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Thread: 40k Humour

  1. #1

    40k Humour

    Begin Transmission

    Repetition of General Directive 264-A-XCIV

    To: Distribution, Sectorium Primus
    From: Office of The Grand Inquisitor, Ebineezar Grinchanius
    Re: Yearly Chaos Incursion

    This purpose of this notice is to remind the forgetful of the annual
    visitation by the minion of Chaos known to the unworthy as Santa Claus.

    +++ The Emperor's Light Banishes the Shadows of Heresy +++

    As the diligent will recall, the incursion occurs regularly every 8742
    to 8766 terran hours, roughly corresponding to a terran year. This
    trespass has occurred with disturbing regularity since at least the
    Horus Heresy, and perhaps longer, as many records were misplaced.

    +++ Love and Obey the Emperor +++

    The faithful will recognize the target on sight, as his garb and gear
    mark him immediately as an agent of the abominations.

    Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature approximating the human
    form. It wears a crimson tunic the color of fresh blood, marking him as
    a possible follower of Khorne. It is bearded, mocking the honorable
    squats, and its hair is a sallow shade of gray, betraying its unnatural
    age. Be advised that despite the creatures fearsome name, no claws have
    been observed, and the former is likely a ruse.

    The target has been observed in the company of smaller creatures having
    the appearance of thin (less than 30 kg, approx.), stunted (1.5 meters)
    humanoids with pointed ears. Their appearance suggests the involvement
    of the decadent Eldar, and although that race denies involvement
    (*reference the Rudolphian Campaign [index 4111-BGE-MMXCII-Primus],
    specifically the Battle of Yukon Coneliaus IV [ibid., index 6]*), agents
    are advised to be prepared for their involvement, as the Eldar are known
    for their deceitful ways.

    Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled powered by unnatural
    livestock as detailed below.

    The target's vehicle is a grav-sled. It has superfluous runners which
    are used only on landing and take-off. Despite the appearance, no frozen
    water is necessary for its operation (another ruse). The vehicle's
    resemblance to the foul Palanquin of Nurgle should not be discounted,
    even though the colors continue to be reminiscent of Khorne.

    The device is powered by the unholy ministrations of eight or nine
    quadrupeds. Ordo Malleus scholars have identified these creatures as
    warped versions of an extinct species of terran mammal known as a Moose
    (reference 900002-ER-CIV). These beings single-mindedly pull the
    target's vehicle during its yearly invasion. They are outfitted with
    belled harnesses which are apparently imbued with the ability of flight.
    These beasts have been likened to the Fiends of Slaanesh, and such a
    comparison should not be dismissed too lightly, as the creatures shed a
    luminous substance as effluent as they move. Inquisitors should take
    care to avoid exposure.

    Perhaps more disturbing is the variable number of the minion-creatures.
    On occasion, a ninth Moose has been observed, placed before the other
    Mooses. This creature radiates a sickly reddish glow from its snout, as
    a psychic beacon to other followers of the Vile Ones. This Chaotic
    device has allowed the target to navigate despite our best efforts to
    jam its navigation systems.

    +++ Blessed is the Virtue of Blind Faith +++

    Santa Claus gains entry to the domiciles of loyal Imperial Citizens (see
    below) and leaves small Chaos Rewards to tempt the faithful.

    Inquisitors are reminded to confiscate and incinerate these items before
    any lasting damage is done. As a localized temporal distortion field is
    in effect around the target, these items are secreted in the habitations
    of the Imperium at exactly 2400 hours in every location defiled by the
    creature. It is therefore possible to gain entry to the citizens'
    cretches and remove the items (often cunningly hidden in footwear)
    before the citizens are aware of the heresy that has been committed upon
    them.

    In other cases, removal of the items after the citizens have discovered
    them is possible. In such situations, small children are occasionally
    loath to surrender the items, as the tainting of the juveniles has
    already begun. Executions of the above are to be handled in the most
    expedient manner possible.

