Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 24

Thread: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

  1. #1
    Commander Lucifer216's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Colindale, London, UK
    Posts
    525

    Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Here we go with my latest offering

    Nurture or Geneseed? – A paper by Magos Psychologis Venar Clamdt

    Introduction

    After being approached by a high level Consortium of Inquisitors, who were most interested in my previous research and findings*, I was quickly persuaded** to begin on their behalf a detailed study into the nature of the Adeptus Astrates, with a view to understanding the influence of the varying types of geneseed on space marine personality.

    Method:

    Over a period of 50 years, a number of aspirants from a single world (Necromunda), were inoculated with the geneseed of different primarchs and then given over to different chapters for training and service. The trials were effectively doubleblind as neither the surgeons in charge of the surgical proceedings, the aspirants or the chapters that became their new homes knew which geneseed had been implanted. Every move and conversation by the surviving aspirants was recorded, using a special device connected directly to their suit’s autosenses. Analysis was ongoing and this report represents the results of 50 years***

    Executive summary:

    One of the most interesting subjects (Subject A21) was implanted with the Canis helix (spacewolf geneseed) and placed within the Dark Angels chapter. To my professed surprise, subject A21, quickly rose within the ranks, thanks to his unwavering faith in the Emperor and eventually became a chaplain. However, autosense records indicate that this was actually a front put on to guarantee an increased supply of communion wine. Subject A21 was later demoted when after an expedition to an Ork world in the hunt for “fugitive chaos space marines” (initiated by Subject A21), the thunderhawk used in the mission returned bearing a full cargo of fungus-beer.

    Another subject (B22) was put into the opposite situation (Dark Angel geneseed and placement with the Space Wolves). Unfortunately, Subject B22 rapidly became the subject of near total social exclusion on account of “not smelling right” and his distaste for Fenrisian beer. Matters quickly came to a head after Subject B22 was caught writing poetry during his daily mediations, poetry, which was later found to be a metaphor for his growing feelings for one “Brother Vogar”. After a few more incidents, in which Subject B22 was heavily chastised for keeping woman’s clothing in his mediation cell, he eventually became the victim of what appeared to be friendly fire.

    Subject C42 was inoculated with Blood Angel geneseed and placed with the Ultramarines. After a number of skirmishes, his natural aptitude for close combat quickly resulted in his promotion to the rank of sergeant in a assault squad. His combat performance continued to be exemplary until his company was stationed on the night world of Xarran V.

    Somehow despite almost no opportunity to mix with the civilian population, he quickly acquired the status of a celebrity. The fortress-monastery ended up virtually under siege by hordes of pallid gothic ladies and several wagon loads of used female undergarments were delivered each day. Thankfully for the mental health of the rest of his unit (who despite being Ultramarines, recorded jealousy indexes in the high 80’s) subject C42, was quickly transferred to an active combat assignment.

    Unfortunately, this involved a series of ongoing campaigns against the Black legion backed up by Khorne Berserkers. To the surprise of his superiors, Subject C42 exhibited a capacity for violence that shocked even hardened 300 year old veterans. The trigger seemed to be one point when Abaddon the Despoiler stuck up a single finger up at Subject C42’s unit with the Talon of Horus. Such an infantile gesture backfired when Subject C42 killed an entire unit of berserkers, the vast majority of which were later found completely drained of blood.

    Almost all of the other subjects indicated similar behaviour, indicating that the changes in personality triggered by the geneseed and the resulting transformation into one of the Emperor’s finest is sufficiently powerful to overcome even the intense training regimes and severe indoctrination processes favoured by the Adeptus Astrates.

    For full results, readers are invited to visit the planet of delta succundus, segmentum obscura, on whose secondary continent, the full printed manuscript is kept (in manuscriptoriums XXCCCVC to XXXCVX).

    I remain your humble servant****,

    Venar Clamdt


    * “Imperial world survival jumps in 99.5 per cent of all statistical projections if the Emperor’s most holy Inquisition is dissolved”, Imperial research, Vol XXVIIIIXVXMM).
    ** By persuaded, I mean tortured with an uncertain number of lemons, several 20 volt batteries and a cheesegrater until I agreed. I also believe they may have employed small rodents, but my memory banks mercifully shutdown 2.5 minutes into the interrogation.
    ** Not corrected for warp dilation and freak ruptures in the space-time continuum
    *** Humble as in any indication that I might actually possess a spark of free will, would result in my immediate termination.
    Last edited by Lucifer216; 02-10-2007 at 11:57.

