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View Full Version : Great Harlequin's Funny Elday Sketch



Bloodthirster90
10-04-2005, 11:45
well, for those of you who missed it last time, or just want to see it again, here it is.

Their arrogance is only matched by their firepower.
All the important Farseers, Warlocks and Phoenix Lords are assembled in one of the Great Domes of the Ulthwę craftworld.
A large picnic table has been set up in a field and all the important Eldar are present. Eldrad Ulthran, the greatest of
all Seers is the chairman of the conclave. In the background we can see Maugan Ra trying to carve a turkey with the Mauge-tar while Fuegan is barbequing a wild boar with his Firepike. Baharroth has been put to good use as a fan, hanging from
the ceiling and fluttering frantically. In the background millions and millions of ordinary citizens mill about, going on with their daily lives.

Eldrad: Yes, all right, Baharroth - take it easy before all my notes fly off. They just don't make them like they used to
anymore...

Baharroth: Sorry, Great One.

Eldrad: Yes... all right then. May I have your attention ... Fuegan, FUEGAN! No, don't use your Firepike and that bottle
of lighter fluid together; you know how that ended last time. Now, we're all gathered here to discuss the changes our
great race has encountered since the beginning of the 3rd Age. Like most of you know, we used to be a terrifying
opponent with a solid core of Guardians supported by our elite Aspect Warriors. Unfortunately, that has changed a bit these
days, but I will address that later.

Karandras: Eldrad, who ARE all those people around here? The last time I visited you this place was nearly empty and now
there are Eldar everywhere!

Eldrad: Yes, well... I was just coming to that. *cough* Seems that someone made a little mistake when we last made a
headcount... Instead of 5,000,000, there are 500,000,000,000 of us, and 50,000 are born each day.

Jain-Zar: What? I thought we were a dying race, destined for extinction!

Eldrad: *cough* (looking a bit embarrassed) Yes, we certainly were fooled with that, weren't we. As it turns out, we're
the largest race in the universe, outnumbering even the Orks.

Maugan Ra: (giving up on the turkey and giving the now clogged up Maugetar to a Guardian for cleaning) well, what are
we waiting for, then? Let's mobilize the Guardians, arm them with our deadly Shuriken Catapults and go to war! With
our advanced technology and superior numbers we can rule the galaxy within the year!

Eldrad: (looking more and more embarrassed) Well.. that was my second point. It seems that the Bonesingers weren't all they
were cracked up to be, after all. Turns out that they orchestrated their demonstrations of our equipment and in reality
they're not quite that effective. In a word, we were cheated. Almeir, if you will bring me that Shuriken Catapult, I will
demonstrate. He points the gun at Maugan Ra, who is standing less than two meters away from him and pulls the trigger.
The shuriken screams out of the gun, loses velocity and drops to the ground a little over a meter away from Eldrad.
With a pathetic *plop* the weapon breaks apart.

Maugan Ra: (looking shocked for a while) this is an outrage! But never mind! We still have our glorious war engines that
we will use to crush our foes! Our highly skilled Guardians, armed with technology that surpasses that of the weakling
empire of Man, shooting through their crystalline targeters, can still win the day for us!

Eldrad: Yes... I was coming to that... *cough* It also seems that our training programs aren't what they used to be.
We thought all along that our Guardians were skilled warriors, but...well, look for yourself.

The Council turns around to watch a group of Guardians trying to hit the Dome's wall with their Shuriken Catapults.
None do, instead civilians are dying in droves all around them as the Guardians lob grenades over their shoulders,
accidentally fire their weapons at their friends and crash Jetbikes into them.

Asurmen shudders visibly. Jain Zar buries her head in her hands with an audible moan. Karandras slaps his forehead.

Eldrad: Because of this, our tactics will change slightly. You know the whole "every battle that kills a single of
us is a loss"-routine?

All Phoenix Lords nod.

Eldrad: That's right out of the window. Nowadays we'll be using our Guardians as a mobile wall that our troops and
Avatar can hide behind so that they don't get shot to pieces. We tried, we really did, but that's all we could
think of for them. It's not like we'll run out of them, is it?

Everyone laughs.

A group of young Eldar arrives, all drunk. One of them has been dressed in an oversized robe, with a helmet that's
clearly at least twice as big as his head. Attached to the helmet are two hideously oversized plastic antlers.
Everyone points at him and laughs.

Eldrad: Heh, the kids ... where are those bachelor parties headed? Moving on... we did a brief image survey, and it
turns out we're not "cool" enough.

Fuegan: Does that matter? We have the souls of poets and the bravery of warriors, what use have we for "cool"?

Eldrad: Well, as it turns out, sales figures are dropping and we're in for a brief overhaul... The Dark Eldar...

Asurmen: Yeah, where DID those guys come from? A year ago I hadn't even heard of them and suddenly they just pop into
existence. Dangers of the Warp...

Eldrad: Yes, Asurmen... Very well... *cough* as it turns out, we will be taking a few notes of them. First off, I'll be
giving you all new names. Traditional names like Baharroth, Asurmen and Khaine simply don't cut the cheese anymore.
Along with new names, you'll be getting new looks that will be more 90's style and more attractive to the hip kids of
today. Jain Zar.