    Often, juveniles that are well within the Emperor's Grace are given
    small blocks of graphite ore rather than the more tempting gifts visited
    upon the less faithful. The identity of these individuals are to be
    recorded, as future recruitment into the Inquisition or Adeptus Terra is
    possible. [Note: Inquisitors or other agents who do *not* receive the
    graphite stones should be watched carefully]

    Santa Claus enters the domiciles be way of heating ducts and waste
    vents. The size of the opening is not a factor, as the creature can
    adjust its mass and displacement by means of psychic manipulation.
    Mining these openings with frag, krak and other demolitions has proven
    unsuccessful.

    The creature egresses by the same means, after ritually caressing his
    nostrils. No mucus has ever been recovered.

    +++ The Death of Emperor's Enemies is the Only Gift We Can Give +++

    Although all previous attempts at the destruction of Santa Claus have
    failed, Inquisitors are urged to make such an attempt whenever possible.

    However, of more importance is the suppression of cultist activity
    associated with the yearly incursion. The Tainted have been known to
    erect shrines in their homes in the form of shrubbery adorned with
    baubles and lights [Note: the shrubbery is often highly inflammable, and
    offers a discrete method of executing the offending heretics without
    calling undue attention to the operation]. Other warning signs include:
    hallucinations involving sugared candies during slumber; excessive
    singing; references to 'A magical time of year' (note the influence of
    Tzeentch); the construction of effigies made of snow; and the
    performance of Slaanishi rituals while underneath plant clippings of the
    genus _phoradendron flavescens_.

    Once again, executions should be handled in an expedient manner.

    End Transmission- Ordo Xenos:

    We are his eternal slaves
    Sincerely,
    Unseeing Eye
    <

  2. #2
    Brother Sergeant
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    Re: 40k Humour

    My Chaos paint scheme of Bleached Bone, Dark Angels' Green and Red Gore elicites a Christmas comment every time. I have thought of making a 'Lord dressed like Santa but for now it's just the Warband of the Winter King. (Or it will be if I ever get them all painted, jeez I hate painting.)
    <

  3. #3
    Chapter Master ReDavide's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    It's nice to see that one making the rounds again.

    This one's always been one of my favorites, though most of its jokes stem from 2nd ed. Eldar:

    CRISIS MEETING AT THE CONCLAVE OF THE SEERS
    Transcribed by Miikka Lehtonen

    All the important Farseers, Warlocks and Phoenix Lords are assembled in one of the Great Domes of the Ulthwę craftworld.
    A large picnic table has been set up in a field and all the important Eldar are present. Eldrad Ulthran, the greatest of
    all Seers is the chairman of the conclave. In the background we can see Maugan Ra trying to carve a turkey with the Mauge-tar while Fuegan is barbequing a wild boar with his Firepike. Baharroth has been put to good use as a fan, hanging from
    the ceiling and fluttering frantically. In the background millions and millions of ordinary citizens mill about, going on with their daily lives.

    Eldrad: Yes, all right, Baharroth - take it easy before all my notes fly off. They just don't make them like they used to
    anymore...

    Baharroth: Sorry, Great One.

    Eldrad: Yes... all right then. May I have your attention ... Fuegan, FUEGAN! No, don't use your Firepike and that bottle
    of lighter fluid together, you know how that ended last time. Now, we're all gathered here to discuss the changes our
    great race has encountered since the beginning of the 3rd Age. Like most of you know, we used to be a terrifying
    opponent with a solid core of Guardians supported by our elite Aspect Warriors. Unfortunately, that has changed a bit these
    days, but I will address that later.

    Karandras: Eldrad, who ARE all those people around here? The last time I visited you this place was nearly empty and now
    there are Eldar everywhere!

    Eldrad: Yes, well... I was just coming to that. *cough* Seems that someone made a little mistake when we last made a
    headcount... Instead of 5,000,000, there are 500,000,000,000 of us, and 50,000 are born each day.