  2. #2
    Chapter Master mistformsquirrel's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    USA - Central IL
    Posts
    2,938

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Lol <,< Pretty good. I think the best (imho), is the Space Wolf bringing back a Thunderhawk full of fungus beer <,<
    I'm going to take a break from Warseer for a bit to deal with my bipolar, which is acting up ferociously lately. Please accept my apologies for any insult or offense I may have caused - though I feel my sentiment was correct, I have been overly aggressive and hostile of late; and I am sorry for that.

    Hopefully I will return in better mental working order. Good luck all!

  3. #3
    Commander
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    698

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    To: Inquisitor Malchar, Ordo Xenos Obsurus, Delta Secundus.
    From: Lord Inquisitor Vraken, Ordo Xenos Obscurus, Nemesis Tessera

    Re: Venar Clamdt

    I told you to use more lemons. That aside, the learned Magos' work has parallelled that of Magos Biologis Kant, particularly with regard to genetic transmission of behavioural tendencies. We should be thankful, I suppose, that the good Magos did not repeat Kant's mistake and attempt to place Imperial Fist geneseed with the White Scars. I'm told the Khan's Chapter still instructs its novices that their name is not to be taken to quite such extreme levels as Subject X551 and that a maximum limit of one scar per cheek per century is rigidly enforced by their Apothecarion.

    V.

  4. #4
    Commander Lucifer216's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Colindale, London, UK
    Posts
    525

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    To: Lord Inquisitor Vraken, Ordo Xenos Obscurus, Nemesis Tessera
    From: Inquisitor Malchar, Ordo Xenos Obsurus, Delta Secundus.

    I'm sorry my Lord, I forgot the cardinal rule of interrogation: He who spares the lemons, spares the heretic. I recall that Kant also mentioned that the subject containing Imperial fist geneseed was once caught "in delicato" with a powerglove while screaming "Rogal Dorn, Rogal Dorn, Rooooggaaalll Dooooorn."

    Kant claimed that this clearly indicates that the geneseed encodes a form of genetic memory.

    I for one believe that such research gives a whole new meaning to the catchism: Ignorance is Bliss.

    Your devoted servant,

    Inquisitor Malchar
    Last edited by Lucifer216; 28-09-2007 at 20:39.

  5. #5
    Commander
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    698

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    To: Inquisitor Malchar, Ordo Xenos Obscurus, Delta Secundus
    From Lord Inquisitor Vraken, O.X.O, Nemesis Tessera.

    Kant had a point and this does go some way to confirming the suspicions that the Officio Alcoholicus had a hand in 'discouraging' the use of Space Wolf geneseed in further Chapters. Incidentally, I am in receipt of complaints from eight of the nine chapters involved in Magos Clamdt's studies - and I suspect it is only the general suppression of the incident you refer to above that prevented it from being nine of nine and the Phalanx over your head.

    For your information, the Space Wolves are accusing us of supplying a 'deviant dress-fixated freak', the Dark Angels a 'drunken disgrace of a Marine who could barely remember the Litany, let alone keep his mouth shu...* and the Blood Angels a 'repressed, starch-arsed by-the-book loser with no appreciation of a good vintage'. The Ultramarines..well, let's just say the term 'bloodthirsty psychopath' occurs with alarming regularity in the fourteen volumes of their complaint...

    All of these have, you will be pleased to hear, been 'lost in the Warp en route'. I do suggest that you make those archive stacks the subject of a deletion order though. Oh, and a 2.8 kilohm loop across the memory banks has been found most useful in preventing memory bank shutdown. You may wish to relay that to the Magos.

    Yours in the Emperor's service,

    Vraken.

    *: For some reason the Dark Angel transmission was abruptly cut off at this point.

  6. #6
    Chapter Master spacemonkey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Western U.S.
    Posts
    1,250

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    This is probably better off in the Stories and Art forum than Background, but made me grin all the same.
    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  7. #7
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    slumming-it with americans *sigh*
    Posts
    300

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Another subject (B22) was put into the opposite situation (Dark Angel geneseed and placement with the Space Wolves). Unfortunately, Subject B22 rapidly became the subject of near total social exclusion on account of “not smelling right” and his distaste for Fenrisian beer. Matters quickly came to a head after Subject B22 was caught writing poetry during his daily mediations, poetry, which was later found to be a metaphor for his growing feelings for one “Brother Vogar”. After a few more incidents, in which Subject B22 was heavily chastised for keeping woman’s clothing in his mediation cell, he eventually became the victim of what appeared to be friendly fire.
    Emo dark angels ...

    ROFL

  8. #8
    Commander Lucifer216's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Colindale, London, UK
    Posts
    525

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    To: Lord Inquisitor Vraken, Ordo Xenos Obscurus, Nemesis Tessera
    From: Inquisitor Malchar, Ordo Xenos Obsurus, Delta Secundus.