Jain Zar: Yes?

Eldrad: You're not Jain Zar anymore. You're now "Robin Swallows" and here's your outfit. (Hands Jain Zar 12 centimeters
of leather). Your job is to get all the horny prepubescent males to play the game. Now, Maugan Ra.

Maugan Ra: Yes?

Eldrad: Your new name will be Stone Cold Maugan Ra. You don't need a new outfit as such, skulls ARE cool, but you need to start talking differently. Instead of the stuff you say these days, you'll be saying simple things and ending each sentence
with "'cause Maugan 3:16 said so". Got it? Try it.

SCMR: Umm... Son, you need to haul your ass out of my turf or I'll stomp you a new mud hole and walk you dry ... (Eldrad
smiles encouragingly and waves him on) ... 'cause ... Maugan 3:16...said so?"

Eldrad: Very good! Now, Karandras.

Karandras: ...Yes?

Eldrad: Your new name is "Skorp10" and your outfit works too. Now, Baharroth. (glances up) On second though, with the job
you've been doing, I'll assign you and your boys as portable air-cooling devices to the various Craftworlds. I think that
about covers you all. Oh, wait, Fuegan?

Just then, a loud shriek is heard in the background and a huge ball of fire erupts at the barbeque site. Fuegan, five
Fire Dragons and the Avatar all run around in pain as they burn. Fuegan is holding a bottle of lighter fluid in his hand.

Eldrad: Oh crap! Not again! I told him not to use the lighter fluid and his Firepike as a flamethrower! Oh, nuts - he's burning up the Avatar too!

Robin Swallows: Wait, I thought he was immune to fire... he's made out of metal and lava, you know?

Eldrad: That was all just a marketing ploy. Oh well, it's not like we didn't have spare copies or anything. At the rate
he keeps appearing in every battle, we'll be up to our pointy ears in Avatars by the end of the year.

(All the Phoenix Lords shake their heads and mutter approvingly)

In the background a medical crew loads the barbeque-victims into a grav-ambulance, drives off and hits a tree, causing the
gravbulance to explode in flames.

Eldrad: Oh crap! I -KNEW- we should've trained them better! Moving on...

At this point Eldrad is rudely interrupted as a bunch of Eldar wearing strange, pointy headpieces apparently knitted out of
wool and decorated with pictures of Hornets with "Charlotte" written on them appear. One of them is carrying a large, black
box that's emitting horrific drum beating, horse whinnying and a bunch of humans cursing rhythmically.

Eldrad: What on Ulthwę are you Eldar?

DJ Shadowseer: Yo, yo, yo... The Seerahh is da hizzzaaah! Yo yo yo, you strawberry fools be talkin' bout da Rhana-Dandra,
but pacos locos ay como estans los vagabonds for evaahhh! And more importantly, Ulthwę is rowdy and ...

Da Harliez: BOWDY BOWDY!

Eldrad: Once again, who ARE you?

DJ Shadowseer: Yo yo yo! We be da Harliez! We be croozing in our @#%$-ass Caddy in da hood when my homie sez that we
ain't in da new game. And if you ain't got game, you ain't got @#%$ So we be da...

Eldrad: Yes, yes, whatever. I cannot understand a word that man is saying, can any of you?

All the Phoenix Lords shake their heads, looking shocked. Baharroth flutters about.

Eldrad: Let's not pay him any more attention, then.

Cursing, da Harliez crank up the Domeblastah and shimmy out.

Eldrad: On to the next point on our agenda... Seems that we'll all be learning a new language as well.

Maugan 3:16: Why? We already have a well-established and traditional language!

Eldrad: Yes, well... that kind of stuff is "nerdy" and we certainly can't have THAT, can we now? Our new language will be
cool, witty and really funny. For instance, the word for human is now "mon-keigh". Mon-key? Get it? (laughs feebly)

Skorp10 buries his head in his arms and begins to weep. In the background a fire crew arrives to put out the gravbulance,
but manages to hook up the water hose to the fuel tank, causing much havoc.

Eldrad: Oh well, at least we're better off than the Necrons.

"Too right" says a passing Necron Lord

*sigh* The memories...

anarchistica
22-04-2005, 00:14
Hilarious. I wonder why it doesn't cover Wraithlords and such though.

DrumrbaxJ
25-04-2005, 05:11
Nice. I love it. Purely genius. Especially Robin Swallows. Very funny.

Aun'aart'al
21-07-2005, 02:41
ooooohhh geez, thats.. different, should have had some mention of gay eldar, but meh, still some funny stuff! :D :p

Lord_krok
21-07-2005, 16:51
thats hi lariuos!

Bloodthirster90
12-08-2005, 21:23
Riiiiiiiiiise

Wiseman
13-08-2005, 13:22
*gives a cookie to bloodhthirster*

Jaq Draco
13-08-2005, 13:51
its official you have too much time on your hands

Hideous Loon
13-08-2005, 14:43
That gag will never get old! Never!

Bloodthirster90
13-08-2005, 15:06
/me eats cookie. Glad you all like it and I'd like to direct all other cookies to the person who wrote this. Great Harlequin. I think he's lurking around somewhere.