    Jain-Zar: What? I thought we were a dying race, destined for extinction!

    Eldrad: *cough* (looking a bit embarassed) Yes, we certainly were fooled with that, weren't we. As it turns out, we're
    the largest race in the universe, outnumbering even the Orks.

    Maugan Ra: (giving up on the turkey and giving the now clogged up Maugetar to a Guardian for cleaning) Well, what are
    we waiting for, then? Let's mobilize the Guardians, arm them with our deadly Shuriken Catapults and go to war! With
    our advanced technology and superior numbers we can rule the galaxy within the year!

    Eldrad: (looking more and more embarassed) Well.. that was my second point. It seems that the Bonesingers weren't all they
    were cracked up to be, after all. Turns out that they orchestrated their demonstrations of our equipment and in reality
    they're not quite that effective. In a word, we were cheated. Almeir, if you will bring me that Shuriken Catapult, I will
    demonstrate. He points the gun at Maugan Ra, who is standing less than two meters away from him and pulls the trigger.
    The shuriken screams out of the gun, loses velocity and drops to the ground a little over a meter away from Eldrad.
    With a pathetic *plop* the weapon breaks apart.

    Maugan Ra: (looking shocked for a while) This is an outrage! But never mind! We still have our glorious war engines that
    we will use to crush our foes! Our highly skilled Guardians, armed with technology that surpasses that of the weakling
    empire of Man, shooting through their crystalline targeters, can still win the day for us!

    Eldrad: Yes... I was coming to that... *cough* It also seems that our training programs aren't what they used to be.
    We thought all along that our Guardians were skilled warriors, but...well, look for yourself.

    The Council turns around to watch a group of Guardians trying to hit the Dome's wall with their Shuriken Catapults.
    None do, instead civilians are dying in droves all around them as the Guardians lob grenades over their shoulders,
    accidentally fire their weapons at their friends and crash Jetbikes into them.

    Asurmen shudders visibly. Jain Zar buries her head in her hands with an audible moan. Karandras slaps his forehead.

    Eldrad: Because of this, our tactics will change slightly. You know the whole "every battle that kills a single of
    us is a loss"-routine?

    All Phoenix Lords nod.

    Eldrad: That's right out of the window. Nowadays we'll be using our Guardians as a mobile wall that our troops and
    Avatar can hide behind so that they don't get shot to pieces. We tried, we really did, but that's all we could
    think of for them. It's not like we'll run out of them, is it?

    Everyone laughs.

    A group of young Eldar arrives, all drunk. One of them has been dressed in an oversized robe, with a helmet that's
    clearly at least twice as big as his head. Attached to the helmet are two hideously oversized plastic antlers.
    Everyone points at him and laughs.

    Eldrad: Heh, the kids ... where are those bachelor parties headed? Moving on... we did a brief image survey, and it
    turns out we're not "cool" enough.

    Fuegan: Does that matter? We have the souls of poets and the bravery of warriors, what use have we for "cool"?

    Eldrad: Well, as it turns out, sales figures are dropping and we're in for a brief overhaul... The Dark Eldar...

    Asurmen: Yeah, where DID those guys come from? A year ago I hadn't even heard of them and suddenly they just pop into
    existence. Dangers of the Warp...

    Eldrad: Yes, Asurmen... Very well... *cough* As it turns out, we will be taking a few notes of them. First off, I'll be
    giving you all new names. Traditional names like Baharroth, Asurmen and Khaine simply don't cut the cheese anymore.
    Along with new names, you'll be getting new looks that will be more 90's style and more attractive to the hip kids of
    today. Jain Zar.

    Jain Zar: Yes?

    Eldrad: You're not Jain Zar anymore. You're now "Robin Swallows" and here's your outfit. (Hands Jain Zar 12 centimeters
    of leather). Your job is to get all the horny prepubescent males to play the game. Now, Maugan Ra.

    Maugan Ra: Yes?

