Finally decided on a name for the currrent story arc. I'll get round to adding it retroactively.
* P * R * I * M * A * R * C * H * S *
LORDS OF CANON ARC
"Fear the unknown, for it has no characteristics for you to kill it with"
-Common Imperial saying
Tzeentch: "Ah … the quote at the beginning of each chapter has returned!"
Pipe down. Some of us are trying to narrate a story here.
Anyway, let us draw our attention away from the giant cyber-café that is Medusa and focus on another scene in the great galactic space opera that is Warhammer 40,000. Let us discover what another Primarch has encountered upon his return to his Legion after an extended leave of absence. On the Planet of the Sorcerers (actual name changes each week according to a complex lottery that involves no less than four different laws of probability and a high amount of cheating) Magnus the Red has returned to find matters not how he left it …
Magnus the Red: "How … how did this happen?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Now don’t get angry with her. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t my fault either. In fact I’d say it wasn’t anyone’s fault, just an unfortunate act of completely random and arbitrary nature. One of those things; no one could have seen it coming. My condolences".
Tzeentch: "I completely agree. Unfortunate, but completely-random-events-that-was-no-one’s-fault happen all the time, and … unfortunately … had to happen to Betty"
Falal: "Indeed, poor Betty. We mourn her loss"
Magnus the Red: Holds up the remains of what was once his favourite twenty-sided die. "Betty … you always rolled natural twenties for me … regardless of character or gaming system" He clenches his fist around the smashed die. "I will find who did this and I will end him! No amount of magical or physical resistances will protect him! My Killing Blow ignores all unit types! I am Lord of the Mega-Death and Master of X-Zone!"
Tzeentch: "Yes dear, we get it. You have many references to various RPG systems both pen and paper based or more electronic in nature. However … may I play devil’s advocate here and point out that it was just a die?"
There’s a sudden silence amongst the collected sorcerers as all eyes turn to the giant to see what would happen next.
Magnus the Red: Looks at the remains of Betty. "Very true" He throws the remains away and brushes the plastic dust off his hands. "So … anything else changed? Have you done your hair Falal?"
Falal: "No, I’m just occupying different dimensions in relative space than usual"
Magnus the Red: "Oh … looks good. Makes you shine. Did I say you look pretty?"
Falal: "Magnus don’t take this the wrong way, but are you feeling well? You look genuinely happy to be back here. That’s not the Magnus we all knew and loved"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Agreed. I’d hate to be brutally honest … although I didn’t get to wander around the galaxy with nothing but a beaten copy of The Guide and an irate spell familiar called You Wasted A Good Plot by being dishonest in my opinions … but my lord, you’ve never been happy here. Every day you woke up and bitched to the general universe about how unfair everything was that you were here and Russ was getting laid and how your chapter got less units in every incarnation of the Chaos Space Marine codex while Russ got marines on wolves and terminators in drop pods with assault cannons and cyclone missile launchers …"
Falal: "Oh that’s all illegal now. Has been since second edition, where have you been?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Stuck in second edition. Call me old fashioned but I like playing a completely pointless card game in the middle of my toy soldier battle. The point though remains … you’re happy now. Why?"
Magnus the Red: "I met a wonderful group of people in my travels who showed me the true meaning of magic. I understand everything now, how it all works together. How it operates, how it … what are all these signs for?" He gestures around at the various banners hanging from the ceiling.
Ahriman the Former Exile: "You just noticed them? I realise the narrator didn’t describe the scene at the opening of the chapter but that’s no excuse for such poor Spot checks"
Magnus the Red: "’Psyker-fest 012.M42?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Er … yes. Well … while you were away learning the ‘true meaning of magic’ we were establishing ties with others of our … psychic disposition. We made good relations with other psychic races. Psyker-fest is our yearly meet-up, which we alternate between here and Ulthwe"
Magnus the Red: "Ulthwe? Is Eldrad involved with this?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Oh good Chaos no. No one’s seen that grox-bag since you left. No our Eldar connections have all been managed by Taldeer in Eldrad’s absence"
Magnus the Red: "Taldeer Elphchik Phan’cervis?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Any other Taldeer we know?"
