you put it.


And yes i am an atheist im affraid. I did think perhaps religion could give my life meaning however i just dont have the faith.

Try philosophy instead, if a certain outlook makes you more depressed stay clear of it but if another outlook peaks your interest perhaps it'll help you.

Vaya
06-08-2005, 15:01
Well, I had a fear of going outside for years. It started when I was about seven years old, and lasted until I was fifteen. In that period, I was panicky whenever I had to leave my trusted envirnment and had to go to school or something. As a result of this, I missed out on a big part of my childhood.
My parents often considered sending me to councelling, but I managed to suppress the real severity of my condition, so I never got help.
Somehow, growing up made me realize that I could do something about my own condition. I started fighting back and eventually got rid of 99% of my fears.
The trick that has done it for me, is embracing the useless factor of life. Now, some of you might believe in reincarnation, and I myself believe that you have to do your best not to hurt people you encounter in your life and be a decent person, but that doesn't really change the fact that we live for approximately 75 years, and then we die.
This can be depressing to some, but I find it a very stimulating thought. You know it's going to be over someday, and thus you'd better try to spend the time you've got on this planet doing as much of the things you like. I spent seven years in college in stead of the scheduled four, because I valued spending time in the bar with my friends. I spent almost six years at a rather ******-paying job, because the environment is pretty good and the work is quite okay.
I always try to do as much fun stuff as I can. My girlfriend has been suffering from a depression for the last three years (we've been together for four, but I assure you it has nothing to do with me ;)) and is coming out of it lately. She too found out that her study wasn't for her, started another one but didn't like it either, lost her dad two years back to cancer... Basically all that makes you depressed. But lately she has learned to enjoy the things she does have and the fun stuff in life, like hanging around with people you like, and opening up to your friends about what bothers you. in the end, venting your feelings and doing what you like really helps.

Adept
06-08-2005, 15:14
Actual depression is a physical abnormality, like having a broken arm or getting a disease. It just happens to be in your brain, and not your bones or your bloodstream.

Taking treatment to counter it is no more worth contempt than seeking help with a cut or a sprain is.

Added to that, everyone experiences highs and lows, good days and bad days. People with depression simply have more trouble controlling them, and experience much higher highs, and lower lows.

Vberg
06-08-2005, 15:47
Thanks again (sorry to sound repetitive but i mean it).

You know youve reached a low ebb when you start to relate to Radiohead songs, as if Tom Yorke wrote them for you. :(

@The boyz. Yes i plan on doing similar and i hope the anti deppresants will give me the energy and positivity to do so.

@Wraith hopefully a clean bill of health a few months or years down the road would get me into the armed forces. However there are many challanges there that could send me back into deppression. Id want to be an officer (otherwise there would be no pint going to uni) and i just think how would i react if i had men under my command killed? If i went into a depression that could leave a few people high and dry (continuing my Radiohead theme). And perhaps going into a wartorn country doing peacekeeping, seeing the most awful atrocities and being powerless to stop them i know would have a very bad effect on me.

Yes i may consider philosophy. I do wish i had taken that as one of my courses at uni instead of history :( . Ill see if perhaps i could do a first year course on top of my second year courses. All ready i can see myself boring my friends ;) .

@Vaya. Ive never been afraid to go outside and im glad you got over that. Your philosophy of life does you credit. Just the sort of thing i expect from someone living in the party capital of Europe ;) .

@Adept i hear what your saying. I think my depression runs in the family as both my dad and sister are/were on anti depressants. I see what your saying by people being depressed feeling more extremes of emotion. For example a pleasant conversation will make me happy for hours but if a go into a shop where the staff are unfriendly and misearable for example i will be left feeling down for hours. Sad i know but true. Perhaps thats why i avoid meeting new people as an unplesent experience with an unpleasant individual would have a very bad effect on me. I just naturally assume people dont want to speak to me and are not interested in anything i have to say.

Vaya
06-08-2005, 15:50
Well, if you're ever up for a fun time, Holland is just around the corner. Couple of wargames, couple of beers. Bring all your friends! :D

Vberg
06-08-2005, 15:59
I wish. Someday maybe. Though ill probably leave the wargames behind as im sure Amsterdam has other far more exciting things to do ;) .