    Eldrad: Your new name will be Stone Cold Maugan Ra. You don't need a new outfit as such, skulls ARE cool, but you need to start talking differently. Instead of the stuff you say these days, you'll be saying simple things and ending each sentence
    with "'cause Maugan 3:16 said so". Got it? Try it.

    SCMR: Umm... Son, you need to haul your ass out of my turf or I'll stomp you a new mudhole and walk you dry ... (Eldrad
    smiles encouragingly and waves him on) ... 'cause ... Maugan 3:16...said so?"

    Eldrad: Very good! Now, Karandras.

    Karandras: ...Yes?

    Eldrad: Your new name is "Skorp10" and your outfit works too. Now, Baharroth. (glances up) On second though, with the job
    you've been doing, I'll assign you and your boys as portable air cooling devices to the various Craftworlds. I think that
    about covers you all. Oh, wait, Fuegan?

    Just then, a loud shriek is heard in the background and a huge ball of fire erupts at the barbeque site. Fuegan, five
    Fire Dragons and the Avatar all run around in pain as they burn. Fuegan is holding a bottle of lighter fluid in his hand.

    Eldrad: Oh crap! Not again! I told him not to use the lighter fluid and his Firepike as a flame thrower! Oh, nuts - he's burning up the Avatar too!

    Robin Swallows: Wait, I thought he was immune to fire... he's made out of metal and lava, you know?

    Eldrad: That was all just a marketing ploy. Oh well, it's not like we didn't have spare copies or anything. At the rate
    he keeps appearing in every battle, we'll be up to our pointy ears in Avatars by the end of the year.

    (All the Phoenix Lords shake their heads and mutter approvingly)

    In the background a medical crew loads the barbeque-victims into a grav-ambulance, drives off and hits a tree, causing the
    gravbulance to explode in flames.

    Eldrad: Oh crap! I -KNEW- we should've trained them better! Moving on...

    At this point Eldrad is rudely interrupted as a bunch of Eldar wearing strange, pointy headpieces apparently knitted out of
    wool and decorated with pictures of Hornets with "Charlotte" written on them appear. One of them is carrying a large, black
    box that's emitting horrific drum beating, horse-whinnying and a bunch of humans cursing rhythmically.

    Eldrad: What on Ulthwę are you Eldar?

    DJ Shadowseer: Yo, yo, yo... The Seerahh is da hizzzaaah! Yo yo yo, you strawberry fools be talkin' bout da Rhana-Dandra,
    but pacos locos ay como estans los vagabondos for evaahhh! And more importantly, Ulthwę is rowdy rowdy and ...

    Da Harliez: BOWDY BOWDY!

    Eldrad: Once again, who ARE you?

    DJ Shadowseer: Yo yo yo! We be da Harliez! We be croozing in our @#%$-ass Caddy in da hood when my homie sez that we
    ain't in da new game. And if you ain't got game, you ain't got @#%$ So we be da...

    Eldrad: Yes, yes, whatever. I cannot understand a word that man is saying, can any of you?

    All the Phoenix Lords shake their heads, looking shocked. Baharroth flutters about.

    Eldrad: Let's not pay him any more attention, then.

    Cursing, da Harliez crank up the Domeblastah and shimmy out.

    Eldrad: On to the next point on our agenda... Seems that we'll all be learning a new language as well.

    Maugan 3:16: Why? We already have a well-established and traditional language!

    Eldrad: Yes, well... that kind of stuff is "nerdy" and we certainly can't have THAT, can we now? Our new language will be
    cool, witty and really funny. For instance, the word for human is now "mon-keigh". Mon-key? Get it? (laughs feebly)

    Skorp10 buries his head in his arms and begins to weep. In the background a fire crew arrives to put out the gravbulance,
    but manages to hook up the water hose to the fuel tank, causing much havoc.

    Eldrad: Oh well, at least we're better off than the Necrons.

    "Too right" says a passing Necron Lord.
    <

  4. #4

    Re: 40k Humour

    Ah... Golden oldies!
    Still funny!

