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Wez
08-04-2005, 11:45
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anarchistica
21-05-2005, 22:27
Oh dear, i'm going to be unnice. :p

First of all, the Imperial Troops make use of "the might of unholy explosives"? Wouldn't they be the ones to have "holy" explosives? I can see how a Chaos worshipper could consider the IG to be unholy and themselves holy, but it feels a bit awkward.

Secondly, the guy contradicts himself. First he thinks: "Taken by surprise, guardsmen died in their hundreds, but Khlazak knew this was not enough. Soon the Imperial army would fall back and regroup, leaving his elite force to face the might of unholy explosives. He could not allow this to happen. Something had to be done." but later on you write: "Khlazak wondered if the Guard had even had a chance to fire any shots at him and his marines and if the cultists’ sacrifice had achieved much. Contemplating this, he concluded that their sacrifice had done relatively little, but if it did nothing else, at least it partially satiated Khorne’s thirst for blood." So, what is it, were they actually useful or not? :p

Then there are curious things like Obliterators stealthily sneaking up, Word Bearers having red instead of crimson armour (:p) and the IG being so damn surprised. Didn't they have trenches, walls, fences? Only a couple of searchlights and no standing guard? Seriously, sneaking up like this seems a bit unrealistic, even though Nids in the 3rd ed Nid Codex do it too. How the heck can they be shooting people so quickly, it doesn't make sense, they would be on their feet already. Did the Raptors and Terminators confuse them which helped the others to get in undisturbed? Was there any psychic activity which helped?

What really bugged me was the converting of the IG soldiers. It was completely unrealistic. One three-minute speech and they forget about everything else? No one stands up to them, Commissars, Officers, Priests? No one at all? This guy is more powerful than the Priest from Age of Empires...:/

Finally, though your story is interesting in the way that this guy uses this tactic which is remniscient of the story in the Dark Elf book about a DE Lord freeing prisoners but killing them as they run towards their comrades, making the ground too unstable for the Bretonnian steeds to thread, it is a bit bland. It's kind of the story you would expect in a Codex. There is no flavour, no image, no feeling, no character. You could as well have been describing a chess match. Khlazak has the depth of a Gav Thorpe character, he calls everyone beside him fools/foolish and is robotish. Describe the stench, the sky, the ground. Do the bodies make a sound if he steps on them? Was he ever tempted to choose a specific God? If he gets blood on his hands, does he look at it and wonder what followers of Khorne get so exited about? What does he think, aside from "they're fools" and "we have to kill them quickly"? Does he do this on a regular basis, is this is 500th planet to conquer? You really need to get into this guy's mind and write down what he thinks and feels, it helps bring your story alive.

Rating: 2,5/5

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Typos:

The Imperial fools wouldn’t know they were under stack until it was too late

Soon the Imperia army would fall back and regroup

Wez
09-06-2005, 17:54
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