    My lord,

    After continuing analysis of Venar Clamdt's work, I have come to a revelation. As the major conclusion was that the genetic memory of geneseed takes precedence over cultural and social influences obtained during space marine training and service, I speculate that we might be able to assess which chapters will require increased inquisitorial monitoring, by continuing the experiment with geneseed from the traitorous excommunicatoris legions of old.

    Before you attempt to revoke my inquisitorial status, let me assure that I have learnt from the mistakes of the past. The chapters that will be assessed will be kept as much in the dark as possible and the implantation procedures will be performed by a magos biologis colleague of Magos Clamdt, as part of the routine sampling and inspection of geneseed purity. Furthermore, I will ensure that the good Magos Clamdt only proceeds with chapters that have a suspected degree of compatibility with the accursed traitor legions (in methods and general outlook).

    I await your approval,

    Inquisitor Malchar, Ordo Xenos Obsurus
    Last edited by Lucifer216; 02-10-2007 at 11:58.

  9. #9
    Commander Lucifer216's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Colindale, London, UK
    Posts
    525

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    To: Inquisitor Malchar, Ordo Xenos Obscurus, Delta Secundus
    From Lord Inquisitor Vraken, O.X.O, Nemesis Tessera.

    We have never discussed the possibility of such a study and I expressely wash my hands of such a hereticial course of action. Do I make myself clear?

    Lord Inquisitor Vraken

    P.s. Forward all relevant results to secure data route X5-delta-gamma-epilison.

  10. #10

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    This is relevant to my interests. Please continue.

  11. #11
    Commander Lucifer216's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Colindale, London, UK
    Posts
    525

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Traitors in the making? – A paper by Magos Psychologis Venar Clamdt

    Introduction

    After the success of my previous work, I have been commissioned with the rather more dubious task of investigating the ease in which candidates implanted with geneseed from one of the traitor legions can fit into the workings of our modern loyalist chapters. This derranged <audio logs record screams at 100 decibels plus, followed by sobbing, wimpering and the cry of "No, have mercy. not the pineapple">, no inspired project will doubtless have the most profound benefits for the security of the Emperor's domains, which encompasses the whole of the known Universe.

    Method:
    Essentially those used in Nuture or Geneseed, Ordo Xenos Obscurus research XXCVXCCV. However, before any implantation was conducted, I first followed the brief laid down by Inquisitor <SUBJECT DELETED>. I generated psychological profiles of the prevailing traits exhibited by both the traitor legions and the more unorthodox chapters of the Adeptus Astrates, then carefully used the standard procedure to check for possible "compatibilities". However, such a sustained level of research into the traitor legions has I fear, permanently damaged my sanity. I certaintly after watching detailed footage of the Emperor's Children in action, I can no longer sleep without being visited with nightmares involving sisters of battle, a large number of different shaped cucumbers, grox and household appliances. Efforts to record such nightmares via my memory banks have failed despite my best efforts.

    Executive summary:

    The study indicated several worrying examples of compatibility.

    Most noteworthy were the following subjects:

    Subject X21 (Night lord gene seed) was inducted into the Marines Malevolent and quickly rose through the ranks, eventually being commissioned as a Captain of the 8th company, despite numereous reports of a "callous disregard for human life" and "A total disdain for the suffering of civilians." Apparently when put in charge of a combat sector on Plant territerus of the Tunen system, which came with it, responsibility for a large refugee camp fleeing the Ork attack, Subject X21 was informed that the refugees were starving. To which he replied: "This cannot be allowed to continue. Reduce their numbers to the level where acceptable rationing can be mantained." When asked how this was to be achieved, Subject X21 merely patted his bolter affectionately.

    Subject Z201 (Thousand Sons geneseed), was given to the Blood Ravens for training and led a completely unremarkable career. In retrospect, I find this more disturbing than many of the other cases detailed by this report.

    As a control, two subjects were treated with Alpha legion geneseed and given to the Imperial fists (Subject VG232) and the Ultramarines (Subject IIV432) for training.
    Subject VG232 rose to the rank of veteran sergeant, before being immediately tried for rank insubordination and cowardice for refusing to wear a back banner and turn in his helmet.

    Subject IIV432 after several extremely bloody campaigns again horrifying odds, frequently returned from battle as the only survivor from his squad. Upon being given some command authority, he was quickly censured for countless breaches of the Codex Astrates. To the horror of Marneus Calgar himself, Subject IIV432 has thus far completed every single "Death oath" he has ever been given, but immediately after returning to frontline duty commits yet more heretical acts, including: Making use of cover, trying to obtain intelligence regarding enemy dispositions, suggesting rear or flank attacks, suggesting that tactics be considered in light of the current disposition of both the battlefield and enemy forces and perhaps most damnably of all, a tendancy to when confronted with hordes of tyranids/daemons etc, to walk backwards slowly while firing short controlled bursts and throwing grenades, instead of unlimbering his chainsword and bolt pistol and despatching the Emperor's enemies in glorious hand to hand combat.