    Now I'm wondering if I should mention the black & white oldie for the younger members...

    Frecus
    The glade wanderer
    Madwarrior
    <

  5. #5
    Chapter Master TheSonOfAbbadon's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Does anyone have the 600-and-something space marine commandments?
    Quote Originally Posted by Damien 1427 View Post
    Everyone knows there aren't any women on the internet.
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  6. #6
    Chapter Master Great Harlequin's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Ways to annoy your opponet
    1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
    2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
    3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).
    4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
    5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
    6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
    8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
    10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
    11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
    12. Play dead if your general dies.
    14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
    15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
    16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.
    17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
    18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
    20. Sharpen your orcís weapons before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
    21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
    23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
    24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
    25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
    27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
    28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
    29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
    30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
    31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
    32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
    35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
    36. Cheer on your miniatures.
    37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
    39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
    40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
    42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
    43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
    45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
    46. Don't place your psycher on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the psycher behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
    48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
    50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

    50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent

    1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
    2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
    5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
    6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
    9. Speak only in third person.
    10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
    11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
    12. Only roll one die at a time.
    13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
    15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
    16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
    19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
    20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
    23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
    24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
    27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
    30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
    31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
    33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
    34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
    35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
    36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
    40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
    42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
    43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
    45. Fuzzy dice.
    46. Start each game with the national anthem.
    49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
    50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
    <

  7. #7
    Chapter Master Freak Ona Leash's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    There was once a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike...

    EDIT:Number 43 really works Just dont forget to put the paintball gun on full auto first
    ...to the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee
    <

  8. #8
    Chapter Master Tyra_Nid's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, pass"
    So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
    "Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".
    On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, pass"

    The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
    On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, pass"
    So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
    "Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
    On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, pass"

    The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
    On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, pass"
    So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
    "Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
    On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, pass"

    Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
    On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
    "OK, pass"
    So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
    "Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
    "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
    "Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
    "Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
    "Sure."
    <

  9. #9
    Chapter Master Freak Ona Leash's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    On some boards the mere mention of that joke is grounds for banning. Its like squats. Just not as hairy or drunk.
    ...to the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee
    <

  10. #10

    Re: 40k Humour

    Oh... That came hard.

    It's not decent to post that without warning y'know.

    Now somebody find the 1000 uses for a lasgun!

    Frecus
    The glade wanderer
    Madwarrior
    <

  11. #11
    Chapter Master x-esiv-4c's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    I actually have a space-marine painted black and white....ironically hes also on a bike
    Quote Originally Posted by TheBloodyFistOfKhaine View Post
    if everone thought like you this would be hell on earth.
    Quote Originally Posted by salty View Post
    The only man I know with balls made of solid steel is x-esiv-4c.
    Praise be to the eight-headed path
    <

  12. #12
    Chapter Master Mojaco's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    So the joke is that there's no pun to speak of? Really, that's it?

    I'm sad now.
    <

  13. #13
    Chapter Master Freak Ona Leash's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Anyone who has a "Religons of the World" t-shirt will get this.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    *UNIVERSAL PHILOSIPHY*

    ELDAR: **** happens
    DARK ELDAR: We ran off before the **** happened
    IMPERIAL GUARD: **** happens with big guns
    SPACE MARINES: The Emperor will save us from deep ****
    ULTRAMARINES: Roboute saved the emperor from ****
    BLOOD ANGELS: DIE YOU ****-HEADS!!!
    DARK ANGELS: We caused **** and have yet to be
    forgiven
    CHAOS SPACE MARINES: The Emperor is ****
    WORLD EATERS: We'll collect skulls so that ****
    doesn't happen to us.
    NECRONS: We're gonna cause so much **** to happen that
    **** will never happen again
    TAU: **** will happen to everyone but us
    ORKS: What is ****?
    TYRANIDS: This galaxy is our new piece of ****
    SISTERS OF BATTLE: Male supremacy is a load of ****

