View Full Version : poll for BLACK TEMPLAR - short story

saruman of orthanc
10-08-2005, 13:33
Have you read my story? Black templar is on this forum.

Let me know what you think...

10-08-2005, 15:36
Right i know its a short story so i won't crush you (too much) ;)

Some good descriptions, paints the picture very well. Some details could of been changed did not like the icicle on the nose or some of the dialogue. Not enough of what the marine is thinkin. Some character depth even in a short story makes it more vivid and alive.

My two cents (I'm a harsh critic)

saruman of orthanc
10-08-2005, 15:46
cheers, icicle on the nose i remembered from will kings book 'gotrek and felix' - i think it was skaveslayer. The grey seer dode had one.

10-08-2005, 15:54
It just doesn't seem to sit well with the image of space marines especially black templars. Maybe just focus on its cold with the breath and the crisp clean air yada yada etc. Rather than having a physical representation on the marines. once again two cents.

Curious whas it just for fun or you planning on writing more at all?

saruman of orthanc
10-08-2005, 16:38
just for fun, im writing a novel called ' the legend of the ruby blade' which im taking my time on. Its nothing to do with warhammer though. Im doing that one properly - i just wondered what you'd think of a short story which im not used to writing.


10-08-2005, 16:50
Yeah i prefer long stories to short ones more depth and more exciting. Takes me back to me school days when i tried to write me own novel (attrocious).
Good tip look at a wide range of novelists to get a broader view and pick one that you like or is similiar to there style and anaylise the writing.
Sounds like english literature to me :o

10-08-2005, 16:51
Just curious, not insuating anything at all but did you vote 10 out of 10 for your own story? ;)

saruman of orthanc
10-08-2005, 17:03
yeah, lol, i would give it 6 or 7 but its mine, ...

saruman of orthanc
10-08-2005, 18:38
oh, and harsh comments are what i want as long as they are true, so i know my mistakes.

10-08-2005, 19:06
Alot of grammar mistakes, even such things as giving 'Ork' a capital O. Quite a few spelling mistakes [use microsoft word, that has a spell checker] such as 'mariunes'. Choppa should not have been in inverted commas. The description was rubbish, fast and far too vague on what was happening. You called the Orks 'Orks' all the time, try and call them other word otherwise it gets repetetive [greenskins, boyz, aliens, beasts etc.]

Also, alot of this was unfluffy, Lascannons go 'fweem' not 'bang' like a solid shot gun. Also, the marines would shoot at the Orks chest, not the head. The marines wouldn't be so scared [they seemed to be scared], they would leap over the wall shouting 'FOR THE EMPEROR!' shoot a mass of bolts into the Orks and then assault them when they go close enough. Predators can have HEAVY bolter sponstons, but not bolter sponstons.

We never got to know the marine, hell I can't even remember his name and I read the story a ferw minutes ago! Describe his intentions, motives and emotions more.

One thing that's really bugging me is the exclamation mark at the end of the sentence 'and he turned around just in time to see [Blah]s head explode!' to me it sounds 'nooby' if you know what I mean, you know, on some games you get those people who are all 'Omg!1 Wtf? I jus got klled!11 Giv my monies!11!' it just sounded alot like them.

Given that, it was, on a range of stories I've read, ok. I've seen worse, and I've seen better.


12-08-2005, 02:01
Gave it an 3/10 since fluffwise for the zealous templars ,it was wrong...

3 Main reasons I can think off after 5 min of reading

1. They hid behind a stone wall,waiting for the Scouts signal to open fire and battle the Orks from afar ,instead of rushing in like the maniacs they are and giving praise to The Emperor for giving them the chance to die honourably in his service... :confused:

2. Black Templars dont use Scouts, especially not Snipers... :mad:

3. At the end of the story ,you had the "main" character run away in fear... :wtf:

Brother Smith
14-08-2005, 21:16
Well actually Lasguns make the sound of the internal machainery working, similar to the sound of a twig snapping.