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Thread: Rocks are not free!!!

  1. #1
    Brother Sergeant
    Join Date
    Mar 2006

    Rocks are not free!!!

    I posted this in a recent thread about orbital bombardment and typed it up.
    i guess most people will have read it but i wanted to put it hear for everybody to enjoy!!!

    This is NOT my own work!!!

    Rocks are NOT ďfreeĒ, citizen.

    Firstly, you must manoeuvre the Emperorís naval vessel within reach of the asteroid belt, almost assuredly sustaining damage to the Emperorís shipís paint from micrometeoroids, while expending the Emperorís fuel.

    Then the tech priests must inspect the rock in question to ascertain its worthyness to do the Emperorís bidding. Should it pass muster, the Emperorís Servitors must use the Emperorís auto-scrappers and melta-cutters to prepare the potential ordinance for movement. Finally, the tech priests finished, the Emperorís officers may begin manoeuvring the Emperorís warship to abut the asteroid at the prepared face (expending yet more of the Emperorís fuel), and then begin boosting the stone towards the offensive planet.

    After a few days of expending a prodigious amount of the Emperorís fuel to accelerate the asteroid into an orbit more fitting to the emperorís desires, the Emperorís ship may then return to the planet via superluminous warp travel and await the arrival of the stone, still weeks (or months) away.

    After twiddling away the Emperorís time and eating the Emperorís food in the wasteful pursuit of making sure that the Emperorís enemies do not launch a deflection mission, they may finally watch the ordinance impact on the planet (assuming the Emperorís warship does not need to attempt any last-minute course correction upon the rock, using yet more of the Emperorís fuel).

    Given a typical (class Bravo-CVII) system, we have the following:
    Two months, O&M, Titan class warship: 4.2 Million Imperials.
    Two months, rations, crew of same: 0.2 MI
    Two months, Tech Priest pastor: 1.7 MI
    Two months, Servitor parish: 0.3 MI
    Paint, Titan class warship: 0.9 MI
    Dihydrogen peroxide fuel: 0.9 MI
    Total: 9.8 MI

    Contrasting with the following:
    5 warheads, magna-melta: 2.5 MI
    One day, O&M, Titan class warship: 0.3 MI
    One day, rations, crew of same: 0.0 MI
    Dihydrogen peroxide fuel: 0.1 MI
    Total: 2.9 MI

    Given the same amount with under one third of the cost, the Emperor will have saved a massive amount of His most sacred money and almost a full month of time, during which His warship may be bombarding an entirely different planet.

    The Emperor, through this Ė His office of Imperial outlays Ė hereby orders you to attend one (1) week of therapeutic accountancy training/penance. Please report to Areicon IV, Imperial City, Administatum Building CXXI, Room 1456, where you are to sit in the BLUE chair.

    For the Emperor,
    Bursarius Tenathis,
    Purser Level XI,
    Imperial Office of Outlays.


  2. #2
    Banned lord_blackfang's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    I'm in your washing machine, soaking my harbl

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    Why'd you bother typing it up when you could've copy/pasted it from pretty much any GW related forum in existance?

  3. #3
    Chapter Master Khaine's Messenger's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Exiled from the Vaul-Moon

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    Actually, there's one bit of information in there that strikes me as odd--"the Emperorís ship may then return to the planet via superluminous warp travel and await the arrival of the stone, still weeks (or months) away." A bit dangerous, no? Especially considering the supposed nature of warp travel. Hmm.

    Anyway, it is a fun one. On the BL forums, the "BLUE chair" is something of an incredibly long-running in-joke....
    "Yes! Finally, a campaign where I can open my mouth without starting a war between the local druids and wizards that will result in a cataclysmic war that will burn reality to its very foundations! My roleplaying life is complete!"--Me, Apr 4, 2008

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  4. #4

  5. #5
    Commander Ardathair's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    The other end of the Galaxy

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    Posted by athamas:
    short jump warp travel is actually rather safe... just rather slow if you are trying to go some distance!
    Actually, within system jumps are suposed to be impossible or atleast too dangerous for regular use. Ships travel to the outer edge of a star system before entering the warp because of problems with the stars gravity, so any closer would make the problem worse.
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  6. #6
    Commander Colonel_Kreitz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Huntington Beach, CA, USA

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Khaine's Messenger
    Anyway, it is a fun one. On the BL forums, the "BLUE chair" is something of an incredibly long-running in-joke....
    Actually, I've always wondered about that one. Anyone willing to divulge the nature of the joke?
    "Dulce et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori"

  7. #7

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    Sounds far to complex!

    The Ork way:

    Tellyport a Kustom Forcefield Generator (bolted to a Tellyport Homer Beacon) onto an asteroid from your Space Hulk in orbit around target planet or from an Attack Ship sent nearet to the asteroid belt. Don't worry about the paint-work - it needed to be re-painted in red anyway!

    Tellyport a few tanks of compressed air (with the valves open) followed by a couple of Grots to make sure it's all okay. Then Tellyport a couple of Meks and a big pile of gubbinz over. The Meks build a great big boosta rokkit array and a few smaller thrusters for steering.

    As the asteriod approaches the target world use the Space Hulk's Traktor Beams to make course corrections, then Tellyport the Meks off. The Grots can stay to make any thruster-controlled corrections they feel neccerssary as the asteroid approaches the planet!

    Rince and repeat.
    Last edited by WarbossKurgan; 25-04-2006 at 14:03.

  8. #8
    Veteran Sergeant Forces Unknown's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Aberdeen, Scotland, United Kingdom

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    I am trying to remember who first wrote that.

    Was it not the mighty Minister, from Portent's Background forum?
    Far better is it to have a stout heart always and suffer one's share of evils, than to be ever fearing what may happen and never incur a mischance - Herodotus

  9. #9
    Chapter Master Flame Boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Herts, UK

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    Wow... that takes me back. I think I read that in either the Citadel Journal or White Dwarf a long, long time ago.
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  10. #10
    Inquisitor TWB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Half Term Hell

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    It was in the back of the first Chapter approved (3rd ed) book too.
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes

    Quote Originally Posted by Sylass
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  11. #11
    Chapter Master Anvils Hammer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Ware, near London

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    I first read it in the first chapter approved, its still hilarious.
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  12. #12
    Chapter Master Minister's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005

    Re: Rocks are not free!!!

    Wasn't me...
    Quote Originally Posted by Forces Unknown
    I am trying to remember who first wrote that.

    Was it not the mighty Minister, from Portent's Background forum?
    Pride is not a sin. Hubris is not a failing. The galaxy is not a mere collection of stars, it is our birthright! For too long have men looked up the infinite expanses of darkness before them and looked back inward, seeking solance in their huddled, weak soulfires. I see the black depths before me and all I can see is an eternity of war and conquest in the Emperor's name.
    -Lord Solar Macharius

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