    NOTE:The **** out words=****.
    ...to the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee
    <

  14. #14
    Chapter Master x-esiv-4c's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    heheheh yeah, i've seen the religions of the world thing. Excellent adaptation there Freak!
    Quote Originally Posted by TheBloodyFistOfKhaine View Post
    if everone thought like you this would be hell on earth.
    Quote Originally Posted by salty View Post
    The only man I know with balls made of solid steel is x-esiv-4c.
    Praise be to the eight-headed path
    <

  15. #15
    Chapter Master Freak Ona Leash's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    It came from Grimstalkers site actually. I ahve another adaption of it on my pc somewhere though...

    EDIT:Ah, here is Freak's totally original adaption of his above post he just dreged up from the bottom of his oc.

    PHILOSOPHY OF THE GALAXY
    Tau:**** happens.
    Eldar:**** happens rama-lama-ding-dong.
    Imperial Guard:When **** happens drop plates on it.
    Space Marines:**** doesnt happen to us because we are so bad-ass.
    Dark Eldar:We make people our ****
    CSM: The Emperor can eat our ****
    Khorne: We make kill stuff so **** doesnt happen to us.
    Tzeentch: We make **** happen.
    Nurgle: We worship ****
    Slaanesh:When **** happens, have sex with it.
    Tyranids:We eat your **** and make it into scary acid-spitting ****
    Necrons:We are shiny ****.
    Blood Angels: When **** happens, beat it over the head with a pointy stick unitl it stops being ****.
    Ultramarines:If **** happens, read a book.
    Inquisition:When **** happens, burn the witches.
    Space Wolves: When **** happens, scratch your ****.
    Orks: We are ****.
    Squats:The galaxy **** on us.
    Last edited by Freak Ona Leash; 22-07-2005 at 14:28.
    ...to the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee
    <

  16. #16
    Chapter Master Great Harlequin's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    There may have to be some double posting involved as when you try and post the Marine Commandments it comes up with this:

    The following errors occurred when this message was submitted:
    1.)The text that you have entered is too long (46128 characters). Please shorten it to 10000 characters long.

    But heres the first few...


    The commandments of the Adeptus Astartes

    1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
    2. Orks are not "cute."
    3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
    4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
    5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
    6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
    7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
    8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
    9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
    10. Thou shalt not use thy Multi-Meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's Chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
    11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
    12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
    13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag.
    14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
    15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
    16. Thou shall not throw soap at Nurglings.
    17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
    18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
    19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
    20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
    21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
    22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
    23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box.
    24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny does not count as an "enemy casualty".
    25. Thou shalt not clog the Lascannon tubes "just to see what happens".
    26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a Dreadnought.
    27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the Chaplainís hand whilst wearing a Power Fist.
    28. Putting sand inside the Terminatorsí Armour is not "funny".
    29. Thou shalt not refer to the Standard of Fortitude as a "walking stick"
    30. Thou shalt not refer to the Bolt Pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter.
    31. The Earthshaker Cannon is not a "hat stand" nor is the Sentinel a "standard lamp".
    32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras.
    33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the Chaplainís armour.
    34. Thou shalt not compliment the Dark Eldar by calling them "kinky"
    35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
    36. Thou shalt not replace the holy unguents for the Machine Spirit with grain alcohol
    37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke
    38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the Commanderís Power Armour with laughing gas
    39. Thou shalt not train a Hormogaunt to be a watchdog
    40. Thou shalt not take "Old One Eye" out of context..."He's in my Artificer Armour he..he..duh!"
    41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippie alter boys"
    42. Thou shalt not taunt an Eldar "gee didn't these used to shoot further?"
    43. Thou shalt not refer to the Golden Throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy"
    44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint.
    45. Thou shalt not throw a Warp Beast a dog biscuit.
    46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a Wych/ Sisters battle.
    47. Thou shalt not ask a Warlock what he wears under his robe.
    48. Thou shalt not tease an Inquisitor with "look Sir-Heretics!"
    49. Thou shalt not play whack-a-mole with those little Jawa-wannabe Dark Angel thingies (tangent).
    50.Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a Plasma Gun.
    51. Thou shalt not take the Rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms.
    52. Thou shalt not ask the Librarian if he has records concerning Uranus.
    53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a "novelty toaster"
    54. Thou shalt not ask the Apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue.
    55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a Terminators' Armour during battle.

