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useless
19-08-2005, 15:58
This is just the start of it i will write some more when i get the chance. :angel:

A pirate’s tale…..

“head for that small village!” shouted old bill. Old bill was the infamous leader of the pirate gang “sea dogs” which raided small towns. Bill was once a proud empire captain before he deserted the army. “Yes sir!” shouted his crew.

Old bill was respected by many a pirate across the sea, even by his enemies. Old bill was in his late 50 and looked well past his age. But their was still a spark in his heart, and he wouldn’t quit in till he died.

Many scribes wrote that he was tall, strong and had a (typical for a pirate) eye patch. He had numerous scars, mostly around his face. When one asked about his scars he would answer “I got them while fighting dem evil zombies around the coast of lustria”.

He had a strange parrot called “old birdy”. Old birdy hated people calling him that and would threaten them with these words “just you wait! Squawk, squawk!”. Rumour has it that old bill lost one of his eyes * to “old birdy” after a fight, but old bill dismisses it.

It was a normal day, a hot, sunny day. They had just finished looting the remnants of daretasburg. Daretasburg suffered greatly when the beast men came **, pillaged and killed most of the villagers.

The houses (or the remains of them) where burnt, damaged and a ramshackle of wood, there wasn’t much people living there, most of them fled, except from this old man.

When bill met the old man he said “what can I do for you today?” “How about giving us all your treasure?” said bill. The old man pondered for a couple of minutes and answered “im sorry, all the beast men took are items…”

Bill thought for a couple of seconds “so we came he for nothing?” he said.
“Im afraid so” sighed the old man

Old bill went back to the ship and so did the rest of his crew. The ship was.. well big and obviously made of wood ***. It had many ornate and expensive cannons on either side. The ship was over 10 years old and it even had the beautiful mermaid on it****.


* So did other people but they didn’t complain… well not much...
** Which was usually Tuesdays or after stake outs
*** well The last one was made of paper but it sank every time some one stepped on it..
**** Bill couldn’t understand why he had bought this. He probably done it while he was sober

any comments?

Hideous Loon
19-08-2005, 21:41
This story doesn't make any sense at all to me. I'm sorry not giving you any constructive critisism, but that's how it is. The story seems rushed, and that's something you should never do to a story. Then you could almost sue God Almighty, for that would be wiser, methinks.

Verergoca
19-08-2005, 22:49
Yarrr!!!

Also, what is the idea behing this story? Is it a background story for an army, a moment of inspiration?

Also, I miss the action...

Could evolve in something really good, but at the moment its... not that good...

Anyways, YARR!!!

useless
20-08-2005, 08:46
its a story about my army and its not finshed yet. but i have tried onit

Hideous Loon
20-08-2005, 16:27
Try again, useless. I have faith in you.

nurgle_boy
22-08-2005, 21:49
it seems to have od orcish humour (the paper boat, and the like) but doesnt really have a plot at all, and doesnt make much sense...

all in all, not so good...

still, we expect updates and more story-ness!

useless
24-08-2005, 16:27
okay heres some more:

Old bill was angry that he wasted “his” time raiding the village.
The men where angry and annoyed. Old bill said we are going to lustria to claim our fortune
A pirate raised his hand and said “last time we went there we where attacked by zombie pirates!” Bill answered angrily “yes but now millions off people from ogres to the wretched Undead are heading to lustria! We can exploit this now! Now will you come with me?!”
“Yes sir!” shouted every pirate on the ship. The boat was heading to lustria, where deadly woman (amazons), giant lizards (lizard men) and giant kraken (well in the sea).

A few days past, nothing happened while they sailed to lustria, but one day the boat started rocking, old bill thought it was kraken but he was wrong! It was even worse! It was the fishmen!
“Grab your weapons!” screamed bill “the fishmen are coming!” suddenly a huge strange creature came on the deck. Bill knew not what it was but drew his sword and did battle with it.

The creature’s large head was covered in tough scales; it was holding a large hammer (magical of course). It was as tall as it kin, its huge teeth where bearing and even old bill was scared.
The creature rushed forward to strike him, but bill was still agile and just managed to escape the creatures blow. as he jumped his sword slashed against, the monsters skin. The monster screamed in agony as it clutched its (now) bleeding arm.
Old bill seized his chance and took the hammer and smashed it into the creature’s skull. The creature screamed in agony and fell down never to get back up. Old bill sighed “now I’ve seen every thing!” He was wrong…
The fishmen looked at the creature and muttered a few strange guttural words before fleeing from whence they came.

The ship was a mess, but the pirate’s repaired it. There were no causalities in the battle since it was so short. Bill took the hammer the monstrosity had, and took it to the ship’s wizard Alexander.

“Is it magical Alexander?” asked bill. “Where did you find it?” asked Alexander.
“I found on a strange creature I was fighting when the fishmen came” said bill “Ahh! So that’s why there was carvings on it, hmmm… well it does look magical but-“ “thanks Alexander!” shouted bill before Alexander finished talking.

Is it any better?

ironduke
25-08-2005, 14:32
Your style of writing seems to jump in and out of 1st and 3rd person with no obvious answer.

The starting bit is written as if somebody is speaking to themselves. Also it is rushed and the grammar could do with some improvement.

Try re-reading what you have written out aloud. Slowly and precisely. It may sound retarded but it helps when determining if your grammar is correct and if the text makes sense. Also establish what style you are going to use.

"Through criticism, we develop"

my two cents