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DarkPrince
15-04-2009, 08:28
Master Apothercy Zacchary Fallon's career started as all normal Marines, as a Scout. This changed when the Knights of Dusk Chapter was sent to the Battle of Tranga Gamma. The 3rd Company was assigned the mission of outflanking the Necrons and destroying their Lord. This had disasterous consequences as 80% of the Company was destroyed. The ground was littered with power armour, blood and bone. Zac got shot in the leg, but was stitched up by Master Apothercy Jantree, right before Jantree was hit in the back by a shot of Guass.

The remainder of the Company retreated. The only remaining brothers were Tactical Squad Leviticus, half of Assault Squad Ares, Captain Larius, Sergeant Varin, Sir Plancia and Brother Hephestas from the Command Squad along with Zacchary and Sergent Bontria from Scout Squad Artemis.

Without an Apothercy, the 3rd Company would never survive another atempt at destroying the Necron Lord. Knowing this Zac and Sergent Bontria scouted forwards to get Jantree's Narthecium. After finding it, Zac took it upon himself to attach it to his arm. After completing their mission they returned to the assembly point.

Zac worked through out the day repairing the injured. That night Larius led a night assault against the Necron main base. At the same time Chapter Master Onyx led one form the opposite direction.

The Necrons were nearly wiped out, when Onyx was struck down. All the Apothercies, including Zac, ran towards him to see if he could be helped. Suddenly the Necron Lord leading the Tomb Army pounced into the centre of the group, driving his Staff of Light through Onyx's heart. Zac quickly drew his bolt pistol, taking out the Lord with a shot to the head.

With their Chapter Master slain, the Knights of Dusk fell apart. Noone had any idea what to do. Captain Larius picked up the Master of Dusk's Hellblades. Immedietly the Chapter calmed down, taking note of this new authority.

After a series of night assaults, Larius went up against the Nightbringer. Seeing this, Zacchary ran up and accompined Larius into the climatic battle. While Zac shot at the beast with a stolen Heavy Bolter, Larius hold it off in close combat with the flaming Hellblades. The Nightbringer stuck at Larius one last time before fleeing, snapping 5 ribs and ripping a wound on his torso.

The demolition charges set near the Tombs ent off, caving them in. Zacchary stitched up Larius, carring him back to the ThunderHawk Gunship.

For bravery and initiative Zacchary was rewarded Jantree's Narthecium. Larius, the new Master of Dusk, also rewarded Zacchary with inductorship into the Apothercies of the Chapter, where after 50 years, he became the Master of Apotherceries.





So what do you think off my first fluff? Comments?

Xgladar
15-04-2009, 09:00
my first fluff?
i think you misunderstood what fluff is. its the ESTABLISHED background and supported by GW.

what you are making is called fanfiction

DarkPrince
15-04-2009, 09:01
Okay then, its my first background story.

Nakor
15-04-2009, 10:10
its his own fluff for his own chapter. its cromulent, no need for nit picking eh

my 5 cents:

seems a bit over the top.

-SM forgwtting how to fight because their top dog is dead? these guys are veterans of centuries or warfare. they dont need leaders like a IG recruit would. sure they need a brain to direct the overall plan, but once their on the ground id say they would been well briefed on what to do. sure the boss being capped is probably shocking, but SMs are more likely to hulk out and go ballistic than forget how to fight. id keep the master dying, drop "all the apothecaries making haste to his corpse, forgetting all the other wounded". having that other guy pick up his weapons is legit (as long as the boss can actually drop the weapons e.g. a power sword not somthing like powerclaws)

-smoking lord with a single bolt shot? as the single high point of the fluff itd be ok, but with all this other amazing stuff going on its a but much. tone down the crazy bit and keep this, i like it.

-drop the nightbringer reference. iirc hes one of the c'tan. you want to make your fluff without changing or contardicting the GW fluff. leave this kind of thing alone, the c'tan are god thingys. tbh he would have probably slaughtered your whole chapter for fun before or somesuch. again try not to be too amazingly blasterific.

-from my interpretation of things, SMs dont rely on apothecaries as much as you mek them here. apothecaries are medics yes, but they are on the battlefield to a) kill baddies (they are still marines) and b) recover the geneseed of the fallen. id say that to wound a marine to the point where he cant fight and needs a medic, the guys is going to be ******** up really bad so the apothecary would just stabilize him until medevac arrives/end of the fight.

-night assault vs necrons. hmmm i dont think thats really relevant. an assault at night would be fine, but CHOOSING night for the marines to gain an advantage would be pretty silly, necrons probably dont use light to see like we do, if they even 'see' at all. futuristic uber-robots and all that jazz.

-also just some of the wording isnt very good.

e.g.
"Captain Larius picked up the Master of Dusk's Hellblades. Immedietly the Chapter calmed down, taking note of this new authority."

to

"After the Chapter Masters body was secured Captain Larius took up the Masters Hellblades, rallying the remains of the chapter"





its a good start. you have the bones of the story there its just need a bit of adjusting and polishing. hope that helps.

DarkPrince
17-04-2009, 04:37
Thanx. I know its a bit flawed :(

ctsteel
17-04-2009, 13:05
Space Marines have two hearts also, so you might need to modify the end of Onyx slightly to account for this (or just make it so that the staff of light ripped through both his hearts).

Aliarzathanil
20-04-2009, 14:48
If the Necrons had caused 80% casualties, what prevented them from finishing the job?

What gave the marines the idea to assault? Desperation? A cunning plan to feign weakness by losing so many marines? Did they find a weakness to exploit? What kind of force was the chapter master leading? Why was this Necron lord so dangerous or important?

And this is nitpicking, but, Tranga Gamma sounds odd. I don't know why, I thinks it's the "a"s at the end.

Maybe a scout salvaging the geneseed of an entire company that had been cut of and decimated with the dead apothecaries equipment would be interesting. He would be force to crawl around, avoiding scarabs and tomb spiders. He may possible have to play dead among the bodies to snipe the necron lord as he surveys the battlefield.

Just a thought.

Spider-pope
20-04-2009, 15:01
One more nitpick, Space Marines dont have ribs, they get fused together during the process of making them marines.

I'd second the removal of Nightbringer, it restricts you too much and makes it look like you are trying to establish your character as "teh bestest!!1!".
Dont get disheartened though, what you have written isnt bad aside from a few nitpicks, and ive certainly seen worse attempts at making background fluff for an army.