    56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling Snotlings.
    57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the Emperor (unless properly addressed to do so)
    58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches.
    59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as "psychological warfare" nor shalt thou refer to the Index Astartes as "the book of grudges"
    60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the Emperor to crap or get off the Throne"
    61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport.
    62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your Primarch" debate.
    63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battle cry when wielding a Power Sword and entering an assault
    64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels.
    65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the Space Wolves.
    66. Duct-taping a Flamer to your Boltgun does not count as a Combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "Master Crafted"
    67. Thou shalt not punt Grots for pleasure.
    68. Thou shalt not shout "Thongs for the Thong God!" in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wish to learn the true meaning of pain.
    69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar.
    70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the Harlequin.
    71. Power armour never makes a Sister look fat.
    72. Thou shalt not laugh maniacally when flaming the non-believers.
    73. Thou shalt not use Thunder Hammers to play croquet.
    74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a Cítan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale.
    75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethren, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incendiary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within His Most Holy showering facilities.
    76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons.
    77. Thou shalt not ask Rough Riders if you can pet their ponies.
    78. Thou shalt not stray from the Adeptus Mechanicus' directive towards ornamentation of Rhinos; specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice.
    79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counter-strike'.
    80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the Land Speeder joyriding.
    81. Remember; shining Lasguns in the Guardsí eyes is WRONG.
    82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a Daemon.
    83. Thou shall not call the sacred Plasma gunners of the Imperial Guard 'fizz busters'.
    84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the Chapter Master's equipment.
    85. Thou shall not use supported War Hounds to 'play ball' with Imperial Guard Sentinels.
    86. It is NOT cool to feed Snotlings copious amounts of narcotics!
    87. It is not "funny" to dress up as a Bloodletter and jump out in front of the Chapter Master.
    88. Replacing a Brother's ammunition with blanks is not "funny"
    89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons.
    90. Playing naughty movies in your Power Armourís Autosensors is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes.
    91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities.
    92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered Dreadnought brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?"
    93. Thou shalt not commandeer Drop Pods to go for pizza.
    94. Thou shalt not refer to the Emperorís Champion as "that brown-noser"
    95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be Tyranids.
    96. Thou shalt not tickle the Fallen to press for confession and redemption.
    97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking, "Can you hear me now", repetitively in an attempt to drive him insane.
    98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes".
    99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays.
    100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"
    <

  17. #17
    Commander
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    Re: 40k Humour

    For the religion/philosophy shirt, Nurgle could be changed to: I'm the ****!
    <

  18. #18
    Chapter Master Freak Ona Leash's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    The Orks already have that covered.
    ...to the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee
    <

  19. #19

    Re: 40k Humour

    LOL thats great i love it.the imperium would think exactly like that .
    Quote Originally Posted by chickennuggets
    tru, but id still like a super combat awesome killing machine of superior exorcistiocal doom upgrade times fiffteen better than chaplin with Ld 11 and a super titan killer gun mounted on his crotch and five mindwars comming out of his five heads with five mandiblasters at str 10 and three layers of banshee masks with battery powered bumble bees that shoot out at zipping speed and screw up terminators that are allergic to sunflower seeds and gin on a sunday night,, to kill stuff with
    <

  20. #20
    Chapter Master Freak Ona Leash's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Er, which joke are you talking about? I'm inclined to say the Santa Claws one but I'm not sure...
    ...to the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee
    <

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