Xander-K
06-08-2005, 16:02
here's my advice: find that office job- get to the lowest point you can then all you have is up to go and you won't care about anything, thats when the fun starts.

Adept
06-08-2005, 17:07
For example a pleasant conversation will make me happy for hours but if a go into a shop where the staff are unfriendly and misearable for example i will be left feeling down for hours. Sad i know but true.

Theres nothing sad about it. No more than having a twisted ankle makes you limp. You have a problem with your body, and this is how it makes you behave. Just like having a sore arm means you don't use that arm. It's not a choice you've made, it's not a weakness in your mind, it's just a physical problem that can be countered with medication. No one, especially you, should ever look down on you for that. If I were sick, you can be damn sure I'd be on the right sort of meds and rehab to get better, as would anyone else.

The boyz
06-08-2005, 17:18
@The boyz. Yes i plan on doing similar and i hope the anti deppresants will give me the energy and positivity to do so.


.

Well good luck Vberg.

Vberg
06-08-2005, 21:22
@Adept you have made me feel better about going on medication. Just a bit worried about telling my friends.

@The boyz, thanks and good luck to you. I hope in a few years you'll be blowing stuff up from great distances for Queen and country.

The Ape
06-08-2005, 21:55
Hey vberg.
For what its worth, the Armed Forces takes each individual case on its own merits, so i wouldnt worry about going on anti-depressants, and it stopping you joining.

I joined the army and went to Sandhurst last year, before i was discharged with a back injury. For about 6 months afterwards i was pretty damn low, as the treatment for my back was taking a long time and i thought my chances of rejoining were nil.

Now however, im finally able to start exercising again and things are looking on the up - its been hard work going through all the ostepath sessions but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What im trying to say is, it takes a lot of guts to go to the doc and ask for help and to start taking those anti-depressants - it certainly shouldnt make you feel less about yourself.

Vberg
06-08-2005, 22:52
That just the kind of thing i wanted to hear. Its good to get the advice from someone thats been there. Im a good four years from joining yet, still i dont know how long i will be suffering from this. The one thing this has done has made me doubt my mental toughness and weither i have what it takes. Sure i can train and become as fit as i like but if i dont get my head sorted its a waste of time. And i just dont know what else id want to do with my life.

Vaya
08-08-2005, 15:21
This is a story somebody mailed me. It might give you just a little help:

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood
and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how
he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John
was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the
situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked
him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time.
How do you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two
choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose
to be in bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood." Each time something
bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from
it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me
complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point
out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all
the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in
a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live
your life."
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry
to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him
when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident,
falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of
surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital
with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the
accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any
better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds,
but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took
place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of
my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground,
I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could
choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
He continued, "..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was
going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the
expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.
In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take
action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John.
"She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors
and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep
breath and yelled, 'Gravity'." Over their laughter, I told them, "I am
choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." He lived,
thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing
attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live
fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about
tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough
trouble of its own." After all today is the tomorrow you worried about
yesterday. You have two choices now:
01. Delete this.
02. Forward it to the people you care about.

You know the choice I made.

Wiseman
08-08-2005, 15:46
@diddimiz (thats one very good memory youve got) yes perhaps Souness's letter of resignation, Owen agreeing to sign for us along with Christiano Ronaldo, Tiery Henry,Nesta and Ferdinand and a season ticket for ST James's park might prove more effective than any anti depressants.

Well see mate, it shows people pay attention to you and notice you, be happy, we have emre, parker, Krul,and now it looks like Coco, check out this forum as well by the way. www.soccer24-7.com/forum it has a good newcastle section on it.

Vberg
08-08-2005, 22:42
@Vaya. Thats a good story i like the way the guy took control of the situation in hospital. But i dont think i have it in me to be that positive, though i hope i do become more positive.

@diddimz (i just got that :rolleyes: :) ) Yeah it makes me feel good to know people remember things ive said, dosent happen often enough for me :( . Though i agree with you about Emre and Parker cocu i think is a bad sighning, just shows how far from fittness Babyaro is from fitness. Ill be sure to check out that website.