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Thread: 40k Humour

  1. #41
    Veteran Sergeant Uriel's Avatar
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    Black & White Joke.

    I honestly don't get it at all,can someone clear it up for me?
    Last edited by Brimstone; 24-07-2005 at 02:22.
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  2. #42
    Commander Crux's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Quote Originally Posted by Uriel
    I honestly don't get it at all,can someone clear it up for me?
    It's a no-pointer - it's not supposed to have a punchline or something like that. You're just supposed to get mad and hit the person that told it
    Three men check into a hotel. The room costs 25 dollars. They all give a ten-dollar bill to the portier, who runs down to the reception to get change, and comes back with five one-dollar bills. He gives one dollar back to each of the men, and gets two dollars in tip.

    So now, all the men have payed nine dollars each. 9 x 3 = 27, plus two dollars as tip.

    Where did the last dollar go?
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  3. #43
    Veteran Sergeant Uriel's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    yeah, I was thinking "why did I just read this joke that took forever that had no point" I read it two times looking for the humour in it,whoever wrote that made me loose 15 minutes of painting time!!!
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  4. #44
    Chapter Master neXus6's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Quote Originally Posted by Tyra_Nid
    "The joke about a certain dual shaded space marine that dare not be posted again in the same thread!"

    I always though the last line was "No." it's so much worse that way.

    Note: that it is "worse" cause it succeeds in annoying the person even more, though this might indeed be better, if for example you are trying to have a painful tooth removed for free.

    Trust Tyra to pull his punch.
    Last edited by neXus6; 23-07-2005 at 04:59.
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  5. #45
    Chapter Master Wiseman's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    ban nid for posting that, its only fair for the rest of us.
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  6. #46
    Chapter Master Tyra_Nid's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Quote Originally Posted by neXus6
    I always though the last line was "No." it's so much worse that way.
    I dont think its EVER been 'no'...

    I mean, an Imperial wouldnt go back on his word, would he?

    Would he!?
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  7. #47
    Chapter Master Lord-Warlock's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Just found this. It originally comes from the halls of Dakka, authored by one Mistersinister77.

    In Tactica: Dealing with 8 year olds.

    "What's the worst army you ever faced?"
    "This 'Nid army with 192 Gaunts, it was insane."
    "How about you man?"
    "An 8 year old playing Eldar Orks with Land Raiders."


    Ah yes, what enemy is more dreadful than the 8-year-old-with-rich-parents-and-a-gimmie-gimmie-attitude (TM). You may ask yourself, "Self, how do I deal with this unholy creation without serving 8-10 years in county?" Well look no further than In Tactica: Dealing with 8 year olds.

    PART I: 8 YEAR OLD WITHOUT A RETINUE OF PARENTS

    Deployment


    So you find yourself at a tournament or a games night that has been infiltrated by a squad of 8 year olds (now referred to as "Brats"); or perhaps a single Mighty Brat Lord. To start off, your best bet is to threaten the store owner by saying such things as, "Make me play him, and I will eat your children", etc. Most store owners seem to have a low Leadership, and will usually fail their Morale check.

    Next step is to deploy yourself as far away from the Brat Squad as possible, in cover if possible. Be careful though, even without line of sight they will still attack you if you pull out your "pretty toys". To avoid this, keep your figures in hidden deployment until game time.

    Shooting

    While most Brats have no real guns to speak of, they have natural weaponry (akin to Tyranids). While their basic "Flying Rubberband" attack is only Str 1 Ap -; their "Sonic Baby Scream" is a devasting Str 8 Ap 1 Ord Blast and it seems to have an unlimited range. Lucky for you the only way the Brats may use this powerful weapon is if they have taken at least one Wound (mental or physical). So avoid causing Wounds to them and you should be safe.

    Assault

    Brats are the most deadly in HtH. While they are still only WS 1 Str 1 Int 2, their special "It's Illegal" rule is deadly. For those not familar with this rule, it basically reduces your attacks to 0 unless you are 14 years old or younger. Should you find yourself swamped by Brats, attempt to make your way through the swarm to the nearest young teenager and offer him beer, cigarettes, or porn as a reward for joining the combat. Since said teen will not be affected by the "It's Illegal" rule, you may have a good chance of surviving.

    Worst case

    If you are ever unlucky enough to find yourself completely alone, and without reserves to deal with the Brat Squads do not panic. There is still one last chance. Brats have an extremely low Leadership, almost as low as the store owner. By using the "Boogie Boogie" technique you can almost always make them fall back. However if you are dealing with a Mighty Brat Lord you may to have to be a little more harsh, and tell him that you will "Suck his brains out and feed them to Dracula"; this almost never fails.

    PART II: THE DREADED PARENT RETINUE

    Basics


    Uh oh. The little bastard brought the folks over. If you thought dealing with the kid was bad, it gets far worse. Brat Lords and Brat Squads are capable of being accompanied by 0-2 Parent Bodyguards. The deadliest aspects of these Parents is their varied wargear (more like tyranid mutations) that they can take, and their strange assortment of weaponry. Never expect to face the same Parent species twice, or you will most surely be defeated.

    Parent Upgrades (Mutable Genus)

    Here is a list of the most popular, and the most threatening of the Parent mutations. Be on the lookout for the following:

    Exceptional Size (Type I): Target Parent looks akin to a pro wrestler on crack. Toughness and Strength are both doubled, with a 3+ Armour Save. Fighting them head on is usually a bad idea, unless you have taken the "Steel Toed Boots" wargear; in which case a swift kick to the jimmy should clear up any arguments.

    Exceptional Size (Type II): Jabba had a baby. And now it's in your face. Nurgle would be proud. Their initative is extremely low, so avoiding contact should be no problem. However, do not attempt to attack them at any costs, even with "Boots" wargear - their "fat bastard" invunerable save is off the wall. Also never ever let them know you have food, unless you feel like losing a few limbs.

    Army Parent: Now this is dangerous. These guys/gals can probably waste you in one hit, so be careful. The are known to "Rage" very easy, and will charge you with the fury of a Khorne Beserker who has been trapped in a room full of kittens. If you aren't brave/insane the best bet is to salute them, and tell them how wonderful you think their line of work is. If you are insane/suicidal call them a communist and run around the shop screaming like a girl, but head towards the nearest security camera. If you make it there stop dead in your tracks and point up. Just hope they don't see you on the road someday.

    Cop Parent: Run.

    Acid Breath: They want to yell at you, a lot. 'Cause apparently, you're a bastard. Unfortunately for you it smells like an Ork's ass crawled into their mouth and died. This [i]can[i] be fatal. Try to make "peace" by apologizing for whatever you did to their kid, and then offer them a mint. Once the stench is gone from their piehole, return to your evil ways regarding the child; this time their acid breath should have no effect at all.

    The parent who thinks they are your parent as well: So what if you are 21-80; these types will treat you like their own kid. Calling you immature, irresponsible, and might even tell you to go to your room. Give 'em a beer and tell them to "blow". This upgrade is more annoying than dangerous.

    The parent who is your parent: First, what the hell are your parents doing there? Second, why are they taking some other kid's side? Stop reading my post. Freak.

    Parent weaponry

    While most weaponry varies from parent to parent, they all fit into one of 3 basic categories.

    1.) Purse Str 2 Ap 6. If used in close combat reduces armor save by the amount of pounds of crap in it.

    2.)Yelling Str - Ap - Special. All brats accompanied by parents are now capable of using their "sonic baby scream" attack even without being wounded.

    3.)Fist CCW weapon Adds +1 attack. On a hit roll of 1, the parent will miss and hit their own child. Thus making the child use its own attacks against the parent. Always attempt to make the parent use this attack in hopes of turning their own children against them.
    "Bruce... Don't be afraid."
    "HE WILL BE. HE WILL BE." ERR. SORRY. PROBABLY NOT TO THE BEST TIME TO BE MISQUOTING STAR WARS.
    "Mind the uniform, Cleric. I plan to be wearing it for a long time."
    DON'T WORRY. HERE, CLOTHING IS IMMATERIAL. LITERALLY.
    "What's that smell?... Who are you?"
    THE DEATH OF ALTERNATE PERSONALITIES. I'M THE GRIM REAPER'S WILD SIDE!
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  8. #48
    Chapter Master Lord-Warlock's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Continued:

    PART III: Playing a game against a brat

    So, you didn't listen to me. Now you're sitting across the table from Cartman whos getting ready to deploy his Super Kroot Marines Starcannon Beserker Army (TM). You should probably just give up hope and suck it up like a man. But in case you actually you want to try and play, here's the typical tactics brats use, and ways to counteract them.

    Brat Army Deployment

    Tactic I(Melting Pot of Models):
    I bet you didn't know that orks could use wave serpents. Me neither. But in the fog of this kid's hazy mind, it all makes sense. They will probably deploy what they consider to be the best or coolest models from every ******** army in the game. Sometimes G.I. Joes and Pokemon might even make their way onto the battlefield. Your best bet here is to let 'em play it their way, but make sure they pay the penalties from each Codex. "That's a cool Khorne Tau Commander. But you know you have to summon him right? Oh yeah, better hope he doesn't rage or he can't use those twin linked Battlewagons on his back."

    Tactic II (the longest 12 inches): 12 inches from the table edge? Not to this kid, deployment equals throwing the models down like he was playing craps, and hoping for lucky landings. Watch out, as sometimes you'll end up with an Ork Exalted Plague Techmarine in the eye... Or something akin to that. Just duck under the table till the trained monkey is done spazzing, then gently lift the side of the table and let all his models slide to the floor. Tell him it was using the new "Natural Disaster" rules.

    Tactic III (Other Tables): This kid is a genius. He has the best idea ever!! Play on multiple tables at once, just like in "Wight Dorf". Yeah... Right. The monkey has the attention span of a coke addicted hamster, so unless you want an aneurism you might want to avoid this. Tell him that according to the "Wight Dorf" rules, for his models to jump the gap from table 1 to table 2, he has to throw them and hope you catch.

    General Brat Playing Tactics

    Tactic I (the severe raping of depth perception):
    Models move as far as this kid's arm can reach on the table. I mean, it's not like he can read the numbers on the ruler anyway. The monkeys that play Nids love to try this one, as you'll find your entire army swamped by everyone of his models on turn one... Maybe earlier. Your best bet is to lay down on your side of the table and snarl at him. If he acts brave and tries to reach on your side of the table, bark at him and lunge forward.

    Tactic II (dice?): Everything hits, everything wounds, everything dies. Everything. Why? 'Cause he said so. It's like the word of God has been placed into his mouth. You could try to argue, but you'll probably end up lying down on the highway shortly after. If the parent retinue isn't around, grab his largest model and shove it into his mouth. What you can't hear, can't hurt you.

    Tactic III (Real Time 40k): Turns are for pansies. He goes. Then he goes. Then he goes. Oh what... You haven't done anything yet? Better get into the game. This tactic is pretty easy to overcome, just move faster than he does. If it's one of those hypo kids, you don't stand a chance. Just pretend to be trying to keep up with him, then place your elbow somewhere between his neck and eyes. He'll be ok.

    Aftergame

    Now here comes the fun part. Deciding who won. Don't even attempt to explain victory points: "math is for girls". Simply collect your models, put them away in a safe play away from the other Brats. Calmly walk over to the tourny judge, and slap him. These guys have even lower Morale than the store owners. Tell him you won, 1700 to nothing. If you start to think he's Charles Bronson, break his nose on the butt of your gun (I wonder if anyone will get that). After convincing him of your amazing victory, tell him if it ever happens again you'll do horrible horrible things. Be creative. Think back to old horror movies.

    Well, that's about all the knowledge I think I can pass on at this time. Just remember, only you can stop trained monkeys from overrunning your store. So be prepared, be careful, and always have your wibbly stick sharpened.
    "Bruce... Don't be afraid."
    "HE WILL BE. HE WILL BE." ERR. SORRY. PROBABLY NOT TO THE BEST TIME TO BE MISQUOTING STAR WARS.
    "Mind the uniform, Cleric. I plan to be wearing it for a long time."
    DON'T WORRY. HERE, CLOTHING IS IMMATERIAL. LITERALLY.
    "What's that smell?... Who are you?"
    THE DEATH OF ALTERNATE PERSONALITIES. I'M THE GRIM REAPER'S WILD SIDE!
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  9. #49
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    Re: 40k Humour

    LOL! I almost fell out of my chair. The anti-brat tactica is great, keep up the good work.
    "The difference between a Good RPG game and an Evil RPG game is simply that in the Evil game, the creatures who the PCs murder and rob in their homes will be pretty and smart, instead of ugly and stupid." -Anon
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  10. #50
    Commander Johnny Bravo's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    I'm not sure whether to be flattered or insulted that the Cop Parent is apparently considered more dangerous than the Army Parent.
    "Now remember, I do my best work when I'm being worshipped as a god."

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    Any time GW fixes an issue in a codex or army book, it's because they personally loathe you.
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  11. #51
    Chapter Master Rabid Bunny 666's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    we had this kid who did the turn after turn one, annoying, snatched victory form me on turn 6

    but i don't go to core club anymore
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    I don't want to get all ad hominem up in here, but I honestly don't know why so many people who complain that Ward writes for 13 year olds insist on acting like 13 year olds anyhow.
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  12. #52
    Chapter Master neXus6's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    That was brilliant.
    I just walked away from a game I was supposed to be playing today cause of that kind of thing, particularly the attention span. Me and a 14/15 year old who's pretty good Vs 3 kids who probably can't even read. We got about a turn and a half done in about 40 minutes (that is, our first turn and half of theirs).
    I just walked away and left the guy I was teaming with to learn a good lesson in anger management.
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  13. #53
    Chapter Master Freak Ona Leash's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    You forgot the most important part
    Alcohol A.K.A. "Special Cough Medicine":Ok, the brat has landed. You're in the deep **** now. But, there is one sure-fire way to win. If the Brat coughs at all, say you must give it you're "Special Cough Medicine." If the brat does not cough on it's own, make it cough. Suppsoedly poking them with sharp objects is a good way to do this. So, go prepare your cough medicine. If you have moonshine, go get some. You will need at least two shots. If no moonshine is available, then a pint of stout is good. Feed the brat this soecial medicine and watch it fall to the ground in a drunken stopr. But beware, if they do not go out, they either vomit all over, which is extremely deadly, always woundinbg on 2+ and with an AP 1(damn stomach acid ) or they become the world's nastiest drunks. In which case, grab the nearest glass object the, the pint or shot glass you just used for the mediceine might work. Hit them over the head with it until they stop crying and/or twitching. But stop if they arent breathing. Its against the rules to kill them.
    ...to the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee
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  14. #54
    Commander Lucifer216's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Okay, here's something I wrote a while back...

    THE 40K OSCARS....

    In the centre of a great hall filled with row upon row of plush seats upon are the most feared warriors in known space a daemon of Slannesh takes the stage.

    “Ladies and Gentlethings, Welcome to the Galaxy at War annual award ceremony. I’m Nazaleth Del’Karnalazh and I will be both your host and hostess for tonight.”

    “Before we begin, I have a few notices to give out. As you may have noticed the seating plan you have all been provided with is most detailed. Deviations from it will be met with extreme measures, and I must inform you that in addition to my role as host, I will be in charge of dealing out any necessary punishments and I’ve had an eternity to practise…”

    Nazaleth licks His/Her lips and proceeds to crack a whip for effect. The Imperial and Crimson Fist delegates shudder, and then proceed to avoid each other’s gaze and both start looking for a different seat, surprising as they were already seated. Correctly. The Tyranid delegate, a great mountain of chitin and diamond edged claws, almost sheepishly moves away from the broken remains of the Squat delegate.

    “Secondly, every effort has been made to provide each and everyone of you with appropriate refreshment during the proceedings, with the exception of the Nurgle delegation as it was felt that providing concentrated Nurgle’s rot, would fatally reduce future attendance for this event”

    “The first prize goes out to the most endangered race in the galaxy. Here to collect the prize for the Eldar is the renowned Farseer, Eldrad Ulthran. Eldrad, please step forward.”

    Eldrad slowly, majestically walks up towards the platform. A Nurgling attempts to throw a diseased egg at his beautiful robe of office, but is immediately struck down by a bolt of pure energy. He collects his prize from the smiling daemon, wincing with disgust all the while.

    Nazalth opens her/his perfect lips to speak: “ Has it ever occurred to you, that maybe if your race actually got round to giving each other a good screwing instead of interfering with the destiny of other races, you wouldn’t be so pitifully few.”

    Eldrad stares icily and in a voice that sounds like a whisper yet is heard by everyone in the hall, begins to speak: “You stand here arrogant in your power, O slave to pleasure, yet in the end although my kind and I will one day be dust and less than dust, that will be nothing to the fate that awaits you. The God of the Dead is coming and he shall render your debauched god as helpless as a sleeping child.”

    Eldrad returns to his seat. Nazaleth looks stunned and soon recovers.

    “Damn, why does he always have to have the last word?”

    She pauses and resumes the show.

    “For the first time in several centuries, we have a new award, a prize for best newcomer”

    Suddenly the crowd quietens down and a space begins to grow between the Tau and Necron Delegates.

    “And the winner is…. the Necronthyr, by precisely four votes. Would the Necron Delegate please collect its prize?”

    With every step and glance, calculated to give 99.9% of maximal contempt and hatred of all things flesh, the Necron Delegate takes the platform.

    “Do have a few words for us?”, asks the Host

    The android replies: “Yes, soon you all will die slowly in utmost pain. For you are formed of weak and decadent flesh and before long there will only be the cool purity of metal. When I next see you all, fools that you are, I will be the last thing you will see.”

    It steps off the platform, to a chorus of boos. However the Iron hands delegate begins to give a standing ovation. The other Marine delegates stare at him. He sits down quickly
    The Dark Eldar delegate stops the Necron delegate asking for the precise nature of the torments awaiting all organic life. She seems to be taking notes.

    “Who on earth voted for da stoopid Tinboy?” Shouts the Ork delegate. Everyone notices the four chaos representatives looking down at the floor. Chaos Lord Anthrax of the Death Guard even seems to be whistling. In the near silence, no one notices the Tau delegate, whispering in to a complicated hand held device.

    “Quantum signatures registered. Request 4 Broadside teams to location seven alpha zero on completion of the ceremony, for termination with extreme prejudice”. The Tau delegate then places the item back in his pocket and smiles at the soon to be vapourised Chaos representatives.

    “The next prize is for the best dressed being in the universe, please welcome, the most favoured champion of the lord of pleasure and founder of the university of perversity, Lord Evenus. Please collect your prize.”

    As Evenus walks towards the platform, he suddenly staggers under the weight of female underwear suddenly adorning his immaculate outfit. He holds the largest pair out in front. They could easily accommodate a small elephant. He turns, seeking the previous owner, and then jumps swiftly onto the platform as a Great Unclean One blows him a kiss.

    “Thank You”

    Again the platform is a target for a variety of feminine garments, some in black leather and suspiciously robust. The delegate for the Redemptionist cult stares at the Sisters of Battle in the crowd and promptly has a heart attack.

    Nazaleth reclaims the microphone. “Thank you lord Everus. I’ll be seeing you later. Now as a contrast our next prize goes out to the worst dressed being in the galaxy. Thanks to a freak of the space-time continuum, he is able to be with us today. Please welcome Killer Dave. Dave is 14 and a massive fan of Limp Biscuit, Linkin Park, Slip Knot, skateboarding and a little known hobby company. Dave is wearing a black hooded Slip Knot sweater, which is encrusted with his own mucus and other bodily fluids. He has his hair in the classic greasy pony-tail style and is attempting to grow a beard in order to hide the rest of his face. He is also wearing a pair of baggy blue trousers, to which is attached a long bicycle chain. He maintains that he wears this outfit to be an individual. It is therefore ironic that all his friends dress in precisely the same way. Do you have anything you’d like to say Dave?

    “Yes. First I’d like to say that I hate my parents for being so mean and for only giving me barely enough money to buy Dark Eldar, Space Marine and Ork armies this month, which I have already managed to paint, really really well. <Holds up an Ork dreadnought, which has been assembled in every single possible way, wrongly. It has also been painted by the simple method of dunking It In a succession of green paints> Secondly how about it sometime, gorgeous?”

    “I’d rather kill you now. Horribly.”

    Nazaleth does so.

    “And now the moment we’ve all be waiting for: The award for most kills performed in one lifetime, goes to that’s right the undefeated Champion of Khorne, that most generous provider of skulls for the skull throne, the one, the only (“Thank Slannesh”) Kharn the Betrayer! Kharn, would you like to collect your award?”

    The prize for most kills performed in one lifetime, is a blood drop shaped medallion with a tasteful inlay of sliver skulls. The Betrayer approaches the platform his axe Gorechild, for once quiescent by his side, takes the award, takes off his collar, places the prize around his neck and then takes the microphone.

    “I’d like to thank everyone who helped to get me here today. My Mum, my Dad, My entire family, My first pet, giggles <sniff!> who I had to bury in the backgarden when I was 8, my first girl-friend Liz before I horribly maimed her, my School teacher, Mr Adams for showing me how to disembowel my enemies in under 2 seconds, my fellow Worldeaters, many of whom would have been here today if it wasn’t for me and last of all that little bitch who started this whole thing off by saying I had a tiny penis. I just said that out loud, didn’t I?”

    He notices the Tzeentch delegate lips moving. With an insane howl of hate, Kharn leaps off the platform, Gorechild already a blur before it enters the sorcerer’s skull, and proceeds right the way down, slicing the man in two. Kharn then proceeds to feast on his victim.

    The Tau delegate whispers into his coat-pocket: “Make that three broadside teams” and applauds politely.

    Nazaleth bows.

    “Thank you Ladies and Gentlebeings, for attending tonight and making it so memorable. I hope to see all of you who are still standing next year.”

    “I’d like to finish with a special message from our mystery sponsor, to the Emperor of Mankind. It reads, “Hurry up and die. You Bastard.”.”

    “Thank you and Goodnight!”
    <

  15. #55
    Chapter Master Norminator's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Ok... some really bad jokes...

    1) An Eldar, Space Marine and Ork are walking one day when they come up to a warp portal. A voice from the portal says 'speak the truth and you may pass'. The eldar says 'I think I am the agiliest' and passes. The Space Marine goes 'I think I'm the strongest' and passes. The ork says 'I think...' and is sucked into the warp.

    2)A meeting between the star trek and space marines fleet.

    ST 'Welcome to the starship enterprise. We hope you have an enjoyable stay in federation space'

    SM 'Heretics, surrender your planets or face the divine right of the emperor'.

    ST 'Please speak to my Klingon ambassador'.

    SM 'Foul mutant! We shall purge you!'

    ST 'Phasers set to stun!'

    SM 'Flamers set to hot and crispy!'.

    I delight in the awfullness of my jokes....
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  16. #56
    Commander mirakel_jocke's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Lol !

    I with my bad sense of humor find your jokes Normi rather funny!

    /Mirakel_Jocke
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  17. #57

    Re: 40k Humour

    the awards ceremony is great, would be better if more awards though..
    265 law of Imperial Guard conduct: one should not sneak up onto ones commanding officer and shout 'BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!'
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  18. #58
    Chapter Master Lord-Warlock's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    On that note, surprised no one has posted the Jerry Springer show blurb yet. Might just go ahunting for it...
    "Bruce... Don't be afraid."
    "HE WILL BE. HE WILL BE." ERR. SORRY. PROBABLY NOT TO THE BEST TIME TO BE MISQUOTING STAR WARS.
    "Mind the uniform, Cleric. I plan to be wearing it for a long time."
    DON'T WORRY. HERE, CLOTHING IS IMMATERIAL. LITERALLY.
    "What's that smell?... Who are you?"
    THE DEATH OF ALTERNATE PERSONALITIES. I'M THE GRIM REAPER'S WILD SIDE!
    <

  19. #59
    Chapter Master Freak Ona Leash's Avatar
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    Re: 40k Humour

    Did someone say Jerry Springer?
    Jerry Springer: “Ok everybody, today’s show is about worshippers of Chaos
    and the women who love them. Please welcome our first guest, Sister
    Chastity of the Holy Order of the Slain Virgin. Sister, welcome to our
    show.”

    Chastity: “Thank you Jerry”

    JS: “ Now Chastity, our producers have told us that you have been seeing
    someone for quite some time now.”

    C: “Yes. He name is Falthus, and he is a member of the Emperor’s
    Children.”

    Audience: “BOOOOOOOOO!”

    JS : “Now wait a minute audience. Chastity, isn’t the Emperor’s Children
    one of Our Most Holy Emperor’s finest Space Marine Legions?”

    C (holding back the tears): ”Well, it was, but now that they have fallen
    from grace…oh, he just sits around the fortress all day and melts people
    down into drugs! I won’t even tell you what he wants me to do in bed now!
    *sob*.”

    Audience: “Awwwwww…”

    JS: “Well, let's bring him out.”

    A Space marine in pink armor with leopard skin tights stumbles onto stage:
    “All hail our Lord and God Slaanesh!”

    Audience “Booooo!”

    JS: “Now now, quiet down. Falthus, welcome to the show. Chastity has been
    telling us there have been hacing some trouble in paradise…”

    Falthus: “Well, there wouldn’t be any trouble if she would grovel at the
    feet of our merciless tormentor like I tell her to.”

    C: “My love is only for the Emperor!”

    F: “Yeah, that’s why he prostituted your order to the Adeptus Astartes!”

    C: "Oh, go find someone else to wear lobster claws for you!" *sob*

    Audience: “Ooooooooooooooooo!”

    JS: “Well, Falthus, Chastity has told us that she has something to tell you.
    So I'll just step aside and let her say it.”

    C: “Falthus, you know my love for you is second only to the Emperor,
    but…well, there is someone else….”

    F: “What? Who the hell is it?”

    JS: “Let’s bring out Henrik the Enraged, Mighty Champion of Khorne!”

    A smashing sound is heard as half the stage set falls to the whirling blade
    of a chain axe.

    “You are a punk, Flathus. Chastity wants a real man, not some whinny little musician and drug addict!”

    F: “You punk a** B****!”

    The audience begins to trample each other to get out of the way of the
    horrible battle that ensues.
    ...to the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee
    <

  20. #60
    Commander mirakel_jocke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Stockholm, Sweden
    Posts
    828

    Re: 40k Humour

    Haha!

    Freakkin genius!

    I would love to see that happen in reality!

    That would work just as good with all the different armies in 40k!

    /Mirakel_Jocke
    <

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