Tzeentch: "Not until the inevitable clone saga begins …"
Magnus the Red: "And look where that got Marvel … so when does this psyker-fest kick off?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Tomorrow all the guests will be arriving, and the fest itself will kick off proper the next day …" He narrows his eyes. "Why? What evil scheme is going through your mind right now?"
Magnus the Red: Reaches into a pouch hanging from his waist and hands Ahriman a scroll. "That was given to me by Horus before I left Terra"
Falal: Reading the scroll over Ahriman’s shoulder. "Nice … is that blood?"
Magnus the Red: "Yes. Not Horus’ – Ezekyle’s. Horus wasn’t too happy discovering that the Black Legion had been reduced to intergalactic cookie sellers in his absence"
Falal: "Oh that’s a shame, I liked Ezekyle"
Tzeentch: "Not as much as he liked his blood, I’d wager. Horus likes to write, doesn’t he? Did he make nine copies of this for all of you? I doubt there’s enough pints of blood in one human body for one of these, let alone nine!"
Magnus the Red: "Well … no. Luckily Loken was at hand to lend some extra blood for the copies"
Tzeentch: "Ah, that explains it. So Tracy wants Eldrad, does he?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Not for tea and biscuits, it seems. From what I gather between all the various descriptive texts of imaginative bodily mutilation that Horus seems to want to deliver upon everyone’s favourite farseer the Big E isn’t a happy pterra squirrel"
Magnus the Red: "On a scale of one to ten, where one is finding out I broke his illegally modified webway portal and ten is discovering a scratch on his favourite suit of powered armour?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Oh definitely a nine-point-five on the Tracyometer. I wouldn’t like to be Eldrad right now. Unless I had some kind of galaxy-destroying mega-power at my beck and call to ward him off there’s nothing stopping Eldrad meeting an untimely and messy ‘rejection’ sometime soon. I hear the Big E’s already got his favourite Chapters out looking for the dick"
Magnus the Red: "Indeed. Horus insists that our search for Eldrad is an entirely separate entity to His search for the same guy, which is already making more mess than we need. Hear about the Dark Angels and the Death Guard clashing on Emoka?" Ahriman shakes his head. "Both forces arrived at the same Daemon-infested heckhole looking for Eldrad, got into a minor dispute over the quality of the latest Bullet for My Valentine album which quickly escalated into a full-scale war between the two. Hear the Daemons sold lots of tickets for the stadiums they had built around the fighting. Made a mint, do you think we can do something similar for the next time our side and theirs inevitably mess this whole thing up over some stupid disagreement one of us had ten thousand years ago last weekend?"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Hasn’t stopped any of you so far. What happened?"
Magnus the Red: "Hmm? Oh the fighting … well they both agreed to call it a stalemate after their prize champions decided to end the fighting once and for all with a personal one-on-one showdown in the middle of the battlefield. Simultaneous wrist-slitting is not the best way to settle a challenge, as it turned out. Although it’s quite impressive how much extra bodily fluids a plague marine can ooze out of his major arteries compared to a normal marine …"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "Oh thanks for that image; I was planning on having lunch later … what’s so amusing T?"
Tzeentch: Giggling to herself. "Oh sorry. Just got a message from one of my … spies, for want of a more elegant description. The Blood Angels have been despatched and it looks like Tracy has a sense of humour – they’ve been paired with the Ultramarines to scour the Ultima Segmentum"
Ahriman the Former Exile: "The entire segmentum? That’s a lot of space to cover for two chapters, even two of the biggest Mary Sue gatherings going will have a hard time exploring all that … ground … bad terminology, I know"
Tzeentch: "Sorry, when I say Ultramarines I mean all of them. Marneus Insuferus Calgar has called all Ultramarine successor chapters back to Macragge to aid their progenitors in hunting for Eldrad"
Magnus the Red: "Several hundred thousand Ultramarines and one chapter of Blood Angels? I would feel sorry for Sanguinius if I didn’t hate his perfect guts" He gestures at the scroll Ahriman still holds. "We’ll ignore that for now. I’ve got an idea … and it’s going to need some help. Insufferable Eldar help"
TO BE CONTINUED ...