    Perhaps the most curious case is that of Subject AQ466, who was implanted with Iron Warrior geneseed and given over to the Imperial fists for training. Once said training was complete, the subject broke down into tears and began to howl with anguish after being informed that his unit had been given the great honour of garrisoning the Imperial fortress on Terra.

    <More to follow>

    I remain your humble servant

    Venar Clamdt
    Last edited by Lucifer216; 02-10-2007 at 11:59.

  12. #12

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Quote Originally Posted by Lucifer216 View Post
    Subject Z201 (Thousand Sons geneseed), was given to the Blood Ravens for training and led a completely unremarkable career. In retrospect, I find this more disturbing than many of the other cases detailed by this report.
    LOL.

    Subject IIV432 after several extremely bloody campaigns again horrifying odds, frequently returned from battle as the only survivor from his squad. Upon being given some command authority, he was quickly censured for countless breaches of the Codex Astrates. To the horror of Marneus Calgar himself, Subject IIV432 has thus far completed every single "Death oath" he has ever been given, but immediately after returning to frontline duty commits yet more heretical acts, including: Making use of cover, trying to obtain intelligence regarding enemy dispositions, suggesting rear or flank attacks, suggesting that tactics be considered in light of the current disposition of both the battlefield and enemy forces and perhaps most damnably of all, a tendancy to when confronted with hordes of tyranids/daemons etc, to walk backwards slowly while firing short controlled bursts and throwing grenades, instead of unlimbering his chainsword and bolt pistol and despatching the Emperor's enemies in glorious hand to hand combat.
    Even more lol and possibly ironic dismay in the total lack of imagination or tactical sense of standard Smurfs.

    Perhaps the most curious case is that of Subject AQ466, who was implanted with Iron Warrior geneseed and given over to the Imperial fists for training. Once said training was complete, the subject broke down into tears and began to howl with anguish after being informed that his unit had been given the great honour of garrisoning the Imperial fortress on Terra.
    I feel sorry for him.

    I'd feel sorry for the Magnos too, but his suffering leads to my entertainment, and should therefore be continued.

  13. #13
    Commander Twisted Ferret's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Mars
    Posts
    571

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Shouldn't it be "Magos"?

    And... why did the IW cry?

    But yes. I demand more! Wonderful stuff.
    Quote Originally Posted by VanHel View Post
    Just remember, you won't die as long as you have unpainted minis.

  14. #14

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Quote Originally Posted by Twisted Ferret View Post
    And... why did the IW cry?
    Because he's a seige specialist attached to the ultimate in defensive duties, poor bugger...

    Edit: More, more!

  15. #15

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Quote Originally Posted by Kegluneq View Post
    Because he's a seige specialist attached to the ultimate in defensive duties, poor bugger...
    That, and he'll probably never get to see any action. The only way anything can get to Terra is if it has a defense on par with the C'tan like a Necron ship, or if the Imperium has already lost a war and is on it's last legs.

  16. #16
    Commander Amornar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Nothern New York
    Posts
    511

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    The thousand son in the blood ravens joke was the simplest one but still the funniest.

  17. #17

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Quote Originally Posted by Twisted Ferret View Post
    And... why did the IW cry?
    The IW joined Chaos because they were pissed about being used as a garrison force.
    And yeah, they were siege specialists.

  18. #18
    Commander nazrag's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    norway
    Posts
    560

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    great thread! I demand you write more! I have a special interest in Emperors Children, so please write about them
    When I feel sad, I simply stop being sad and start being awesome instead.

    \m/ Metalhead of Warseer \m/

    You just lost the game

  19. #19
    Veteran Sergeant Dalenator's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    78

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    You sir, are a legend.
    Great work and the Blood ravens joke was one of the best.
    "Watch out, boss! Dey's shootin' CO2 at us!"

    "No, Gruglug, dey's not shootin' nuffin'. Dey's sublimatin' solid CO2 at us!"

    "Waaargh! All dis here gas is muckin' up my cellular respiration cyclez! Damn youz Empire wizardy types and yer mastery of negative feedback loops! Damn youz all ta Mork!"

  20. #20
    Commander DonKarst0n's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Clausthal
    Posts
    648

    Re: Nurture or Geneseed: 40K humour

    Great work!
    Those Alpha Legion members are the best, especially:
    Subject VG232 rose to the rank of veteran sergeant, before being immediately tried for rank insubordination and cowardice for refusing to wear a back banner and turn in his helmet.


    It is old but still the best!

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •